The Lens Model Of Conflict
The Lens Model of Conflict highlights one’s personal ways of viewing interpersonal conflict through different personal perceptions. The Lens Model suggests that many people view the conflict in different ways. A situation is viewed through the lenses of self, other and the relationship but can also be swayed by personal filters consisting of gender, culture, age, personal experiences, norms, or personal biases that can misinterpret the situation. In order to further understand the Lens Model I have applied a personal conflict with another conflict party, viewing my lenses and filters throughout this conflict as well as the other persons. The argument I propose that will be represented in this paper is that perception is different through everyone’s eyes therefore making it harder and blocking out ways in which people find a common ground to resolve the conflict. Over winter break last year, I had been introduced to a guy whom I started to date and being that he is a few years older he was looking to potentially settle down. Being that I am still in college it was hard to be able to make time for him around school and living two and a half hours away from home. When conversation rose about moving forward in our relationship, I
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had expressed my feelings that a long distance relationship would be extremely hard for me due to the circumstances of being away at school for weeks at a time. His response was that it was possible and that if I had cared I would find a way to make it work through the circumstances that were in the way of us being in a relationship and that he was not going to be with someone who did not care for him the same way he cared for me. Being that he did not see my side and jumped to the conclusion that I did not care, I decided to walk away from the conflict at hand and told him that I wanted to end things between the two of us. My own perception of this argument caused me to walk away and end things between the two of us instead of working through the circumstances. I expressed my feelings to him in hope that we could come up with some solution. Hearing his reaction stating that I did not care made me feel as though he was being selfish and rude to the situation at hand which made me not want to move forward with him. In this situation I felt as though he was jumping to conclusion when all I wanted was to come to a solution and for him to hear my side of the argument. This leads to the view of “other” because my attributions within this argument made him behave in the way he did because he did not want to be the one to break the relationship off, therefore was telling me I did not care to make me mad so that I would end it with him. This situation had given me the perception that he did not want to be the bad guy in ending the relationship and further explained that he would not be with someone who did not care for him the way he cared for me. Furthermore, assuming things that were not accurate made me extremely frustrated and caused me to end it and walk away. My significant other’s perception of this situation also made it hard to reach a middle ground. Through the lens of “self” through his perception, he explained that long distance would not change the way he felt about me and that he was confident that this relationship could have worked even being two and a half hours away. He felt as though there was no resolution to this conflict because I had told him that it would be extremely hard for me to do long distance taking away the option for him to explain how it could work because of the mind set I was in. He felt as though seeing each other every few weeks would make it more exciting considering the fact of being away from each other for some time. In this situation, he wanted to give long distance a try because it could be something that we were good at considering we have never been in this situation before. His perception made him come to the conclusion that I did not want the relationship and that all I wanted in the end of this argument was to get what I wanted due to the fact of me ending it and walking away. His attributions for why I ended the relationship and told him I did not want to do long distance was because I was scared that he would find someone better and because not seeing him for weeks at a time would be hard at school. This made him further think that I wanted to be single at school and that I was making up excuses to why something so strong could not work through long distance. Relational history can consist of three views of the relationship which can be past events, current events and future projections. These three views can alter the conflict and sometimes does not allow for a compromise to be reached. In terms of these three lens of relationships, I behaved in this situation the way I did due to being scared and jumping to conclusion about long distance relationships therefore making the executive decision that the relationship was over. Past events led me to push me to make end the relationship because our relational history which changed my perception. Not only has past events fluctuated the way I perceived the situation, but current events could also be to blame for my behavior. For example, when he told me I did not care about him and that he was not going to be with someone who did not care for him the way he cared for me. This made me frustrated because I wanted to have a conversation with a solution and with him assuming things made me feel as if no matter what the conflict was. Lastly, future projections made me feel even worse about the conflict at hand because I felt that during any conflict we had he was always going to assume things instead of hearing me out. These three lenses in relational history led me to shut down leading to a resolution that could not be met. As for my significant other, he felt as though we have fought before and because he knew that my feelings were strong for him he never would think that I would be one to end the relationship without talking about it first.
In terms of past events, we had always worked through fights and they were always resolved within the day and neither he nor I went to bed angry. As for current events in this relationship, we had made it through all of our fights even if we did not compromise on something, we resolved the issue and moved past it instead of dwelling on it. Lastly, he thought that no matter what he said he would be able to persuade my mind when he said that I did not care, in hopes that I would cave and be talked into doing long
distance. Finally, within the Lens Model of Conflict are my filters. Filters create a bias within an argument creating a barrier for a resolution to be met. Some filters that swayed my decision within this argument was the age difference between him and I, which was four years as well as gender. When it comes to age, many people can have a gap in age when dating other people. Four years may not seem like a lot but when one is twenty-one and the other is twenty-five, we tend to have different outlooks on life. For example, he was ready to settle down, as where I am just trying to finish college without having to worry about any big commitments to someone especially when being two and a half hours away. Due to this factor it made me feel as though he was more mature and that I was holding him back. Lastly, I am a female and as many people know females tend to have more emotion at times then males, especially in conflict. When conflict rises in my relationships I do not take it lightly because I do care about the other person tremendously or I would not be dating them. My significant also had many filters when looking at the situation that was present such as age, gender, and values. Age caused him to feel as though he was getting older and that it was time for him to settle down. He felt that long distance was going to benefit him in the end, being able to have some freedom as well has having a woman that would come home to him every few weeks. Next, he is a male and has a lack of emotion when it comes to relationships. Hearing him say that I did not care gave off the vibe that he was mad and was looking for me to end it instead of him. Lastly, his values played a big role in what he believed in when it came to relationships. For example, previously states he said that he was not going to be with someone that did not care for him the way he cared for me. This shows the values he portrays, stating that he wants it to be equal and he does not want one couple to feel more strongly than the other. His values show that if he is committed to someone, he is committed to them fully. People go through conflict all the time and wonder why they are in conflict so much. Looking at the Lens Model of Conflict helps to really explain the aspects of a conflict and the reason for them. It puts into perspective the different views that go into each fight such as behaviors, perceptions, lenses and filters within each conflict. Learning about the Lens Model has and will continue to help me to solve a conflict and allow for a resolution to be met. No one likes to see the perspective of the other person’s side, but in the long run it will help to resolve the conflict by seeing the viewpoint of someone else as well.
had expressed my feelings that a long distance relationship would be extremely hard for me due to the circumstances of being away at school for weeks at a time. His response was that it was possible and that if I had cared I would find a way to make it work through the circumstances that were in the way of us being in a relationship and that he was not going to be with someone who did not care for him the same way he cared for me. Being that he did not see my side and jumped to the conclusion that I did not care, I decided to walk away from the conflict at hand and told him that I wanted to end things between the two of us. My own perception of this argument caused me to walk away and end things between the two of us instead of working through the circumstances. I expressed my feelings to him in hope that we could come up with some solution. Hearing his reaction stating that I did not care made me feel as though he was being selfish and rude to the situation at hand which made me not want to move forward with him. In this situation I felt as though he was jumping to conclusion when all I wanted was to come to a solution and for him to hear my side of the argument. This leads to the view of “other” because my attributions within this argument made him behave in the way he did because he did not want to be the one to break the relationship off, therefore was telling me I did not care to make me mad so that I would end it with him. This situation had given me the perception that he did not want to be the bad guy in ending the relationship and further explained that he would not be with someone who did not care for him the way he cared for me. Furthermore, assuming things that were not accurate made me extremely frustrated and caused me to end it and walk away. My significant other’s perception of this situation also made it hard to reach a middle ground. Through the lens of “self” through his perception, he explained that long distance would not change the way he felt about me and that he was confident that this relationship could have worked even being two and a half hours away. He felt as though there was no resolution to this conflict because I had told him that it would be extremely hard for me to do long distance taking away the option for him to explain how it could work because of the mind set I was in. He felt as though seeing each other every few weeks would make it more exciting considering the fact of being away from each other for some time. In this situation, he wanted to give long distance a try because it could be something that we were good at considering we have never been in this situation before. His perception made him come to the conclusion that I did not want the relationship and that all I wanted in the end of this argument was to get what I wanted due to the fact of me ending it and walking away. His attributions for why I ended the relationship and told him I did not want to do long distance was because I was scared that he would find someone better and because not seeing him for weeks at a time would be hard at school. This made him further think that I wanted to be single at school and that I was making up excuses to why something so strong could not work through long distance. Relational history can consist of three views of the relationship which can be past events, current events and future projections. These three views can alter the conflict and sometimes does not allow for a compromise to be reached. In terms of these three lens of relationships, I behaved in this situation the way I did due to being scared and jumping to conclusion about long distance relationships therefore making the executive decision that the relationship was over. Past events led me to push me to make end the relationship because our relational history which changed my perception. Not only has past events fluctuated the way I perceived the situation, but current events could also be to blame for my behavior. For example, when he told me I did not care about him and that he was not going to be with someone who did not care for him the way he cared for me. This made me frustrated because I wanted to have a conversation with a solution and with him assuming things made me feel as if no matter what the conflict was. Lastly, future projections made me feel even worse about the conflict at hand because I felt that during any conflict we had he was always going to assume things instead of hearing me out. These three lenses in relational history led me to shut down leading to a resolution that could not be met. As for my significant other, he felt as though we have fought before and because he knew that my feelings were strong for him he never would think that I would be one to end the relationship without talking about it first.
In terms of past events, we had always worked through fights and they were always resolved within the day and neither he nor I went to bed angry. As for current events in this relationship, we had made it through all of our fights even if we did not compromise on something, we resolved the issue and moved past it instead of dwelling on it. Lastly, he thought that no matter what he said he would be able to persuade my mind when he said that I did not care, in hopes that I would cave and be talked into doing long
distance. Finally, within the Lens Model of Conflict are my filters. Filters create a bias within an argument creating a barrier for a resolution to be met. Some filters that swayed my decision within this argument was the age difference between him and I, which was four years as well as gender. When it comes to age, many people can have a gap in age when dating other people. Four years may not seem like a lot but when one is twenty-one and the other is twenty-five, we tend to have different outlooks on life. For example, he was ready to settle down, as where I am just trying to finish college without having to worry about any big commitments to someone especially when being two and a half hours away. Due to this factor it made me feel as though he was more mature and that I was holding him back. Lastly, I am a female and as many people know females tend to have more emotion at times then males, especially in conflict. When conflict rises in my relationships I do not take it lightly because I do care about the other person tremendously or I would not be dating them. My significant also had many filters when looking at the situation that was present such as age, gender, and values. Age caused him to feel as though he was getting older and that it was time for him to settle down. He felt that long distance was going to benefit him in the end, being able to have some freedom as well has having a woman that would come home to him every few weeks. Next, he is a male and has a lack of emotion when it comes to relationships. Hearing him say that I did not care gave off the vibe that he was mad and was looking for me to end it instead of him. Lastly, his values played a big role in what he believed in when it came to relationships. For example, previously states he said that he was not going to be with someone that did not care for him the way he cared for me. This shows the values he portrays, stating that he wants it to be equal and he does not want one couple to feel more strongly than the other. His values show that if he is committed to someone, he is committed to them fully. People go through conflict all the time and wonder why they are in conflict so much. Looking at the Lens Model of Conflict helps to really explain the aspects of a conflict and the reason for them. It puts into perspective the different views that go into each fight such as behaviors, perceptions, lenses and filters within each conflict. Learning about the Lens Model has and will continue to help me to solve a conflict and allow for a resolution to be met. No one likes to see the perspective of the other person’s side, but in the long run it will help to resolve the conflict by seeing the viewpoint of someone else as well.