Inner Struggle In Handmaid's Short Stories

An elite game athlete’s chances for the championship are jeopardized when her father suffers a brain injury forcing her to move back home and train on her own.

STORY COMMENTS (first 53 pages)
LILA is an engaging character-drive sports drama that features a strong and intriguing female protagonist. There’s also a solid hook with the idea of the elite game competition. The heart of the story is about a father and daughter relationship.
The story is driven by two goals. One is the external goal of competing in the games and the other is an internal goal of reconnecting with her father. The inner struggle and internal goal nicely interfere with the actionable goal. The stakes feels very personal.
In the first 53 pages, there’s a lot to really
Perhaps she visits him at the hospital and she sees how they treat him given the number of patients they have at the VA. Like at the dog shelter, there are just too many and he’s really just another number to them. Maybe she can’t get a nurse to come into the room when he needs help. Helen encourages her to go on with her life. She’s tries, is conflicted, maybe she watches the dogs at the center, realizing that they each deserve a home and a life with dignity and this triggers her decision to bring her father home.
One can envision a strong storyline if he’s home, there’s conflict i.e. caring for him interferes with her training and eventually he begins to help and this also helps him in his healing process.
The other major area is the love interest. One really likes the idea of Remi being an inspector, but there should be more conflict and attraction. Don’t make it too easy. Try to find a way to make it feel more natural for him to be watching her at the game.
Here are additional specific notes:
Remember to show and not tell or explain: Both trainers spend more time with their athletes than Jimmy did with Lila. Jimmy looks to Lila for acceptance has to be visual. The audience can’t understand this unless it’s visual or
Let the visuals tell the story.
The conversation between Lila and the doctor is a bit overly dramatic, “But what? What!” Tighten conversation. Later, cut Lila saying: “Oh my God,” (Page 18).
Overall, tighten/cut the sequences with the doctor. Consider if you need the scene with Helen berating the doctor.
Remember to keep Lila in character at the hospital regarding her father.
On page 24, Chapman and Lila act like they don’t know each other, but they competed against each other in the opening, so this feels inconsistent.
Both Chapman and Lila use the term “wow” which makes their voices less distinctive.
Make sure there’s a strong trigger or inciting event that makes Lila decide to move back home.
There are several descriptions about photographs in the house. Tighten this.
Make sure in the first act the audience understands the stakes for the dog shelter.
Fun scenes with Lila and the dogs and the “cutthroat signal.”
Nice scene when Lila watches the videos and when Jimmy takes his finger and presses it under his chin (page 37).
Remi repeats a question about “any other places you keep the dogs”.
Enhance conflict and pace in scenes between Remi and