Summary: Jebediah Groverweasel
Jebediah Groverweasel was a shrimpy, acne-ridden dork with one dream: to become a sumo wrestler. To realize his ambition, he committed to a strict, relentless eating regimen. He ate bread rolls, hot dogs, cupcakes, pork rinds, small rodents, plastic wrappers, napkins, and staplers. He drank melted ice cream instead of water. He hooked himself to an intravenous food delivery system, which pumped crushed M&M's into his body while he slept. He bribed a Hershey executive into fabricating peanut butter cup suppositories, which he administered with much wincing and cringing. After two years of these fattening grotesqueries, he weighed 742 pounds, which was sufficient for admission into his first competition.
He trembled with excitement as he oiled
his bloated, flabby body and changed into his uniformal loincloth. His dreams were, finally, going to be realized! He pictured hoisting the ostentatiously large, cubic zirconium-laden sumo trophy over his samurai-bunned head, and basking in the audience's glory. He was going to do it– he was going to win! This triumphant vision persisted as the announcer called his name and he bounded into the ring with gusto. It remained even as, four seconds later, he broke through the floor and fell six hundred feet, exploding on the concrete below. At that point, it disappeared.
He trembled with excitement as he oiled
his bloated, flabby body and changed into his uniformal loincloth. His dreams were, finally, going to be realized! He pictured hoisting the ostentatiously large, cubic zirconium-laden sumo trophy over his samurai-bunned head, and basking in the audience's glory. He was going to do it– he was going to win! This triumphant vision persisted as the announcer called his name and he bounded into the ring with gusto. It remained even as, four seconds later, he broke through the floor and fell six hundred feet, exploding on the concrete below. At that point, it disappeared.