Parenting Styles

As parents know all too well, parenting can be complicated and at times there are no easy answers. As a parent, my actions, attitudes and views come together to affect my children’s mental, social and emotional development. The way in which I parent can be categorized and will most likely yield certain results within my children. Researchers have discovered links between parenting styles and effects. In a study of preschoolers, Diana Baumrind and other researchers identified four parenting styles through naturalistic observation, and interviews. They looked at children who had qualities most of us want in our kids: independence, maturity, self-reliance, self control, friendliness and achievement orientation. Using these desirable traits, the four styles of parenting most likely to achieve or discourage those outcomes were identified. The categories of parenting are the Authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved parenting.
The Authoritarian parent has the “Just do it or else” attitude, the Authoritative parent has “A no means no” stance, the Permissive/Indulgent parent uses a “Do anything you want” style and lastly the uninvolved parent simply neglects their child. An Authoritarian parent is very strict and controlling. They dictate how their child should behave. They also discourage discussion and are demanding. They expect their orders to be obeyed and don’t encourage give and take. They are lacking sensitivity and don’t expect their children to disagree with their actions. Children whose parents are Authoritarian usually avoid trouble but can have low self-esteem and have a high risk of depression. Authoritarian parents expect their children to obey orders without questioning. An example of an Authoritarian parent in action would be the kids are fighting about which TV show to watch. The parent yells and says”That’s enough! No more TV for a week! That’ll teach you kids to get along!” The kids are given no opportunity to solve their problems or learn to cooperate. They may be resentful but will be too scared to express their real feelings.” Another example would be a twelve year old boy wants to rent an R rated DVD that his friends have been talking about. The Authoritarian parent gets mad and tells him he can’t rent DVDs anymore. Usually breaking rules is an invitation to punishment. I was raised with a father who was strict. I remember most of the time I wouldn’t get an answer as to why I couldn’t do something. The silent treatment was enough to let us know that he was saying “NO.” The one thing that has prominently sticks out in my head is the little or lack of showing love. I would be afraid to fall and hurt myself at times because instead of the pat on the shoulder or a kiss on the scratch I would get, “Are you dumb?” or “What’s wrong with you! Can’t you walk right?” It is unfortunate, but I don’t blame him.
The best outcomes are from parents who are Authoritative parents. These parents, without being Authoritarian set clear rules and are firm about discipline without overly harsh punishment. Being a nurturer, consultant and enforcer is this parent’s role. They expect their kids to behave and encourage them to have their own opinion. An Authoritative parent also teaches by example and is a role model for their kids. They are consistent and thoughtful in setting limits. They also explain why rules are set and why it is important to follow them. The most important aspect of this method of parenting is showing kindness, warmth and love. You can never say I love you too much. The child is also given some freedom to make their own mistakes and learn from them. The Authoritative parenting works for me. I wasn’t raised this way, so it has been a learning process for me. I look for a win-win result in all decision making. For example my little girl, who is 7, tells me that this school year she won’t need me to take her to school anymore. She feels that she is old enough to walk to and from school. I like the fact that she is confident enough to do so however there is no hope that I was going to let her. So instead of saying no, I compromised with her and instead of walking her to her class I would just drop her off in front of the school and she could walk to class on her own. That has been working well and it gave her that independent big girl feeling and I still knew she was safe.
The next style of parenting will create a demanding and selfish child. They perform poorly in school and tend to get into trouble at an early age. These parents can also be over protective. This is the indulgent or permissive parent. Children being raised in this style have good self-esteem and better social skills but they are also likely to have behavioral problems. Parents often resort to gift giving and even bribe their kids rather than setting boundaries and expecting obedience. At best, indulgent parents are engaged with their kids. At worst, these parents are non-directive and let the child decide their own activities, within their own time. I saw this type of parenting when I was growing up. My friend who was an only child could get away with murder. We were 13 and she was borrowing the car from her dad because he didn’t feel like driving us to the mall. I remember back then thinking how lucky can a kid be?
The uninvolved parent doesn’t demand much from their child. There is no communication and low responsiveness. These parents provide the child’s basic needs but detach themselves from their life. They may even neglect the needs of their children. Children growing up in this type of parenting style get into trouble early, have low self-esteem, do poorly in school and have a chance of suffering from depression. There is no structure in this style. It’s simply toxic parenting. I unfortunately had to see this type of parenting first hand with family members. It is a sickening and disturbing situation that the kids are born to parents who are uninvolved. After learning about parenting styles on child development, you may wonder why all parents just don't use the authoritative parenting style. After all, this parenting style is the most likely to produce happy, confident and capable children. Parenting styles will always vary. Some potential causes of these differences include culture, personality, family size, parental background, educational level and religion. Most parents are a combination of the four styles. They create their own unique blend of parenting. What I have learned is that there is no” right” or “wrong” parenting style and we all have preconceptions about what we think works best, based on our own experiences and values. I believe it is important that parents educate themselves on parenting.