Sidebottom Alternate Ending

“Don’t just stand there, you piece of rejected scrap. Get inside and please dispense with the gun!” Bulldozer obeyed. He threw the cannon into the dust cloud, killing off a few of the Matgars in the process and, with a leap, threw himself inside. “Right, let's go!” Sidebottom called out. “Sidebottom!” O’Donnell called out. “I’ll fly the ship this time!” “Not on your life!” Sidebottom roared back. “I’m enjoying this!” “It’s our lives you’re enjoying it with!” O’Donnell exclaimed. “Now, let me take control!” “What? And let you have the fun! No way!” Sidebottom roared the Centaur into the sky, away from the now dissipating dust cloud, straightening it out above a splattering of white, wispy cloud. “Sidebottom, I said I would
take over,” O’Donnell snapped. “What? And lose the ship!” Sidebottom retorted, as if O’Donnell was hopeless at flying. O’Donnell gritted his teeth. “May I remind you, you overstated, overvalued refuse bin, I've only just steered a bloody big science vessel through deep space. If I can...” “Is that all you’ve done? Well, well, well,” Sidebottom cut in. “Wonders will never cease.” His voice became deep and dramatic. “Did you have to fly your vessel towards the ground at a frightening rate to save the life of a dear friend and trusted colleague, not known if you would be successful in your courageous, brave, daring, fearless and gallant task? No! You didn’t! And, did you throw your ship deep into a horde of merciless, unforgiving, bolt spitting, deranged, killing machines, not known, Nay! I lie! Not caring what could happen to your own fragile, delicate, untroubled, innocent existence?” “No, I can’t say I have,” O’Donnell replied, with a sheepish tone. “But, I know I need to kill you now.” “I just thank god it's over,” Gibson said, before things got out of hand. “It isn’t over yet,” Sidebottom responded. “I’ve got those three Matgar fighters on my sensors, they’ll be in firing range in five minutes. Wow! It can’t get better than this, can it?” “What? Three Matgar fighters and you’re bloody celebrating,” Forbes snapped. “In case you’ve forgotten, they’ll bloody massacre us, even with those nose cannons you’ve acquired! Come to think of it, where did you find them anyway?” A sparkle emanated from Sidebottom’s eyes. “Oh, did I forget to tell you? I had the ship customised while you were busy wasting your time chin wagging with that idiot, the Great Teacher. If you go to the rear console you’ll find two, red buttons, my idea I must add.” Forbes and Barnes approached the console. “Press one of them,” Sidebottom urged.
Forbes, with trepidation coursing through his veins, pressed one. They both jumped as the console flipped on its head, revealing two smaller consoles, each with a boomerang-shaped control stick with a firing switch on top. Across their white, smooth surfaces, three yellow buttons, each with titles, sat. Under the left one, it read, ‘Only Slightly Cripple.’ Under the middle one, it read, ‘Seriously Cripple.’ It was the last one which astonished them, for under it read the words, ‘Sidebottom’s Revenge.’ “Sidebottom’s Revenge? What does that mean?” Forbes asked. “You’ll find out,” Sidebottom replied. “Now, press one of the white buttons.” Below each set of yellow buttons stood one white button and below that the title, ‘Gunnery Activation.' Barnes pressed it. A sliding door on the outside surface slipped open, followed by a laser cannon rising from beneath the door's former position. Forbes did the same with the equivalent result. “That’s not all,” Sidebottom said, with cockiness. “You mean, there’s more?” O’Donnell asked, astonished. “Much more,” Sidebottom replied. “If you look at the port and starboard consoles, you’ll find six more red buttons. And, it gets
better.” “It gets better?” Barnes asked, stunned. Sidebottom's eyes, now filled with an undiluted rapture, turned to Bulldozer. “Press the button on the right arm of your chair.” Bulldozer looked, on the right arm's front edge a black button sat in a recess. He hovered his finger over it. “Go on,” Sidebottom squealed, his excitement getting the best of him. “You can do it.” A hatchway opened above his head after he pressed it, followed by his seat propelling him upwards on top of a telescopic pole into a large recess. The hatchway closed, concealing Bulldozer from view. Everyone looked on, shocked. “What the hell have you done with Bulldozer?” Forbes asked, aghast. “He’s in the turret,” Sidebottom replied. “In the what?” “I think he means that big dome on top of the ship,” the Captain said.
“He’s inside that big gun?” Woods asked. “Yes,” replied Sidebottom. “How does he get back down?” “He presses the same button,” “Did you tell him that before you launched him?” Forbes asked. “Um, no!” “What?” Forbes cried. But, before he could go any farther, Bulldozer pounded the hatchway. “Get him out of there!” The Captain cried. “Before he wrecks the ship!” Sidebottom spun towards the main console. To the further amazement of everyone on board, two telescopic arms shot out from both sides of his hovering disc, one reaching towards the console. Moments later, an irate Bulldozer reappeared, with eyes as crimson as a burning sun. “Calm yourself,” the Reverend said, as the seat settled. “Please let me kill him,” Bulldozer pleaded. “Just once. I’ll try to put him back together again, I promise.” Further to their amazement, Sidebottom's head and arms disappeared into the disc. The visual image of Bulldozer ripping him apart and what he might look like after Bulldozer tried to put him back together again, did not appeal to him one bit. “You forgot to press the button, you idiot!” His voice echoed from inside the disc. “I told you to press it
again.” “No, you didn’t!” Bulldozer retorted, in a venom ridden voice. “Yes, I did!” He replied, still attempting to pass the blame. “I remember telling you, isn’t that right everyone?” Forbes jumped at the chance. “Nope, I don’t remember you saying anything like it,” he replied. “Does anyone else?” Everyone shook their heads. “Nope, never heard a thing,” IQ said. “Nor me,” the Captain followed. “Same here,” Barnes stated. “Isn’t that three Matgar ships coming towards us?” Woods asked, staring out the back window. “He never said that,” Gibson answered. “No, I know he didn’t, but isn’t that three Matgar ships coming towards us?” “What?” They exclaimed, rushing to the rear window. “My god, she’s right!” O’Donnell cried. “And, they’re coming in fast!” Sidebottom pushed his head and arms out from inside the disc, just as Gibson turned towards him. “Don’t move the ship until they attack,” she ordered. “With luck, they won’t know we’re fully armed. We can surprise them.” “Good idea,” Forbes said. “After that, we'll run.” In a flurry, they raced towards the weapon stations. Bulldozer forgot the business he had with Sidebottom. He sat back in his seat and with the press of the arm button, resumed his place inside the gun turret. Sidebottom spun to face the front console and, with a mixture of rapture, elation and ecstasy, prepared himself for the up and coming battle.