Sound Relationship House Theory By John Gottman
Like hyperactivation and deactivation, emotional and physical withholding can be very damaging to a relationship when it becomes a long-term problem. One of John Gottman’s steps in his Sound Relationship House Theory is to turn towards each other. He uses the example of one person mentioning something outside. The other person either completely ignores the comment, acknowledges it but doesn’t give their full attention, or turns toward their partner completely. If a partner is withholding, they will purposely turn away from their partner, leaving them feeling alone and constantly seeking attention and approval. This is a form of manipulation, since they will always have the upper-hand as long as their partner feels that they are undeserving
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That is, as a result of low levels of intimacy, there is less trust and openness. Alternatively, less trust and openness results in lower levels of intimacy. Therefore, felt security plays an important role in intimacy. When there is less felt security, one or more partners are feeling self conscious and less likely to make themselves more vulnerable to the other person. Thus, they may fear intimacy and as a result desire and crave less intimacy than they normally would. They also fear intimacy and have more self reliant personalities. Attachment anxiety creates a paradox. Many times, people with attachment anxiety desire intimate connections, but are unable to maintain the connections, due to their own behavior. Those who are insecurely attached doubt that others will support and be emotionally available for them. This insecure attachment will result most commonly in the secondary mechanism of deactivation. The anxiety may cause the person to detach, because they are afraid of being dependent and close to someone else. This is the climax of the paradox. Like the situation I described earlier, all of those behaviors exhibited in a pattern will result in relational conflict, which is the opposite of what the person with with attachment anxiety
That is, as a result of low levels of intimacy, there is less trust and openness. Alternatively, less trust and openness results in lower levels of intimacy. Therefore, felt security plays an important role in intimacy. When there is less felt security, one or more partners are feeling self conscious and less likely to make themselves more vulnerable to the other person. Thus, they may fear intimacy and as a result desire and crave less intimacy than they normally would. They also fear intimacy and have more self reliant personalities. Attachment anxiety creates a paradox. Many times, people with attachment anxiety desire intimate connections, but are unable to maintain the connections, due to their own behavior. Those who are insecurely attached doubt that others will support and be emotionally available for them. This insecure attachment will result most commonly in the secondary mechanism of deactivation. The anxiety may cause the person to detach, because they are afraid of being dependent and close to someone else. This is the climax of the paradox. Like the situation I described earlier, all of those behaviors exhibited in a pattern will result in relational conflict, which is the opposite of what the person with with attachment anxiety