The Inner Self

The Inner Self

Z.Z Packer has a very unique style of writing that brings the reader deep into the character’s heart and soul. In her short story, “Drinking Coffee Elsewhere”, we get look inside of a social outcast named Dina and the struggle of finding her own identity in completely new atmosphere. The challenges she has to endure during her journey to explore the inner self. Packer main subject matter is on the topic of isolation and the tension inside of a well-constructed community. The idea of “true self” refers to a person’s ability to openly express their true emotion. In the story, the protagonist Dina is so guarded by her feelings that they are afraid to uncover her true emotions, so hence she isolates herself from others. In reality, the only way for one to find it’s inner self is to connect with others with the same core values that also share the same experience. Dina is an African American from the city of Baltimore who she got accepted to attend the prestigious Yale University. During her orientation she was asked to name one object she would like to be, surprisingly her answer was to be a revolver, which she hoped to wipe out the entire world with it. Dina mindset in the beginning of the story is much reflects from her childhood and her inner personality, in which she thinks nobody in world understand her thoughts and feeling. Her answer landed a year of counseling in which during this time she would slowly reveal her side of the story, including her family and also her memories of the past. Isolation can be caused by numerous factors. A community can exclude an individual mainly been different, or they can purposely isolate themselves from the community. Dina is isolated from her Yale community, starting with the orientation leader’s remarks that she does not have to fit in to the white community’s standards and games because she is black. In isolation, Dina slowly develops a sense of control, a illusion of been in control, by connecting with others she would have the risk of losing that illusion of self control. One of main evidence was that Dina didn’t seem to get along with anyone during her beginning semester at Yale, in which she find hard to even talk to strangers. At a new place, people tend to find areas where it seem most resemblance the place where use to live. As Dina puts it “I don’t know, I think it’s the architecture”(3) that she believe this place doesn’t suit her and she is in need of exploring new ground to be able to connect with others. Architecture of place can resemble a lot of emotion of a certain place, that which whenever we move to a new it’s the architecture of the areas that give us feeling of exploring new grounds. Heidi was Canadian who also was dealing problems with social outcast. One of the main issues was that she was a lesbian, and been a lesbian can deal with a lot of stress from its surrounding peers. Heidi was in Dina’s Contemporary Poetry class, where they both learned the Frank O’Hara poem that sums up the issue they both dealing with. As from the story itself, "When I was a child," the person said, "I played by myself in a corner of the schoolyard all alone. I hated dolls and I hated games, animals were not friendly and birds flew away. If anyone was looking for me I hid behind a tree and cried out 'I am an orphan—' " (4)
The quote from the poem gave us a much deeper look into Dina’s past life and the feeling she dealt with when she was a child. A person’s personalities often times begin during their childhood, and mature with them as they grown older. Dine had a very close personality at the very beginning, and over time it completely took over her mindset. Both Dina and Heidi lost their mom and came from families who had many issues dealing with family relationship. Dina herself that she hated her father as she explains, "I hate my father almost as much as I hate the word 'Dad.' " (7) Family background can be a huge impact on one’s understanding of the world. It was through Heidi, that Dina emerges from her shell and starts making initial connection with others. During some lunches, She and Heidi starts making connection with other people, especially people who they think are equal similar to their taste. Heidi, much like Dina comes from dysfunctional family where she had been treated differently. Her family had always treated her as she was unique, but due to the relation between her and her family, Heidi felt she didn’t get right amount of attention. She is also in need of someone who can understand her feeling and emotions that she been dealing with. When Dina first made contact with Heidi it was much like she finally found the light at the end of the tunnel, that she finally have someone to help her to find her inner self. Dina was finally able to talk her true feeling other then herself, she was able to carry out a conversation with Heidi without feeling awkward and scare. The relationship between Dina and Heidi can be express more then just friendship, but as partners that rely on each other for the purpose of were reminded of why they exist on this planet. At the beginning, Dina constantly tries to push Heidi away, but Heidi does not give up. It was after the discussion of the disease that could inhabit from reheating ramen noodles that got Dina finally convinces to hangout with Heidi. The first contact is always hard when it comes to isolation, but due to Heidi personality she was able to slowly open up Dina and explore her issue of been an outcast. Heidi’s personality seem to a bit pushy, that she keep trying to get through Dina numerous times in the beginning. She basically forced herself into Dina’s life, and in result Dina finally felt the effort that Heidi tries to put into this friendship. Numerous times, Heidi puts arm around her to make her feel she has someone to count on, that she is not in this world alone. The concession to the comfort of Heidi’s arm shows Dina yearns for connection. Dina wants to feel connected to someone who has the ability to understand her and to sympathize with her. As from the story, Unfazed, Heidi puts her arm around Dina’s shoulders and continues to walk with her. Even though Dina swears she will “have to chop it off” next time, she admits to herself “in the cold air, her arm had felt good” (8)
It means the deep insider Dina heart, she is yearn to connect with somebody, that she wants to be understood by a peer that’s has similar experience dealing with isolation. Over period of time Dina starts to feel more embedded in her friendship with Heidi. During most of the time at the Commons, Dina finds herself to be able to predict Heidi’s mood and attitude because starting to recognize Heidi’s unique facial expression. Their relationship slow starts to develop and they both wanted the friendship to last. One of climax of the story was when the two girls decided to work for food hall as dishwashers. After finish washing one night shift, Dina, surprisingly decided to take step furthering in their relationship by taking her cloth off. At this very moment, we can see that Dina truly opens herself from isolation, that she is totally different person during the beginning of the story. Thought their relationship never reaches sexual level, but their nakedness tell us about the reflection towards each other both in openness term and also the idea of been intimacy with one another. It was through connection of other that one can only find their “True self”, and along with it it’s the joy of having somebody you can share memories with. Dina has an epiphany about her relationship with Heidi that night: “I think I began to love Heidi that night in the dish room, but who is to say that I hadn’t begun to love her the first time I met her? I sprayed and sprayed her, and she turned over and over like a large beautiful dolphin, lolling about in the sun” (16)
Dina has accepted this relationship with Heidi and seems ready to expose with her to fullest. She is a vulnerable person and her move to make Heidi show her own vulnerability, which makes the same plane as good friends. This will eventually lead to a much more real connection. Dina and Heidi spend more and more time together over the course of the school year: “we spent the winter and some of the spring in my room -- never hers -- missing tests, listening to music, looking out my window to comment on people who wouldn’t have given us a second thought” (21)
This relationship with Heidi has been the most sincere one since the death of her mother. Her mother’s death leaves her feeling vulnerable, alone, and distrustful of others. Thought in the end, the relationship between Dina and Heidi did not got well, but that was mainly due to connection between them is fragile, that Dina is fear of rejection and lost much more then it gains. Dina does not go to Canada with Heidi to her mother’s funeral because of Dina’s cold comment about her death. Dina drops out of Yale and moves in with an aunt. However, she does miss her and the connection they had. Every day, however, she “imagined Heidi’s house in Vancouver” and how wonderful it would be to visit Heidi there. She fantasizes about Heidi coming to visit her one more time: “Just me in my single room. She knocks on the door and says, ‘Open up’” (26) After the two departed, deep inside Dina’s heart, she yearns for Heidi to come back to her life. Dina relationship with Heidi has gone past way more just pure friendship; the two of them begin to develop love for each other. In all of her life, Dina has never had a friend like Heidi, and the steps to get to there might only be a lifetime opportunity. The passage from the story suggests that Dina will always waits Heidi to come back and the door will be always be open for her. In conclusion, isolation can be only resolve from connecting with others that have similar background. That only through other that one can find their inner self, and understands who they truly are