I Love Monologue

How is it I love you, and I don't even like you?
If you weren't such a pretty girl,
I would prolly want to fight you
You perturb me, to say the least
But if love is a food to be eaten
What I have is a feast
I don't understand it, how could this be
How come I'm jealous when you're with anyone but me
It's not my place cuz we already settled and moved on in life
The only thing moving on did for me, was to bring me strife
I haven't seen you for months yet you fill my head
At least 15 minutes a day do I wish I was dead
And today is extra long, these feelings for you
I'm so anxious and scared because you'll be here soon
My first love, is far from what you see on TV
And those feelings they fake, me, I have them for real, times three
I can't believe I'm writing this, cuz I know it's just pain
When I let you read this, on that soon to come day
And like you don't know how I feel, I'll try and make you too
I'm just scared that the one who doesn't feel it is you
How can it be I'm in this improbable place
This place that shows me only your beautiful face
I used to think people were dumb, saying it hurt so much
Till it was me when I almost cried cuz I couldn't feel your touch
Goddamnit I need to stop it, cuz your not mine to be with
I moved on like my true heart was just an old myth
This is so fuckin selfish, to only think of what hurts my soul
But you never talk to me, so it's gotten out of control
I think all it is, is my emotional immaturity
You showed me my first love and pain and my first security
If I love you so much, then why do I kiss another
Made a mistake, thought of you and told the other I loved her

I flew across the world, just to be by your side
Yet when I was there, you made me want to run and hide
I want to cry and think it couldn't be true
That you were the one I fell in love with, the same one that I hated too
You were the second girl that I ever screamed at
The first was my false sister, Both times my heart was an emotional twister
I screamed because of what you did to my brain My logic filled with pain
And yet my heart and love for you was all the same
I hate you, and I love you, but I know it won't work
Cuz you're a screwed up bitch, and me a fucked up jerk
I wasn't your first love, and I often forget
There's at least one ahead of me, that made you emotionally wet
Then how many more will come to you
That you will love so through and so true
Will I get another chance, do I even want it
Is it just me or did you already say fuck it
Even if you haven't, as unlikely as that is…
GODDAMNIT I WANT TO SCREAM again
I JUST FUCKING LOVE YOU LIZ
You're there and I'm here, there's no hope and that's clear
But I hope when you visit, I can see you without fear
I will say this again, like so many times before
You're the most beautiful woman, and a wretched whore
These thoughts inside my head, its like its high school love
Like I haven't grown up
You're more important than a savior Liz, you're my white dove
So here is a list of what I want to do, though what I will do
Will only be one or two
I want to touch you, hug you, hold you and make love to you
I want to talk to with you, talk at you, argue and scream at you
I want to cry with you, cry because of you
I want to look at your face, three inches from mine
Just so that I can tell you it will all be fine
I want you here by my side, I want to take it all in stride
With you I want to confide about every time I lied
I don't care if I cry, I don't want to divide, For the love you provide
I can put my hate aside, if we can both grow inside
We'll see what happens, maybe, one day I want to make you my bride

So, Liz, that's how I feel when you're not around.
As far as when you are here, it fluctuates. Why is it my feelings are so strong now and not other times? How is it you are so capable of making me so upset, and its just like, I can't stand to listen to you say most anything. But then its as if I forget about all of that and just, well, love you. I feel so childish, I don't want to have the conversations when I'm 40 in the office starting like, "So do you remember your first love?" I want to say, " I don't have to remember, because I'll be seeing my love tonight." I hate the thought that if I was to tell anyone about this situation and my feelings, and if they're older, that they would say, "Oh, you're still young and you'll get over I. Your emotions are still immature." Its like, am I one of those stupid kids? The ones I look at and am like, damn that's annoying, why can't thy just get over it! Then, its like, I think how much my heart over flows with love for you, then I think about your thoughts on the physical and drugs and know that no matter how great my love is and how much it hurts, that, at least about the physical, I wouldn't and shouldn't and couldn't deal with that. That thought just kills me inside, it screws up my whole trying to get out of the depression thing. I mean, I would just want to make love to you till I couldn't move anymore, then hold you and sleep with you. But how could you trust me again if we were to be together, to think I did that to here, what stops me from doing it to you. I hope I don't crack and read/have you read this too soon and you don't want to see me when you're here. I love
you
Stephen