Aerospace Persuasive Speech

To my perpetual knowledge, nobody has ever succeeded when challenging the onboard facilities and staff of an Aeroplane. The only possible reason for this is that David Cameroon assassinates anyone who even thinks about with a toothpick, I found out the hard way... Aeroplanes, from a distance, look like beautiful, massive and inviting, winged creatures, inside? They are far from it. Aeroplane architects spend so much time on the outer decor of the plane; they hardly remember there’s an inside as well! If the plane is colourful and has big ‘jets’ then I guess nothing else matters, Right? Right? Wrong!

Let’s start off with the exquisite, elegant and engaging stewardesses who for some reason feel it’s necessary to give me directions to my seat.
I managed to put my trousers on and dress myself accordingly this morning but I need some stranger to continuously shout random letters and numbers at me. B29? STRAIGHT! G16? STRAIGHT! Dwelling more into the predicament of Stewardesses, one thing I hate about them is the fact that they always smile. They come into work smiling, and even after a hard day’s work, they leave smiling... So to prove this little theory of mine I decided to do an ingenious, harebrained experiment, want to hear it? No? Ok here it is...

About a month ago I was on a trip to Hawaii with my Mother-In-Law, when I decided to stand up from my seat (whilst the seat belt sign was flashing, yes ... I know, rebellious I Am.) and slap a rather elderly stewardess across the face...She took a moment to respond and for a second I thought my theory had faltered, however as soon as that thought started to creep into my mind, the Stewardess pounced up and started smiling at me. I am now going to take a moment to say that *nobody male/female or leopard was harmed in this experiment.*

Ok, I think it’s time for a break from Stewardesses, just the word rocks a shiver down my spine. Another reason as to why I despise the onboard facilities/people of an Aeroplane is that the seating is horrible. I can’t think of another way to explain it... horr-ib-le
The people you will be forced to sit next to (if flying alone) will be colossal, sloppy and repulsive.
If you’re lucky, this will be all. If you are unlucky, they will spend the entire flight trying to get to know you intimately or trying to sell you something. A few months ago, I had some foreign China man try and sell me DVD’s containing explicit content, and by explicit I mean Finding Nemo uncensored. Also, the colossal, sloppy and repulsive person sitting next to you will be eating something equally as sloppy and repulsive. Did I mention there’s a 92% chance he/she will spill it on you? No? Ok, there’s a 92% chance he/she will spill it on you. 92%!! Not only this, but for some reason the people that board the aircraft with you are always weird lunatics. One time I was boarding an Aeroplane and a rather large African-American shouted “THAT WING SURE DOES LOOK RUSTY!” Another time whilst the plane was still on the ground, an elderly woman, two rows back started rocking back and forth in her seat shouting “THIS TURBULANCE SURE IS
ROUGH!”

Annoyed with what Aeroplanes have to offer yet?
No? You will be now. Ever wondered why people always have to go to the toilets at the same time? Picture yourself on a seven hour flight and for some reason after exactly 4 hours and 27 minutes everybody stands up.... and runs to the toilets, AT THE SAME TIME. NOT ONLY THIS, THEY RUN TO THE SAME TOILET. Are these silly people not aware of the size of this aircraft? And how there is a toilet on the other side... then again they probably think it’s not working seeing as I’m always occupying it. One flight, an elderly man walked into the bathroom and within a split second, ran out exclaiming (with his trousers around his ankles) “We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!" Another thing that annoys me is when people bring all sorts of activities onto the aircraft, I mean, you’ll be on a relaxing flight, why not look forward to you holiday, but instead some people decide to pass the time by doing something stupid, like writing a poem, yes that’s right writing on a plane, I mean what kind of poem could people possibly write that’s plane related? ‘Easy Jet is orange, Virgin is red, and I’m going to stop writing because by now you’ll all be dead.” In addition to all of this, about half way through your flight, a stewardess comes along and decides to offer you your in-flight meal, now normally I wouldn’t decline some good food, but what they offer is neither good nor food, in fact its sloppy stuff in a box. My mother tends to be rather
picky about her food, being Vegetarian and all, and about a year ago on a flight to Bangkok, she and my good self were meant to be provided with an elegant Vegetarian meal to suit our needs. However what we received was neither elegant nor vegetarian. In fact it wasn’t even meat!