Interpersonal Communication

Ethan and Michelle
Angela Fox
COM 200 Interpersonal CommunicationInstructor: Patricia Anderson
July 4, 2011

July 4, 2011
Dear Ethan and Michelle, Congratulations on your new engagement. As you both know I am currently taking a course focusing on interpersonal communication. Throughout this course I have learned multiple things regarding interpersonal communication; especially communication within relationships. An interpersonal relationship consists of people who are codependent yet their actions affect the other person. Interpersonal communication is a vital step with interpersonal relationships. “The parties in an interpersonal relationship have consistent patterns of interaction and communication” (Sole, 2011). Interpersonal relationships require you to let your partner feel connected to you, let them know how you feel and let them know what you need from the relationship. The simple way to accomplish all of those things is through interpersonal communication and by following certain barriers that go along with it such as: listening, sharing, empathizing, and observing. Effective communication is the key to making any relationship healthy and helps ensure it will last. Ironically, one of the major steps in ensuring one can effectively communicate with their mate is by evaluating themselves and their emotional intelligence. Emotional Intelligence (EI) is defined as the capability to understand, communicate and manage feelings and emotions. (Sole, 2011). EI also refers to the aptitude to comprehend and respond to other’s feelings and emotions. “Building emotional intelligence skills boosts people skills and enriches relationships” (Stephenson, 2008). Emotional intelligence can reflect how emotionally healthy one is. When there is a higher EI, people are able to be comfortable with their own feelings in turn can easily understanding the feelings and emotions of others. “It also enables you to handle life 's emotional setbacks in a healthy manner instead of taking out your feelings on others” (Segal, 1997, Sole, 2011). “Relationships are - not surprisingly - enormously important for health, and there are lots of studies on the biological processes that account for the link between relationships and health” (Johnson, 2011). "Aristotle spoke of the rare ability “to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way” (Logan, 1996). Emotional intelligence has three components: the ability to effectively perceive, communicate, and manage negative emotions; the ability to experience, communicate, and sustain positive emotions; and the ability to retain perspective during difficult times and to recover following stressful events (Zautra, 2003, Sole, 2011). Each component affects how we view ourselves. The way we view our self affects our interpersonal relationships. If we do not enjoy our self, it makes it very difficult to enjoy others and effectively interpersonally communicate with them. Research has shown that individual personalities effect how positive or negative one is. When referring to emotional intelligence, two of the main components relate to positive and negative emotions and how each individual addresses those actions. By letting go of negative thoughts, emotional intelligences are grown and benefits not only the individual but also their mate in terms of effective interpersonal communication. "Emotional intelligence involves making good judgments about when to deal with emotions and when to put them on hold" (Sole, 2011). Another step that is essential to ensuring a good foundation for effective interpersonal communication is knowing and understanding the appropriate levels of self-disclosure within the relationship. Self-disclosure is defined as sharing personal things with others however, “self-disclosure is not simply providing information to another person. Instead, scholars define self-disclosure as sharing information with others that they would not normally know or discover. Self-disclosure involves risk and vulnerability on the part of the person sharing the information” (Borchers, 1999). Normally, self-disclosure is intentional. Each of you have and will choose what you will reveal to each other (and also what you will disclose to others regarding your relationship). However, self-disclosure can at times be unintentional. If one of you share a story with the other and the listener unintentionally displays emotions that is also another form of self-disclosure. “Researcher, Sidney Jourard (1971), defined self-disclosure as permitting one 's true self to be known to others. While self-disclosure is important for building rapport with other people, it is also an important way in which you learn more about yourself“ (Sole, 2011).
Self-disclosure performs several different functions. “It is a way of gaining information about another person. We want to be able to predict the thoughts and actions of people we know. Self-disclosure is one way to learn about how another person thinks and feels” (Borchers, 1999). As you both prepare for your future together you will continually learn things about one another. “The process of developing and deepening a relationship requires reciprocal and appropriate self-disclosure and the development of mutual trust” (Sole, 2011). Self-disclosing helps move relationships into a deeper stage however, many may feel that self-disclosing is risky. That is true, while there are many advantages of self-disclosing, there are also some risks. One of the risks is that the listener will not respond how you had expected to the information you disclose. “Self-disclosure does not automatically lead to favorable impressions“ (Borchers, 1999). Another risk is that one person will gain an upper hand in the relationship based in information shared and the information they possess. Thirdly, too much self-disclosure or information shared too soon can be damaging to a relationship. These risks may sound scary, but you both need to calculate if the rewards are greater than the risk? More often than not, the answer would be yes. “Taking risks is the only way we can learn and feel and grow and have meaningful relationships” (Sole, 2011).Self-disclosing makes people feel vulnerable and also makes the person disclosing expectant of hearing the other person’s disclosures. You both may not be on the same level at all times and one of you may feel comfortable disclosing sooner than the other. “Once one person engages in self-disclosure, it is implied that the other person will also disclose personal information. This is known as the norm of reciprocity. Mutual disclosure deepens trust in the relationships and helps both people understand each other more. You also come to feel better about yourself and your relationship when the other person accepts what you tell them“ (Borchers, 1999). Self-disclosing helps makes others feel special. When you two decide or have already self-disclosed to one another, you confided in each other and made the other person feel privileged. That is a major step in helping interpersonal communication. Trust is huge in any successful relationship and self-disclosing will help you both trust one another. “By sharing information, we become more intimate with other people and our interpersonal relationship is strengthened” (Borchers, 1999). There are different stages of relationships and knowing when and how much to disclose is chief.

Perception, emotion and nonverbal expression will all weigh on your relationship in different ways and can affect your interpersonal communication with one another. “Perception is the process of acquiring, interpreting, and organizing information that comes in through your senses” (Sole, 2011). Perception does play a large part in how we acquire information and what we choose to do with that information. Avoiding your own perception on conversations opens a door for misunderstandings between the two of you. . How you perceive information can affect how you understand one another. By using poor perceptions in situations, this can lead to poor interpersonal communication and can hinder your relationship. Emotions as described by Antonio R. Damasio are the body 's reactions to certain stimuli (Sole, 2011). “Emotions are neither good nor bad, neither right nor wrong; they are simply part of being human“ (Sole, 2011). Emotions connect you to yourself and in turn help you connect with others, especially your partner. How you feel about different situations and how you express your emotions with each other will help you communicate effectively together. Emotions are a part of your feelings. “One researcher found that people who have relationships where they can be open and share feelings are healthier and happier than those who do not” (Jourard, 1971, Sole, 2011). It is at times difficult to communicate because of external and internal factors. Many times we “do not display pure emotions and this affects communication and interpersonal relationships” (Academic Writing Tips.org., 2011). Instead, we display a combination of various emotions, opposing emotions and overlapping emotions. “When emotions overlap, they make it difficulty for the receiver to interpret the message being conveyed. This interferes with establishment of interpersonal relationships and maintaining them” (Academic Writing Tips.org., 2011). Emotions are sometimes communicated by displaying certain behaviors. These behavioral cues will help the other person understand your emotions and use their perception. “Behavioral cues are important as they help the receivers decode the emotions. This makes it easy for the receiver and sender to maintain an interpersonal relationship” (Academic Writing Tips.org., 2011). Nonverbal communication has a large impact on interpersonal relationships. “Nonverbal communication is defined as communication of a message without words, which means that it encompasses a wide range of vocal and visual signs and behaviors“ (Sole, 2011).Nonverbal communication can enhance or harm relationships. It is often misconstrued and can at times cause turmoil in a relationship if you are unaware of the message being sent by the other person. This allows for misunderstandings and a backfire of the wrong emotion. Facial expressions are part of nonverbal communication. Many times, different expressions are portrayed during communication. Those facial expressions can harm the relationship and communication if they are understood differently than meant. “Effective facial display enhances interpersonal communication as the sender and receiver understand each” (Academic Writing Tips.org., 2011). Perception, emotion and nonverbal expression are three important factors that effect interpersonal relationships and the type of communication within the relationship. Being conscious of all three and the possible negative effects will help your interpersonal communication. “The process of building a relationship with someone is not always smooth and trouble-free. Communication problems can arise that disrupt the relationship or even cause its termination” (Sole, 2011). There are different communication problems that can occur in a relationship. Three of the most common are silence, placating and playing games. Being silent, or refusing to communicate with each other, can be harmful to your relationship. All of us are quiet at different times, but prolonged silence can put a damper on the communication between the two of you. A “marriage therapist has reported that people most commonly resort to silence when they are angry and/or hurt, when they are unable to communicate their feelings, or when they want to punish their partner” (Slupesky, 2010, Sole, 2011). When one or both of you choose to be distant and silent for a long period of time this can cause tension and can harm your relationship. With increased tensions, problems arise; anger and frustration build and the two of you can start to drift apart. “Interpersonal relationships may be seriously damaged by the silent treatment” (Sole, 2011). Another common communication problem is “placating, which means to soothe or calm someone by being nice or by giving in to demands” (Sole, 2011). Placating is used when one person gives in to avoid causing a conflict, by being overly friendly, or by taking the blame if things aren’t going how they were planned. Placating can come across as generous and caring but “problems with this type of behavior occur when it is not authentic and you send messages that do not reflect how you feel” (Sole, 2011). The third communication barrier, playing games, can be described as “a dysfunctional way of communicating, and it is a negative pattern of interacting that can develop between people. In most cases, the participants of the game are unaware that they are "playing"; they have simply developed a pattern of interacting that is not constructive or useful in growing the relationship” (Sole, 2011). Playing games can be very harmful for interpersonal relationships and effective communication. For example, if one of you use the common “see what you made me do” phrase, you are playing a game and not being open and honest about your feelings and not properly communicating with your partner. (Sole, 2011). The pattern of “the game” will soon stop when one person decides “not to play” anymore. “Regardless of how the game is stopped open and honest communication can prevent the continuation of a game and its effects on the parties involved.” (Sole, 2011). Many things will arise in your relationship that may result in a conflict. Conflict is very common in life, especially in interpersonal relationships. Having conflicts is not unhealthy, per say, as long as you both focus on effectively resolving them. “Conflict can be dangerous because it does have a tendency to grow and worsen, but it can also have important benefits that can strengthen a relationship and might even be desirable“ (Sole, 2011). Avoiding conflicts is not always what is healthy for a relationship. If a conflict arises, communicate together, share your emotions with one another and try to resolve the conflict together. This type of behavior will strengthen your relationship. There are different assertions and ways in which conflicts can solved. You will both find out what is healthiest and works best for your relationship, but being open and honest and communicating is always a great step in ensuring the conflict can be resolved. However, you both must acknowledge the conflict before it can effectively be resolved. “Being able to identify conflict and deal with it will improve your relationships” (Sole, 2011). Conflicts are expected to ascend in any relationship, but identifying the conflict as it arises and working through it makes the relationship healthier. "We just don 't communicate!" is a common refrain in relationships - too common in fact, because after mental health, effective communication is the second most important ingredient in a healthy relationship“ (Johnson, 2011). There are many strategies and steps to ensure proper interpersonal communication in relationships. Many studies have been performed in reference to the health of those who communicate openly and those who are more regressed. “Socially skilled communicators are assumed to receive a lot of positive reinforcement and to avoid punishing responses from their social environments while those with poor social skills are at risk for a number of psychological and social problems such as depression, loneliness, and social anxiety” (Miczo, Segri & Allspach, 2001.). When engaging in an interpersonal relationship, open and equal communication helps both partners with positive reinforcement and avoids one feeling lonely or depressed. Interpersonal relationships are extremely complex, but without the proper techniques associated with effective communication, the odds are against a relationship being forever lasting. As you two begin your lifelong journey together, remember to be honest with one another, to listen to one another, to talk to one another and try to remember the key points I described for you to help the interpersonal communication between the two of you. I wish you many years of happiness.

Sincerely,
Angela Fox, Ashford University Student

References
Healthy relationships lead to better lives. Teddi Dineley Johnson. The Nation 's Health. Washington: Mar 2011. Vol. 41, Iss. 2; p. 20 (1 page)
Sole, K. (2011). Making connections: understanding interpersonal communication. San Diego, CA: Bridgepoint Education.

Stephenson, K. (2008). Emotional Intelligence in Relationships. Retrieved on June 19, 2011 from http://www.suite101.com/content/emotional-intelligence-in-relationships-a85775.

Relationship between nonverbal sensitivity, encoding, and relational satisfactionNathan Miczo, Chris Segrin, Lisa E Allspach. Communication Reports. Salt Lake City: Winter 2001. Vol. 14, Iss. 1; p. 39 (10 pages).
Logan, M. (1996). Logan Family Counseling, Inc. Retrieved on July 1, 2011 from http://www.askmikethecounselor2.com/emotional-intelligence-components.html.
Borchers, T. (1999). Interpersonal communication: self disclosure. Allyn & Bacon. Retrieved June 30, 2011 from http://www.abacon.com/commstudies/interpersonal/indisclosure.html.

Academic Writing Tips.org. (2011). Interpersonal relationships. Retrieved July 1, 2011 from http://academicwritingtips.org/component/k2/item/1523-interpersonal-relationships.html?tmpl=component&print=1.

References: Healthy relationships lead to better lives. Teddi Dineley Johnson. The Nation 's Health. Washington: Mar 2011. Vol. 41, Iss. 2; p. 20 (1 page) Sole, K. (2011). Making connections: understanding interpersonal communication. San Diego, CA: Bridgepoint Education. Stephenson, K. (2008). Emotional Intelligence in Relationships. Retrieved on June 19, 2011 from http://www.suite101.com/content/emotional-intelligence-in-relationships-a85775. Relationship between nonverbal sensitivity, encoding, and relational satisfactionNathan Miczo, Chris Segrin, Lisa E Allspach. Communication Reports. Salt Lake City: Winter 2001. Vol. 14, Iss. 1; p. 39 (10 pages). Logan, M. (1996). Logan Family Counseling, Inc. Retrieved on July 1, 2011 from http://www.askmikethecounselor2.com/emotional-intelligence-components.html. Borchers, T. (1999). Interpersonal communication: self disclosure. Allyn & Bacon. Retrieved June 30, 2011 from http://www.abacon.com/commstudies/interpersonal/indisclosure.html. Academic Writing Tips.org. (2011). Interpersonal relationships. Retrieved July 1, 2011 from http://academicwritingtips.org/component/k2/item/1523-interpersonal-relationships.html?tmpl=component&print=1.