Donald Winnicott: Personal Development

Introduction In this paper, I will be discussing how I see my personal development using Donald Winnicott and his object relations view of the mother and child relationship and the “good-enough parent” point-of-view and Heinz Kohut and his analysis of self-psychology and empathy. I will show through examples how I feel that I have developed as an adult through the stages that both of these theorists have discovered. The paper will conclude with a discussion as to how I feel both of these theorists have affected my life in terms of my decision to go into social work.
Donald Winnicot’s Theories Applied to Myself Donald Winnicott had a simple approach, he felt that ultimately the happiness of the human race depended not so much on external
political issues, but on the way that the parents bring up their children (The School of Life, 2014). Winnicott looked especially at the relationship between a child and their mother. “Although Winnicott rendered a heavy burden to mothers in his theoretical formulation of the primacy of the mother as a caregiver, he also coined the term good-enough mother to describe mother as a caregiver with human faults and failings” (Cooper & Grancucci Lesser, 2015, p. 109). I can apply this theory to myself because I am not only a child, but also a mother. Winnicott would say that I have been raised by “good-enough parents” because I have the ability to see my own faults and have learned over time to accept these faults as who I am. He would also say that my parents, in the way that they raised me, gave me “a sound start in ego development by providing ‘ego coverage’” (Cooper et. al, 2015, p. 109) which then helped me to be able to develop further relationships. Accepting your own faults is not an easy task and something that I find that I often have to remind myself often. It is easy for me to get frustrated with things that I feel that I do not do well. I have come to realized that we do indeed learn from our faults, and by understanding where we lack strength, we can grow stronger as a person and a parent. No one is perfect, we can learn from our mistakes to help ourselves move forward when we are faced with new situations in our life. As a mother, I have realized that although my children are born each with their own personalities, their growth and development is also based on their environment and how they are raised. I need to follow the same path that my parents took also by using the “good-enough mother” theory when raising my own children to be able to help them develop their ego. I need to understand that my children also have faults and are still learning and growing. I, therefore, cannot expect perfection from them either; they are fine being good-enough children. They also need to learn through their own experiences and mistakes. As a mom, it is hard to watch them fall, although I know it is what is best from them so they can grow into confident adults. Winnicott says that love is about the surrender of the ego, putting aside one’s own needs and assumptions for the sake of another human being (The School of Life, 2014). I have gone through a lot in my life with myself and my children.
All three of my children have ADD to some extent and through the help of a therapist, I have learned how to help them the best that I can. Often in sessions my therapist would tell me that I am expecting too much of myself. He would tell me that I need to take things one at a time and accept that I was trying my best. He then told me that all I had to do was be a “good-enough mom” not a “super-mom”, and that he felt that I definitely was doing all the things to be a good-enough mom. I took what he said to heart, and at the time, had my own mother there to confirm that I really was doing a great job. I do feel that I also have her and my father to thank for that because my parents never made me feel that I had to be perfect. They always supported me and made me feel that as long as I did the best that I could, that is what mattered. Now, after studying Donald Winnicott, I can understand where my therapist was coming from. I am a “good-enough mom” and for my children, that is exactly what they need for their future
development.
Heinz Kohut’s Theories Applied to Myself Heinz Kohut also has studied the work of the relationship of a child and their mother in his theory of self-psychology. Kohut felt that a person’s sense of self and self-esteem is dependent on the quality of relationships with parental figures (Cooper et. al, 2015). I feel that I am who I am because of how my parents raised me. I have gained confidence in myself from their support. Kohut talks about the three functions of the self-object: mirroring, idealizing, and alter ego. It is through these steps that a child achieves the concept of a healthy self (Cooper et. al, 2015). When I look at each of these areas I can see how I have developed as a person through how my parents raised me. Kohut would say that my parents were successful with mirroring, responding in a positive way to me as an infant, and idealizing, giving me someone to look up to in a postivie way because I have confidence in myself. Kohut says, “ …fullfilling these two functions of mirroring and acting as an object with whom the child can physcially merge will become primary conditions which make it more likely that the child will internalize particular qualities of selfobjects on the road to a mature, healthy interdependence” (Hoyt, 2011, para. ii).
Alter-ego is the sense of sameness that a child develops with their self-object, or parent, that is essential to development and a sense of competence (Cooper et. al, 2015). According to Kohut, the relation that I had with my mother was a twinship that I felt with her as I see so much of her in myself. My mother was an earlychildhood educator and understood the development of chidlren. From a young age I would ask to go to her work with her and help out. I saw the conncection that she had with the chidlren and soon developed that same love and connection with young children myself. For many years I was not sure what I wanted to do after high school, what path would I take? When I finally decided to go into earlychildhood education, everyone in my family, including relatives, said they knew that is where I belonged all along. Over the years, people would tell me that I was just like my mother. These comments boosted my self-esteem and my feelings of ability to suceed in life. Kohut would say that this positive relationship with my mother was what enabled me to develop further positive relationships in my life.
Kohut also believes that empathy and introspection are important for human development. He says that empathy should be looked at as an informer of appropirate action. If you can understand and put yourself into another person’s shoes, then you can use this knowledge for your own purposes such as kindness or even hostility (Lifespan Learning Institute, 2009). My father, who was a psychologist, used to tell me when I was frustrated at the behavior of another person, to ask myself how this person must be feeling in order to be behaving in that mannor. There must be something going on with them that I am missing. In being able to do this, Kohut would say that I am being empathic to that person, and able to put myself in their shoes. I find that this is not always and easy task for me and that often I have to stop myself from making a quick judgement of that person. I do feel that empathy is a strong part of my personality and makes me the person that I am today.
Conclusion
Kohut and Winnicott have theories that support each other as they both look to the parents for the healthy development of the child.
It is easy for me to relate to both of these theorists when looking at my own life, because I believe that my parents did their best is raising me. I feel that I am an empatheic person who helps people be able to see their own strengths and faults. It has taken me a long time to be able to accept my own faults. After working as an earlychildhood educator for over eight years I realized that I wanted more out of my life, I wanted to be able to individually help other people. I took the strengths that I gained from the way that I was raised and went back to school to study social work. My hope and goal is to be able to help other people recognize and see their own faults, not as disabilities but as a means to accepting themselves and therefore boosting their self-esteem. This, I feel, can be done at any age or stage in life. I want to take the strengths that my parents gave me and give back to others. Using the theories of both Winnicott and Kohut, I feel that I can help people look to the relationships in their life for potential strength to increase their self-esteem and well
being.