How to parent teenages

HOW TO PARENT TEENAGERS? All behavior, whether it be that of children, adolescents or adults is influenced by the way they think. We all have values, viewpoints and morals that shape our thinking. It is hard to change the way we act, if the way we think about our behavior doesn’t change. As parents of adolescents we often wonder “What were they thinking?!” when we hear about the kinds of choices that they have made. In many families this is likely to be a fleeting question uttered in frustration, followed by a lot of advice or an instruction about how they should behave. “You shouldn’t be angry about not getting a good mark for that, it’s your fault you didn’t study hard enough!” is a typical statement parents say when their teenager shows disappointment about their grades. While the parent’s statement in this situation might be true, the comment is often taken as a criticism and can lead to a defensive response. No one wins in this scenario. Parents can help shift the way teenagers view situations, so that they see it from a different view and have a better understanding of their choices and the potential outcomes. Young people tend to respond better when we show curiosity, ask questions and try to understand their point of view rather than asserting our parental authority or offering advice immediately. At parent line we have professional counselors on hand to talk through the concerns you have about how you teenager is thinking and thus behaving. There is no magic wand that helps change perspectives but there are some things we can do that assist. So therefore this essay will discuss the elements on how to parent teenagers and the parenting style that will help parents to parent teenagers. Additionally here are some elements that can help parents in parenting teenagers and they are; love, trust, respect and understanding1. Now lets us steal a quick look at the first ways that can help parents in parenting teenagers and that is love. It is not uncommon for teenagers to feel unloved by their parents, and yet you almost hear a parent claim that they do not love their children. There are five different languages of which people use to perceive and give love and they are words of encouragement, gift giving, and act of service, quality time and physical closeness. All of us enjoy all of the above, but we usually have one particular love language that will really push our button and make us purr. However, failure to understand love language can shrivel relationships. Consider this situation, a teenager is sitting in his room, with a new computer, video, stereo and skate board, yet he is sullen, oppositional and uncommunicative. What’s going on? His love tank is empty. Mum and Dad have obviously showed him with gifts, but have failed to show him love in a way that he needs. His parent’s love language is gift giving, but maybe the teenager’s love language is word of encouragement. It is not uncommon for family members to have completely love languages. They show their love in ways that don’t seem to work, and they do not fully appreciate the loving gestures of others. It can be incredibly helpful to learn to speak a few words in another person’s love language2. The challenge of unconditional love is to value our children for their worth, not for how they behaving or not behaving. However this is especially important when conflicts arise. The ability to separate behavior from “being” allows you to attack problems without attacking people. In other words you can deal with your child’s lateness, sloppiness or whatever, without making it a character issue. This leaves you free to love your children no matter what, and leaves the children free to be lovable and acceptable regardless of the choice they make. Moreover ensure that they know that they are loved and understand God’s love. So therefore communicate God’s love to your children is an every moment of everyday process3. The powerful ways of displaying love is through really listening to your children and this is the same way that God did to us, as Jeremiah 31:3 say’s “I love you people with a love that will last forever. I became your friend because of my love and kindness”. Now let us look at the second ways of help parents to parenting teenagers and is trust. However trust is not a human emotion but feeling of sustained confidence in a person, place, or thing. We step into an elevator because we believe the machinery to be capable of sustaining a lift. Every time we drive over a bridge, we demonstrate our trust in the security of the city’s building codes. We go into surgery only after being assured of the skill and wisdom of the doctor holding the scalpel. In much the same way, children trust their parents in many and for many things. They trust their parents for the mundane and important details of life. Because parents continually provide them food, clothing, and shelter, they learn to trust us for their physical well being4. Perhaps the greatest role trust plays in parenthood is connecting our soul to those of our children. Intimacy, the soul of human relationship, cannot be present if trust is absent or in doubt. All children have basic needs. They need to know that they are loved, that they belong, and that they are accepted for who they are. For a teenager, trust is the bridge that links his need to know that he is loved with an understanding of being loved, his need to know that he belongs with a sense of belonging, and his need to be accepted with the knowledge that he truly is accepted. However without the bridge of trust, teenagers have no point of relational connection back to the family5. So therefore parents need to trust their children because children trust them. Consider the role trust plays in your relationship. The bottom line is this; if your child cannot trust you, teenager peers will shape his or her future. If you want to build a trusting relationship with your middle year’s child, start by cultivating attitudes that lead to a strong sense of family identity. Family identity is based on trust, acceptance, and growing loyalty between members. A Christ centered family identity is one in which family members are devoted to one another as Christ is devoted to his church. This devotion results in relationships that are based on trust and the acceptance of each family as unit. These virtues of trust and loyalty are seen not just in family member’s feelings and attitudes but also in their actions. So therefore trust is an important part of spiritual development. Without it we cannot have spiritual salvation. Jesus offers grace and freedom from the tyranny of sin, but we must trust him in order to take advantage of his marvelous offer. Helping your children acquire trust is an important cornerstone of spiritual development6. In Isaiah 24: 6 say’s “So trust the Lord always. Trust the Lord because he is our rock forever.” So therefore parents need to trust their children just as they trust God. Furthermore respect is the third way on how to parent teenagers. Respect is the keys to the whole parent teenager relationship. Teenagers really do want their parents to operate in dignity, and are disappointed whey they cannot look up to and respect their parents. A parent who becomes the victim in a family creates a very painful situation. Some teenagers can’t tolerate the vulnerability of their parents, so they despite them, and throw down the gauntlet to them, demanding, “You stand up to me or I will destroy you”. To parent a teenager is a very grown up thing to do. Parent coaches must never come down to the level of immature arrogance, rudeness, blame shifting and retaliation. Any child loses respect for his parents when he perceives that they need him to fill some unmet need in their emotional life. Parents should aim to operate out of a sense of security in them7. However the best way to get respect is to give it. As you treat your teenager more and more as an adult, they will usually respond with respect. The same thing does not happen if you ask them to treat you as a teenager. The respect that you show your partner is crucial. If parents undermine or belittle each other, they drop in their children’s opinion. Speaking lovingly and respectfully to each other will influence all your children’s relationships, now and in the future. Additionally teenagers will live up to the amount of respect they been given. Moreover here are some ways that parents can show respect;
Greeting them warmly
Respecting their privacy
Showing courtesy and good manners to them
Listening to them and showing interest
Acknowledging their increasing maturity, and negotiating with them.
As the result teenagers and parent will experience a good and healthy relationship. In Exodus 20:12 it say’s “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” So therefore respect is an important element in a teenager’s life and for us parent we need to show respect to teenagers. This moral behavior can only be employed by parents if they understand their children. However the fourth way of parenting teenagers is to understand teenager’s private world. If you want to find out what is going on with your middle years child, you need access to his of her inner private world. Every person lives in three worlds, public, personal and private. But our private world is the most secret places. No one can visit our private world without an invitation. Teenagers have a private world that is constantly changing and developing during the middle years. Additionally when your child is willing to share the issues of his or her heart, you must seize the opportunity. When your teenager invites you into his or her private world, parents must listen with their heart as well as their head8. Although there are no guarantees in parenting, this statement comes close to being a certainty. If parents can prove their trustworthiness during the vulnerable moments in the teenager’s years, their children will come to them when their children are facing life’s challenges. Their children will not forget their parents in times of need. So therefore parents need to understand their teenager children9. The four basic elements that have been discussed in the previous paragraph will help the parents to adept in the parenting style known as authoritative style. In addition there are four parenting style that a parent can use to help them in parenting their teenagers. The first parenting style is permissive. Under the permissive parenting style the parent has a very high support concerning the need for their teenager’s children but as a result parents has a very low control on them. Low control means that teenagers decided what the parents do.
The second parenting style is neglective. Under the neglective parenting style the parent has a very low control over their children but also a very low support. In this particular parenting style the parent neglect their children. The third parenting style is authoritarian. Under this parenting style the parent has a very high control over their children but has a very low support. As the result the children rebel and listen to their peers. Parents a very commanding to their children. The fourth parenting style is authoritative. Under this parenting style the parent has a very high control over their children and also they have a very high support over their children. So therefore from my perspective the parenting style that parent can use to help them to parent their teenagers is authoritative. Under this parenting the four elements that I have mansion from above is depicted. When parent have high support and high control it show that they have love, trust respect and understanding for their teenagers. To conclude, parents should remember that teenagers are not slaves; they are not there to prop up your ego or prove your prowess as a parent. They are human begins in their own right, and are deserve of love, trust, respect and understanding. These particular elements should practice by the parents first. Parents should show love to each other, trust, respect, and understanding so that the teenagers can follow them. So therefore as parent we should support and control teenagers with love, trust, respect and understanding. As the result the teenagers will like to fellowship with us daily.

REFERENCE
Donna J. Habenicht, How to help your child really love Jesus (USA: Review and Herald Publishing Association, 1994), 10-11.
Ian Grant and John Cowan, The white water rafting years (Australia: Pa’s Publishing, 1999), 113-114.

Gary and Anne Marie, The Smart Parent, (USA; Multnomah Publishers, 1998), 98-99.

Nancy L Van Pelt, Train up a child, (Australia; Signs Publishing Company, 2001), 130-131.