Donald Andrew Reiss

Donald Andrew Reiss, my father-in-law, is a 70-year-old retired Physicist, who worked at NASA his entire career. He married later in life and has been married for 19 years to one woman. Before he was married, his impressions were based on his observations of the marriages of his parents and their closest friends. Those impressions were positive, because the relationships he observed were stable and appeared to be happy. In my case there were two big factors that played a part in my negative views towards marriage. My first negative view stems from my parents’ marriage. It was clear growing up that my mother was unhappy. My impression of my father is that he was lazy in his effort towards the relationship. My parents’ divorce conveyed to me
that remaining married despite being unhappy wasn’t required. This has negatively impacted my marriage because it feels tempting to flee at the first sign of unhappiness. My experiences with relationships have also negatively affected my expectations of marriage. As I dated I realized that relationships were not easy. They take work, lots of work to be exact. In fact, I realized the 50/50 relationship for me was a fallacy. It was more like 80/20, and I did the 80. I also began to realize that no matter what you look like, your waist size, or the amount you do for a man, you will likely be cheated on, lied to, and replaced. I believe my thoughts differ from my interviewee because his past experiences of marriage were all positive. Also the generation gap plays a role in our views. He grew up in a time referenced in Coontz and also in Amato et al., where being unmarried was frowned upon. In fact men or women who remained unmarried were thought of as crazy or neurotic.
Donald thought it was important to marry, first, because it’s just what you do, then because most people want companionship and a family of their own. Donald wanted to have a life similar to what his parents had since it provided what appeared to him to be a safe and nurturing environment. He also wanted to have children eventually; because that was part of the family environment he grew up in. He was looking for a spouse who shared these desires, and who had some of the characteristics of his mother, except with a more even temper. Donald’s mother could get pretty mad at times. He was looking for a spouse whose expectations for a husband didn’t exceed his own capabilities; for example, she would be satisfied with whatever financial situation he could provide, and would be satisfied with someone who didn’t necessarily look like a movie star, especially in later years when he would get bald, fat and ugly (his words not mine).
However, Donald wanted his wife to be physically attractive. (Fortunately, he says he got that big-time!) Also, it would have been a plus if she could meet the expectations Donald stated in the previous paragraph. For me, growing up, I wouldn’t have said marriage was all that important. Desired? Yes; but, not nearly as important as having children, being a mother, and carrying on the family name. This was much like the girls Edin and Kefalas interviewed. I carried this mindset all the way up until I got married. I viewed marriage as a sacred thing, something that should not be taken lightly. I could tell by others around me that marriage took a lot of effort and that effort didn’t always lead to happiness. It seemed like the married people around me had more problems and disagreements. To me, being married seemed more like a burden than a blessing. A part of me wanted to be married because I felt that was what everyone strives for at some point in his or her life. However, I really wanted to see if my
marriage would turn out as negative as those I witnessed around me. But more importantly, I wanted to have someone to go through life with. I firmly believe that my husband and I would have gotten married. I’m just not sure if it would have been as soon as it was. The year I said, “I do!” I did for a few reasons. First, I wanted a better relationship with Jesus. I knew I could not do so while still committing the sins he and I were committing. Secondly, the financial situation benefited us both if we were going to live together. He could have moved back home while I stayed in the apartment we shared. However, supporting two households would not have been financially feasible. Lastly, both of our families pressured us to marry because they disapproved but tolerated of premarital cohabitation. As I have aged and am now married (not to the father of my child) I do appreciate the importance of marrying before children. Having a child before marriage and not with your husband limits the bond and freedom a new marriage needs. It instantly becomes the three of you not just the two of you. Donald and I agree and differ in multiple aspects. We agree with the fact that marriage was just the thing you do. I believe this thought was discovered by Coontz in her research to be a common one. Marriage has been around for centuries. It’s only its meanings and looks that change and have changed, but it is also something most have grown up around or have seen. We do differ in the ways our views were shaped, particularly through our upbringing and our experiences. My choice to pick motherhood as important or even more important could be attributed towards my poorer upbringing as outlined by the experiences in Edin and Kefalas.
Donald expected his wife to be much like his mother – neat and clean, a good cook, good with taking care of kids, taking some of the housework burden off of him.
Donald also expected her to be strong, sociable and friendly, and outgoing (since he was not, in general). In reality Vivianne meets most of these expectations. She is a good cook, but since she works now she doesn’t do it all the time. She accumulates lots of stuff; whereas Donald’s mother threw everything out if she could get her hands on it. They share the housework, as he had expected. They share the childcare, although it seems that Donald does most of the day-to-day stuff (driving to & from school and ballet, preparing breakfast, etc.) perhaps, because Donald is retired and Vivianne is now back to work. They don’t do the dancing or play music together, but Vivianne brought Donald closer to Jesus, which Donald feels is more important. He now goes to church with Vivianne regularly. Previously Donald went occasionally when someone invited him, but he never really got into it. I expected my husband to have similar traits of my father. I expected him to be the breadwinner, have a successful career where he would have the opportunities for advancement. I expect that he would get up early and go to work, then come home and help me take care of the kid(s). I expected he would be more involved with child rearing than the average breadwinner male. I thought that he would be very supportive of my dreams and me. I also I
expected him to grill and be able to make a few dishes in the kitchen; but, if he was actually able to cook a full blown on meal that would be a welcomed surprise. I expected him to help me clean, do the things that my father did around the home, take the garbage out, help with yard work, build things, and I also expected him to protect the home like my father did. I believed that my life with my husband would be easy for the most part because we would just know each other so well and we would have the same views on most things that we didn’t argue. Instead we would laugh a lot and have a goofy fun relationship. I wanted my marriage with my husband to feel like two best friends who so happen to be a married, instead of an uncomfortable tiptoe on eggshell relationship. In reality my husband is pretty close to what I was expecting. He has some aspects of my father, I wouldn’t say that the traits that he has of my father are necessary the best ones. But he is similar to my father. He is the breadwinner, he cooks more meals than I do, he cleans 98% of the time, he is very helpful with my daughter, he juggles every aspect of our home life and his crazy work life and he is very supportive of me. There are a few things that I would say are not exactly what I expected. First, he doesn’t have the time to be able to fix things or build things like my father does. Second, is yes, he is the protector of our household, but sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get him up out of bed to go check the house when I hear a noise. Our relationship for the most part is pretty easy going, we are goofy and make each other laugh a lot, but our views on things don’t always match up. He was brought up in a fact based home so debates were common. If he believes he is right then he will talk to you until you believe he is right. I don’t mind a little debate every now and then; but for the most part I just want my views to be heard, acknowledged, and respected despite being different from yours. We are both very strong willed. At some point in our lives growing up we have both needed to prove ourselves. We both like things done our way. Our ways may lead to the same ending, but to us how we get there seems to be more important. For the most part, I would say that I did end up marrying my best friend. Donald and I both wanted our spouses to be like one of our parents. He wanted his future wife to have all the wonderful aspects of his mother and I wanted my future husband to have all the wonderful aspects of my father. I find this Ironic because it is said that a woman will marry a man like her father and a man will marry someone like his mother. Another way that we are alike is that both of our spouses brought us closer to Jesus and neither of us really went to church or had a strong Christian background.
Donald thinks the main reason for having children is to leave something of yourself behind when you depart this world. It’s a kind of vicarious immortality. Also, it’s a chance to influence the character of another person, hopefully in a positive way. Sharing your love for your spouse is also a valid reason. It’s a tangible product of your union with your spouse that will live on (hopefully) after both are gone. I feel like it is a very important to communicate that I do not have a child through marriage. My child is a result of my previous relationship where the pregnancy was unexpected and unwanted at the time. I share similarities with two girls that Edin and Kefalas interviewed. The first girl I can relate to is Antonia, we relate in the aspect of that none of my siblings had children, not even my married older brother. I was 18 and a recent high school graduate. I had no job and neither did he. He had no high school diploma or GED. These facts lead to me being the only one that could get a decent job. Next, the relationship with my child’s father is easily comparable to Jen’s and Rick’s, but with just a few differences, such as our age and how I ended up pregnant. Unlike her I did not know he did not use protection. Another way Jen and I differ is that I ended the relationship with him before my child’s first birthday. I chose to keep my child. I knew by doing so that it would be the hardest thing (I thought at the time) I would go through (staying with him and going through all that I did was actually the hardest thing). I knew that this choice was going to change my life forever. There were many reasons I chose to keep my child. For me abortion was not an option that I was willing to consider. Secondly, since I am a product of adoption I know firsthand what that is like. I just couldn’t stand the idea of carrying a child to full-term and handing him or her over to another family. I didn’t want my child to grow up with unanswered questions or an empty feeling.
I would have to say before I actually got pregnant my reasoning for wanting a child would stem down to most, if not all the reasons that were given by the girls that Edin and Kefalas interviewed. The time in my when I thought I actually wanted a baby was a very dark time for me. I was much like Antonia and Emilio; I wanted a reason to live. I needed a purpose in life and I wanted someone to love me unconditionally. I did not want someone to judge me based on my mistakes. I viewed it as a way for my family and people around me to view me as an adult, but also it was a physical reminder that I needed to grow up. Once I did become pregnant it was no longer acceptable for me to act like an 18-19 year old I now needed to act like an adult. The next time I have a child it will be with my husband. It will be a mutual decision. I feel that will make all the difference. I believe that it will be extremely special for the both of us. It will be special for my husband because it will be his first child. I believe it will be special for me (besides it being a completely different experience) because he will be gifting me with something that personally I feel I was robbed of during my first pregnancy. I want to have children with my husband because I love him so much and want to desperately share this wonderful experience with him. I want to see the look on my husband’s face when we see our child for the first time and as we watch him or her grow up.
All in all, my interviewee Donald and I differ on certain things but agree on others. I believe that this is a combination of our age difference, our upbringing, and our personal experiences with marriage and relationships. I believe the books we have studied this semester have done a great job highlighting how different groups of people understand, and what they expect from relationships. In particular how the shifting views of marriage occurred during the 1950s to the late 90s and early 2000s, a more recent period. These changes are in evidence in the interview with my father-in-law Donald.