Nonnormative Events In My Life
My fourth listed life event is the epitome of a nonnormative event, which randomly occurred, and was most likely meant to be harmless. This was a very specific incident that would have lasting consequences on my personality type. When I was 15 years old, and even though I had begun drinking and using drugs, I still maintained a very high level in school. One day, I brought home a test from class in which I scored 100% on and showed it to my father. He looked at it, and handed it back to me, and said, “couldn’t you have gotten any extra credit?” While, as an adult, I believe that it was my dad’s way of saying “wow, good job,” all I heard was that nothing is ever good enough and only perfection is acceptable. In retrospect, this demonstrates
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theory of parenting styles, and the lasting impact they can have on the development of children. There are 4 parenting styles that have been studied: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglecting-uninvolved. In my situation, I would identify my father as an authoritarian parent. The authoritarian parent has been described as being highly demanding, but low in responsiveness or concern for the feelings or emotions of their children. Broderick and Blewitt (2015) stated of authoritarian parents that, “they do not create a positive emotional climate nor encourage individualistic striving or assertiveness,” (p. 181). Additionally, children of authoritarian parents tend to embody poorer self-concepts and struggle with positive identity formation (Milevsky, Schlechter, Netter, & Keehn, 2007). The manifestation of this dynamic was profound for my development. This incident in particular, but also in combination with other examples, increased the setting of unrealistic expectations in my life. No matter what I did or how good I did it, it was never good enough. This led to obsessive exercise and weightlifting routines, as perfectionism creeped into my personal body image. It led to increased personal scrutiny of any academic pursuit or grade I participated in, including this course. It took me a very long time to realize that perfection is impossible, however the pursuit of it had unintended consequences. There was one thing that I found that I was always successful at, and that was getting drunk or high. If I drank or used, I could reach the point the mental state that I desired 100% of the time. This pursuit became my number one obsession, and something I strove for eventually on an everyday basis. It also served as a sort of rebellion to the unattainable goals I felt had been put in place for me by authoritarian figures. When I realized the impossibility of it, I found a way to do something perfectly, that also flew in the face of the people that held me to such high standards. It also further consolidated a “rebel, rule-breaker” identity that I was beginning to form for myself during this time period.
Life Event 5: Incarceration Throughout high school, college, and immediately after college, I was a full blown addict and alcoholic. I drank and used on a daily basis, and it interfered with every aspect of my life. I had settled into essentially living the identity of a the “bad boy,” a combination of heredity, personality types, and self-concept that merged into a persona that I expressed to the outside world. My addiction had taken a hold of me and I was not ready to be grown-up. In my mind, I had been a grown-up at far too early of an age. Mel Levine (as cited in Arnett, 2007) stated about emerging adults that, “starting up into adulthood has never been more daunting than it is at present…The end result is that many seek an extension of their high school and/or college years. They just don’t want to pull away from their teens…The effects on work-life readiness may be catastrophic,” (p. 27). Even though I had a deep sense of the duality of my external and internal identity, I was not ready for change.
The consequences began slowly, small at first; however, they increased rapid and grew exponentially in severity with each additional occurrence. I got into small amounts legal trouble from alcohol related incidents, including public intoxication and disorderly conducts. In 2009, I was arrested for my first DUI, but only received a slap on the wrist and 3 days in jail. However, in 2010, while on probation for my first DUI, I received my second and was sentenced to 2 years in jail. This extended incarceration had a profound impact on my identity and development, as I was privy to a world I had never experienced before, only in movies. Jail has its own set of rules and standards of conduct that is not like anything seen in the outside world. Codes of honor are held the highest regard. Any sign of weakness is met with aggression, and disrespect is met with violence. Isolation and distance from others is prized, and a sign of strength, rather than timidity. While fear is omnipresent, and I lived in a constant state of fight-or-flight alertness, the ability to conceal those feelings were a survival tool. This environment takes a toll on one’s identity and personality. It has been found that when people associate their social environments with negativity, they tend to develop increasing amounts of neurotic personality traits and decreased extraversion characteristics (Sutin, Costa, Wethington, & Eaton, 2010). While jails are supposed to be rehabilitative environments, it did nothing for me but only further exacerbate neurotic tendencies, untrustworthiness of others, and a me-against-the-world mentality. Another aspect of my identity that jail affected the proliferation of my ethical development. In a setting such as a correctional facility, one is faced immersed in a microcosm of individuals from various racial, ethnic, religious, and socioeconomic backgrounds. Individuals have various charges, multiple stories and explanations for why they are in there, and reasons why they are guilty or innocent. Kitchener developed a Theory of Reflective Judgement, or ethical reasoning. Before entering jail, I would have most likely fallen somewhere in the Level 3 area. I understood that there were different possibilities to scenarios, however, that in the end there was one way of doing it. This way of thinking was aided by personal biases. However, after serving some time, and following my release, I began to see and view situations as completely independent and unique in their own right. According to Kitchener’s Theory, I believe to have grown significantly while incarcerated, possibly to a level 6 of reasoning. The ability to hear multiple versions of a similar story shared by many, and evaluate them through feelings and emotions subjectively to that particularly incident, was an identity feature that was strengthened during my jail term (Broderick & Blewitt, 2015).
Life Event 6: Sobriety and Recovery The final life event – and most significant – to my overall personal development is my sobriety and recovery from drug addiction. On April 13, 2013, due to both internal and external motivators, I was able to live my first day clean and sober from any and all mind-altering substances. With sobriety, and a clear mind for the first time since I was essentially about 13 years old, I was faced with the person and identity that the previous life events discussed had formed. In going over this paper, and remembering who I was during those times, it is clear that I was not a very healthy emotional person. As a newly sober individual, I had a highly preoccupied attachment style, with a high anxious coping style. After living a life of daily conflict and excitement, I realized I often sought those experiences out and enjoyed them; without them, I felt bored and unlike myself (Rodriguez & Ritchie, 2009). The reason that sobriety and recovery is the most important life event in regard to identity development is due to the fact that I had to figure out and apply my true identity to my daily life. I realized during this time that the person I had been was the result of many different factors, some of my own doing, and some out of my control. Sutin, Costa, Wethington, and Eaton (2010) found that, “deriving meaning from difficult life experiences has been strongly associated with greater maturity and well-being. In the context of personality traits, deriving such meaning may be associated with positive trait development, such as increases in extraversion and conscientiousness,” (p. 530). Whereas during my incarceration, I had only picked up negative habits, I used sobriety to evaluate all of my life experiences and glean meaning from them to change for the positive. Another key development in my identity was integration of spirituality into my daily life.
Being raised in a non-religious household, my definition of spirituality involved God. That has since changed dramatically. My introduction to spirituality was through the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). Polein and Zemore (2004) noted:
The 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous emphasizes a fellowship of recovering persons where participants help each other in a variety of ways… the twelfth step of AA suggests that when members ‘‘carry the message forward’’ to help other alcoholics, they also strengthen their own recovery (p. 579) Carl Jung, who was an earlier collaborator with the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, believed that “religion and spirituality are expressions of an innate need to find meaning in life, to create a sense of wholeness or completeness, and to connect with something larger than the individual self,” (as cited in Broderick in Blewitt, 2015, p. 534). This belief in something greater than myself was the biggest impetus to development and current identity. No longer do my days consist of figuring out what I can do for myself; instead, they are filled with ways that I can be of service to others. This has dramatically addressed my issues with self-image and concept, and feelings of guilt. It has also given me the ability to communicate with others and have healthy
relationships.
Conclusion
Every day, before it is time for sleep, I conduct a mental inventory of how my day went. Was there anyone I harmed? Is there any amends out there that I need to make as soon as I possibly can? Did I do the best job that I could do today? These questions cut to the core of what it is to be a good human being and live a meaningful, purposeful life. These questions are the foundation of the “who” in the question I posed at the beginning of this paper: “who do you want to be when you group?” This assignment in itself is an extensive inventory of some of the most poignant experiences I have had over the course of my lifetime, which have helped shape who I am today. We all may not be proud of some of the things we have done; I know that I certainly am not. There also may be things that we are ashamed to admit, such as vulnerability, or that we may have a preoccupied attachment style, or that we have faced a developmental crisis. Difficult or not, it is important to evaluate the experiences we have had and how we have grown and developed from them. One of the most important things I learned from doing this assignment is that you can’t move forward if you don’t understand what got you here. These are only 6 of the many experiences that I have had, which have helped shape me into who I am. Luckily, with work, motivation, and a belief that people are capable of change, we do not have to remain stagnant. We always have the ability to grow, as long as our minds are open and we are willing.
theory of parenting styles, and the lasting impact they can have on the development of children. There are 4 parenting styles that have been studied: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglecting-uninvolved. In my situation, I would identify my father as an authoritarian parent. The authoritarian parent has been described as being highly demanding, but low in responsiveness or concern for the feelings or emotions of their children. Broderick and Blewitt (2015) stated of authoritarian parents that, “they do not create a positive emotional climate nor encourage individualistic striving or assertiveness,” (p. 181). Additionally, children of authoritarian parents tend to embody poorer self-concepts and struggle with positive identity formation (Milevsky, Schlechter, Netter, & Keehn, 2007). The manifestation of this dynamic was profound for my development. This incident in particular, but also in combination with other examples, increased the setting of unrealistic expectations in my life. No matter what I did or how good I did it, it was never good enough. This led to obsessive exercise and weightlifting routines, as perfectionism creeped into my personal body image. It led to increased personal scrutiny of any academic pursuit or grade I participated in, including this course. It took me a very long time to realize that perfection is impossible, however the pursuit of it had unintended consequences. There was one thing that I found that I was always successful at, and that was getting drunk or high. If I drank or used, I could reach the point the mental state that I desired 100% of the time. This pursuit became my number one obsession, and something I strove for eventually on an everyday basis. It also served as a sort of rebellion to the unattainable goals I felt had been put in place for me by authoritarian figures. When I realized the impossibility of it, I found a way to do something perfectly, that also flew in the face of the people that held me to such high standards. It also further consolidated a “rebel, rule-breaker” identity that I was beginning to form for myself during this time period.
Life Event 5: Incarceration Throughout high school, college, and immediately after college, I was a full blown addict and alcoholic. I drank and used on a daily basis, and it interfered with every aspect of my life. I had settled into essentially living the identity of a the “bad boy,” a combination of heredity, personality types, and self-concept that merged into a persona that I expressed to the outside world. My addiction had taken a hold of me and I was not ready to be grown-up. In my mind, I had been a grown-up at far too early of an age. Mel Levine (as cited in Arnett, 2007) stated about emerging adults that, “starting up into adulthood has never been more daunting than it is at present…The end result is that many seek an extension of their high school and/or college years. They just don’t want to pull away from their teens…The effects on work-life readiness may be catastrophic,” (p. 27). Even though I had a deep sense of the duality of my external and internal identity, I was not ready for change.
The consequences began slowly, small at first; however, they increased rapid and grew exponentially in severity with each additional occurrence. I got into small amounts legal trouble from alcohol related incidents, including public intoxication and disorderly conducts. In 2009, I was arrested for my first DUI, but only received a slap on the wrist and 3 days in jail. However, in 2010, while on probation for my first DUI, I received my second and was sentenced to 2 years in jail. This extended incarceration had a profound impact on my identity and development, as I was privy to a world I had never experienced before, only in movies. Jail has its own set of rules and standards of conduct that is not like anything seen in the outside world. Codes of honor are held the highest regard. Any sign of weakness is met with aggression, and disrespect is met with violence. Isolation and distance from others is prized, and a sign of strength, rather than timidity. While fear is omnipresent, and I lived in a constant state of fight-or-flight alertness, the ability to conceal those feelings were a survival tool. This environment takes a toll on one’s identity and personality. It has been found that when people associate their social environments with negativity, they tend to develop increasing amounts of neurotic personality traits and decreased extraversion characteristics (Sutin, Costa, Wethington, & Eaton, 2010). While jails are supposed to be rehabilitative environments, it did nothing for me but only further exacerbate neurotic tendencies, untrustworthiness of others, and a me-against-the-world mentality. Another aspect of my identity that jail affected the proliferation of my ethical development. In a setting such as a correctional facility, one is faced immersed in a microcosm of individuals from various racial, ethnic, religious, and socioeconomic backgrounds. Individuals have various charges, multiple stories and explanations for why they are in there, and reasons why they are guilty or innocent. Kitchener developed a Theory of Reflective Judgement, or ethical reasoning. Before entering jail, I would have most likely fallen somewhere in the Level 3 area. I understood that there were different possibilities to scenarios, however, that in the end there was one way of doing it. This way of thinking was aided by personal biases. However, after serving some time, and following my release, I began to see and view situations as completely independent and unique in their own right. According to Kitchener’s Theory, I believe to have grown significantly while incarcerated, possibly to a level 6 of reasoning. The ability to hear multiple versions of a similar story shared by many, and evaluate them through feelings and emotions subjectively to that particularly incident, was an identity feature that was strengthened during my jail term (Broderick & Blewitt, 2015).
Life Event 6: Sobriety and Recovery The final life event – and most significant – to my overall personal development is my sobriety and recovery from drug addiction. On April 13, 2013, due to both internal and external motivators, I was able to live my first day clean and sober from any and all mind-altering substances. With sobriety, and a clear mind for the first time since I was essentially about 13 years old, I was faced with the person and identity that the previous life events discussed had formed. In going over this paper, and remembering who I was during those times, it is clear that I was not a very healthy emotional person. As a newly sober individual, I had a highly preoccupied attachment style, with a high anxious coping style. After living a life of daily conflict and excitement, I realized I often sought those experiences out and enjoyed them; without them, I felt bored and unlike myself (Rodriguez & Ritchie, 2009). The reason that sobriety and recovery is the most important life event in regard to identity development is due to the fact that I had to figure out and apply my true identity to my daily life. I realized during this time that the person I had been was the result of many different factors, some of my own doing, and some out of my control. Sutin, Costa, Wethington, and Eaton (2010) found that, “deriving meaning from difficult life experiences has been strongly associated with greater maturity and well-being. In the context of personality traits, deriving such meaning may be associated with positive trait development, such as increases in extraversion and conscientiousness,” (p. 530). Whereas during my incarceration, I had only picked up negative habits, I used sobriety to evaluate all of my life experiences and glean meaning from them to change for the positive. Another key development in my identity was integration of spirituality into my daily life.
Being raised in a non-religious household, my definition of spirituality involved God. That has since changed dramatically. My introduction to spirituality was through the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). Polein and Zemore (2004) noted:
The 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous emphasizes a fellowship of recovering persons where participants help each other in a variety of ways… the twelfth step of AA suggests that when members ‘‘carry the message forward’’ to help other alcoholics, they also strengthen their own recovery (p. 579) Carl Jung, who was an earlier collaborator with the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, believed that “religion and spirituality are expressions of an innate need to find meaning in life, to create a sense of wholeness or completeness, and to connect with something larger than the individual self,” (as cited in Broderick in Blewitt, 2015, p. 534). This belief in something greater than myself was the biggest impetus to development and current identity. No longer do my days consist of figuring out what I can do for myself; instead, they are filled with ways that I can be of service to others. This has dramatically addressed my issues with self-image and concept, and feelings of guilt. It has also given me the ability to communicate with others and have healthy
relationships.
Conclusion
Every day, before it is time for sleep, I conduct a mental inventory of how my day went. Was there anyone I harmed? Is there any amends out there that I need to make as soon as I possibly can? Did I do the best job that I could do today? These questions cut to the core of what it is to be a good human being and live a meaningful, purposeful life. These questions are the foundation of the “who” in the question I posed at the beginning of this paper: “who do you want to be when you group?” This assignment in itself is an extensive inventory of some of the most poignant experiences I have had over the course of my lifetime, which have helped shape who I am today. We all may not be proud of some of the things we have done; I know that I certainly am not. There also may be things that we are ashamed to admit, such as vulnerability, or that we may have a preoccupied attachment style, or that we have faced a developmental crisis. Difficult or not, it is important to evaluate the experiences we have had and how we have grown and developed from them. One of the most important things I learned from doing this assignment is that you can’t move forward if you don’t understand what got you here. These are only 6 of the many experiences that I have had, which have helped shape me into who I am. Luckily, with work, motivation, and a belief that people are capable of change, we do not have to remain stagnant. We always have the ability to grow, as long as our minds are open and we are willing.