Family. CHOOSING A PARTNER

2. CHOOSING A PARTNER
Factors influencing the choice of a spouse * Personal Differences * religious belief * cultural/family background * Health condition * physical appearance * age difference * educational attainment * value orientation * nature of job * peers influence

Dating and Courtship * A date is merely a set time agreed upon by two people to engage in an activity. * The most commonly recognized definition is “an appointment for a specified time; especially a social engagement between two persons of opposite sex. * In the modern dating scene you usually hide all your faults to give a false impression about yourself, in order to keep your partner liking you. Recreational dating is about self-gratification -- you date to satisfy your own needs.

Courtship * Courtship is about open and honest exploration of each other’s lives and families leading up to engagement and marriage. * Courtship is a word that has been adopted to describe a biblical model for the relationship leading up to marriage * Courtship takes the position that the two people have no physical contact at all (no touching, no hand-holding, no kissing) until marriage. * Dating and courtship are two methods of beginning relationships with the opposite sex. * Courting couples state up front that their intentions are to see if the other person is a suitable potential marriage partner. * Courtship advocates claim that courtship allows for the two people to truly get to know each other in a more platonic setting without the pressures of physical intimacy or emotions clouding their view. * The main difference between dating and courtship is the attitude that one assumes towards relationships and the activities in which the couple engages before marriage. * Contemporary dating is generally a self-focused past time. It is characterized by expectations of physical/emotional intimacy without commitment. * Self-gratification is paramount. If either party is no longer gratified the relationship ends; thus, a cycle of short-term relationship begins and continues.

3. ROLES OF MARRIED COUPLES * “The role of a spouse brings new responsibilities and privileges into a person's life. While some changes are easy, others require work to be successful. “ * There are many anecdotes describing the joys and obstacles of marriage. It's true that people have responsibilities and obligations within marriages, there are several fundamental jobs that apply to all married people.

Fundamental Duties 1. Communication - Pinning down the No. 1 duty of a spouse can be a tough call, but there is evidence that honest communication is the most important role a married person can play. * Communicating well by confronting issues in a caring, nonjudgmental manner is an important duty for all married people. 2. Sharing responsibilities - The next crucial obligation for a married person is to share equally in all family duties, such as chores, errands, childcare and work. * Helping to absorb the stress of daily life helps couples feel their relationship is fair, and is an important obligation for married people. 3. Altruistic Love - Another duty of a married person is provide his spouse with unconditional, altruistic love, loving your partner selflessly by placing their needs above your own is an important duty within marriage. 4. Personal happiness - Finally, one main obligation of a married person is to keep herself/himself happy both spouses should retain a personal identity. * One spouse may want to keep a few of her own friends, hobbies and interests even if her spouse isn't a big part of those activities. This will allow each partner to embrace the relationship fully without sacrificing personal autonomy, which is an important task for married people.

5. WAYS OF MAINTAINING LOVE AND RESPECT BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE
Marital Relationship
"Marital" pertains to "marriage", and being married to someone.

Characteristics of a Healthy Marital Relationship: * Not only do you feel happy and safe with your spouse, you are able to have those same feelings when alone. * You motivate each other to live life to the fullest. To pursue your dreams and are able to work together toward common goals. * You accept each other for who you are. There aren’t any expectations that the other will or needs to change. * You both feel secure in expressing your opinion. You know your spouse will listen and take into consideration your feelings on issues that arise. * Your relationship with each other is your main priority. If something comes up that will cause stress in the relationship you always defer to what is best for the relationship. * Marital problems and conflicts do not cause you to feel insecure. Your spouse can become upset with you without you taking on the attitude that you are no longer loved. You fully understand that conflict is a part of any healthy marital relationship. * If you are asked about your relationship the majority of what you have to say about it is positive. * 8. You are able to communicate in an open and honest way with each other. * 9. You always feel loving, kind and giving toward your spouse.

Phases of Marital Relationship
The marital relationship goes through predictable phases. While not everyone goes through these phases and they may not flow from one to another, understanding them prepares you to adapt to the changes and keep the relationship going. 1. The honeymoon phase - This stage is marked by ecstasy, fun, excitement, romance, charm and a preoccupation with your spouse. It usually fades as the marriage progresses. 2. The disenchantment phase - As you struggle with your spouse to resolve the conflicts that come with living together as a married couple, there will be some loss of marital bliss. This usually occurs when bringing up young children who demand a lot of care. 3. The reality phase - Couples who reach this stage have more or less settled down in their role as parents. You will have learnt to work out problems and frustrations with your spouse and accepted mutual responsibility in the relationship. 4. The maturity phase - You will have adapted to your spouse and developed a good understanding of each other. Your children will likely be of school-going age and family relationships are quite stable. 5. The golden phase - You and your spouse are likely to be retired and your children should have left school at this stage. You may have to relate to adult children, as well as sons and daughters in-law. You will also have to deal with taking care of each other

Sexual Adjustments * Sex in the context of marriage can bring great joy and fulfillment to the couple. The intimacy of sexual union binds a couple together and distinguishes the relationship from all other relationships. The exclusiveness of sexual union bonds a couple together for a lifetime. * Husband and wife need to learn to communicate openly about their sexual life. Feelings of fears, anxiety have to bring to the open. Likes and dislikes too need to be made known to each other.

Success Adjustment * Men and women are not the same in what they find pleasurable. Since no one can read minds, if one wants to be understood, it is his/her responsibility to communicate with his/her partner. Compromise and negotiation are usually needed. * Sex is most rewarding when it is part of a caring, enduring relationship. Affection, respect, and trust are the most important parts of a good sexual relationship

Some reasons newly married couples may find it difficult to enjoy sex after marriage * The female is a virgin and finds intercourse to be uncomfortable for a short period of time. * The couple has different ideas on what romance is and the effect it has on their intimate relationships. * The couple is uncomfortable talking about sexuality and assume that the other person is equipped with mind-reading abilities and knows what the other one likes or wants.

The key to a happy and healthy intimate relationship in marriage is open and honest communication that focuses on the good and assists the relationship to move forward into a more positive situation for both partners.

Power, decision-making and communication
There are three types of power sociologists look at – 1. decision making - who has the power to make decisions 2. agenda setting (non-decision making) - already been set. 3. controlling wishes and desires - ability to shape the wishes and desires of other people

Symmetry of power in the home?
Who makes the decisions in the couple/family?
Who makes the key decisions?
Who makes the day-to-day decisions
If decision making = power who holds the power

* Communication is the emotional tone of couples. * Expression of positive feelings is critical to marital or family happiness * Couples who communicate mutual affection creates a contagious “spiraling effect” in the household atmosphere and becomes one of emotional support affecting their children * Developing positive communication skills help to create family cohesion—emotional bonding.

5. Special Problems in Marital Relationships
Non-marital relationship/live-in partnership * A living arrangement in which an unmarried couple lives together in a long-term relationship that resembles a marriage. * Couples cohabit, rather than marry, for a variety of reasons. They may want to test their compatibility before they commit to a legal union. They may want to maintain their single status for financial reasons. * In some cases, such as those involving gay or lesbian couples, or individuals already married to another person, the law does not allow them to marry. * In other cases, the partners may feel that marriage is unnecessary. * Marital infidelity, cheating, or an extramarital affair, the definition varies depending on many circumstances. * The strict definition of infidelity includes sexual behavior, but an extramarital affair or marital infidelity can be physical, emotional or both. * It doesn't matter if the affair is sexual infidelity or emotional dependence; feelings are still authentic and can be very intense.

Examples: 1. You discover your spouse set up a new cell phone account that sends the bill straight to the office. 2. Your spouse starts deleting all incoming calls on your caller ID while always rushing to be the first to answer the telephone. 3. Tell-tale scents are on your spouse, such as cologne or perfume that it's known you don't like, smelling like s/he just took a shower before coming home from work. 4. Your spouse has never been particularly into working out, but suddenly joins a gym and goes there five nights a week and without asking you to join. 5. You find your husband's condoms but he knows that you're on the pill.

Signs of infidelity in men and women should be understood by both partners in the relationship. Whether it be signs of infidelity in men or husbands, signs of wife infidelity or signs of marital infidelity - these traits of spouse cheating or partner infidelity can tell that something is going on.

Domestic Violence * Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars. * Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. * Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence. * Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. * And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. * Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and feel helpless and alone * Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior.

6. Law affecting Marital Relationship
EO 209 * The Family Code of the Philippines, or Executive Order No. 209, was enacted into law by President Corazon C. Aquino on July 6, 1987. It was intended to supplant Book I of the Civil Code of the Philippines concerning persons and family relations. * The Family Code covers fields of significant public interest, especially the law on marriage. It contains, among others, the definition and requisites for marriage, as well as the grounds for its annulment. It also contains the law on conjugal property relations, the rules on establishing filiation, and the governing provisions on support, parental authority, and adoption. * The current version of the Family Code of the Philippines was amended in February 23, 1998 by Executive Order No. 227 and Republic Act No. 9225.