Depression Monologue

I can’t imagine. I just. I don’t want to keep all these thoughts and emotions in and yet I feel as if I have to. It’s my job. A sudden wave hit me, a wave of depression for absolutely no reason at all. And now I’m hurting and the hurt won’t end. Everything triggers a certain memory that just brings me deeper in the hole. And I tell myself to just forget the past and focus on the present but for some reason I can’t. So the only person I can let these emotions out to is myself. My life isn’t bad and yet I feel terrible. If I could just open up ,but that’s not an option.

June 10th and look it’s a girl. I listened and did everything as expected and aimed to please from the start. 5 years old what does that age make you think of? Young and naive?
She had all the love and I had nothing. Then I was hit. Depression. I was only five and already thinking about killing myself. Just wanting to get away from it all.

Help. I would cry myself to sleep. But my calls were not heard. My parents were never home. My mom partying and my dad working. I don’t even remember seeing them until age seven. Where were you Mom? Dad?

I kept telling myself your going to have a good life in the future and every day that goes by I started to doubt that statement. I could not sleep because my mom was partying and the music was so loud. Dad would be so mad mom wouldn’t let us sleep before school and would yell at them to turn it down, but they never did . I would wake up at night and my dad was yelling at my mom because she was cheating on him. Age six my parents were having a fight again.

I remember it so vividly and and yet my sister has no memory of it what so ever. It was in the kitchen, I don’t remember what the fight was about. So much screaming. My mom grabbed a knife and saying she would kill herself. No. Please don’t do this. At that moment I just felt tears streaming down my face as I was yelling at her, ”Mommy please don’t do it!” And she stabbed herself in the arm. I loved her so much. Mom please