The Borderline Experience

“I could never be so cruel to her.” My sister, nine years my junior, was talking about her newly born daughter, and the two of us were having one of our many discussions about how our mother treated us in the past. Our significant age difference made it seem as if we grew up in completely contrasting environments, but one thing remained constant, and that was our parent’s abusive and toxic behaviors. It has taken me most of my adult life to come to terms with my childhood, because I chose avoidance over examination. After all, I had a roof over my head and food to eat, and I could have had it much worse. It wasn’t until I started researching my mother’s diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder that the missing puzzle pieces started falling
into place. I found Christine Lawson’s fairy tale classifications identical to the behaviors both of my parents exhibited throughout my childhood. Thomas Franklin, M.D., , says:
“Borderline, passive-aggressive, narcissistic, and schizoid personality disorders could describe these characters in turn. The impulsive, attention-seeking, passionate Witch. The passive but no less powerful and attention-seeking Waif. The imperious but ultimately insecure Queen. The withdrawn and mysterious Hermit.” Franklin says that unlike in fairy tales, individuals with BPD have loved ones who are hurt, and their complex nature needs to be considered.
Experts believe that there are many more people with undiagnosed BPD, because those with the personality disorder tend to avoid treatment, or are mistreated because they have a co-occurring mental illness or disorder that displays similar symptoms. It doesn’t help that the conversation surrounding BPD remains limited, creating a stigma that often makes a person with BPD feel vilified. David M. Reiss,””, wrote in his published paper titled The Borderline Experience: “In my opinion, the key to understanding the experience of a person with BPD is through appreciating that behaviors that may be highly dysfunctional as an adult were actually protective during a childhood marked by recurrent perceived trauma.” Aileen Wuornos, convicted mass murderer whose story has been told in the movie Monster, was diagnosed with BPD during her 1992 trial. Psychiatrists determined that the sexual and physical abuse Aileen suffered as a child triggered her, causing her to seek revenge on her victims. In the documentary “”, those interviewed stated that Wuornos never had a chance in life, because she was abandoned by her family and community at a very young
age. Wuornos may seem like an extreme example, but as anyone who has watched a show like Snapped or Deadly Women can tell you, the criminal usually surprises those close to them. There are always a series of interviews following these tragedies stating how unexpected the crime was, because the accused was “a good person”, “fun-loving “, generous”, and almost always came from a “normal” family. Even when a convicted criminal comes from an abusive situation, critics are slow to consider how much impact emotional abuse can have on a child. As Christine Lawson states in Understanding the Borderline Mother: “Chronic psychological degradation of a child, or an adult, can have deadly consequences.” At first glance, my family probably seemed normal to the outside world: with my mother being well-educated and my stepfather gainfully employed, our church-going exterior distracted from the addictions and abusive behaviors.
My younger brother was what schools and communities like to label a “troubled kid”, his antics making history when he was the first kindergartner to be expelled from our private school. What my mother saw was a carbon-copy of herself, and every side eye and negative comment was an echo of offensive remarks made about her own behavior as a child. Whenever my brother got into trouble for his disregard of authority or bad attitude, my mother saw it as a victory: my brother wasn’t just sticking up for himself, he was sticking up for my
mother. Splitting occurs with BPD parents, because their world view is black and white, with little room for compromise. With the children of BPDs, one child is seen as “All-Good”, while their sibling is viewed as “All-Bad”, and these labels can change depending on what need of the BPD parent is being fulfilled. Although I admired my brother’s bravery, I disassociated when things got ugly, and tried to fade into the background. Even though I followed the rules out of fear, and kept my opinions to myself, my mother labeled me a phony and consistently accused me of doing the worst. One of the most destructive situations that can occur between a BPD parent and Non-BPD child is enmeshment: the inability to separate your feelings from your parent’s, and being unable to discern what your thoughts and needs are beyond your parent’s expectations. Because of his inability to detach from my mother’s view on life, he has no autonomy from her, and his children are subjected to the same parenting behaviors. Healing as an adult child of BPD can only really begin when we realize that we weren’t supposed to be responsible for a parent’s happiness, that children aren’t inherently bad and are supposed to be protected- basically, growth only comes when you realize your childhood for what it was.