Arranged Marriage

Arranged Marriage
A recent article describes some of the benefits and pitfalls to arranged unions. First, parents who favor arranged marriages believe that they are more experienced and objective than their children. They will be able to make better, less impulsive choices regarding a compatible, and often financially supportive mate than their child will. In many cultures, disobeying the arrangement can lead to disownment and exile from the family. But for the children, arranged marriages can cause fear and resentment. Many young people long for the chance to find their perfect soul mate, the one who makes their heart flutter and their palms sweat. They want to experience intimacy on many levels with that person before they make the commitment to spend the rest of their lives with them.
But do parents know best? Parents often arrange marriages for their children because doing so will ensure that their child stays vigilant in their religious beliefs. People from different cultures often see freedom of religion as a threat and are afraid of the varying views in Western societies. “The human mind finds security in habit so adjusting is hard and change is frightening,” says psychologist Jade Caton. That is why, according to Caton, many parents insist on arranged marriages. And maybe they are on to something. According to some research conducted in India, couples in arranged marriages have more extended periods of being in love than partners who choose their own mates. And arranged marriages end in divorce about 10 times less often than nonarranged marriages. But for young adults who cannot see past the pursuit and passion that come from falling in love, these statistics are often merely academic.
They are seen by many as business deals that have little to do with love.
But arranged marriages are far more likely to lead to lasting affection than marriages of passion, experts claim.
According to research, those in arranged marriages – or who have had their partner chosen for them by a parent or matchmaker – tend to feel more in love as time grows, whereas those in regular marriages feel less in love over time.

In love: Couples who have their other half chosen for them have a stronger marriage because their love grows over time
And within ten years, the connection felt by those in arranged marriages is said to be around twice as strong.
Relationship experts claim this is because arranged matches are carefully considered, with thought going into whether potential partners’ families, interests and life goals are compatible.
This means they are more likely to commit for life – and to stick together through rocky patches.
Those who marry for love, on the other hand, tend to be blinded by passion and so overlook these crucial details.
When the going gets tough, they are more likely to view the situation simply as a natural end to their romantic dream – a way of fate telling them something is wrong with the relationship.
With soaring divorce rates and record numbers of single-parent households in the West, researchers suggest it is time to rethink the Western approach to love. Harvard academic Dr Robert Epstein has studied the subject of arranged marriages for eight years, looking at the approaches taken in cultural groups including Indian, Pakistani and Orthodox Jewish.
He has interviewed more than 100 couples in arranged marriages to assess their strength of feeling and studied his findings against more than 30 years of research into love in Western and arranged marriages.

Lasting love? Newly-weds on their honeymoon. Within ten years those who had their marriage arranged will have a stronger relationship, researchers said
His work suggests that feelings of love in love matches begin to fade by as much as a half in 18 months, whereas the love in the arranged marriages tends to grow gradually, surpassing the love in the unarranged marriages at about the five-year mark.
Ten years on, the affection felt by those in arranged marriages is typically twice as strong.
Dr Epstein believes this is because Westerners leave their love lives to chance, or fate, often confusing love with lust, whereas those in other cultures look for more than just passion.
He said: ‘The idea is we must not leave our love lives to chance. We plan our education, our careers and our finances but we’re still uncomfortable with the idea that we should plan our love lives. I do not advocate arranged marriages but I think a lot can be learned from them.
‘In arranged marriages, thought goes into the matching. In the West, physical attraction is important. But people must be able to distinguish lust from love. Strong physical attraction is very dangerous, it can be blinding.
‘In the West marriages are easy to get out of. But in arranged marriages, the commitment is very strong. They get married knowing they won’t leave, so when times are harder – if they face injury or trauma – they don’t run away. It brings them closer.’
Francine Kaye, relationship expert and author of The Divorce Doctor, added: ‘There is an awful lot to be said for arranged marriages. They are determined to make it work.
‘I have seen in arranged marriages in the Orthodox Jewish community that the parents very carefully look at compatibility – it is not left to chance. They do their homework on their characteristics, their values, morals and life goals.
‘It should be pointed out that arranged marriages work because culturally marriage is seen differently. We have a very romantic view of marriage. Theirs is more pragmatic.
‘There is a downside to arranged marriages though – no matter how pragmatic you are in choosing a partner, there always needs to be chemistry.’
10 things you have to know about arranged marriages
1) Right age: Love knows no age, but in order to make a good match through arranged marriage, it is imperative to keep age consideration in mind. The preferable age for girls is around 25 or 26 and for guys no later than 30.

2) Self assessment: Take a pen and paper and list down what all things you expect in your spouse to be and what level of compatibility do you desire, that will be in tune with the compromises that will need to be made.

3) Decent Expectations: Expectations in an arranged marriage tend to run high and higher the expectations, greater are the disappointments because at the end of the day, it is not necessary that all the virtues that you desire can be found in one person.

4) Economic compatibility: Arranged marriages take everything in account and strive for utmost compatibility even in terms of economic standing of the families. In fact, in olden days it was a way of ensuring financial security for the bride.

5) Beauty: Arranged marriage is about suitability and compatibility. Beauty can easily take a back seat. Your intended need not be as dashing as Tom Cruise or as charming as Kate Winslet. Looks are important but not the most important thing.

6) Understanding: Now, this is the million dollar question: how can you understand a person in just one or two meets? At times a lifetime seems less to truly understand someone. It is here that you should share your feelings about the person with your very close friends or may be siblings.

7) Observe Etiquettes: Yes, there are some set codes of conduct that society at large expects you to follow. For example, do sufficient background research about the person before consenting to meet. Answering in negation after having met twice or thrice may be detrimental to the person’s self confidence.

8) Take Advice: Feel free to take advice from those you feel will be able to guide you in the best possible way. Do not make a show of your feelings but then do not go about it unsolicited.

9) Final Decision: Do not just marry a girl or a guy just because your parents or friends asked you to. It has to be your own decision and you will be responsible for whatever happens later in the life.

10) Commitment: Arranged marriages are based on commitment and it is the most necessary element that keeps a relationship going.

Multiple advantages of arranged marriage exist, including greater financial stability, lower divorce rate, and a purer bloodline, caste, or clan. While few couples enter into prearranged marriages in the United States, in Middle Eastern, African, and South Asian cultures the practice is very prevalent. Since biblical times, parents have chosen suitable mates for their children, particularly females; and arranged weddings were more the norm than the exception. "And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh: And I will make thee swear by the Lord, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell: But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son, Isaac" (Genesis 24:2-4).

African, Iranian, Indian and Chinese families often enter into contractual agreements of betrothal while children are very young. Girls have been known to wed as young as twelve or thirteen years of age. In many foreign cultures, selecting a mate for their offspring has economic and genetic implications. The advantages of arranged marriage include enabling two families to share resources and wealth not accessible in any other manner. Thus, the union of a young man and woman may primarily be for monetary gain rather than romance. Both families gain financially through the marriage merger of sorts, sharing in wealth as well as cultural and religious observances. In the Old Testament, after the death of her Hebrew husband, Ruth, the daughter-in-law of Naomi, adopted the Jewish culture and religion, refusing to return to her native land. "And Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me" (Ruth 1:16-17).

Top 10 Advantages of Arranged Marriages

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10- Financial security

Financial security is not always the priority in love marriage. But In arranged marriages Parents try to choose suitors who are financially, socially and educationally stable for their children. There is better chance of financial security in arranged marriage rather than love marriage because love marriage is driven by passion and emotions. Arranged marriages are mostly based on long term security and stability which makes life worth living.
9- Both families are satisfied with the relation

Arranged marriages are planned mostly by the families so both families remain satisfied with their decision. Families show positive attitude towards the newly married couple and try to help them in every positive way. Getting a perfect match is not an easy task but once parents find the perfect partner for their son or daughter, they become satisfied with their decision. And this way, all the people and relationships associated with the marriage become part of the ceremony with full enthusiasm and happiness.
8- Better understanding of lifestyle and Religion

The experience of parents in judging a person can help in making a marriage successful that’s why it is said that arranged marriage is more based on logic and thoughtfulness. Parents try to choose right person for their daughter or son who belongs to same religion, same background, same culture and same class which creates mutual understanding in the new relations. Both persons involved in the marriage adopt each others lifestyle very easily and that makes the relationship strong. Also, due to same belief, their actions and deeds resemble with that of other person which helps in developing sustainable relationship in sustainable manner.
7- Low rate of divorce

Life is uncertain, there is no certainty about future but hope is the elevating force that drives people to work hard in order to achieve successful future. Same is the case with arranged marriages. Arranged marriages are carefully formed. There is special importance given to intellectuality, finance, understanding and education that help in building the secure future. And hence, there are fewer chances of divorce.
6- Full family support

In west, marriage is family affair which is celebrated with full zeal and readiness. Arranged marriages are more organized in a way that parents keep account of everything I-e girl’s parents will try to find the perfect match for their daughter who can keep their daughter happy, relax and stable. So after marriage, even if the circumstances change and even the couple face any problem, their families act like soothing shadow that protects the couple from every problem.
5- Equality

Equality is really important for any relation because it keeps on nurturing the relationship in right direction. Equality is main component in arranged marriages. Both persons suit each other in every aspect; be it education or capability. Arranged marriages actually reduce lot of burdens. When a girl or a boy knows that they are going to get marry in arranged style, they don’t waste their energy for hunting a life partner for them. Rather they consume their energy and creativity on purposeful endeavor like education. So in this way, both persons use their talent and skill in nourishing their family hence problems are mutually solved and relationship is strengthened from its deep roots.
4-Each day is full of surprises

Life becomes joyful and lively when each and every day stores special surprises for you. Arranged marriage is the best way to get this fun. Since arranged marriage is negotiated by the parents, love is not the basis of their relationship at first. And because newly married couple is not fully aware of each others habits and ideas, it leaves them with full of surprises. They find new things; reveal odd and funny habits which blossom their relationship like a lily. It also happens that both persons find irritating habits of each other or don’t share the same thoughts about particular topic but both persons try to adjust in the situation and try to nurture their relationship hence love becomes prominent in their marriage with the passing time.
3- Arranged marriages develop into lasting love

Due to same culture and mutual understanding of each others beliefs, Arranged marriages get healthy and lasting. It is true that both persons are stranger to each other before getting into relationship but after marrying, these two people start feeling for each other. With the passages of time love, trust and affection become visible in the relationship. Research has also proved that, the feeling of love is more visible in arranged marriages as compare to love marriages because arranged marriages are rational and helpful for long term while love marriages are deeply based on passion and impulse.
2- Arranged marriages are well-planned

Arranged marriage is popular East while West thinks of it as stranger idea. Arranged marriage is believed to be safe because both partners complete each other in suitable manner. Parents make lots of efforts in order to get perfect match for their son or daughter. And this kind of thinking proves to be helpful in long term because practically speaking, love is not the only need in life but there are more important things in life with love which complete the life.
1- Stronger Commitments

Love is second place in arranged marriages but commitment is the first step. The newlyweds take responsibility of each other by staying committed to each other. They take mutual decisions which can benefit both of them and their families. They try to perform task in a way that it does not hurt the other person. They co-operate and compromise in order to make their relationship strong. And hence wise and mature actions make place of love in the relationship.