Sympathy Monologue

I would like to preface this by saying I am in no way looking for your sympathy, I am writing this to educate you. To show you what it's like because it's not something that is talked about and it's something close to my heart.

I have been lucky in the fact that I have a few people in my life who have gone through similar situations to tell me what is normal and what is not.

As a lot of you already know this time of year is difficult for me. What most of you won't aleady know is that this year is even more difficult.
While everyone is trying to make it the norm to talk about the loss of a child, no one is talking about what happens when you have another.

Mommy guilt. Oh god the mommy guilt. No one could have prepared me for this. You feel guilty that you had another child. You feel guilty that you're happy. Guilty that
Then there's when people ask you how many children you have. Me? I have two. Two beautiful little boys. One is here with me right now and no the other isn't with is father, he's sleeping peacefully and I should be able to talk about it. I shouldn't have to tell you that I only have one child. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to lie about how old my first is or how many children I have. I shouldn't have to BS my way through a conversation because it makes the other person squirm and try and retract their words.

People I am okay talking about the child I lost. I am totally okay if you are curious and want to ask questions. Please ask me questions it helps me move on. I need to talk about my first, I need to talk about the guilt I feel now that I have my second. So do other mothers and fathers who have lost a child. It's part of the grieving process. That child was a huge part of their lives that they don't want to forget. Nor should they have to reword their stories to exclude their lost child from them. Yes people do this to make you more comfortable and they shouldn't have