Scene Breakdown In Better Places To Go

In examining Zach Inglis’s scene breakdown of ‘Better Places to Go’, the overall scene breakdown gave an overwhelming sense of story plot rather than a scene-by-scene breakdown of the film. What I have noticed is that the document presented is a scene breakdown and treatment combined which was not the task at hand, making it difficult to mark. Some issues within the document that I wish to raise are formatting (abiding by editing house requirements), the writing (readability) and its structure (layout, scene consistency and montage) and character (setting up the protagonist).

The mere physical format of the scene breakdown does not adhere to the standards of the document expectations nor the task set. Within the document, there are some
formatting issues, the inclusion of scene numbers which would be helpful to find examples within large bodies of text and consistency with spacing between scene headings, this will allow the reader’s eye to rest. In a scene breakdown when audio is used, with the inclusion of gunshots and police sirens the use of special effects title will ease audio requirements for sound.

Filmic drive and visuals really sets up the film and has been executed very well when introducing the setting. There are a few scene structures that I am concerned about. When coming out of the bandstand scene, we are back at the diner with Judy, alone; this is done without separating the scenes. This is also repeated when Judy is in the kitchen towards the end and it cuts to another scene without leaving the current one. FIND EXAMPLE
The inclusion of the church and party room scenes feels out-of-place. There is nothing linking the two scenes to the entering and following scenes. They do not drive the narrative forward, and I wish to question your decision to place them there.

These are incredibly long sentences that are over descriptive making majority of your scene text heavy slowing down the readability significantly.
It currently reads much like a treatment with all the constant details. It contains more telling of the narrative rather than visually what is happening in the scenes on the screen. For this, I use the example to illustrate my concerns about this scene breakdown. ‘And after she died, Derek says, he met Ric’ – How is the audience going to be aware of this happening in the scene? My understanding is that a scene breakdown it contains what it happening in the scene, as the audience would see it on the screen. Feelings and thoughts cannot be expressed visually because it would fall under dialogue or character action, which is the task of the director. ‘But it’s his heart that can’t take it anymore’ – an audience cannot see that. Avoid using phrases such as ‘the character (Linda) visualizes something (their affair) ’, on page 7.

Another issue I wish to raise is that of referencing information that isn’t shown in the film, this could come under dialogue but should not be referenced if not in the scene for this I use the example of a scene between Nathan and Rosie in the diner. ‘Della only hired the Mexican boy to protect you’. The audience cannot know that by the action unless a flashback it used to show the
audience.

I am concerned that you have not only missed the understanding of the task at hand but even as a combined document you spend a great deal of time explaining dialogue with he said, she said; it can be condensed considerably. It is acceptable to inform the readers about the essence of the conversations between characters but not so much information. Aim to show visually what is happening in the scene rather telling the reader what is being conversed. To add to the over loquaciousness of your writing, I find that you often repeat information within the same paragraph, by eliminating these it will not only decrease the length but stay of point of your plot that keeps the reader engaging and speeds up the feeling of pace in your film.

I applaud you for your efforts in creating a film and despite my comments I can see that you have a direction you want to head. Overall this was a great start however be sure to understand the task required so the reader can critique your work based on those requirements. I found it difficult to edit because it was two separate documents combined. There is no shortage of drama, but some heavy editing will allow readers to absorb the messages and themes you are trying to tell. I feel you will not struggle with dialogue or length when it now comes to develop it further.