Em Griffin Making Friends And Making Them Count Chapter Summary
Abstract: In this paper, I will be covering the main points of the book titled, “Making Friends, and Making them Count,” by Em Griffin. I try to thoroughly explain the advice, pointers, and tips that Griffin gives us to guide us to better relationship formation and communication. My opinions of his book will also be present in this paper, as well as a synopsis of the outline and character of the book.
A Synopsis: I found Em Griffin’s book quite fun to read. His comical stories and analogies were really helpful and I was able to understand the concept of communication more thoroughly after reading this book. He explained communication and friendship very well in his book, but also included a little bit of a Christian standpoint. Something …show more content…
I loved about this book were the comics and drawings that were present every couple pages or so. They really keep you entertained and on track with your reading, and a lot of them are really hilarious!
In the last eight weeks, we have learned that interpersonal communication is a process. Griffin begins his book with this and tries to use different sports and games to show what communication IS and what it is NOT. Bowling was the first sport used, but explained that bowling is a one man operation. Ping-pong, another analogy used, showed that communication between two people can go back and forth. Sometimes it’s a hit or miss situation, but that is okay! You can start all over again and keep going. A third sport used as a comparison to communication, was charades. Charades is a guessing game, and when we communicate with our friends, we don’t want to have to guess. If so, we are left to guess at snippets of images, words, phrases, and expressions.
Again, communication is a process. Processes usually take several steps. In Griffin’s book, he explains “ten steps” or, the “rules of interpersonal communication.” These steps/rules are: 1. Interpersonal communication is a process. 2. Interpersonal communication starts with self. 3. The chances for effective communication increase as people become aware of their motives for getting together. 4. People communicate to reduce uncertainty. 5. Words do not mean thing- people mean things. 6. You cannot not communicate. 7. Without identification there is no communication. 8. To reveal oneself opening and honestly takes the rawest kind of courage. 9. Communication is irreversible and unrepeatable. 10. Communication = content + relationship.
Griffin takes these steps and divides them into each chapter so that he may go over them more carefully. The first chapter introduces the analogies we previously went over, and then introduces these steps. Griffin built his book around three individual parts, “Understanding me,” “Understanding thee,” and “Understanding we.” Griffin states that he did this so he can build a “one on one” relationship with us, the readers.
To be able to communicate with others, you must have a proper self-image. Griffin asks you to take a look at your self-concept in chapter two. He asks you to do an activity called, “Who am I?” In this activity, you will number the page 1-15 and complete this sentence 15 times, “I am…” This should help you figure out who you are, or give you a sense of identity. In Griffin’s book, identity is “the mind’s-eye picture we have of ourselves” (Griffin, PP31, 1987). Doing that activity may help you feel more positive about your identity versus negative. “Our self-concept is made up of our identity – the picture we have of ourselves, plus our self-esteem – how we feel about the images in that picture” (Griffin, PP40, 1987). He explains that identity is not carved in stone, and your identity is likely to change several times in your life.
Griffin shares that if you are feeling down and your self-worth is not up to par, you need to do something about it!
Toss yourself into a meaningful cause, surround yourself with people who make you feel good, and even seek professional counseling. Also, try not to take yourself too seriously! Maybe change the way you look, practice assertiveness, and most important, know thyself!
In chapter three, Griffin explains that as people, we need to be motivated. We have the need for achievement, affiliation, and for power. Griffin says that motivation gives a person power. Now, he firmly stresses that “power” is not a dirty word. God gave us the desire to want to be powerful. His quote, “The best pastors often have a high need for power,” says it all!
Chapter four is about perception, which is not just observing other people. It is drawing inferences, making judgments, and making conclusions, too. He explains through personal experience and expertise how we perceive others, and offers us a perceptual guide called the “Kluckholn’s table of values.” In the table of values, it shows different values that are held by different cultures. There are three positions in five areas: View of human nature, relationship of man to God/nature, sense of time, type of activity, and structure of social relationships. There are so many differences between cultures, and this table is a great reference when communicating and perceiving the values of …show more content…
others.
Jumping ahead to chapter six, Griffin writes about the topic of how “we cannot not communicate.” Even when we are not verbally communicating, speaking for example, we are communicating in other ways. Body language, facial displays, eye behavior, appearance, use of space, touch, voice, and smell are all ways that we communicate with people without talking. It is very easy to tell how a person is feeling just by looking at their facial display. You can easily see if a person is happy, sad, shocked, surprised, or disgusted.
Why do people like each other? Griffin explains this in the next chapter. People look at situations such as, “am I going to click with this person?” They also look at the personality and response of the other person. Other questions that one might ask when looking to start a relationship with another person are: “Is there a physical attraction?” “Is the person competent?” and “What similarities do we have?”
In our friendships, being open and honest is best. Griffin shares some deep personal thoughts about his life and how he realized that friends are really just family members. Trust is also extremely important in relationships. “Trust is a general expectation that the promises of other individuals with regard to the future can be relied on” (Griffin, PP 170, 1987). Griffin also states that if we trust others, they will be trustworthy, but if you doubt people your doubts will probably be true.
Creating an intimate relationship takes time. Intimacy in a relationship is not instant. Griffin shares with us ten stages of intimacy. These steps are the life cycle of an intimate relationship. The first five stages are of heightened involvement. They are:
1. Initiating
2. Experimenting
3. Intensifying
4. Integrating
5. Bonding
The last five are waypoints towards disengagement. Those steps are:
6. Differentiating
7. Circumscribing
8. Stagnating
9. Avoiding
10. Terminating “Most relationships never get past the experimenting level, so phases 3 to 7 don’t apply. The acquaintance goes from initiating to experimenting and then directly to stagnating, avoiding and terminating” (Griffin, PP183, 1987). In chapter nine, Griffin discusses accountability and forgiveness. To make sure that you are appropriately intervening in something, you should follow some guidelines. You should win the right to be heard, contract for negative feedback, prevent gross evil, confront in private, and ask, don’t announce. “Accountability and forgiveness go hand in hand” (Griffin, PP 193, 1987). He uses the testimony of a friend to say that if you do not forgive others, you will poison your life. It really is better to just forgive and forget. I have highlighted many of the main topics and topics that stood out to me the most from this book. After reading “Making Friends, and Making them Count,” I have learned that there is much more involved in a friendship than just knowing someone pretty well. Griffin did a wonderful job at discussing the ways that communication is present and important in relationships.
Critical Analysis:
Although the book had a lot of information, it has me begging for a little more. Overall, I think that Em Griffin did a great job at guiding the readers towards better relationship formation and communication. His colorful, and sometimes funny, use of analogies and illustrations were so helpful and make it very easy to understand everything. You can read the book and agree or disagree with what he is saying very easily because he uses everyday examples and personal stories.
One thing that I must say about the book is that there was not much said about maintaining friendships, what it takes to have a friendship, etc. I feel like the whole book is only about the communication aspect of a friendship. I do understand that this is a communications class, but the title of the book is a little misleading. I thought there would be more information about making friends and creating lasting relationships. I do not believe that Griffin ever mentioned the true meaning of a friendship. He said that his friends were like family, but that is his personal opinion after he told a story about his self, so friends may not be like family to all people.
Although the book will be helpful to many, and maybe even me, I think that it had too many lists and rules for things. It sounded a little like this at times: “Do this, and do this, but make sure you don’t do that!” I think that it is better for people to learn on their own how to communicate and make friends. It is part of life! His ideas and tips sound like good ideas and I am sure that they would work great for everyone who reads his book. I personally think that no one really needs a book, or tips to start a conversation with someone. I have never had a hard time making friends, so I am only saying this from my own standpoint. To make friends, it just takes time, patience, trust, honesty, and a little common sense. Faith helps too!
Griffin did supply his readers with some great information. I think the information about perceiving people was important. His personal story traveling to the Philippine Islands really helped me to understand the concept. I think without his personal stories on some subjects, I might have been lost, especially when looking at the Kluckholn table of values (which I found very interesting as well).
One thing that I did not know about were the different stages of a relationship. I did not even know there were “stages” at all. I just thought you knew someone, or you didn’t. Of course I thought there were types of friends, such as acquaintances, new friends, and best friends, but I had never thought about stages within a friendship. After seeing the chart, I can think of past and present relationships and see where we are on that chart. The different stages make perfect sense.
I think that the first three chapters of the book are the most important. I think my most favorite section of the book was on motivation. I agree with Griffin on the topic of motivation very much. You need motivation, everyone does. A person craves love, achievement, and power, but to get to those things, we need to be motivated. I’d like to add to that, that our friends are great motivational tools. Whenever I need to reach a goal and need some motivation to reach it, I turn to my friends. They motivate me and pump me up so that I can reach those goals. It’s a perk of friendship! I wish some information like that was in the book.
To conclude my thoughts, I think that Em Griffin’s book was pretty good overall. He had some great tips and I can see how the book would be helpful to someone who needs help in making friends and learning how to communicate with them. It is probably not a book I would personally chose to read on my own, but I think it was a great read!
Prospectus for Growth:
Like I said in my analysis, I don’t feel like I need a book to tell me how to communicate with others.
I feel like I have been doing a very good job meeting, creating, and keeping friends. I think that may have to do with the fact that my husband is in the military and I have to meet new friends all the time (although, now I have friends all over the country, and they are absolutely amazing)! I do think that the book had some great points, though, one being about self-worth and identity. It is hard sometimes keeping up with all of the lifestyle changes in life, so that part of the book gave me some relief. Identity is not written in stone!
Another thing that I want to pay more attention to in my life is the identity of others. I want to get to know the identity of people I see all the time. For example, the ladies at the post office, the grocers at the grocery store I go to all the time, and the mailman. Not only will building a relationship with these people be simple and easy, it will be pleasurable!
One more thing I can implement in my life is to realize when other people are communicating with me in non-verbal ways. I sometimes do not pay attention to the non-verbal communication. It is mostly because I am just a fast paced person. I need to learn to slow down and interpret non-verbal communication. I might be missing a lot! This book did help me to learn how to read and understand facial expressions more accurately, and it also described all of the other non-verbal
way to communicate more thoroughly.
REFERENCE PAGE
Griffin, E. (1987). Making friends & making them count. Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press.
A Synopsis: I found Em Griffin’s book quite fun to read. His comical stories and analogies were really helpful and I was able to understand the concept of communication more thoroughly after reading this book. He explained communication and friendship very well in his book, but also included a little bit of a Christian standpoint. Something …show more content…
I loved about this book were the comics and drawings that were present every couple pages or so. They really keep you entertained and on track with your reading, and a lot of them are really hilarious!
In the last eight weeks, we have learned that interpersonal communication is a process. Griffin begins his book with this and tries to use different sports and games to show what communication IS and what it is NOT. Bowling was the first sport used, but explained that bowling is a one man operation. Ping-pong, another analogy used, showed that communication between two people can go back and forth. Sometimes it’s a hit or miss situation, but that is okay! You can start all over again and keep going. A third sport used as a comparison to communication, was charades. Charades is a guessing game, and when we communicate with our friends, we don’t want to have to guess. If so, we are left to guess at snippets of images, words, phrases, and expressions.
Again, communication is a process. Processes usually take several steps. In Griffin’s book, he explains “ten steps” or, the “rules of interpersonal communication.” These steps/rules are: 1. Interpersonal communication is a process. 2. Interpersonal communication starts with self. 3. The chances for effective communication increase as people become aware of their motives for getting together. 4. People communicate to reduce uncertainty. 5. Words do not mean thing- people mean things. 6. You cannot not communicate. 7. Without identification there is no communication. 8. To reveal oneself opening and honestly takes the rawest kind of courage. 9. Communication is irreversible and unrepeatable. 10. Communication = content + relationship.
Griffin takes these steps and divides them into each chapter so that he may go over them more carefully. The first chapter introduces the analogies we previously went over, and then introduces these steps. Griffin built his book around three individual parts, “Understanding me,” “Understanding thee,” and “Understanding we.” Griffin states that he did this so he can build a “one on one” relationship with us, the readers.
To be able to communicate with others, you must have a proper self-image. Griffin asks you to take a look at your self-concept in chapter two. He asks you to do an activity called, “Who am I?” In this activity, you will number the page 1-15 and complete this sentence 15 times, “I am…” This should help you figure out who you are, or give you a sense of identity. In Griffin’s book, identity is “the mind’s-eye picture we have of ourselves” (Griffin, PP31, 1987). Doing that activity may help you feel more positive about your identity versus negative. “Our self-concept is made up of our identity – the picture we have of ourselves, plus our self-esteem – how we feel about the images in that picture” (Griffin, PP40, 1987). He explains that identity is not carved in stone, and your identity is likely to change several times in your life.
Griffin shares that if you are feeling down and your self-worth is not up to par, you need to do something about it!
Toss yourself into a meaningful cause, surround yourself with people who make you feel good, and even seek professional counseling. Also, try not to take yourself too seriously! Maybe change the way you look, practice assertiveness, and most important, know thyself!
In chapter three, Griffin explains that as people, we need to be motivated. We have the need for achievement, affiliation, and for power. Griffin says that motivation gives a person power. Now, he firmly stresses that “power” is not a dirty word. God gave us the desire to want to be powerful. His quote, “The best pastors often have a high need for power,” says it all!
Chapter four is about perception, which is not just observing other people. It is drawing inferences, making judgments, and making conclusions, too. He explains through personal experience and expertise how we perceive others, and offers us a perceptual guide called the “Kluckholn’s table of values.” In the table of values, it shows different values that are held by different cultures. There are three positions in five areas: View of human nature, relationship of man to God/nature, sense of time, type of activity, and structure of social relationships. There are so many differences between cultures, and this table is a great reference when communicating and perceiving the values of …show more content…
others.
Jumping ahead to chapter six, Griffin writes about the topic of how “we cannot not communicate.” Even when we are not verbally communicating, speaking for example, we are communicating in other ways. Body language, facial displays, eye behavior, appearance, use of space, touch, voice, and smell are all ways that we communicate with people without talking. It is very easy to tell how a person is feeling just by looking at their facial display. You can easily see if a person is happy, sad, shocked, surprised, or disgusted.
Why do people like each other? Griffin explains this in the next chapter. People look at situations such as, “am I going to click with this person?” They also look at the personality and response of the other person. Other questions that one might ask when looking to start a relationship with another person are: “Is there a physical attraction?” “Is the person competent?” and “What similarities do we have?”
In our friendships, being open and honest is best. Griffin shares some deep personal thoughts about his life and how he realized that friends are really just family members. Trust is also extremely important in relationships. “Trust is a general expectation that the promises of other individuals with regard to the future can be relied on” (Griffin, PP 170, 1987). Griffin also states that if we trust others, they will be trustworthy, but if you doubt people your doubts will probably be true.
Creating an intimate relationship takes time. Intimacy in a relationship is not instant. Griffin shares with us ten stages of intimacy. These steps are the life cycle of an intimate relationship. The first five stages are of heightened involvement. They are:
1. Initiating
2. Experimenting
3. Intensifying
4. Integrating
5. Bonding
The last five are waypoints towards disengagement. Those steps are:
6. Differentiating
7. Circumscribing
8. Stagnating
9. Avoiding
10. Terminating “Most relationships never get past the experimenting level, so phases 3 to 7 don’t apply. The acquaintance goes from initiating to experimenting and then directly to stagnating, avoiding and terminating” (Griffin, PP183, 1987). In chapter nine, Griffin discusses accountability and forgiveness. To make sure that you are appropriately intervening in something, you should follow some guidelines. You should win the right to be heard, contract for negative feedback, prevent gross evil, confront in private, and ask, don’t announce. “Accountability and forgiveness go hand in hand” (Griffin, PP 193, 1987). He uses the testimony of a friend to say that if you do not forgive others, you will poison your life. It really is better to just forgive and forget. I have highlighted many of the main topics and topics that stood out to me the most from this book. After reading “Making Friends, and Making them Count,” I have learned that there is much more involved in a friendship than just knowing someone pretty well. Griffin did a wonderful job at discussing the ways that communication is present and important in relationships.
Critical Analysis:
Although the book had a lot of information, it has me begging for a little more. Overall, I think that Em Griffin did a great job at guiding the readers towards better relationship formation and communication. His colorful, and sometimes funny, use of analogies and illustrations were so helpful and make it very easy to understand everything. You can read the book and agree or disagree with what he is saying very easily because he uses everyday examples and personal stories.
One thing that I must say about the book is that there was not much said about maintaining friendships, what it takes to have a friendship, etc. I feel like the whole book is only about the communication aspect of a friendship. I do understand that this is a communications class, but the title of the book is a little misleading. I thought there would be more information about making friends and creating lasting relationships. I do not believe that Griffin ever mentioned the true meaning of a friendship. He said that his friends were like family, but that is his personal opinion after he told a story about his self, so friends may not be like family to all people.
Although the book will be helpful to many, and maybe even me, I think that it had too many lists and rules for things. It sounded a little like this at times: “Do this, and do this, but make sure you don’t do that!” I think that it is better for people to learn on their own how to communicate and make friends. It is part of life! His ideas and tips sound like good ideas and I am sure that they would work great for everyone who reads his book. I personally think that no one really needs a book, or tips to start a conversation with someone. I have never had a hard time making friends, so I am only saying this from my own standpoint. To make friends, it just takes time, patience, trust, honesty, and a little common sense. Faith helps too!
Griffin did supply his readers with some great information. I think the information about perceiving people was important. His personal story traveling to the Philippine Islands really helped me to understand the concept. I think without his personal stories on some subjects, I might have been lost, especially when looking at the Kluckholn table of values (which I found very interesting as well).
One thing that I did not know about were the different stages of a relationship. I did not even know there were “stages” at all. I just thought you knew someone, or you didn’t. Of course I thought there were types of friends, such as acquaintances, new friends, and best friends, but I had never thought about stages within a friendship. After seeing the chart, I can think of past and present relationships and see where we are on that chart. The different stages make perfect sense.
I think that the first three chapters of the book are the most important. I think my most favorite section of the book was on motivation. I agree with Griffin on the topic of motivation very much. You need motivation, everyone does. A person craves love, achievement, and power, but to get to those things, we need to be motivated. I’d like to add to that, that our friends are great motivational tools. Whenever I need to reach a goal and need some motivation to reach it, I turn to my friends. They motivate me and pump me up so that I can reach those goals. It’s a perk of friendship! I wish some information like that was in the book.
To conclude my thoughts, I think that Em Griffin’s book was pretty good overall. He had some great tips and I can see how the book would be helpful to someone who needs help in making friends and learning how to communicate with them. It is probably not a book I would personally chose to read on my own, but I think it was a great read!
Prospectus for Growth:
Like I said in my analysis, I don’t feel like I need a book to tell me how to communicate with others.
I feel like I have been doing a very good job meeting, creating, and keeping friends. I think that may have to do with the fact that my husband is in the military and I have to meet new friends all the time (although, now I have friends all over the country, and they are absolutely amazing)! I do think that the book had some great points, though, one being about self-worth and identity. It is hard sometimes keeping up with all of the lifestyle changes in life, so that part of the book gave me some relief. Identity is not written in stone!
Another thing that I want to pay more attention to in my life is the identity of others. I want to get to know the identity of people I see all the time. For example, the ladies at the post office, the grocers at the grocery store I go to all the time, and the mailman. Not only will building a relationship with these people be simple and easy, it will be pleasurable!
One more thing I can implement in my life is to realize when other people are communicating with me in non-verbal ways. I sometimes do not pay attention to the non-verbal communication. It is mostly because I am just a fast paced person. I need to learn to slow down and interpret non-verbal communication. I might be missing a lot! This book did help me to learn how to read and understand facial expressions more accurately, and it also described all of the other non-verbal
way to communicate more thoroughly.
REFERENCE PAGE
Griffin, E. (1987). Making friends & making them count. Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press.