Interpersonal Communication Advice

Letter of Advice on Interpersonal Communications
COM200 Interpersonal Communication
Mary Ann Witt
March 18, 2014

Letter of Advice on Interpersonal Communications
Dear Jon and Astrid,
Congratulations on your engagement, and the choice to spend your lives together. Thank you for the opportunity to share with both of you the concepts of which I have learned on how to communicate effectively. The choices both of you make now towards communicating effectively will lead to a long and healthy relationship, and by implementing these concepts everyday they can enrich both your personal and professional lives. Interpersonal communications is about humans, and our ability to relate to one another effectively, it is about listening,
and speaking positively, disagreeing constructively, to lift each other up emotionally and embracing each other’s differences, but whether acting as sender or receiver, have the willingness to give feedback to build a healthy open line of communication to last a life time.
Principles and Misconceptions in Effective Interpersonal Communications
Communicating what a person may feel is in itself a misconception, if the receiver does not understand the message heard. Without feedback from those on the receiving end of the message, misunderstandings will occur. Most misunderstandings occur because the sender is unable to convey the message clearly, and concisely causing confusion for the receiver, making it difficult to translate the message correctly. An article written by D. B. Ryan (2010) for LivingStrong, a partner of the Lance Armstrong Foundation for healthy living says, the language of the speaker itself may present a problem in that, it may cause confusion. The tainted message of the sender, colored with personal biases, and personal experiences, can cause the receiver to misunderstand (Ryan, 2010). Sending a message does not always mean that the receiver understands. Many times “Rational messages are often unclear or ambiguous and may require verbal checking” (Sole, 2011, sec. 2.3). Sometimes saying more, is not necessarily better, on which Sole (2011) also states, “Verbal and nonverbal components act like punctuation in a conversation and can often lead to misunderstandings or communication failure” (sec. 2.3).
Communicating effectively provides for individual essentials, helps people learn about themselves, and builds self-esteem and social acceptance. Communicating effectively is necessary in every aspect of the business world, but is essential for building lasting personal relationships. When we think of communications, it is difficult since we have been communicating from birth, to think of our ability to communicate as anything else but simple, and yet communications begins with learning six simple principles for effective communications. First of all Jon and Astrid, communications is representational, meaning as humans we learn to use pictures, objects, and sounds to communicate with others. Humans have always, since the early beginnings of communication, used symbols. Symbols are those things that we use to represent other things. Consider the first thing a young child learns to do, draw. Drawings in the history of early man symbolize things, and their way of life. Symbols today have meaning, but they are not the thing that it symbolizes.
Take for example, the pictures that I have of both my dogs. The symbol here is the picture of my dogs, but it is not my dogs, it is only a symbol used to elicit the emotions I have for them. As both of you think on your life together, you will in no doubt think about having a home. Whether spoken, or nonverbal, your future home together symbolizes something that has meaning. Some symbols we use as humans have more meaning than others do. What is important here to remember is that symbols sometimes, are created randomly, and as Sole (2011) states, “No reason or principle governs why one symbol rather than another is used to describe something” (sec. 1.3). Secondly, words, gestures, and symbols all have meaning, and as humans, we share meaning with other people. One human trait that each of us possess, is the desire to share with other humans. An example of how people share meaning, is the story of the abandoned building a few doors away from where I lived growing up.
A female raccoon and her two young had ventured out in search of food, and I suppose, as a training exercise for her young in survival.
Next to this building, was a large tree with branches that stretched out close to the building, and when returning to their home the mother climbed the tree. The mother reached a large branch then turned around to instruct her two children to follow. First, one followed, but the smaller of the two was so frightened, instead sat motionless on the side of the tree a few feet off the ground. The mother chattered as an attempt to coaxes her young to come, but failed. My mother and I, and our neighbor were so concerned that another animal would find the baby, that our neighbor quickly went up to the baby raccoon, and gently patted the baby on the butt. The baby raccoon more frightened of the man ran up the tree to the mother. The example shows how each of us shared concern. What I have learned in the interpersonal communication class is that words have no meaning, that meaning is an emotion that humans possess. Communicating effectively and reaching a mutual understanding with others is an ongoing process acquired through shared meaning. Communicating is a process, we interconnect with others, we are changed, and this changes relationships and people. In addition, communicating can differ culturally, and will change as people’s environments change, but it is also important to remember, communicating has
purpose.
Barriers to Effective Interpersonal Communication
Listen with discernment. Sometimes what sounds like the easiest thing to do is actually the hardest. New relationships are exciting, learning about this new person in your life, and the possibility of a new love. In the beginning though, each person is cautious, and uncertain of what each should say and not say to each other, but even in established relationships there are barriers that can weaken the structure of relationships. Three problems can arise in a relationship, and stagnate communication. In relationships, emotions can run high when misunderstandings occur. This may cause silence or a refusal to speak. The person on the receiving can get ‘the cold shoulder’ ignored as if he or she is not there. I came across an article just recently called “When Talking Makes Things WORSE!” written by a doctor, mentions that only two percent of Americans think before they respond during an argument, a survey conducted by the National Institute for Dispute Resolution. The doctor also said, “No wonder talking makes things worse” (Stiebel, 1997, p. 1). Listening is crucial to minimizing or eliminating misunderstandings, which take developing skills such as paying attention, giving full eye contact, and not allowing other things to occupy the mind. Although this is good advice, the first barrier is placating. Which simply stated means, keeping silent, or refusing to talk. Often people believe that by not saying anything and letting the other person speak is far better than talking and making matter worse. Sometimes in a heated conversation, the person decides to give ‘the cold shoulder’ and, according to Sole (2011):
When one or both parties in a relationship withdraws and refuses to communicate for a lengthy period of time, how­ever, tension increases, problems remain unresolved, resentments build, and frustration, anger, and increased distance between the parties often result (sec. 9.1).
The second problem happens when a person tries to appease an individual to make the person believe they person are paying attention to them. The article entitled, “Can We Talk? Improving Couples Communication” says, to be a good listener, it requires not only listening, but also interpreting the person’s emotions, their behavior, and then respond with an appropriate answer (Baugh & Humphries, 2001). Thirdly, and this has to be one that all of us have heard, playing games. “A very recognizable game is “See What You Made Me Do” (SWYMD) (Sole, 2011, pg. 200), is a good example of the psychological and dysfunctional mind games that people can play that is in no way constructive in growing a lasting and healthy relationship. According to Psychologist Diana Kirschner (2010), “Men play out unconscious and conscious games which create a maddening push-pull with your heart. That’s why dating and relationships can be so confusing and frustrating” (Kirschner, 2010, para. 3). Perhaps it is the husband or wife who, feeling anything but sociable, just wants others to leave them alone. The mind game played out here is by that person keeping their emotional need for solitude, to themselves instead of sharing this with their significant other. This type of unhealthy psychological mind game can repeat throughout the coming years, and as a result, the person they want to spend time with most, just leaves them alone. Sometimes the person they love most knows all too well they want solitude and disturbs them anyway. People can feel cheated, perhaps time spent with them was sparse, and therefore the quality of the time they had with them is lacking.
The Process by Which Self-Concept is Developed and Maintained
The way a person sees themself is there self-concept, “Your self-concept is learned; it is organized, it is dynamic, and it is changeable” (Sole, 2011, sec. 3.1). In either case, how people see themselves is important. People build this sense of self through intrapersonal communication, which is simply talking to oneself and by communicating with others, but more importantly, how you see yourself, and how others see you. When others judge you, it can be a positive experience, leaving a person with a sense of pride. On the other hand, it also can create a negative and false sense of self. How a person sees himself or herself in the presence of someone better looking or more highly skilled can create within them a low self-image. “Through information you continually receive from the evaluations others make of you and your abilities, you form this mental image of your physical appearance, of your successes and failures, of your adequacy, and of your worth” (Sole, 2011, sec. 3.1). The concepts both of you have of yourselves develop from what you have learned from others.
These are traits and characteristics and even judgments which help define how you see yourself as a person. Self-concept again is changeable, unlike your self-image, which is the mental picture you establish for yourself. Self-image, on the other hand, is your inner view, compiled with others evaluation, your appearance, and intergraded with personal experiences to make the image you have for yourself (Sole, 2011). In other words, in order to have a healthy concept, as individuals, people must look at him, or her positively, have self-esteem, and self-confidence so as not to believe the negative judgments of others. What is important also to remember is self-image is what you ‘tell yourself’ you look like, rather than how you actually look. To develop a healthy self-concept and image begin “by accepting and loving yourself and allowing yourself to be accepted and loved by others” (Sole, 2011, sec. 3.1).
Perceptions, Emotions, and Nonverbal Expression Affect Interpersonal Relationships
There are other forms of communication without the use of words, that people use consistently on a daily basis. The way individuals stand, or move their heads, and eyes, and even listening are forms of communications that can express emotion. There are techniques a person can adapt from, surprisingly, different venues that can help to improve non-verbal communication skills. Designed for theatrical improvisation, a technique called, “full-body listening,” designed to increase individual’s non-verbal skills, consists of, focus and acknowledgment. The first skill, focus, is “about staying in the moment. Consider the conversation and your conversation partner as the most important use of your time right now” (Gesell, 2007, p. 1). If you find that you need to speak to someone, but your mind begins to wander off to other things that need your attention, pull yourself back into the present, the here, and now.
The article “Am I Talking to Me?” discusses how those in improve, visibly discern between the two concepts, focus, and acknowledgement. Although some may not always agree with the idea, they go with it. The method they use, according to the article is called “Yes, and.” While “Yes” acknowledges reality, the word “and” adds to what the person previously said, and helps to move the conversation forward. Not only is this a productive method, but also is a more positive approach than saying “Yes, but” and “This synchronicity of focus and acceptance is what results in full-body listening” (Gesell, 2007, p. 1)Secondly, acknowledgment leads to the connection of those communicating, making each co-creators, and closing the gap between the two communicators. Statistically, according to “A Wink, a Smile, and a Nod” in communicating, words only consists of 14 percent, while seven percent comes from intonation, and lastly, the remaining 79 percent, is all body language. “When you master the art of when to make eye contact or when to touch your face, you’ll be able to get your message across, receive positive feedback, influence situations, and read other people’s emotional currents–even when words aren’t exchanged” (McVey, 2009, p. 2).
Strategies for Managing Interpersonal Conflicts To resolve conflicts, a person must first identify their communication style, of which there are four. The first three described, are those styles which will hinder communication. Passive style, to resolve conflicts, is the individual that will give in when faced with a disagreement, leaving the person to feel “put upon.” Next is aggressive, a style that causes damage to relationships, is one in which the person speaks with a loud and demanding voice, often speaking harshly causing ever-increasing conflicts. Passive aggressive, is a style much similar to passive, in that the person exudes the same ‘just let it go’ behavior, on the outside, but on the inside the person is angry, resentful, and hoard destructive emotions. The style to put into practice, to cultivate a long and healthy relationship is assertive communication style (Sole, 2011). For those who adapt the assertive style of communication, speak clearly, and without hesitation are open, they speak firmly, and are fluent in their speech pattern of conversation (Sole, 2011). Individuals with this style practice good eye contact use facial expressions suitably, and they stand relaxed with confidence, and unafraid. In other words, as individuals with this style they are ‘well balanced.’ In resolving conflicts, an article entitled “Conflict Resolution: What Works?” mentions there are four methods used in resolving conflicts, each with its own benefit.
The first, called forcing, is when an individual acts more of the tough-guy, using superiority, and power to make the other person conform to their decision. The benefit in a more business setting is the problem is gone, but in intimate relationships, it may leave the other person feeling as though their point of view is non-important (Phillips & Cheston, 1979). Another approach to resolution is the joint-resolution. Here Jon and Astrid, as a couple the goal each would have is to share the facts regarding the dispute or disagreement, feelings, and then together find a solution. The other compromise is a give-and-take where both would give up something to bring to the bargaining table, and the benefit here is simple, the compromise itself resolves the problem. Avoidance resolves nothing, but causes each to harbor ill feelings towards the other instead of expressing, and disclosing the problems immediately (Phillips & Cheston, 1979). The only benefit is that the confrontation ends, but ultimately will need attention in the near future. There are no benefits to resolving problems if the solution is avoidance. The only things gained, is resentment, and morose feelings toward each other that may result in the dissolution of the
relationship.
In summary, effective communication requires time, the willingness to open up, and allow another person in to get to know you intimately. Show you care by listening in other ways such as using eye contact, giving attention to body language, hand gestures, and importantly, not allowing your mind to wander to think about other things, but give full attention to the person speaking. Then if by chance you should disagree, share facts with each other and discuss calmly and respectfully until both of you find a solution. Speak openly, and honestly, because as humans, we reach out and connect to others to form bonds and groups, and as relationships form and lives merge, relationships grow into intimacy. Just as communication is part of human intelligence, effectively communicating means practicing concepts that will help bridge your relationship together for a lifetime to form a strong, healthy, interpersonal line of communication.
References
Baugh, E. J., & Humphries, D. (2001, Nov). Can We Talk? Improving Couples ' Communication. Retrieved February 18, 2012, from EDIS-Universisty of Florida IFAS Extension: http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu./fy044
Gesell, I. (2007). Am I Talking to Me? The Power of Internal Dialougue to Help or Hinder Our Full-Body Listening. The Journal for Quality and Participation, 30(3), 22-23.
Kirschner, D. (2010, Feb 19). Aha! Understanding the mind games men play - Relationships. Retrieved Feb 19, 2012, from Today.com: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/35461729/ns/today-relationships/t/aha-understanding-mind-games-men-play/#.T0Es5rS8hUE
McVey, S. (2009, Jan). A Wink, a Smile, and a Nod: Reading body language. Communication Strategies, pp. 1-3.
Phillips, E., & Cheston, R. (1979). Conflict Resolution: What Works? California Management Review, 76.
Ryan, D. B. (2010, Jan. 15). About Barriers To Communication. Retrieved February 17th, 2012, from LIVINGSTRONG.COM: http://www.livestrong.com/article/73440-barriers-communication/
Sole, K. (2011). Making Connections: Understanding Interpersonal Communication. San Diego, CA: Bridgepoint Education, Inc.
Stiebel, D. (1997, April). When talking makes things worse! The Canadian Manager, 22 (1), pp. 17-19.