Gideon Lewis Kraus Journey

‘A Sense of Direction’ by Gideon Lewis-Kraus is a memoir about the vulnerability of Mr. Kraus. He writes about these series of pilgrims he takes and how these journey’s teaches him a few lessons in life. Due to the constrained life his father, who had to hide that he is homosexual- and because of this, he went through an unhappy marriage, be a spiritual leader for his congregation and hide his identity until his mid-forties; Lewis-Kraus fears that he might have many regrets later on in life just because he did not do the things he wanted to in his twenties like his father; he decides to let his life take him places, where he ‘goes-with-the-flow’, a life which is led by his free-flowing desires but which also has some kind of structure, especially
during his time in Berlin. But the question he confronts for doing this is: What does he really want from his life? This is the question that leads him to go on these pilgrims to find out what he actually desires deep in his heart and one of the purposes of his journey is to record these experiences, his feelings during his turmoil and what he observes during these series of pilgrimages.

Due to the suppressed life of Gideon’s father, him being gay, a rabbi and in an unhappy marriage and lacking the freedom to be who he is due to societal and family pressures he felt on his shoulders and a thousands of regrets of the past.
Gideon determined to not repeat the same mistakes as his father did. He did not want a rigidity in his life which would cease to give him any choices. In order to find a bit of structure and freedom at the same time, he sensed, after doing the Camino that pilgrimages would help him to overcome the crisis of discovering what he wanted from his life. But seemingly, the ending of the book was not fully the end of his crisis. There was some sort of happy ending to it since him and his father reconcile and clear it all out but in the aftermath, they both still end up in the same situation and Gideon claimed, during his visitation to our class that he’s writing articles for magazines and is not quite sure of his life still. His time in Berlin, according to me, was chaotic and unstructured. Although he was attempting to do what he wanted at present, in the end, it did not satisfy him and left him in the dilemma of what he actually wanted. It is quite contradictory because here Gideon was, letting himself loose, following his primary drives yet he was going through a crisis and David Levine aptly phrased this at the right time for Gideon: “Life is a crisis of doing what you want.” This is so significant to the book and to Gideon’s life and it is
one of the main themes of Gideon’s memoir: The crisis of doing what you want, which Gideon found out was to have a balance between a stable life, have the freedom to do what he wanted, reconcile with his father and write this book to share his legacy and story to the world. His memoir and life is based on finding out what he wants and searching for some sort of structure by following the rituals of pilgrimages.

This quote has been so true to my life because at this point of my life when I need to make important decisions it is hard to determine which path to take and what I REALLY WANT and what will be worthwhile. I do not want to make a decision out of my mere feelings that are temporary but something that will be beneficial for me in the long-run. I used to be very religious, passionate and devout Christian who was sure about my faith but at this point of my life, I am re-examining the foundations of my faith and my fellow Christians and I feel like there are so many flaws to my religion and it only looks at one perspective which is the Christian perspective. Some rules I found out I couldn’t believe in and I feel like it’s not really where my heart belongs or my true self. I’m supposed to be against homosexuals, against abortion and oppose all kinds of things that I don’t really oppose in my heart. I ought to be judgmental towards those who are ‘non-Christians’ and many laws in the Bible do not seem applicable to our current times which, if we look deeply at our situations, morality is shades of grey but nothing is solid black and white and the Bible defines morality in terms of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ with no shades of grey. I still have great respect for Jesus. I believe and follow his teachings of love, tolerance and acceptance of all men and women. He also treated women with great respect. But is he God? And did he really die on the cross? What is the real truth? What if we’ve been deceived? On the other hand, living a constrained and religious life, following all the rules is not something I’m willing to do, it’s not something I want for myself. I’m sure of this that I do not want to look back in 20 years’ time and say that I lived a desolate life with no mistakes, no risks or special moments and no experience except following some sort of moral code of conduct. Due to spending my early teenage years being religious, I have had many regrets and didn’t live my life freely as I should have. I still wish I went back and did those things a bit differently without thinking about religion or the people in church. There were times where I used to feel depressed and lonely just because I had guilt of not being a good Christian or living up to the mark. That is why, I have decided I do not want to live this kind of life which is so structured and definite with no sense of freedom to choose what you ‘want to do’. It doesn’t seem the ‘me’ on the inside, so I am getting undone and restructuring my life from the pre notions that I had since childhood and trying to find the truth and my own spiritual path that would fit me. I am currently wanting to open my mind and know other religions and my first stop is Islam. I borrowed the English version of the Qur’an from my friend and have been reading it from time to time. I have many Muslim friends who are ten times more trustworthy than my Christian friends (most of my Christian friends are shit, trust me- they only look at their perspective and are mean and judgmental, they act like they love but are only fooling themselves). I was always fascinated by Islam since childhood and used to wear the hijab and learnt how to wear it because it seemed different and cool. I have a really close family friend in North Carolina whom I call my auntie who tells me a lot about Islam and I was surprised that there are clear instructions on respecting women and the importance of education. I am still not sure about converting but I’m eager to read the Qur’an, learn more about the religion and read other holy books like the Torah and the Gita (Hindu book). The problem with my quest is that leaving my religion will definitely disappoint my mom since she is a devout Christian. She does not know about anything yet but she must’ve been noticing signs since I haven’t been attending church for more than two months. My father is calm about it since he is an atheist and doesn’t exactly believe in anything. He does not know about me exploring Islam yet but all that I have informed him is that I do not believe in Christianity or any religion as of now anymore. He feels that I’m an atheist like him but I can say that I’m more of an agnostic since I still believe in God, just not that he/she exists in any religion. But I’m sure my father be shocked to know that I’m trying out Islam. On a Sunday morning when my mother was insisting us to get ready for church, I was checking myself in the bathroom mirror and my father suddenly came in looking for something, I said: “I don’t want to go to church. I do not want to ever go”
He asked: “Why?”
I said: “I don’t really believe in this anymore.”
He’s not a very expressive person but by the tone of his voice I could say he was pleased with what I said and went on: “Okay, do whatever you want, nobody should force you to do something you don’t want to do especially in religion. Just be careful with mother and find your path and when you do, stick to it.”
I’m sure he thought I was not serious or maybe he forgot because the next week he asked me again why I am not going to church and I repeated the same.
But he then asked: “Have you become like me?” (Who is an atheist) and I just said yes without giving any details that I’m not an atheist but an agnostic since I still believe in God. What I’m going through in my mind is very contradictory because on one hand, I want to explore other religions and digging to see if there is ‘truth’ in them and on the other, I’m saying that I am agnostic who does not follow any religion but believe in God. I have shared about this to a few of my friends who I consider close- Muslim, Christian and non-religious. Not surprisingly, one of my Christian friend started sending me long texts on proving why Christianity is the truth and that I shouldn’t leave. I was a bit annoyed but it was definitely an expected response. I’m sure that when I confess to my mom, there will be tensions between us and she would say to me: “I’ll pray for you” or I will hear her praying loudly in the drawing room to get the devil out of my system. I have become a ‘rebel’ since I’m trying new things and disowning the things I used to do as a Christian. Secondly, picking a major was a big concern for many months. Usually Indian parents decide which career path their children should take but I am privileged to have parents who have let me choose what I want to do in life. Although my mother insists on me being a lawyer or a
judge and I’m not sure what my father would want from me but it was a struggle since I did not really know what was my passion that would last for life and something that would also sustain me. I researched many majors that would fit me and I knew I wanted to be in the humanities and something that would help me to contribute to the society. So I have my eyes on the United Nations because it is an organization that works towards the welfare of countries and the world. I also want to contribute to women’s rights, child rights and promotion of education on a global level. All these issues depend on the relations between the government of countries and political efficiency of a country. So I decided to major in International Relations. My dream school after Kingsborough is New York University but realistically speaking (in matters of price) Brooklyn or Hunter College are good schools to transfer afterwards. Not only can I join the UN and work for the welfare of society but International Relations are one of the highest paying majors and I will get to travel and meet new people which I always wanted to do. So regarding my major, I was in the crisis of doing what I want but I guess for now, I am at peace with my decision and I know what I want. But with regard to my religion, life is currently a crisis of doing what I want for me.

I’m not sure how Gideon felt when Davis Levine said, “Life is a crisis of doing what you want.” but this simple yet deep line coming out of David Levine’s mouth resonated through me. It has left me and Gideon to contemplate about how much of a struggle it could be to search for what you really want and actually find it and accomplish it.