First Love

First love, it can make or break you. It’s a love that will live in your heart, remain in your memory, and cherish forever. A person’s first love is powerful because it comes from innocence and naivety. They say nothing is impossible, but I believe forgetting your first love is impossible. It’s impossible to see that person with someone else and not wonder, what if? It’s something you can never forget; every time you see them, your stomach turns and your heart flutters. Whether you miss them or not, it’s a feeling you can’t let go. You never forget the fun you had, but you’ll forget the immature fights you had. If fate somehow brings you back to that person, you wonder if it was meant to be. First love makes it easy to fall again because you learned so much. It teaches you what to expect and accept. When you finally feel you can move on, you’re afraid of the damage it may do because you feel as though every guy is the same.
Your only concern is to search for that love you had, within someone else. But, when you think you find that special someone all you can do is compare them to your first love, he wears his hair to left, but I like the way he wore it to the right; he dresses nice, but his style was more fashionable; his teeth are pretty, but his smile was flawless; his eyes are green, but I got lost in his blue eyes. It’s really only human to compare. When the bickering starts with a current relationship, comparing just comes natural. You feel as though ‘he or she’ would have never said something like that or treated you that way. As soon as the comparison begins, so do the ‘what-ifs’. What if I’m meant to be with them, what if they’re going to do this forever, what if ‘he’ would have handled this differently, and the what- ifs continue until they make or break the relationship.
It’s actually incredible how you can fall so hard and so fast for someone. You quickly begin to plan out your lives, to only see it collapse right before your eyes. You’re left alone with a broken heart to mend. You have this feeling that eats away at your soul and keeps you from moving on. You actually convince yourself that there is no one else in the world out there, but you’re wrong. Days go by and it feels like years, you then pick up the pieces and attempt to move on. Hope is back in to play and you see it within someone else, yet you’re still reserved because the thoughts of getting hurt again are so painful. Which is why, I encourage people to proceed with caution, don’t rush anything, and enjoy everything. Due to past experiences, I’ve found that the quicker your move, the faster it seems to fall.
I feel as though I should speak about my ‘first love’, so that the full affect can be grasped. In a few short words, it is something that I will cherish forever, the good and bad. I’ve always been told that when I loved unconditionally for exactly what is without expecting anything in return and when I was away that I would feel as though something is missing; it would then be that I would truly understand what love is.
Now that I’m able to say I’ve experienced my ‘first love’, I know it wasn’t really ‘love’, it was more like lust. Clearly I couldn’t have been in ‘love’ at the age of fifteen, but at the time no one could have told me otherwise. The first two years of our relationship was nothing short of extraordinary; we weren’t without each other for a long period of time and were constantly in contact with one another. It was definite infatuation. Now, I am able to see the relationship was new and exciting the first two years, anything after we were comfortable with each other, we were able to be ourselves, which meant we began to see our true colors. We were slowly learning who we were and eventually hurt each other along the way. We became a habit that couldn’t be broke. We wanted to experience other things with other people, but neither of us had the courage to let it go. Therefore, we experienced those things with other people, while still in a relationship; this was the beginning of a terrible, damaged, and painful relationship. Years went by and the relationship continued on and off, at the time I seen nothing wrong with this type of unhealthy relationship. Soon enough, I learned it wasn’t worth our time.
It was time to attend college, I honestly thought we’d work through the distance and make it last. However, we didn’t trust one another; while the cat was away the mice would play. When word got out, the relationship became more than unhealthy; it was verbally and physically abusive. Our family and friends began to worry and it became the most miserable time of our lives. Every time we spoke, it was bickering; we couldn’t get along for more than an hour. Sitting here today, I don’t understand why we didn’t just let it go. Easier said than done I guess. The years continued to pass and the relationship only got worse, but eventually we both matured enough to let it go. It wasn’t civil by any means, but we let go. Other than a loss of a loved one, I think it will be the hardest thing I have to overcome. I’m still recovering after being apart for two years, that’s why I believe it’s impossible to forget.
Although our relationship was more damaging than healthy, I don’t regret a single thing. He taught me almost everything I needed to know when it came to love. After him I knew what I was looking for in my lifetime partner, what to expect and accept from others, the value of trust, what and what not to do, and even though he and I didn’t get along, I still wanted some of his aspects. After that experience, I realize it was only another life lesson.