Relationship Rift Research Paper
Relationships are powerful. Whether they're a positive or negative experience, they have the power to impact us powerfully. And it is indeed when they are at their best or their worst, that we're most affected. When they're just 'blah' we can take 'em or leave 'em!
So in a way, our relationship rifts are very engaging to us. They provide endless fuel for the noisy mind to ruminate, ponder upon, and explore - especially our difficult or toxic relationships, and especially in the wee hours of the morning, when we most need to get our rest.
Nope, the mind says, I've got your bloody attention now and I'm not shutting up!
And then it goes on to share every detail of the dysfunction.
Every sentence uttered between you and the person you've argued …show more content…
with
What they said, and how they said it.
What you said, and how you said it
What they really meant when they said A, B, or C
How much comment A, B, or C hurt you
How guilty you feel about saying what you did/doing what you did
How guilty they should feel about doing what they did/saying what they did
How your little dig and riposte struck home and scored points in the battle.
Etc. etc. etc!
You Know it's true!
In short we think it's our relationship rift that is driving our unhappiness, but actually it's our identification with our mind's games around the relationship rift, that is causing our unhappiness.
Does this mean that we can't be hurt by another's angry words, or difficult behaviour.
Yes, of course we can, in the moment. But if we're no longer in that actual moment, then we're hurting ourselves, by replaying, their or our behaviour or comment, over and over again. Self-building hurt, upon hurt, upon hurt.
So what can we do about it, when a relationship rift is taking its toll?
1. Get Clear: What is this relationship really about? What does it mean to you? What is its significance in your experience? And you may think the answer's obvious, but take the time to see what significance you're placing on the relationship behind the obvious answers.
2. What does this person represent? When a relationship rift goes deep, the 'other' person represents something very familiar to you.The feelings they bring up in you feel very, very, familiar. Finding out what the person represents, is a beautiful way to begin to create space and resolution between you.
3. How does this person respond to your energy? Whether you say a lot or say nothing at all, this person already has a built-in response to your energy. So what are you giving out energetically in relation to this person? Is it an aura of: Defeat? Combat? Frustration? Fear? Cynicism? Insecurity? Find out what you're exuding when you're around
them.
4. How do you respond to this person's latent energy? Again, the same applies. What defensive mechanism, have you got running, based on your past interaction with this being? What are you already expecting to happen between you even before a word's been said? Be very real about this. It's your key to freedom!
5. What most needs to shift within you, in this relationship? Yes within you. Not them. Does it matter too much to you? Are you making them too important to your well-being? Are you using them as a way to beat yourself up? Are you beating them up emotionally speaking, to make yourself feel better?
These insights will help you to create much more space and freedom in and around the relationship. When you have inner answers to the questions above you will feel much more at peace about this relationship, whether you become closer, or not. Whether you have a parting of the ways or not. You will still feel much more peace around it all.
And as for that noisy mind... Again answering the questions above will begin to calm the mind. For when it tries to run rampant again in the middle of the night, you'll be able to say:
"No, not this." This is not who I am, these are only thoughts, designed to keep me locked into a way of viewing my situation that disempowers me.
You'll see. That noisy mind will gratefully be released from its role of saying in its own strange, insecure, but ultimately loving way: Are you going to look at what's really going on here, or not!
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9214895
So in a way, our relationship rifts are very engaging to us. They provide endless fuel for the noisy mind to ruminate, ponder upon, and explore - especially our difficult or toxic relationships, and especially in the wee hours of the morning, when we most need to get our rest.
Nope, the mind says, I've got your bloody attention now and I'm not shutting up!
And then it goes on to share every detail of the dysfunction.
Every sentence uttered between you and the person you've argued …show more content…
with
What they said, and how they said it.
What you said, and how you said it
What they really meant when they said A, B, or C
How much comment A, B, or C hurt you
How guilty you feel about saying what you did/doing what you did
How guilty they should feel about doing what they did/saying what they did
How your little dig and riposte struck home and scored points in the battle.
Etc. etc. etc!
You Know it's true!
In short we think it's our relationship rift that is driving our unhappiness, but actually it's our identification with our mind's games around the relationship rift, that is causing our unhappiness.
Does this mean that we can't be hurt by another's angry words, or difficult behaviour.
Yes, of course we can, in the moment. But if we're no longer in that actual moment, then we're hurting ourselves, by replaying, their or our behaviour or comment, over and over again. Self-building hurt, upon hurt, upon hurt.
So what can we do about it, when a relationship rift is taking its toll?
1. Get Clear: What is this relationship really about? What does it mean to you? What is its significance in your experience? And you may think the answer's obvious, but take the time to see what significance you're placing on the relationship behind the obvious answers.
2. What does this person represent? When a relationship rift goes deep, the 'other' person represents something very familiar to you.The feelings they bring up in you feel very, very, familiar. Finding out what the person represents, is a beautiful way to begin to create space and resolution between you.
3. How does this person respond to your energy? Whether you say a lot or say nothing at all, this person already has a built-in response to your energy. So what are you giving out energetically in relation to this person? Is it an aura of: Defeat? Combat? Frustration? Fear? Cynicism? Insecurity? Find out what you're exuding when you're around
them.
4. How do you respond to this person's latent energy? Again, the same applies. What defensive mechanism, have you got running, based on your past interaction with this being? What are you already expecting to happen between you even before a word's been said? Be very real about this. It's your key to freedom!
5. What most needs to shift within you, in this relationship? Yes within you. Not them. Does it matter too much to you? Are you making them too important to your well-being? Are you using them as a way to beat yourself up? Are you beating them up emotionally speaking, to make yourself feel better?
These insights will help you to create much more space and freedom in and around the relationship. When you have inner answers to the questions above you will feel much more at peace about this relationship, whether you become closer, or not. Whether you have a parting of the ways or not. You will still feel much more peace around it all.
And as for that noisy mind... Again answering the questions above will begin to calm the mind. For when it tries to run rampant again in the middle of the night, you'll be able to say:
"No, not this." This is not who I am, these are only thoughts, designed to keep me locked into a way of viewing my situation that disempowers me.
You'll see. That noisy mind will gratefully be released from its role of saying in its own strange, insecure, but ultimately loving way: Are you going to look at what's really going on here, or not!
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9214895