Ernest Becker's Denial Of Death

Santasha Bledsoe
November 23, 2014
PSY-100
Lauren Kelley

There are many uncertainties in the world. You have an idea what tomorrow will bring, but the events of that day or the days to follow that for the most part are uncertain. One thing that is certain is that someday, one day, eventually, you or someone you know will die. Death is undefeated when facing us living creatures. Yes, we are all going to die. We know this yet we still refused to believe that we will die and get angry when at such an unfair set up. Get to have this much fun or experience all this just to end? How fair is that? Psychiatrist Elisath Kubler-Ross while working with her terminally ill cancer patients, discovered a pattern of grief, which now is known as
the “Five Stages of Grief”. The first one is Denial. As I mentioned before, as we grow older at some point in our lives it begins to shock us that one day we may day. Then when faced with such obvious reality we start to deny such events could happen. We would say things like, “this can’t be real,” or “this has to be a mistake”. “It can feel as though you are experiencing a bad dream and you are waiting to “wake up,” expecting things to be normal and that your diagnosis is a mistake (Patricelli 2007). A huge reason for our denial is that we are not born with the notion or the idea of death.
In Ernest Becker’s book, The Denial of Death he explains that fear of dying starts in a child between the ages of three and five. A child’s brain isn’t able to grasp something as abstract as not existing anymore because it is constantly surrounded by living things that respond to their every need. Only as time goes on does the child realize that some things tend to not exist and some tend to not exist forever at about the age of nine or ten (Becker 1973). We are in denial for the most part because the fear or not existing, isn’t constantly in our subconscious. If it were we would not be able to function normally. So we repress this anxiety. We grow to learn to live with the fear (Becker 1973). This knowledge we have with facing our own mortality can help in dealing with the “Denial” aspect of coping with
death. In Kubler-Ross’ “Five Stages of Grief” she also lists “Acceptance”. Dr. Paul T.P. Wong, a Research Director and Professor at Trinity Western University in British Columbia, Canada says that, “…dying can be a positive and rewarding experience; it can be a time of personal freedom and growth… I am proposing that dying can be a time of personal freedom and growth.” (Wong 2007). Dying is not an easy task it takes a lot of work. It also marks a time where you understand your limitations and realizing that some things may not be able to be resolved before you or a loved one’s passing.
Acceptance takes work. It seems like the easier of the grieving process but you must understand that we live in a society that tends to guise the dying process by using any and every technological advance; giving the illusion of the ability to live forever, thus making the process of acceptance even harder. We want to stall the dying and aging process as much as we can. We do this by our watching what we eat, how we exercise, and even to the extreme of getting plastic surgery.
Most cultural ideas of grieving or coping with death vary but mainly depend on what religion you follow. Most monotheistic religions believe that when you die you transition to either a glorious immortal life in heaven or suffer a fiery damnation in hell. They take solace in sayings like “God gives and he takes away.” This is an accepted part of life that is detailed in their scriptures. Many cultures wail in crying and mourn their dead loved ones. While other Far East cultures like the Japanese view death as a time of liberation and not sorrow and should view one’s death with strength and acceptance and not an unfortunate incident. In Latino cultures it is okay for the women to cry but men are expected to no show any outward emotion. Depending on how you were raised and from what are you are from, influences how you deal with death and how to cope with loss (Carteret 2011).
When understanding our limitations and coming to terms with our own mortality or understanding that we are about to lose a loved one; we can be able to help and aid others who may not be able to deal with the idea of non-existence.
We should be able to look back on our life and be able to be proud of our accomplishments and understand that death is permanent and though you cease to exist, your memory and how you lived your life to the very end is what is remembered. Today I watched TV One today to see a panel of people expressing their love for Mayor Marion Barry who died today. He continued to fight thru his own demons, and chronic health issues. The overwhelming theme I got from the panel who was there expressing their love for their departed friend was that he was the king of comebacks. I thought to myself, “His fight and will help them be able to cope with his loss without shedding a tear.” He found purpose in his life and they found purpose in him
too.

References
Ernest Becker The denial of death Published by Simon & Schuster New York page 13 and 17 Free Press Paperbacks A Division of Simon & Shuster Inc. 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020 http://public.zoob.eml.cc/becker1-2.pdf
Dealing with Your Own Imminent Death - Theories on Acceptance of Impending Death Kathryn Patricelli, MA Updated: Mar 7th 2007 http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=11989&cn=174
From Death Anxiety to Death Acceptance Dr. Paul T.P. Wong http://www.meaning.ca/archives/archive/art_death-acceptance_P_Wong.htm