Children Of Divorce Research Paper
Children of Divorce
Shawn Bianchi
Devry University
Children of Divorce
Victoria was on the playground at school playing with all her friends, when all of a sudden she saw her dad on the school playground. The only thing she remembers is her dad telling her “Tell your mom I am not coming home tonight”. Victoria sat there stunned and didn’t know how to respond. Her parents eventually did divorce. After they divorced, both parents would bad mouth the other parent in front of her and her brother. Victoria became a messenger which put her in the middle having to choose between parents. She became used to her dad saying he was coming to get her for his visits and then never show up. Due to the high level of conflict that continued between her parents, neither parent was there for the emotional support of her or her brother. Victoria grew up with low self-esteem, difficulty with interpersonal relationships, caught in the middle of her parents as well as the loss of her father being involved in her life.
Stories such as this one are far too common and there are ways that this situation can be avoided. Adults are here to protect our children’s emotional and well-being so that children are less likely to experience this situation when there parent’s decide to divorce. By empowering parents, attorneys and therapists to put children first is not an easy thing to do when emotions are so high in regards to the loss of the family structure. Children such as Victoria should not be placed in the middle of adult issues. They need to feel loved, secured, and safe from both parents in order to lessen the negative impacts they may experience. This will not be an easy …show more content…
process, as divorce is such a life changing event.
The purpose of this proposal on the potential negative impacts is to convince readers that changing educational classes, developing an effective co-parenting plan as well as therapeutic interventions is what is needed to help protect children’s emotional well-being. These plans will help children to feel safe and secure. As a child of divorce as well as a divorced mother of 4 I have a unique way of presenting the potential impacts divorce may have on the children. I will include several sources that will establish my credibility regarding children of divorce in regards to high conflict divorce. The ideas of Johnston (1994), Kelly & Emery (2003), and Armato & Booth (1996), as well as others, who are experts on this topic, will help to establish my credibility.
Divorce is a heartbreaking event that affects not only the parents involved but also the children. This life altering transition impacts all who are involved. Parents may be unable to be a support system to the child due to their own emotional feelings. Children are faced with adult problems and are unable to just be kids. These emotions range from fear, anger and confusion. The negative effects of children of divorce can lead to poor social interaction, poor academic performance and low self-esteem. Depending on the level of conflict between both parents, the parents are more likely to go through mediation and long drawn out court battles. To lessen the potential negative impacts divorce may have on children, lawyers, judicial system, educators and counselors should be integrated into the divorce process as a whole unit to ensure the best interest of the children is what’s important. This will save time, money as well as benefit all who are involved.
Problem Analysis
Unfortunately, divorce has become an American way of life. Divorced moved into mainstream America over the course of three decades and began to stabilize in the 1980’s. The ethical shift began to go from obligation to family to obligation to one’s own happiness. In other words, no longer were the parent’s interest in the children and family; instead individual happiness became the new standard in which marriage was judged, However, the major stakeholders that were overlooked were children. Children whose parents were divorcing suffered the most as a result of the divorce. By staying together for the sake of the children is what shapes a child’s sense of trust and fosters development such as resilience and responsibility, which are essential in today’s society. The key issues of the divorce culture is not what we can do for the “sake of the children” but what are the “parents willing to do for the sake of their own children”? Renewing a social ethic of commitment to children is an urgent goal but it can’t be detached from the realization that the goal is to strengthen the individual ethic of commitment to our children by keeping the family unit together in order to do what is best for the children. (Whitehead, 2013). Preserving the family unit is not what is always in the best interest of the child. Children who consistently witness high conflict marriage, through fighting, sometimes violence, and parental discord tend to display the same negative emotions of children of high conflict divorce. These behaviors have been associated with pain, anger, fear, confusion and low academic scores. (Amato & Booth, 1996). Marital conflict is more of a predictor of how well the children will adjust than the divorce itself.
The ending of a marriage is a very stressful experience on both the children and the parents. Both go through stages of divorce. However, the best indicator of child development and outcomes of divorce is the way the parent adjusts to the divorce. (Johnston, 1994). Parents who become depressed can become very overwhelmed with their own emotional responses that children become the caretaker of the parent. Parents can inadvertently put their emotional needs above their children’s needs as they start to deal with this life changing event. Fathers as well as mothers experience the same anxieties when dealing with this event. Unfortunately the way the father handles the emotional aspect of the divorce is different in the way the mother may react. Fathers tend to withdraw and avoid the matter altogether. Therefore, in order to avoid conflict fathers tend to avoid the other parent which in turn only affects the children. By not having any, if very little contact at all with the father children may display internal behaviors. Internalizing behaviors include sadness, feeling of loss, low self-esteem and potential medical effects.
Figure 1: What Divorce does to Kids, Time Magazine, 2006
Figure 1: Time magazine ran an article in the September, 2016 issue in regards to the effects divorce has on kids.
New Research says the long term damage is worse than you thought. Should unhappy parents stay married for the sake of the children? Source: The impact divorce on children:
www.lib.umn.edu.
Emotions that parents go through are the same as the children, feeling of fear, depression, anxiety and anger. Mothers in high conflict divorce may show signs of depression which leads to less affection toward their children, feelings of withdrawal and over exertion of punishment. Mothers tend to have less income that will result in the possibility of moving. Children may change schools. Lack of a second income may lead to poverty for both mothers and children. Fathers may withdraw, and become less interactive for many different reasons. Studies have shown insecurities of the parents after the divorce are normal behaviors up two to three years after the divorce. If the parents remain in high conflict situations with each other this will linger on longer and the children will be most affected. Parents try to resolve issues by avoiding the other parent, being verbally abusive towards the other parent, the court system, ligation and mediation and finally the degree of the emotional feeling or hostility towards the other parent. The best indicator of child development and outcomes of high conflict divorce is the way the custodial parent adjusts to the divorce. (Johnston, 1994). Unfortunately, this only means parents who are unable to cope with divorce may become very hostile, using verbal accusations of the other parent in front of the children, using the child as the messenger to the other parent. However, this may increase depression and anxiety in the children. (Kelly & Emery, 2003). Coping mechanisms children may use to maintain positive relationships with each parent may be to side with one parent, which could lead to the possibility of losing the affection and support from the other parent. This may result in interpersonal conflicts with the child due to the possibility of losing the affection and support from the other parent. This may cause guilt for both. There are no positive solutions for children caught in the middle of parental conflict. (Amato & Afifi, 2006).
Unfortunately due to the continue rise in divorce along with parental conflict, parental attachment has become a threat to the stability of a child feeling loved by both parents. Children are used to seeing each parent every day and when they are removed from one parent it may change the way they think and feel about the absent parent. According to Kelly & Emery (2003), Between 18% and 25% of children have no contact with their fathers 2-3 years after the divorce (p.354). Factors in regards to this decline may include, fathers not being actively involved with their children during the marriage and becoming distracted with other relationship’s they are currently in. Parents who are in a high conflict divorce have difficulty in coming terms with visitation and put their children needs over their own. Children have a feeling of rejection. Girls are more likely to have internalizing behaviors, such as depression, low self-esteem and poor interpersonal relationships. However, boys are more likely to exhibit external behaviors such as fighting, drugs and alcohol as well as in trouble with the law. Fathers may be excluded in high conflict divorces due to the fact that the mother is angry and will withhold important functions of the children so the father will not attend. This gives the mother the power and the feeling of winning. (Kelly, 2000).
Sandler, Miles, Cookston & Braver researched 182 divorcing families in regards to the effects of children’s relationship. This study addressed two issues, the interrelations between the quality of parenting by the custodial mother and the non-custodial father as well as the interparental conflict which may have potential impact on the children’s well-being after the divorce. The relationship between mother and fathers regarding the warmth and contact were dependent on the internalizing problems that children may experience. High conflict conditions resulted in more internalizing problems of children than children who were in low conflict conditions. This study also concluded that exposure to high conflict conditions may decrease children’s confidence in their relationships with both parents or it may undermine the parents to provide an effective emotional support for their children. (Sandler, Miles, Cookston & Braver, 2008).
Solutions
Divorce represents such a drastic change in the life of children and adults. Parents may not be aware of the impact this life changing event may have on children. The best plan to decrease the emotional anxiety for both children and parents is through parent education, developing appropriate co-parenting skills, as well as therapy for both the children and adults. Children need a sense of belonging and they need to feel they are still loved. Helping kids cope with divorce means providing a sense of stability to their emotional well-being. Gone are the days that children should be seen and not heard. In this instance children very much need to be seen as well as they need to be heard. In giving them this opportunity to express their fears, anxieties, and listening to what they have to say empowers them to feel loved, confident and strong. This can also minimize tension as children learn to cope with the upcoming divorce and new circumstances. Giving them a sense of stability and maintaining a working relationship with the other parent will give children reassurance that they can count on each parent to be there for them especially now. Parents being informed through education, developing appropriate co-parenting skills as s well as professional therapy will teach them how to put the children’s needs first before their own.
Providing parent education, parent and child therapy, as well as co-parenting skills are better solutions than what has been researched, such as court provided mediation, since this may only be a short term resolution. Mediation is a popular tool used to help couples resolve issues such as financial, custody and visitation rights. This process is through a neutral party which aims to create open communication and reduce conflict. (Jolivett, n.d.) The assumption is that the mediator can help deflect the emotional conflicts the divorcing couple faces when terms of the divorce cannot be agreed upon. It empowers parents to make their own decisions and gives them a sense of control over their needs as well as avoids unnecessary court or state interference. Success rates range in reaching agreements between both parties through mediation is between 40% and 70%. However, the failures in regards to mediation have all the characteristics of a high conflict divorce. (Johnston, 1994). Couples, who are ambivalent towards each other in regards to their separation, are only concerned with themselves instead of what is best for their children. Education and parental therapy provides better understanding of feelings of loss and separation so that a compromise can be attained for the best interest of the children.
The first step in helping children to cope with divorce is through education of the parents. Courts are now mandating parenting programs to ensure parents are more aware and responsive to the needs of the children. Children First Program was developed to avoid repeat court appearances and ligation. (Children First Foundation). To better this program, educating parents on how to approach the subject of divorce to their children is essential in laying the foundation of the change in the family structure. Informing children of potential divorce is one of the hardest things a parent faces. However, this step is unavoidable and should be handled with care. Curriculum may include on how to explain to children the divorce is not their fault, they are both loved and to have open communication with their children. Children adjust better if they are given the information that is needed to ensure stability and emotional well-being. To help guide parents on how to help their children through this difficult process incorporating “The Ten Commandments for Divorcing Parents” as seen in figure 2 will help guide parents to be aware of their children’s needs.
16474118829Ten Commandments for Divorcing Parents
Inform the children of the divorce, and explain the reason for the divorce in terms that are appropriated for the ages of the children and are neutral. Both parents should be present, and all children should be told at the same time unless it is impossible.
Reassure the children (especially the younger children) that he divorce is not their fault. Repeat this explanation over and over and over.
Except for cases of abusive, relationships or concerns of immediate safety, inform he children well in advance of anyone moving out of the house.
Clearly inform the children of the expected family structure after the divorce, and who will live where, discuss visitation clearly.
Do not make children be adults.
Do not discuss money
Children need rules, Be consistent in the area even if it is the only are in your entire life that is consistent,
Children must never be forced into taking sides, both parents love them and they can love both parents.
Belittling your ex-spouse should be avoided at all cost
Never, ever put your children in the middle between you and your spouse. They are not buffers or pawns or messengers or prizes to divide like property. They are your children, they are the most precious things in the world to any parent, They are the one best thing that came out of the marriage.
020000Ten Commandments for Divorcing Parents
Inform the children of the divorce, and explain the reason for the divorce in terms that are appropriated for the ages of the children and are neutral. Both parents should be present, and all children should be told at the same time unless it is impossible.
Reassure the children (especially the younger children) that he divorce is not their fault. Repeat this explanation over and over and over.
Except for cases of abusive, relationships or concerns of immediate safety, inform he children well in advance of anyone moving out of the house.
Clearly inform the children of the expected family structure after the divorce, and who will live where, discuss visitation clearly.
Do not make children be adults.
Do not discuss money
Children need rules, Be consistent in the area even if it is the only are in your entire life that is consistent,
Children must never be forced into taking sides, both parents love them and they can love both parents.
Belittling your ex-spouse should be avoided at all cost
Never, ever put your children in the middle between you and your spouse. They are not buffers or pawns or messengers or prizes to divide like property. They are your children, they are the most precious things in the world to any parent, They are the one best thing that came out of the marriage.
Figure 2: By sticking to these simple rules will help guide parents at a time when their own objectivity and emotional instability may be lacking. These Ten Commandments can help all families reduce the confrontations and tensions during this major family transition. Source: Children of Divorce (Bryner, 2000).
Secondly, parents as well as children face the same psychological impacts of a loss. Sadness, withdrawal, depression, anxiety, fear and a loss of control can be seen in both the parents as well as children. Promoting therapeutic interventions by allowing counselors to be a part of the divorce process, will not only help the children but will also influence the way the parents can communicate and help heal in order to be there when their children need them the most. Therapeutic interventions should be aimed at ensuring the parents focus on meeting the needs of their children. Providing the parents with therapy will allow both parents to cope with the loss of their marriage which in turn will allow the parents to be actively engaged. During the divorce process, mothers tend to be sad and depressed and fathers are withdrawn and disengaged. Therapeutic interventions will allow both parents to discuss their issues to a non-partisan individual. This will lead to effective co-parenting and conflict resolution. As well as parents gaining insight into their own feelings allows the parents to be educated as to the effects of maintaining a high conflict relationship which could have negative impacts on the children. (Johnston, 1994). Parents who are offered counseling as part of the divorce process are better adjusted and will be able to develop better coping mechanisms to help themselves as well as the children.
Lastly, having the lawyers seek custody and parenting arrangements will help promote the well-being of the children. Promoting co-parenting is an effective way of decreasing the negative impacts on children. Having an effective parenting plan will ensure both parents are actively involved in the day to day activities of their children. Having parents who are actively involved in homework, running errands, getting ready for school, and just being together in a consistent manner ensures positive reinforcement to their children. (Portnoy, 2008). Consistency is the basis for feeling secure and attached to each parent. Shared residential parenting with both mothers and fathers will only enhance for better emotional, social and psychological outcomes in children. Both parents engaging in school activities such as parent teacher conferences and supporting their children at school events creates a positive emotional effect on the children By having both parents involved and doing it well will only benefit their children.
Benefits
The benefits of ensuring parents are educated prior to divorce, therapeutic interventions between divorcing couples and co-parenting ensures a more effective way for children to cope with a life changing effect. Parents being educated will be allow the parents to present the divorce in an effective communicative way. Most states have adopted parenting classes that parents must take as part of their divorce process. Parenting classes gives them the tools that are needed to put the children’s needs first. Therapeutic interventions will allow both parents and children to express their fears and insecurities. As a result parents as well as children may be able to adjust better and more positively. Having both parents involved ensures positive coping mechanisms, fewer academic problems, as well as structure in their lives. Parents must be able to set aside their own emotions and learn to communicate that is effective when it comes to the children. Being able to use all of these three plans will help alleviate court times, decrease the financial impact, teaching both parents and children effective ways to communicate and develop effective coping mechanisms. Putting children needs first is what is required.
Conclusion
The number of children growing up in divorced families has dramatically increased over the last three decades. The degree of conflict children face, when there world is turned upside down, is dependent on how parents react and adjust to the divorce itself. This is a traumatic event for all involved. Parents’ ongoing commitment to the child’s well-being is a vital integral part in the reducing the stress that child is experiencing. In order to have effective coping mechanisms and adjustment to divorce, both parents and children must have a sense of courage, commitment and dedication. Post-divorce education, family support through psychological intervention and having effective co-parenting skills will only help everyone to overcome this difficult experience.
High conflict divorce helps no one, especially the innocent. When becoming parents the first instinct is anything will be done to protect that child from injury or harm. Why should that change when parents decide they can no longer be married, for whatever reason that may be? Help me to educate the judicial system, lawyers, counselors, and parents who are contemplating divorce on the potential impacts this may have on the major stakeholders, who are the children. Help me to protect these children from further harm. Contact me at 50ssbianchi@divorce.com and join the cause to continue the education of the potential impacts divorce may have on children.
References
Amato, P.R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage & Family, 62(4), 1269-1287.
Amato, P., & Affifi, T. D. (2006). Feeling caught between parents: Adult children’s relations with parents and subjective well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family 68(2), 222-235.
Amato, P., & Booth, A. (1996), A prospective study of divorce and parent-children relationships. Journal of Marriage & Family, 58(2), 356-365.
Bryner, C.L. (2001) Children of divorce. Journal of American Board of Family Practice, 14(3), 201-210.
Children First Foundation, (n.d.) Retrieved from www.children1stfoundation.org.
Johnston, J.R. (1994) High conflict divorce. The future of Children 4(1),165-179. Retrieved from, https://www.princeton.edu/futureofchildren/publications/docs/04_01_09.pdfJolivet, K.R. (2012). The psychological impact of divorce on children: What is a family lawyer to do? American Journal of Family Law, 25(4), 175-183.
Karruuaswamy, N. & Myers-Walls, J, A. (n.d.) The effect of divorce on children: What makes a difference. Retrieved from, https://www.extension.purdue.edu/providerparent/family-child%20relationships/effectdivorce.htmKelly, J.B. (2000). Children’s adjustment in conflicted marriage and divorce: A decade of review of research. Journal of Academy Child Adolescents Psychiatry, 39(8), 963-973.
Kelly, J.B., & Emery, R.E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilence perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352-362.
Portnoy, S. (2008). The psychology of divorce: A Lawyer’s Primer, Part 2: the effects of divorce on children. American Journal of Family Law, 21(4), 126-134.
Sandler, I., Miles, J., Cookston, J., & Braver, S. (2008). Effects of father and mother parenting on children 's mental health in high and low conflict divorces. Family Court Review, 46(2), 282-296.
Whithead, B.D. (2013). The making of a divorce culture. In R. Johnson-Sheehan & C. Paine (Eds), Writing Today (2nd ed.,pp.712-717). Boston, MA: Pearson Education.
Shawn Bianchi
Devry University
Children of Divorce
Victoria was on the playground at school playing with all her friends, when all of a sudden she saw her dad on the school playground. The only thing she remembers is her dad telling her “Tell your mom I am not coming home tonight”. Victoria sat there stunned and didn’t know how to respond. Her parents eventually did divorce. After they divorced, both parents would bad mouth the other parent in front of her and her brother. Victoria became a messenger which put her in the middle having to choose between parents. She became used to her dad saying he was coming to get her for his visits and then never show up. Due to the high level of conflict that continued between her parents, neither parent was there for the emotional support of her or her brother. Victoria grew up with low self-esteem, difficulty with interpersonal relationships, caught in the middle of her parents as well as the loss of her father being involved in her life.
Stories such as this one are far too common and there are ways that this situation can be avoided. Adults are here to protect our children’s emotional and well-being so that children are less likely to experience this situation when there parent’s decide to divorce. By empowering parents, attorneys and therapists to put children first is not an easy thing to do when emotions are so high in regards to the loss of the family structure. Children such as Victoria should not be placed in the middle of adult issues. They need to feel loved, secured, and safe from both parents in order to lessen the negative impacts they may experience. This will not be an easy …show more content…
process, as divorce is such a life changing event.
The purpose of this proposal on the potential negative impacts is to convince readers that changing educational classes, developing an effective co-parenting plan as well as therapeutic interventions is what is needed to help protect children’s emotional well-being. These plans will help children to feel safe and secure. As a child of divorce as well as a divorced mother of 4 I have a unique way of presenting the potential impacts divorce may have on the children. I will include several sources that will establish my credibility regarding children of divorce in regards to high conflict divorce. The ideas of Johnston (1994), Kelly & Emery (2003), and Armato & Booth (1996), as well as others, who are experts on this topic, will help to establish my credibility.
Divorce is a heartbreaking event that affects not only the parents involved but also the children. This life altering transition impacts all who are involved. Parents may be unable to be a support system to the child due to their own emotional feelings. Children are faced with adult problems and are unable to just be kids. These emotions range from fear, anger and confusion. The negative effects of children of divorce can lead to poor social interaction, poor academic performance and low self-esteem. Depending on the level of conflict between both parents, the parents are more likely to go through mediation and long drawn out court battles. To lessen the potential negative impacts divorce may have on children, lawyers, judicial system, educators and counselors should be integrated into the divorce process as a whole unit to ensure the best interest of the children is what’s important. This will save time, money as well as benefit all who are involved.
Problem Analysis
Unfortunately, divorce has become an American way of life. Divorced moved into mainstream America over the course of three decades and began to stabilize in the 1980’s. The ethical shift began to go from obligation to family to obligation to one’s own happiness. In other words, no longer were the parent’s interest in the children and family; instead individual happiness became the new standard in which marriage was judged, However, the major stakeholders that were overlooked were children. Children whose parents were divorcing suffered the most as a result of the divorce. By staying together for the sake of the children is what shapes a child’s sense of trust and fosters development such as resilience and responsibility, which are essential in today’s society. The key issues of the divorce culture is not what we can do for the “sake of the children” but what are the “parents willing to do for the sake of their own children”? Renewing a social ethic of commitment to children is an urgent goal but it can’t be detached from the realization that the goal is to strengthen the individual ethic of commitment to our children by keeping the family unit together in order to do what is best for the children. (Whitehead, 2013). Preserving the family unit is not what is always in the best interest of the child. Children who consistently witness high conflict marriage, through fighting, sometimes violence, and parental discord tend to display the same negative emotions of children of high conflict divorce. These behaviors have been associated with pain, anger, fear, confusion and low academic scores. (Amato & Booth, 1996). Marital conflict is more of a predictor of how well the children will adjust than the divorce itself.
The ending of a marriage is a very stressful experience on both the children and the parents. Both go through stages of divorce. However, the best indicator of child development and outcomes of divorce is the way the parent adjusts to the divorce. (Johnston, 1994). Parents who become depressed can become very overwhelmed with their own emotional responses that children become the caretaker of the parent. Parents can inadvertently put their emotional needs above their children’s needs as they start to deal with this life changing event. Fathers as well as mothers experience the same anxieties when dealing with this event. Unfortunately the way the father handles the emotional aspect of the divorce is different in the way the mother may react. Fathers tend to withdraw and avoid the matter altogether. Therefore, in order to avoid conflict fathers tend to avoid the other parent which in turn only affects the children. By not having any, if very little contact at all with the father children may display internal behaviors. Internalizing behaviors include sadness, feeling of loss, low self-esteem and potential medical effects.
Figure 1: What Divorce does to Kids, Time Magazine, 2006
Figure 1: Time magazine ran an article in the September, 2016 issue in regards to the effects divorce has on kids.
New Research says the long term damage is worse than you thought. Should unhappy parents stay married for the sake of the children? Source: The impact divorce on children:
www.lib.umn.edu.
Emotions that parents go through are the same as the children, feeling of fear, depression, anxiety and anger. Mothers in high conflict divorce may show signs of depression which leads to less affection toward their children, feelings of withdrawal and over exertion of punishment. Mothers tend to have less income that will result in the possibility of moving. Children may change schools. Lack of a second income may lead to poverty for both mothers and children. Fathers may withdraw, and become less interactive for many different reasons. Studies have shown insecurities of the parents after the divorce are normal behaviors up two to three years after the divorce. If the parents remain in high conflict situations with each other this will linger on longer and the children will be most affected. Parents try to resolve issues by avoiding the other parent, being verbally abusive towards the other parent, the court system, ligation and mediation and finally the degree of the emotional feeling or hostility towards the other parent. The best indicator of child development and outcomes of high conflict divorce is the way the custodial parent adjusts to the divorce. (Johnston, 1994). Unfortunately, this only means parents who are unable to cope with divorce may become very hostile, using verbal accusations of the other parent in front of the children, using the child as the messenger to the other parent. However, this may increase depression and anxiety in the children. (Kelly & Emery, 2003). Coping mechanisms children may use to maintain positive relationships with each parent may be to side with one parent, which could lead to the possibility of losing the affection and support from the other parent. This may result in interpersonal conflicts with the child due to the possibility of losing the affection and support from the other parent. This may cause guilt for both. There are no positive solutions for children caught in the middle of parental conflict. (Amato & Afifi, 2006).
Unfortunately due to the continue rise in divorce along with parental conflict, parental attachment has become a threat to the stability of a child feeling loved by both parents. Children are used to seeing each parent every day and when they are removed from one parent it may change the way they think and feel about the absent parent. According to Kelly & Emery (2003), Between 18% and 25% of children have no contact with their fathers 2-3 years after the divorce (p.354). Factors in regards to this decline may include, fathers not being actively involved with their children during the marriage and becoming distracted with other relationship’s they are currently in. Parents who are in a high conflict divorce have difficulty in coming terms with visitation and put their children needs over their own. Children have a feeling of rejection. Girls are more likely to have internalizing behaviors, such as depression, low self-esteem and poor interpersonal relationships. However, boys are more likely to exhibit external behaviors such as fighting, drugs and alcohol as well as in trouble with the law. Fathers may be excluded in high conflict divorces due to the fact that the mother is angry and will withhold important functions of the children so the father will not attend. This gives the mother the power and the feeling of winning. (Kelly, 2000).
Sandler, Miles, Cookston & Braver researched 182 divorcing families in regards to the effects of children’s relationship. This study addressed two issues, the interrelations between the quality of parenting by the custodial mother and the non-custodial father as well as the interparental conflict which may have potential impact on the children’s well-being after the divorce. The relationship between mother and fathers regarding the warmth and contact were dependent on the internalizing problems that children may experience. High conflict conditions resulted in more internalizing problems of children than children who were in low conflict conditions. This study also concluded that exposure to high conflict conditions may decrease children’s confidence in their relationships with both parents or it may undermine the parents to provide an effective emotional support for their children. (Sandler, Miles, Cookston & Braver, 2008).
Solutions
Divorce represents such a drastic change in the life of children and adults. Parents may not be aware of the impact this life changing event may have on children. The best plan to decrease the emotional anxiety for both children and parents is through parent education, developing appropriate co-parenting skills, as well as therapy for both the children and adults. Children need a sense of belonging and they need to feel they are still loved. Helping kids cope with divorce means providing a sense of stability to their emotional well-being. Gone are the days that children should be seen and not heard. In this instance children very much need to be seen as well as they need to be heard. In giving them this opportunity to express their fears, anxieties, and listening to what they have to say empowers them to feel loved, confident and strong. This can also minimize tension as children learn to cope with the upcoming divorce and new circumstances. Giving them a sense of stability and maintaining a working relationship with the other parent will give children reassurance that they can count on each parent to be there for them especially now. Parents being informed through education, developing appropriate co-parenting skills as s well as professional therapy will teach them how to put the children’s needs first before their own.
Providing parent education, parent and child therapy, as well as co-parenting skills are better solutions than what has been researched, such as court provided mediation, since this may only be a short term resolution. Mediation is a popular tool used to help couples resolve issues such as financial, custody and visitation rights. This process is through a neutral party which aims to create open communication and reduce conflict. (Jolivett, n.d.) The assumption is that the mediator can help deflect the emotional conflicts the divorcing couple faces when terms of the divorce cannot be agreed upon. It empowers parents to make their own decisions and gives them a sense of control over their needs as well as avoids unnecessary court or state interference. Success rates range in reaching agreements between both parties through mediation is between 40% and 70%. However, the failures in regards to mediation have all the characteristics of a high conflict divorce. (Johnston, 1994). Couples, who are ambivalent towards each other in regards to their separation, are only concerned with themselves instead of what is best for their children. Education and parental therapy provides better understanding of feelings of loss and separation so that a compromise can be attained for the best interest of the children.
The first step in helping children to cope with divorce is through education of the parents. Courts are now mandating parenting programs to ensure parents are more aware and responsive to the needs of the children. Children First Program was developed to avoid repeat court appearances and ligation. (Children First Foundation). To better this program, educating parents on how to approach the subject of divorce to their children is essential in laying the foundation of the change in the family structure. Informing children of potential divorce is one of the hardest things a parent faces. However, this step is unavoidable and should be handled with care. Curriculum may include on how to explain to children the divorce is not their fault, they are both loved and to have open communication with their children. Children adjust better if they are given the information that is needed to ensure stability and emotional well-being. To help guide parents on how to help their children through this difficult process incorporating “The Ten Commandments for Divorcing Parents” as seen in figure 2 will help guide parents to be aware of their children’s needs.
16474118829Ten Commandments for Divorcing Parents
Inform the children of the divorce, and explain the reason for the divorce in terms that are appropriated for the ages of the children and are neutral. Both parents should be present, and all children should be told at the same time unless it is impossible.
Reassure the children (especially the younger children) that he divorce is not their fault. Repeat this explanation over and over and over.
Except for cases of abusive, relationships or concerns of immediate safety, inform he children well in advance of anyone moving out of the house.
Clearly inform the children of the expected family structure after the divorce, and who will live where, discuss visitation clearly.
Do not make children be adults.
Do not discuss money
Children need rules, Be consistent in the area even if it is the only are in your entire life that is consistent,
Children must never be forced into taking sides, both parents love them and they can love both parents.
Belittling your ex-spouse should be avoided at all cost
Never, ever put your children in the middle between you and your spouse. They are not buffers or pawns or messengers or prizes to divide like property. They are your children, they are the most precious things in the world to any parent, They are the one best thing that came out of the marriage.
020000Ten Commandments for Divorcing Parents
Inform the children of the divorce, and explain the reason for the divorce in terms that are appropriated for the ages of the children and are neutral. Both parents should be present, and all children should be told at the same time unless it is impossible.
Reassure the children (especially the younger children) that he divorce is not their fault. Repeat this explanation over and over and over.
Except for cases of abusive, relationships or concerns of immediate safety, inform he children well in advance of anyone moving out of the house.
Clearly inform the children of the expected family structure after the divorce, and who will live where, discuss visitation clearly.
Do not make children be adults.
Do not discuss money
Children need rules, Be consistent in the area even if it is the only are in your entire life that is consistent,
Children must never be forced into taking sides, both parents love them and they can love both parents.
Belittling your ex-spouse should be avoided at all cost
Never, ever put your children in the middle between you and your spouse. They are not buffers or pawns or messengers or prizes to divide like property. They are your children, they are the most precious things in the world to any parent, They are the one best thing that came out of the marriage.
Figure 2: By sticking to these simple rules will help guide parents at a time when their own objectivity and emotional instability may be lacking. These Ten Commandments can help all families reduce the confrontations and tensions during this major family transition. Source: Children of Divorce (Bryner, 2000).
Secondly, parents as well as children face the same psychological impacts of a loss. Sadness, withdrawal, depression, anxiety, fear and a loss of control can be seen in both the parents as well as children. Promoting therapeutic interventions by allowing counselors to be a part of the divorce process, will not only help the children but will also influence the way the parents can communicate and help heal in order to be there when their children need them the most. Therapeutic interventions should be aimed at ensuring the parents focus on meeting the needs of their children. Providing the parents with therapy will allow both parents to cope with the loss of their marriage which in turn will allow the parents to be actively engaged. During the divorce process, mothers tend to be sad and depressed and fathers are withdrawn and disengaged. Therapeutic interventions will allow both parents to discuss their issues to a non-partisan individual. This will lead to effective co-parenting and conflict resolution. As well as parents gaining insight into their own feelings allows the parents to be educated as to the effects of maintaining a high conflict relationship which could have negative impacts on the children. (Johnston, 1994). Parents who are offered counseling as part of the divorce process are better adjusted and will be able to develop better coping mechanisms to help themselves as well as the children.
Lastly, having the lawyers seek custody and parenting arrangements will help promote the well-being of the children. Promoting co-parenting is an effective way of decreasing the negative impacts on children. Having an effective parenting plan will ensure both parents are actively involved in the day to day activities of their children. Having parents who are actively involved in homework, running errands, getting ready for school, and just being together in a consistent manner ensures positive reinforcement to their children. (Portnoy, 2008). Consistency is the basis for feeling secure and attached to each parent. Shared residential parenting with both mothers and fathers will only enhance for better emotional, social and psychological outcomes in children. Both parents engaging in school activities such as parent teacher conferences and supporting their children at school events creates a positive emotional effect on the children By having both parents involved and doing it well will only benefit their children.
Benefits
The benefits of ensuring parents are educated prior to divorce, therapeutic interventions between divorcing couples and co-parenting ensures a more effective way for children to cope with a life changing effect. Parents being educated will be allow the parents to present the divorce in an effective communicative way. Most states have adopted parenting classes that parents must take as part of their divorce process. Parenting classes gives them the tools that are needed to put the children’s needs first. Therapeutic interventions will allow both parents and children to express their fears and insecurities. As a result parents as well as children may be able to adjust better and more positively. Having both parents involved ensures positive coping mechanisms, fewer academic problems, as well as structure in their lives. Parents must be able to set aside their own emotions and learn to communicate that is effective when it comes to the children. Being able to use all of these three plans will help alleviate court times, decrease the financial impact, teaching both parents and children effective ways to communicate and develop effective coping mechanisms. Putting children needs first is what is required.
Conclusion
The number of children growing up in divorced families has dramatically increased over the last three decades. The degree of conflict children face, when there world is turned upside down, is dependent on how parents react and adjust to the divorce itself. This is a traumatic event for all involved. Parents’ ongoing commitment to the child’s well-being is a vital integral part in the reducing the stress that child is experiencing. In order to have effective coping mechanisms and adjustment to divorce, both parents and children must have a sense of courage, commitment and dedication. Post-divorce education, family support through psychological intervention and having effective co-parenting skills will only help everyone to overcome this difficult experience.
High conflict divorce helps no one, especially the innocent. When becoming parents the first instinct is anything will be done to protect that child from injury or harm. Why should that change when parents decide they can no longer be married, for whatever reason that may be? Help me to educate the judicial system, lawyers, counselors, and parents who are contemplating divorce on the potential impacts this may have on the major stakeholders, who are the children. Help me to protect these children from further harm. Contact me at 50ssbianchi@divorce.com and join the cause to continue the education of the potential impacts divorce may have on children.
References
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Amato, P., & Affifi, T. D. (2006). Feeling caught between parents: Adult children’s relations with parents and subjective well-being. Journal of Marriage and Family 68(2), 222-235.
Amato, P., & Booth, A. (1996), A prospective study of divorce and parent-children relationships. Journal of Marriage & Family, 58(2), 356-365.
Bryner, C.L. (2001) Children of divorce. Journal of American Board of Family Practice, 14(3), 201-210.
Children First Foundation, (n.d.) Retrieved from www.children1stfoundation.org.
Johnston, J.R. (1994) High conflict divorce. The future of Children 4(1),165-179. Retrieved from, https://www.princeton.edu/futureofchildren/publications/docs/04_01_09.pdfJolivet, K.R. (2012). The psychological impact of divorce on children: What is a family lawyer to do? American Journal of Family Law, 25(4), 175-183.
Karruuaswamy, N. & Myers-Walls, J, A. (n.d.) The effect of divorce on children: What makes a difference. Retrieved from, https://www.extension.purdue.edu/providerparent/family-child%20relationships/effectdivorce.htmKelly, J.B. (2000). Children’s adjustment in conflicted marriage and divorce: A decade of review of research. Journal of Academy Child Adolescents Psychiatry, 39(8), 963-973.
Kelly, J.B., & Emery, R.E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilence perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352-362.
Portnoy, S. (2008). The psychology of divorce: A Lawyer’s Primer, Part 2: the effects of divorce on children. American Journal of Family Law, 21(4), 126-134.
Sandler, I., Miles, J., Cookston, J., & Braver, S. (2008). Effects of father and mother parenting on children 's mental health in high and low conflict divorces. Family Court Review, 46(2), 282-296.
Whithead, B.D. (2013). The making of a divorce culture. In R. Johnson-Sheehan & C. Paine (Eds), Writing Today (2nd ed.,pp.712-717). Boston, MA: Pearson Education.