Analysis of "But What Do You Mean?"
Analysis of “But What Do You Mean?” Deborah Tannen has written several books and many articles on the importance of communications in social and business relationships. In the essay “But What Do You Mean” Deborah focuses on many of the communication rituals found in the work environment and how they’re viewed differently between men and women. Deborah’s views tend to unfairly paint men as the aggressor and women the innocent victims in the workplace. It begs the question, are men just mean and women weak or are they wired to listen and speak this way?
I propose that God has wired man and woman to respond and interpret in this fashion because of their core needs. God’s word tells of this need “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (New International Version, Eph. 5:33). Although the reference is a husband and wife, the core need is that men need to be respected and women need to feel loved. Because these needs are part of our design, they permeate all relationships including children, siblings, friends and even co-workers. Author Emerson Eggerichs stated that “these needs are like air men and women need them to breath” (Eggerichs 53). Deborah characterizes men’s communication style as one-upmanship which I feel is their way to demand respect from their peers, whereas women are more soft-spoken using communications to connect and fulfill their need for love.
During my career I have reported to women managers and managed teams made up of men and women. Until I learned the important truth that men and women were designed to communicate differently, I had always strived to treat them the same. I now strive to understand the person and communicate with a style that is complimentary and easily understood. I have experienced firsthand many of the miscommunication exchanges described. For example, the women on my team have come to me complaining that they are unable to go to
I propose that God has wired man and woman to respond and interpret in this fashion because of their core needs. God’s word tells of this need “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (New International Version, Eph. 5:33). Although the reference is a husband and wife, the core need is that men need to be respected and women need to feel loved. Because these needs are part of our design, they permeate all relationships including children, siblings, friends and even co-workers. Author Emerson Eggerichs stated that “these needs are like air men and women need them to breath” (Eggerichs 53). Deborah characterizes men’s communication style as one-upmanship which I feel is their way to demand respect from their peers, whereas women are more soft-spoken using communications to connect and fulfill their need for love.
During my career I have reported to women managers and managed teams made up of men and women. Until I learned the important truth that men and women were designed to communicate differently, I had always strived to treat them the same. I now strive to understand the person and communicate with a style that is complimentary and easily understood. I have experienced firsthand many of the miscommunication exchanges described. For example, the women on my team have come to me complaining that they are unable to go to
Cited: Eggerichs, E. Love and respect. Nashville, TN: Integrity Publishers. (2005). 53 The One Year Bible: New International Verision. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 2004