Impossible Goodbyes

In the memoir Year of Impossible Goodbyes, Sookan changes from someone who is new to the world and scared to someone who is supportive and brave. This change happens when Sookan envies the Japanese, when Sookan cheers on rebellious thoughts, and when Sookan asks the Russians to give her mother back. Sookan feels lost in the world, she longs to understand life as she sees it. Sookan acts as one raindrop in the storm of people, she has yet to experience many things, and she doesn't know how to act in the world that seems so big. Sookan doesn't have an identity, or if she does, she doesn't know it yet. Sookan acts as a part of her mother and grandfather, now that they are both gone in a sense, she has to act as herself which brings a new feeling to her. "For the first time, I did not like being a Korean child....I wished that I were Japanese. I thought of the Japanese who went to the special school and lived in pretty houses that Koreans used to own. The Japanese could have anything they wanted in Korea" (Sook Nyul Choi 30). Sookan has no one to guide her into
independence, she has to make the leap herself, stumbling along the way. Sookan now has to try to figure out her emotions, they get mixed together, not separated by what she was taught and what she believes. Sookan must navigate alone in the murky water of life, without a light in the darkness. At first, Sookan slowly drifts to the bottom, but slowly, she gains confidence and moves closer to the surface, she still has to find herself, but she knows that she can be a separate person, and though she doesn't understand how, she knows that she must make it to the surface and form her own identity. "I felt ashamed. She[Mother] and Grandfather always tried to teach me to be peaceful and merciful, but I couldn't help thinking how wonderful it would be to kill all those wicked Japanese as that boy had said. I didn't know how to change these awful feelings" (Sook Nyul Choi 81). Sookan, now refined, has to act as her own person, she isn't there quite yet, but she definitely knows what needs to happen. Sookan now has an identity, she knows who she is and what she wants, she was awakened by Inchun, he told her that she was his nuna and he needed her.
Sookan now wants to do the best for her and her family. She knows what she has to do, and is prepared to do it, she is ready to make decisions on her own and has gained the confidence to do so."'We want to know what you did with our mother. We came to get her.' I stared into his eyes and I didn't move. I was frightened. I could see out of the corner of my eye the guns and the dogs inside the guard house" (Sook Nyul Choi). Sookan may be scared, she may be unprepared for the answer or reaction to her actions, but she knows what is right to her. Sookan has more confidence now that she has changed, she gained self trust and respect. She knows what SHE wants and what SHE thinks is right. She has gained her own identity, separate from that of her parents and
siblings.