Satirical Letter

Dear State of Connecticut, I would like to tell you how pleased I am with your school system. I am the parent of Anita Vacation, a Junior at ------- High School in ------port. She comes home every day with a smile on her face, which I can only assume is from her wonderful experience at school. Anita wakes up at three o’clock every morning to go to school. I can only thank you for making the wake up time so early. The dark bags under her eyes allow me to save money in this horrible recession because I no longer have to pay for the eye makeup, which Anita had once worn. The dark bags look like mascara and eyeliner all in one! Now I can buy items with my money that really matter, like stickers for my sticker collection! After seven hours of school, Anita comes home to do her twenty-seven hours of homework that her wonderful teachers have assigned to her. This allows me to make sure that Anita is never going to have friends nor have a boyfriend. This way, she will be able to focus on her studies, get good grades, get into a good college (with a scholarship of course; what parent wants to pay for their child’s college tuition?), get a good job and support her wonderful mother for the rest of her life! Anita’s savings on eye-makeup are not enough to pay for college, but thanks to the load of homework; she will be able to get the scholarship she so badly needs (due to the fact that I am a Cornell Graduate who only makes one million dollars a year). When Anita gets her “10 million-dollars a year job”, she will be so thankful that I sent her to such a wonderful school. Anita will show her gratitude by supporting me for the rest of my life. Thanks to her piles of homework, she will be able to get a wonderful scholarship.
Anita is taking many interesting classes at ---------, such as Science, Math, English and Social Studies. Of course, Anita is going to be a doctor when she gets older but the rest of the classes are helpful too. I figure that if we cram her head with