Human Sexuality and integrity
Respect in Relationships
When we say we “respect” someone, it means that we see value in him or her and treat the person accordingly.
We may respect specific things but being respectful is also a general attitude toward other people that sees them as having value and good qualities in spite of their mistakes and faults. It means acting toward others as if each is worthy of good treatment.
A respectful person has a certain dignity because he or she affirms basic human worth. Therefore, if we want others to respect us, we should be respectful toward them, A disrespectful person has little dignity and therefore gets less respect back from others.
Respect: to treat someone or something as being valuable.
WHY IT’S SOMETIMES HARD TO RESPECT OTHERS
One main reason is that some people expect others to be and to act a certain way, and then are disappointed when they don’t live up to those expectations.
We don’t agree with their opinion or ideas.
Showing respect builds good relationships and helps our character growth.
Learning Respect
We learn about to form social relationships in our families. - we learn things like manners We also learn things from another’s point of view
Listening Well - A great Way to Show respect One of the best way to show respect is by being a good listener . in a classroom in a meeting in personal relationship
Listening means much more than just hearing the word. Listening involves being interested in the other person.
1. What are ways of showing respect for ourselves?
2. What are way of showing respect for others?
3. What is the relationship between respect and love?
4. Why do you think people so often show disrespect for one another?
5. How can you show respect to those with whom you disagree?
6. Even if you know you are right and the other person is wrong, how would you show respect towards this person?
7. What does a person have to do to gain your respect?
10. How should you act if you want others to respect you?
How do you feel when someone you care does something to lose your respect for him or her?
HUMAN SEXUALITY AND INTEGRITY
On TV, in movies, and in song, sex is shown as being something people get into pretty easily and without consequences. You usually don’t hear about disease, unwanted pregnancies, or the emotional and psychological damage that comes from sexual relationships in these stories. In real life, though, things are not simple. Sexuality has the potential to bring new life into the world in the form of a baby. It also has the potential to spread diseases and germs. Sexuality is also a deep part of the human personality. It is related to the mind and heart as well as to the body. Sex is very, very important and shouldn’t be treated lightly. Sex is the sense of our gender—male or female—is determined from the moment we come into being. Throughout life, everything we think, feel and do, we experience as a male or female. This is because our sexuality is a gift for differentiating and attracting men and women to one another. The masculine and feminine natures complement each other. Men and women experience balance, harmony, and completion through each other. Because this men and women sense a deep need for each other, of which sex is a part. Yet physical sex is not the end in itself and should not be separated from the deeper aspects of men and woman relating to one another on the levels of the mind and the heart.
RESPECTING OUR SEXUALITY
IN ORDER OF SEX TO HAVE A CONSTRUCTIVE, WONDERFUL ROLE IN OUR LIVES, WE NEED TO HAVE A DEEP RESPECT FOR ITS POWER AND UNDERSTAND THE PROPER PLACE AND TIME FOR IT. WHILE IN A PHYSICAL SENSE WE ALL GROW TO SEXUAL MATURITY WITHOUT ANY EFFORT—IT JUST HAPPENS—DOES THIS MEANS THAT WE HAVE THE EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, SOCIAL, AND SPIRITUAL MATURITY NEEDED TO HANDLE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP? NO. REACHING PUBERTY DOES NOT MEAN THAT WE ARE MATURE ENOUGH INSIDE TO HAVE SEX.
The following story illustrates the need for preparation and guidance before going ahead with something we may be physically, but not emotionally and mentally, ready for.
You are driving your father’s car through the center of the big city together with your twelve year old brother. Suddenly, he asks you to let him drive awhile. He has a strong desire to drive and, being tall for his age, he is physically able to do so. Very confidently he tells you not to worry, assuring you that he can handle it. But you know very well that he is not ready for this. He may kill himself, you, and someone else, too. If you really love your brother and care about his well-being, you won’t let him drive through the center of town. You know he risks having a car crash.
Are we sometimes like this twelve year old boy, thinking we are mature enough to do certain things because we are physically big enough, even though we aren’t really ready inside? With our heart pounding and our pulses racing, we can seem to approach the issue of sexuality the way the twelve year old is approaching driving car. While we may be physically able to have sex, that doesn’t mean we have the judgment, skills, and maturity to handle it without getting into a mental and emotional crash. In nature, nothing reproduces before it has completely matured. If you are given rosebud, you are given a promise of beauty. You can’t just rip it open and enjoy its fragrance, softness, and color immediately. If you did, you would ruin it. You can enjoy a rose if you keep it in a protected place and wait for it to unfold. Then it will share with you all its fragrance, color, and softness—all in its own time. In the same way, the beauty of sex can only be experienced after we have reached full maturity in our hearts and characters, not just in our bodies.
SEX AND LOVE
Sexual stimulation feels wonderful. It can feel like love, and we all want love. Yet sex and love are not the same thing. It is easy to get them mixed up. What exactly is the difference between sex and love? Sex, of course, is physical. Love is spiritual—it has to do with the mind and the heart. The only place where the two can come together is in marriage. Human sexuality is not just instinctual and uncontrollable, like an animal’s. Human sexuality involves though, emotion, social relationships, morality, and free will. For humans, sex is mean to be an expression of love for someone we have committed our life to rather than simple physical gratification or reproduction. If we try to use our sexuality only to gain physical satisfaction, eventually our minds and heart will suffer greatly from being left out of the equation. Sex alone can never substitute for love, nor can it be separated from love. If we have sex, hoping to find love, we certainly will be disappointed and hurt. Love has to come first, accompanied by trust, responsibility, and commitment. Through the act of sexual love, married couples give themselves to one another in body, mind, and heart. For married couples, sex is a sign of love and an exclusive right they share. Each values the other as the most important person in his or her life, as the marriage vows state: “till death us do part.” At the heart of sexual intercourse is the expression of love arising from a continuous, committed relationship. Sex is the expression of complete trust and security between two people linked in a profound and permanent way. Cut off from marriage, a sexual relationship is torn from its roots. Outside of marriage, the sexual act awakens that which is most intimate, sacred, and vulnerable in the human heart—without being able to fulfill the heart’s deepest desire. There is a longing deep within the human heart to be in a permanent relationship of complete love with a person of the opposite sex and to raise a family with that person. Sex awakens these desires, but, without the marriage relationship, it does not fulfill them. The result is emotional and psychological destruction.
SEXUAL INTEGRITY
Sexual integrity allows us the freedom to develop and strengthen our character so that we can experience the fullness of love when we are married. Integrity means completeness or wholeness. Wholeness involves unity between our mind and body, the balancing of all the parts of the self.
“Up on Fong Mountain”
In the story “Up on Fong Mountain” fifteen year old Jessie is being pressured by her boyfriend, B.D., to have sex with him.
In spite of the fact that she likes B.D. very much, Jessie has this to say about her sexual integrity:
“At this point in my life, the way I feel is—my body is my body. And I don’t care to share it with anyone. I don’t know totally why I feel that way, and I don’t think I have to know why. It’s just the way I feel. Sometimes in the morning I look at my self in the mirror and I feel proud. I look myself over and I think, hey, yeah, Jessie, that’s your body. Terrific!”
When B.D. pressures Jessie too much sexually and in other ways, the couple breaks up. This is painful for both of them. But Jessie’s sexual integrity causes B.D. to think over the way he has been treating her. He realizes he has been pushy in a lot of ways and the good relationships are built on cooperation, not just one person having his way all the time. In the end, B.D. decides to respect Jessie’s choices, and Jessie and B.D. are happier together because Jessie stood up for herself.
Sexual integrity creates order and beauty in one’s character and happiness in one’s life. It allows a person to develop the inner strength and skills needed for a lifetime for love. Marriage requires much more friendship than romance, and one who intends to marry someday needs to cultivate the art of friendship rather that sexual techniques. In comparison with sexual integrity, sexual impulsiveness and permissiveness distort a person’s character, leading a person to become extremely self-centered. Sexually permissiveness people are like starving people, surrounding wherever and whatever they can for food. It is as if within them there is an inner emptiness, a bottomless pit crying out to be filled. They are actually starving for love but they are trying to satisfy their hunger through sex. This only drives love further away, because they are hurting their minds and hearts, the places where love lives. The desire for oneness with another is a driving force in life. It is a strong desire of the heart. Our deepest desire is to experience total oneness with the person who is our marriage mate for life. Sex is the physical expression of this desire for oneness. Yet we cannot have this type of oneness with one person, then turn around and become one with another. This will rip us apart inside. One marital and sexual partner for life is the way to keep our integrity intact, so that we are better able to love and be loved for the whole of our live.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
1. What is the difference between sex and love? In what ways might they be the same?
2. What is the difference between animal and human sexuality?
3. How would you describe sexual maturity?
4. if you are a parent, how would you talk to your teenage child about the issue of sexuality and sexual desire?
5. How would you describe the spiritual, mental, emotional, and moral aspects of human sexuality?
6. Discuss freedom and responsibility in relation to sexuality.
7. Compare mature and immature sexual behavior
8. Is sex a need or desire?
9. Is love a need or desire?
10. With respect to sexuality, how can a person determine if the mind or the body is in control?
EXERCISE: “TV CRITIC”
You are a TV critic for your local newspapers. Think about an episode from your favorite TV program and write an article about it from the point of view of sexual integrity. Point out who was mature, who wasn’t, and what the consequences of each type of sexual behavior were. Point out what you think the consequences would be in real life.
REFLECTION EXERCISE” “SEXUAL INTEGRITY AND MUSIC”
Think of your favorite song or songs. Write down some of the lyrics that you remember. Now analyze the lyrics. Are there any phrases or words that have sexual meaning? What are these words telling people about sexuality? Is it encouraging listeners to be loose or to be careful about their sexuality? Does it express a connection between sex and marriage? Does it focus on the physical aspect of sex, or does it bring in romantic, moral or spiritual aspects? Was your song ever shown on video? If so and you’ve seen the video, try to analyze the actions, clothing, and movements in the video. What were saying about sex? What kind of values were they expressing?
THE CHALLENGE OF PURITY
Let’s begin by answering some of the questions that millions of teenagers ask. What is purity? What is modesty? How do you practice these things? What are some of the consequences if you don’t? how “far” should you go? What if you’ve already gone too far?
WHAT IS PURITY?
Purity means very simply to have sexual self—control—to stay within certain boundaries. The result of purity is inner peace and more self-respect. People who remain pure feel more free. They enjoy many things in life more because they are not focused in one thing—sex. Those teens who remain pure are more free to develop healthy friendships because they don’t have to play any kind of dating game. People who remain pure are like a breath of fresh air and burst of laughter. Even though the media would have you believe that having sex is the only important thing in the world, people who maintain their purity are actually having more fun than people who are engaging in illicit sexual relationships. The lives and hearts of people who remain pure are open to many wonderful adventures, and they have many heart-satisfying relationships. They are not dragged down into the emotional entanglement and confusion that premarital sex brings on. They are also free of the fear of disease and unwanted pregnancy. Being pure is a wonderful thing. Even in today’s world, people are practicing purity. In America, the birthplace of the Sexual Revolution, more and more teenagers are choosing to stay sexually pure. Why? Because they don’t want to experience the emotional suffering premarital sexual relationships can bring, with their lack of deep commitment and lack of mutual responsibility. They don’t want disease and unwanted pregnancies. They want true and lasting love—which only springs out of sexual purity. If we do give in to the temptation to have sex before marriage, even if it feels good for a while, we wind up feeling very muddied inside. When we then meet someone who is pure, we may feel ashamed of ourselves. The only way to avoid feeling ashamed it to stay pure in the first place. Another way to look at premarital sex is to think about what we wear each day. None of us would want to wear someone else’s stained, used clothes, yet premarital sexual relationships are similar to wearing stained, used, clothes, except that the stain is inside us. Maybe no one can see it, but the stain is still there. When we have lost our sexual purity, sooner or later we will definitely feel the difference, and we will regret our decision to have sex without marriage.
How do we protect our purity?
Sooner or later, we will face sexual temptation. What will we do then? We need to prepare for this moment by developing a pure mind, clean speech, modest dress, and virtuous actions. Otherwise, the temptation may be strong for us. How do we develop a pure mind? We have to stay away from the mind’s “junk food.” The mind is an amazing gift. It has the ability to take information and store it so we can use it later. However, the contents of our mind are not easily erased. What goes in stays. If we fill our mind with images of sexual passion, disobedience, rebellion, and violence, it is much more difficult to develop good character traits like being loving, considerate, and kind. What goes in is eventually reflected in our actions, speech, or attitudes. Think of a popular song or advertisement theme that you may have heard recently. After listening to it enough times, don’t you find yourself singing along with the music when you hear it on the radio? Doesn’t it sometimes play in your mind without even wanting it to? That is the power of the mind to absorb things. Or take speech. If you are around others who use dirty words and swear all the time, you eventually may speak in the same w3ay. The same is true for sexual images. If you surround yourself with sexual images or pornography, it doesn’t take long to begin to look at those around in a sexual way rather than as a loving, caring friend. How we speak also reflects the content of our mind. Telling a dirty joke simply says to others that we regard our sexuality—and theirs—very cheaply. Dressing immodestly sends a message “For Sale—cheap!” It looks like we don’t respect ourselves. So how will others respect us? How can we expect them to look at our minds and hearts—the most important parts of us—when we are advertising our bodies so loudly? Dressing immodestly also stimulates lustful desires in others. Even if we think we just look fashionable, if people of the opposite sex begin to express lust towards us, commenting on our clothes or bodies, than we need to think about wearing clothes that are less revealing. We want people to like us for who we are and what we are like inside—not because we are wearing jeans so tight they show every muscle. Virtuous actions would include avoiding being in temping situations. Sexual passion can flare up very quickly, so it is important to avoid being alone with a member of the opposite sex, especially in private or dark places. Don’t tempt fate by thinking you will only go so far and then stop. It gets harder and harder to stop once you’ve gotten started kissing, touching each other, French kissing, or holding each other very close. Many young people have though they could control themselves only to feel regret later that they gave in to their passion and had sex with someone
HOW IS PREMARITAL SEX LIKE A FROG IN HOT WATER?
Did you know that if you put a frog in a pot of water and heat the pot very slowly, you will soon have boiled, dead frog?
However, if you put a frog into a pot of water that is already boiling hot, the frog will jump out to safety.
The reason for this is that as the water heats up slowly by degrees, the frog doesn’t notice how hot it is getting until it is too late.
Sexual passion is like that. It heats up slowly, by degrees, until before you know what has happened, it is boiling hot and its is too late to jump away to safety.
Often we feel attracted to someone. Thinking that we can control ourselves and our half-formed emotions, we put ourselves in situation where we become closer and closer to that person. Before we know it, we are too close to pull away from the relationship, and we do something that we later regret. The best advice is: don’t start. Save all your touching, kissing, and holding each other for the love of your life. All that saved up passion will make your marriage wonderful! It’s like putting money in the bank for a rich future.
BUT WHAT IF IT IS LOVE?
Many teens ask, “What if you really in love with a person? What if you’re close and committed, and you’re almost married to them? Is sex okay, then?” well, do you know that 50% of engagements are broken? That’s a high percentage of people who taught they were really in love and “almost married.” What if older teens and even some adults tell you, “Its okay as long as you are in love”? but what is love? Most people even adults, are confused about what love is. It’s very hard to tell if it is infatuation or love. Sex in those situations, even if sincere, only multiplies the confusion.
NINE TIME OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST URGES SEXUAL PURITY Carl Lewis has been voted the Greatest Olympian of the 20th Century. Some think he is the greatest athlete of all time. Lewis won nine Olympic Gold Medals and one Silver Medal during his career as a sprinter and long jumper. Some people call him “King Carl”
During his career, Carl Lewis won sixty-five straight competitions in the long jump. He won his Olympic gold medal doing the long jump at the age of thirty-five. One commentator said that he defeated gravity, history, and getting older with that one great leap.
As a sprinter, Lewis was also fast that other runners sometimes felt like they were standing still compared to him. He won one of his Gold Medals by leaving the pack behind him by eight feet—a winning measure unheard of before in the Olympics.
At the 2004
Summer Olympics in Athens, Carl took time out of a busy schedule to address a large crowd of young people who were taking a “Purity Pledge”—vowing to remain sexually abstain until marriage. The crowd was gathered under the name of “True Love Waits,” meaning that true love waits until marriage to have sex.
Lewis urged young people to have the moral courage to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. He told them, “Set yourself apart in your group by being a leader and not giving in to what others are doing.”
This is great and appropriate message from a man who so often left the pack behind him as he ran or leaped to glory.
RENEWED PURITY
What if you have already gone too far? Sadly, many teens have done this. Thinking it was love, they went ahead and had sex, only to find some time later that they really didn’t love each other. Sometimes one of the partners decides this and suddenly “dumps” the other. The result? Heartbreak, regret, disillusionment, distrust of the opposite sex. Depression, and feeling used. Does it mean that everything is lost and that there is no way back?
Even if we make a mistake and go down a destructive path for a while, we can still recover some purity as long as we realize and admit our mistakes. In fact, the sooner we do, the better. Renewing purity is not as good as keeping it in the first place, but it is an excellent secondary choice if a person has lost his or her virginity. The person who makes this choice will enjoy many of the benefits of purity once he or she has been practicing it for some time. The essential; thing is to be honest. As a teenager, you do not have to suffer because of the sexually-cheapened culture you live in. with wisdom, courage, and patience, you can discover the true and lasting satisfaction that springs out of sexual purity—and become one of the growing numbers of teens who are saving sex for marriage and real love.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
1. What is purity?
2. Why can we say that purity brings freedom? What kind of freedom is it?
3. What are some of the other benefits of purity?
4. What are some of the ways to stay pure?
5. How can premarital sex get in the way of learning about true love?
6. How can we develop a pure mind? Clean speech? Virtuous action?
7. What is renewed purity?
8. Is sex okay if you think you really love the other person but are still not married?
9. What are some of the dangers of engaging in a sexual relationship outside of marriage?
10. How might your choice either to be pure or to engage in pre-marital sex influence other parts of your life?
PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE
It might seem a bit early to start talking about marriage, but if you really think about it, it is not too early. You are preparing through school for the professional field you will enter: medicine, teaching, engineering, business, carpentry, etc., yet in terms of our ultimate happiness, marriage and family life is far more important than any profession. Shouldn’t we also be preparing for marriage with the same seriousness with which we are preparing for a career? The reality is that many couples jump into marriage, caught up in a dreamy romance like they see in the movies. They are walking on the clouds and feel no need for many kind of advice or preparation. It is difficult for them to believe that daily routine, little irritations, competing attractions, financial pressures, and natural tensions of family life could never eat away at their love and joy they feel now. They think this despite the reality of divorce and unhappy marriages all around them are in love, and isn’t that all that matters? In actuality, marriage will magnify whatever problems a couple tries to overlook in their present relationship and within themselves. The honeymoon always ends! Romantic dreams about marriage are often based on the expectation that your partner will be able to meet all your needs and desires for the rest of your life. People think that their partner will always be ready, able, and willing to perform for them. They think also:
that they will be happy at all times that there won’t be any conflicts they can’t manage that their physical relationship will be good and satisfying that if they have children, they will grow up without many problems that their love for each other will never change
It is good to have high expectations, but we also need to look at the reality of what it takes to make a good marriage. As Olympic Medalist Evgeni Plushenko said, when you embrace a dream, you have to embrace all the effort you will have to go through in order to make it come true.
It is unfortunate that there is little real training or guidance to prepare people for marriage. Because of this, people go into marriage not ready for the difficulties. When difficulties do arise, they imagine that there is something wrong with them, with their partner, or with the relationship. There is little guidance about how to deal with such difficulties in a constructive way, so people often choose to divorce. To prevent that, it is best to learn about and prepare for marriage beforehand.
CHOOSING A SPOUSE
Choosing a spouse is the most important decision you will ever make. In past it was common for parents to choose their children’s spouses, and it is still common in some cultures today. The parents look for someone whose personality, character traits, and family ties would provide a good complement for their child. It has not been considered necessary that the young couple “fall in love” right away. It has been believed that if both partners tried hard enough and were good and virtuous people, love would grow up between them naturally. Many marriages made like this were indeed lasting and happy. Today, in most parts of the world, this has been replaced by dating or courtship in which the young person more and more, the relationship may lead to marriage. Courtship often lasts one or two years. During this time there is a constant evaluation and re-evaluation of values, viewpoints and mutual compatibility. The process is important because the quality of the courtship will influence the outcome of the marriage. Often the parents are involved in advising or providing opportunities and places to meet during the courtship. Although love may blossom during courtship, it is only in a committed marriage the love comes in full blooms as the couple invest themselves totally in the relationship. Only then does a couple come to really know and understand each other, developing a deep harmony. Therefore, love can come whether a marriage is based on the couple finding one another on their own and courting or whether the couple is introduced by the parents, a religious leader, or by the community.
THE COURTSHIP OF CHRISTOPHER AND CINDY
“When I was a bachelor, I joined a local church. An older couple in the church was very friendly to me. They told me they had a daughter, Cindy, about my age, who wasn’t married. They said she was working in another state, but she often come home for a visit on weekends. Then they invited me to their house for desert one of the nights Cindy was home. I knew they were hoping we’d like each other. We did.
I started coming over to her parents’ house on weekends, and Cindy and I would sit in the living room or on the porch and have popcorn or cake together. Her parents were always in the next room. We got to know each other pretty well just through talking and playing board games and watching TV. After a year or so of this, it just seemed natural that we would be together for the rest of our lives. So I proposed and she accepted! Boy, were her parents happy!”
“Dating” is a little different than courtship. While courtship is done for the purpose of selecting a future spouse and starts when couple seriously considers marrying and becoming partners for life, dating is though of as being more for “fun,” and it is more casual. It is more passionate at times and involves less thoughtful consideration of the person as future spouse. Unlike courtship, dating does not necessary involve thoughts of marriage. It has been said that, rather than preparing young people for marriage, dating prepares people for divorce! This is because typically in dating a couple develops an intimate relationship before there is any thought of marriage. When they eventually break up because there was never any real commitment on either side, this sets a pattern for relationships with the opposite sex—quick intimacy and then break-up. On dates, couples usually look as attractive as they can for one another and spend time only with one another. They go out and do “fun” or satisfying things and see each other only at their best in a setting designed to give them pleasure. It is easy, then, feel a strong pull toward sexual intimacy. But do they really know each other? The truth is that it is not easy to truly get to know—let alone be truly love—another person. It takes time and care and the wisdom of previous generations to guide us. Courtship generally falls under some supervision by parents. It is understood by member of both families that the couple is at least considering marriage; the couple interacts under more natural circumstances than on a date—they may meet in one another’s family homes, accompany one another on family outings, and attend group get-togethers with one another. They are able to see the other interacting with a family or extended family group in a more natural way and in settings they will likely find themselves in during their marriage. What to look for in s potential spouse is also an important consideration, no matter how the candidate enters a person’s life. We should learn what qualities are present in a loving person and how these are developed. We can start by looking at the qualities of people whom we respect and admire. Then we can look to see if these same qualities are in a potential spouse. It is said that the most important thing in finding a good spouse is becoming a person who will be a good spouse yourself. We can think that qualities we would like our future spouse to have, and then focus on developing these qualities in ourselves. Every person has the potential to be a loving person, but not without sincere effort. If we do this, when the time comes and we meet our eventual spouse, he or she will recognize in us the kind of person who is desirable to marry.
PRACTICAL WAYS TO PREPARE FOR MARRIAGE
What are some practical ways for us to prepare for marriage? First, it is helpful to know the common points of conflict among married couples. If we can understand these and the reasons for them, we can take steps to head off potential trouble spots before they happen. Experts say that these common trouble spots are: sex, money, raising children and in-laws.
SEX
Because of differences between men and women, conflicts and misunderstandings often occur over the issue of sex in marriage. Men tend to have a stronger sex drive as are easily excited, whereas women take longer to get excited. Men are stimulated by the simple appearance of a woman’s body, while women are more stimulated when the man shows real love and affection. For most men, sex is primarily a physical event: for women it is most emotional. It is important to understand this and realize that, in marriage each partner brings a sexual attitude that gives the relationship the potential to be deeply satisfying on the mental, emotional, and physical sides. Appreciating and sympathizing with the opposite sex’s point of view is a step toward future harmony on these issues. Scientists have found that people who are virgins before marriage experience greater sexual and romantic satisfaction in their marriage. It is also important that sex be special, exclusive relationship between married couple so that they do not compare one another to past partners but are free to explore the joys of a loving, committed, sexual relationship only with one another. Preserving your virginity—whether you are a boy or girl—will help cut down on sexual problems during marriage. It also gives you the moral strength to resist improper sexual relationships once you are married, for you will surely be attracted to other people at times. Adultery is a major destroyer of marriages, so practicing self-control now will give you strength to keep sex within your marriage, and keep your marriage happy.
MONEY
THIS IS ANOTHER AREA OF CONFLICT FOR MANY MARRIED COUPLE, AS IT IS VERY EASY TO BE EITHER TOO FREE OR TOO MISERLY WITH MONEY. IF HUSBAND OR WIFE HAS MEMORIES FROM CHILDHOOD OF BEING POOR, DEEP INSECURITIES MAY HAVE DEVELOPED IN CONNECTION WITH MONEY, leading to emotional conflicts. If a spouse came from a wealthy family, he or she may be too casual about money. Whether we grew up wealthy or in poverty or somewhere in between, it is important to learn how to handle money responsibly. We should know how to keep tact of the money we spend, and to learn the difference between spending on needs and spending on wants and luxuries. Here again we must learn-self-control, this time in relation to our desire for things, se spend our money on what is important.
THE FAMILY AS A SCHOOL OF LOVE
What is the most valuable things to us? Our education? Freedom? Money? TV or our CD player? All these may be important, but for most people, none of these is more valuable than their family. Why do we care about our families so much? Why is love so important to us? It is because we are creatures of love. Our family relationships are the first, closest, and probably the most enduring love relationships we will have in our lives. The bonds we have with our parents, brothers and sisters, and eventual spouse make the foundation for our life, and they shape who we become as a person. Through these relationships we learn the most about true-love for the sake of others. Although we love our family, we know at the same time that difficulties sometimes occur in our daily living with each other. When we are struggling with something, we may take out our frustrations on our family. At other times, although we know they love us, we can feel oppressed by our parent’s demand and expectations. Some people don’t experience support from their families, or they grow up in broken families. Teenagers often find it difficult to communicate and express themselves freely at home. Sometimes parents and teens find themselves out of touch with each other. Family life is rarely—if—ever—perfect. Yet even an average family is the best place to learn important lessons about love.
THE FOUR REALMS OF HEART
The family is meant to function as a “school of love.” Through our family relationships we can experience and learn what love is all about. We do this by developing our heart through four main stages that proceed in an orderly development. Each of these stages leads us from being centered upon our own needs and desires to being more and more centered upon the needs and desires of others—in other words, more and more capable of true love. Since everyone begins life as a child, we first develop our hearts from this position in relationship to our parents. As we grow older, we develop our hearts through our relationships of love with brothers and sisters and friends as well as our parents. As we mature into adulthood, a new real of heart opens up when we marry. Finally, when we have our own children, we experience a parental heart. These are the four types of heart or “realms” of heart through which each of us learns how to give and receive love: the children’s realm, the siblings’ realm, the spouse’s realms, and the parents’ realm of heart. Just as we cannot attend high school until we complete the lower grades, we will not able to love properly in the later realms if we do not succeed in love in the earlier realms. For example, we cannot expect to become good husband and wives unless we have first learned to be good friends with our peers and good brothers and sisters. Let us explore the significance and progression of love in each of the four realms of heart more deeply.
CHILDREN’S REALM
A child’s love is a love that responds to care. A child is naturally self-centered, focused on his or her own needs and desires. He or she wants to be fed, clothed, kept warm and secure, talked to and paid attention to. However, parents would not complain that their child is selfish; they understand that the child is still in a state of immaturity. Their child’s needs and helplessness move the parents’ hearts to embrace and care for the child. Their rewards are the smiles, happy sounds, embraces, and general responsiveness of a loved, as well-cared for child. As a child grows, his or her ability to respond to the parents’ love ripens into taking responsibility in ways that earn the parents, approval. The child learns to tie his or her own shoes, to dress, to use the bathroom properly, to put away toys, to not hit or hurt others, property of pets. The child is rewarded for learning these small responsibilities by the parents’ praise. Each small responsibility is a tiny step toward true love—love that is more concerned with the needs and desires of others rather than only one’s own.
SIBLINGS’REALM
In siblings relationships the heart’s ability to share grows. Now the child not only look up to the parents with love, the child must look side to side to the others who are around him of her. The parents want their child to value and treat these other as well. The child must share the parents, the home, food, resources, and toys with siblings. The child must learn to wait for his or her turn. This stretches the child’s abilities to love. In the process of learning to love brothers and sisters, classmates, and friends, children learn such virtues as honesty, fairness, cooperation, and patience. As we enter our teenage years, our challenge is to learn to control our emotional impulses toward others—feelings of anger, jealousy, greed, impatience, desire, and the desire to merge our identities into those of others. These is necessary if we are to become people of integrity and self-respect. Keeping purity is our relationships with the opposite sex is also essential if we are to continue to develop our hearts in a healthy direction. All of this is in preparation for meeting our future spouse, so that relationship may be one of unselfish sharing and consideration of the other’s needs over and above our own.
SPOUSE’S REALM
A SPOUSE IS AS “OTHER” AS SOMEONE CAN BE. HE OR SHE IS THE OPPOSITE SEX, WHICH MEANS PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND EMOTIONAL DIFFERENCES. As was pointed out in the Preparation for Marriage chapter, even men and women’s approaches to sex are different. On the foundation of the earlier realms, which have taught us to love others, we are ready to share the deepest parts of our lives and ourselves with someone who is fundamentally different than we are—truly “other.” Marriage requires intense sharing of finances, space, duties, thoughts, emotions, and our physical selves. It requires sharing new relatives and responsibilities. It is something that stretches us further and further away from self-centeredness to other-centeredness. In a marriage, we may play diverse roles. Sometimes our spouse needs us to be friend, a brother or sister, a parent, even a delightful child. We can be to each other whatever the occasion requires, using the relationships we have learned in the past to enrich this most significant, lifelong, one. This unique and intimate relationship between two people who are so different is the foundation for the highest and ultimate realm of heart—the parent’s realm.
PARENT’S REALM
When a husband and wife give birth to a child, the last realm of heart is opened up. The nature of a parent’s heart is to provide the child with everything he or she needs, even at a sacrifice of the self. This involves loving another person without expecting anything in return. The parental real is the most unselfish realm. Loving parents give and forget that they gave, and are ready to give again. If a child is sick, parents will stay up all night to take care of the child. They will give up their own food to nourish the child. They will do without whatever they need themselves so the child can have more. Parents invest in a child, hoping that their child will be better than they were. They want the child to grow and achieve things they never could, to enjoy life and love to the fullest in ways they could not. True and genuine parents want their child to be smarter, more creative, more loving, and more resourceful than themselves, and they work hard to give the child opportunities to become so. This is love that is utterly focused on the benefit and well-being of another—the highest form of true love.
An extension of parental love is grandparental love. The position of grandparents is truly a royal one. In general, by this time of life, grandparents are released from the need to earn a living and can spend their time loving their families as unconditionally as possible. The parents and grandchildren honor them as the elders in the family and value their contributions. Their years of experience have given them much wisdom with which to guide and protect the family. Having labored over their lifetimes to raise and nurture a family, they can now fully give themselves over to the joys of loving and being loved.
THE HUMAN FAMILY
The four realms help to cultivate our heart to relate to our extended family and on into our social relationships. Eventually, based on your family experiences, we can exhibit altruistic, unselfish love toward all members of the human family. People who successfully complete the four realms of heart can develop a well-rounded, balanced character, able to relate comfortably with any kind of person. The family is the training ground for relating to the world. We should feel that people of all age groups are like our own immediate family. When we see an old man on the street, we should respect his as we would our own grandfather. When we see a middle-aged woman behind the cashier desk, we should treat her as we would our own mother or aunt; and when we see little children playing, we should feel concern for them as if they were our own younger brothers and sisters. Ideally, our family relationships should teach us how to embrace people of all races and nationalities as our own brothers and sisters. Rather than seeing them as nameless strangers, we can feel that, like us, they are someone’s parent, spouse, sibling, and child. The more embracing our love, the richer our life will be. As our family experiences contribute to the development of our emotional maturity, we are being led closer to our own true self: “the real me.”
Questions for Reflection
1. What are the values most strongly stressed in your family?
2. Can you remember any events that made you realize the importance of these values?
3. Do you think that these values are similar to those of other families?
4. Which values do you consider most important?
5. Do you think you will try to hand these values down to your own children? Why or why not?
6. How do you think things have changed compared to your parents’ and grandparents’ childhoods?
7. What does your family like to do together?
8. What does your family quarrel about the most?
9. What are the four realms of heart?
10. How are these four realms of heart shown in your family?
When we say we “respect” someone, it means that we see value in him or her and treat the person accordingly.
We may respect specific things but being respectful is also a general attitude toward other people that sees them as having value and good qualities in spite of their mistakes and faults. It means acting toward others as if each is worthy of good treatment.
A respectful person has a certain dignity because he or she affirms basic human worth. Therefore, if we want others to respect us, we should be respectful toward them, A disrespectful person has little dignity and therefore gets less respect back from others.
Respect: to treat someone or something as being valuable.
WHY IT’S SOMETIMES HARD TO RESPECT OTHERS
One main reason is that some people expect others to be and to act a certain way, and then are disappointed when they don’t live up to those expectations.
We don’t agree with their opinion or ideas.
Showing respect builds good relationships and helps our character growth.
Learning Respect
We learn about to form social relationships in our families. - we learn things like manners We also learn things from another’s point of view
Listening Well - A great Way to Show respect One of the best way to show respect is by being a good listener . in a classroom in a meeting in personal relationship
Listening means much more than just hearing the word. Listening involves being interested in the other person.
1. What are ways of showing respect for ourselves?
2. What are way of showing respect for others?
3. What is the relationship between respect and love?
4. Why do you think people so often show disrespect for one another?
5. How can you show respect to those with whom you disagree?
6. Even if you know you are right and the other person is wrong, how would you show respect towards this person?
7. What does a person have to do to gain your respect?
10. How should you act if you want others to respect you?
How do you feel when someone you care does something to lose your respect for him or her?
HUMAN SEXUALITY AND INTEGRITY
On TV, in movies, and in song, sex is shown as being something people get into pretty easily and without consequences. You usually don’t hear about disease, unwanted pregnancies, or the emotional and psychological damage that comes from sexual relationships in these stories. In real life, though, things are not simple. Sexuality has the potential to bring new life into the world in the form of a baby. It also has the potential to spread diseases and germs. Sexuality is also a deep part of the human personality. It is related to the mind and heart as well as to the body. Sex is very, very important and shouldn’t be treated lightly. Sex is the sense of our gender—male or female—is determined from the moment we come into being. Throughout life, everything we think, feel and do, we experience as a male or female. This is because our sexuality is a gift for differentiating and attracting men and women to one another. The masculine and feminine natures complement each other. Men and women experience balance, harmony, and completion through each other. Because this men and women sense a deep need for each other, of which sex is a part. Yet physical sex is not the end in itself and should not be separated from the deeper aspects of men and woman relating to one another on the levels of the mind and the heart.
RESPECTING OUR SEXUALITY
IN ORDER OF SEX TO HAVE A CONSTRUCTIVE, WONDERFUL ROLE IN OUR LIVES, WE NEED TO HAVE A DEEP RESPECT FOR ITS POWER AND UNDERSTAND THE PROPER PLACE AND TIME FOR IT. WHILE IN A PHYSICAL SENSE WE ALL GROW TO SEXUAL MATURITY WITHOUT ANY EFFORT—IT JUST HAPPENS—DOES THIS MEANS THAT WE HAVE THE EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, SOCIAL, AND SPIRITUAL MATURITY NEEDED TO HANDLE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP? NO. REACHING PUBERTY DOES NOT MEAN THAT WE ARE MATURE ENOUGH INSIDE TO HAVE SEX.
The following story illustrates the need for preparation and guidance before going ahead with something we may be physically, but not emotionally and mentally, ready for.
You are driving your father’s car through the center of the big city together with your twelve year old brother. Suddenly, he asks you to let him drive awhile. He has a strong desire to drive and, being tall for his age, he is physically able to do so. Very confidently he tells you not to worry, assuring you that he can handle it. But you know very well that he is not ready for this. He may kill himself, you, and someone else, too. If you really love your brother and care about his well-being, you won’t let him drive through the center of town. You know he risks having a car crash.
Are we sometimes like this twelve year old boy, thinking we are mature enough to do certain things because we are physically big enough, even though we aren’t really ready inside? With our heart pounding and our pulses racing, we can seem to approach the issue of sexuality the way the twelve year old is approaching driving car. While we may be physically able to have sex, that doesn’t mean we have the judgment, skills, and maturity to handle it without getting into a mental and emotional crash. In nature, nothing reproduces before it has completely matured. If you are given rosebud, you are given a promise of beauty. You can’t just rip it open and enjoy its fragrance, softness, and color immediately. If you did, you would ruin it. You can enjoy a rose if you keep it in a protected place and wait for it to unfold. Then it will share with you all its fragrance, color, and softness—all in its own time. In the same way, the beauty of sex can only be experienced after we have reached full maturity in our hearts and characters, not just in our bodies.
SEX AND LOVE
Sexual stimulation feels wonderful. It can feel like love, and we all want love. Yet sex and love are not the same thing. It is easy to get them mixed up. What exactly is the difference between sex and love? Sex, of course, is physical. Love is spiritual—it has to do with the mind and the heart. The only place where the two can come together is in marriage. Human sexuality is not just instinctual and uncontrollable, like an animal’s. Human sexuality involves though, emotion, social relationships, morality, and free will. For humans, sex is mean to be an expression of love for someone we have committed our life to rather than simple physical gratification or reproduction. If we try to use our sexuality only to gain physical satisfaction, eventually our minds and heart will suffer greatly from being left out of the equation. Sex alone can never substitute for love, nor can it be separated from love. If we have sex, hoping to find love, we certainly will be disappointed and hurt. Love has to come first, accompanied by trust, responsibility, and commitment. Through the act of sexual love, married couples give themselves to one another in body, mind, and heart. For married couples, sex is a sign of love and an exclusive right they share. Each values the other as the most important person in his or her life, as the marriage vows state: “till death us do part.” At the heart of sexual intercourse is the expression of love arising from a continuous, committed relationship. Sex is the expression of complete trust and security between two people linked in a profound and permanent way. Cut off from marriage, a sexual relationship is torn from its roots. Outside of marriage, the sexual act awakens that which is most intimate, sacred, and vulnerable in the human heart—without being able to fulfill the heart’s deepest desire. There is a longing deep within the human heart to be in a permanent relationship of complete love with a person of the opposite sex and to raise a family with that person. Sex awakens these desires, but, without the marriage relationship, it does not fulfill them. The result is emotional and psychological destruction.
SEXUAL INTEGRITY
Sexual integrity allows us the freedom to develop and strengthen our character so that we can experience the fullness of love when we are married. Integrity means completeness or wholeness. Wholeness involves unity between our mind and body, the balancing of all the parts of the self.
“Up on Fong Mountain”
In the story “Up on Fong Mountain” fifteen year old Jessie is being pressured by her boyfriend, B.D., to have sex with him.
In spite of the fact that she likes B.D. very much, Jessie has this to say about her sexual integrity:
“At this point in my life, the way I feel is—my body is my body. And I don’t care to share it with anyone. I don’t know totally why I feel that way, and I don’t think I have to know why. It’s just the way I feel. Sometimes in the morning I look at my self in the mirror and I feel proud. I look myself over and I think, hey, yeah, Jessie, that’s your body. Terrific!”
When B.D. pressures Jessie too much sexually and in other ways, the couple breaks up. This is painful for both of them. But Jessie’s sexual integrity causes B.D. to think over the way he has been treating her. He realizes he has been pushy in a lot of ways and the good relationships are built on cooperation, not just one person having his way all the time. In the end, B.D. decides to respect Jessie’s choices, and Jessie and B.D. are happier together because Jessie stood up for herself.
Sexual integrity creates order and beauty in one’s character and happiness in one’s life. It allows a person to develop the inner strength and skills needed for a lifetime for love. Marriage requires much more friendship than romance, and one who intends to marry someday needs to cultivate the art of friendship rather that sexual techniques. In comparison with sexual integrity, sexual impulsiveness and permissiveness distort a person’s character, leading a person to become extremely self-centered. Sexually permissiveness people are like starving people, surrounding wherever and whatever they can for food. It is as if within them there is an inner emptiness, a bottomless pit crying out to be filled. They are actually starving for love but they are trying to satisfy their hunger through sex. This only drives love further away, because they are hurting their minds and hearts, the places where love lives. The desire for oneness with another is a driving force in life. It is a strong desire of the heart. Our deepest desire is to experience total oneness with the person who is our marriage mate for life. Sex is the physical expression of this desire for oneness. Yet we cannot have this type of oneness with one person, then turn around and become one with another. This will rip us apart inside. One marital and sexual partner for life is the way to keep our integrity intact, so that we are better able to love and be loved for the whole of our live.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
1. What is the difference between sex and love? In what ways might they be the same?
2. What is the difference between animal and human sexuality?
3. How would you describe sexual maturity?
4. if you are a parent, how would you talk to your teenage child about the issue of sexuality and sexual desire?
5. How would you describe the spiritual, mental, emotional, and moral aspects of human sexuality?
6. Discuss freedom and responsibility in relation to sexuality.
7. Compare mature and immature sexual behavior
8. Is sex a need or desire?
9. Is love a need or desire?
10. With respect to sexuality, how can a person determine if the mind or the body is in control?
EXERCISE: “TV CRITIC”
You are a TV critic for your local newspapers. Think about an episode from your favorite TV program and write an article about it from the point of view of sexual integrity. Point out who was mature, who wasn’t, and what the consequences of each type of sexual behavior were. Point out what you think the consequences would be in real life.
REFLECTION EXERCISE” “SEXUAL INTEGRITY AND MUSIC”
Think of your favorite song or songs. Write down some of the lyrics that you remember. Now analyze the lyrics. Are there any phrases or words that have sexual meaning? What are these words telling people about sexuality? Is it encouraging listeners to be loose or to be careful about their sexuality? Does it express a connection between sex and marriage? Does it focus on the physical aspect of sex, or does it bring in romantic, moral or spiritual aspects? Was your song ever shown on video? If so and you’ve seen the video, try to analyze the actions, clothing, and movements in the video. What were saying about sex? What kind of values were they expressing?
THE CHALLENGE OF PURITY
Let’s begin by answering some of the questions that millions of teenagers ask. What is purity? What is modesty? How do you practice these things? What are some of the consequences if you don’t? how “far” should you go? What if you’ve already gone too far?
WHAT IS PURITY?
Purity means very simply to have sexual self—control—to stay within certain boundaries. The result of purity is inner peace and more self-respect. People who remain pure feel more free. They enjoy many things in life more because they are not focused in one thing—sex. Those teens who remain pure are more free to develop healthy friendships because they don’t have to play any kind of dating game. People who remain pure are like a breath of fresh air and burst of laughter. Even though the media would have you believe that having sex is the only important thing in the world, people who maintain their purity are actually having more fun than people who are engaging in illicit sexual relationships. The lives and hearts of people who remain pure are open to many wonderful adventures, and they have many heart-satisfying relationships. They are not dragged down into the emotional entanglement and confusion that premarital sex brings on. They are also free of the fear of disease and unwanted pregnancy. Being pure is a wonderful thing. Even in today’s world, people are practicing purity. In America, the birthplace of the Sexual Revolution, more and more teenagers are choosing to stay sexually pure. Why? Because they don’t want to experience the emotional suffering premarital sexual relationships can bring, with their lack of deep commitment and lack of mutual responsibility. They don’t want disease and unwanted pregnancies. They want true and lasting love—which only springs out of sexual purity. If we do give in to the temptation to have sex before marriage, even if it feels good for a while, we wind up feeling very muddied inside. When we then meet someone who is pure, we may feel ashamed of ourselves. The only way to avoid feeling ashamed it to stay pure in the first place. Another way to look at premarital sex is to think about what we wear each day. None of us would want to wear someone else’s stained, used clothes, yet premarital sexual relationships are similar to wearing stained, used, clothes, except that the stain is inside us. Maybe no one can see it, but the stain is still there. When we have lost our sexual purity, sooner or later we will definitely feel the difference, and we will regret our decision to have sex without marriage.
How do we protect our purity?
Sooner or later, we will face sexual temptation. What will we do then? We need to prepare for this moment by developing a pure mind, clean speech, modest dress, and virtuous actions. Otherwise, the temptation may be strong for us. How do we develop a pure mind? We have to stay away from the mind’s “junk food.” The mind is an amazing gift. It has the ability to take information and store it so we can use it later. However, the contents of our mind are not easily erased. What goes in stays. If we fill our mind with images of sexual passion, disobedience, rebellion, and violence, it is much more difficult to develop good character traits like being loving, considerate, and kind. What goes in is eventually reflected in our actions, speech, or attitudes. Think of a popular song or advertisement theme that you may have heard recently. After listening to it enough times, don’t you find yourself singing along with the music when you hear it on the radio? Doesn’t it sometimes play in your mind without even wanting it to? That is the power of the mind to absorb things. Or take speech. If you are around others who use dirty words and swear all the time, you eventually may speak in the same w3ay. The same is true for sexual images. If you surround yourself with sexual images or pornography, it doesn’t take long to begin to look at those around in a sexual way rather than as a loving, caring friend. How we speak also reflects the content of our mind. Telling a dirty joke simply says to others that we regard our sexuality—and theirs—very cheaply. Dressing immodestly sends a message “For Sale—cheap!” It looks like we don’t respect ourselves. So how will others respect us? How can we expect them to look at our minds and hearts—the most important parts of us—when we are advertising our bodies so loudly? Dressing immodestly also stimulates lustful desires in others. Even if we think we just look fashionable, if people of the opposite sex begin to express lust towards us, commenting on our clothes or bodies, than we need to think about wearing clothes that are less revealing. We want people to like us for who we are and what we are like inside—not because we are wearing jeans so tight they show every muscle. Virtuous actions would include avoiding being in temping situations. Sexual passion can flare up very quickly, so it is important to avoid being alone with a member of the opposite sex, especially in private or dark places. Don’t tempt fate by thinking you will only go so far and then stop. It gets harder and harder to stop once you’ve gotten started kissing, touching each other, French kissing, or holding each other very close. Many young people have though they could control themselves only to feel regret later that they gave in to their passion and had sex with someone
HOW IS PREMARITAL SEX LIKE A FROG IN HOT WATER?
Did you know that if you put a frog in a pot of water and heat the pot very slowly, you will soon have boiled, dead frog?
However, if you put a frog into a pot of water that is already boiling hot, the frog will jump out to safety.
The reason for this is that as the water heats up slowly by degrees, the frog doesn’t notice how hot it is getting until it is too late.
Sexual passion is like that. It heats up slowly, by degrees, until before you know what has happened, it is boiling hot and its is too late to jump away to safety.
Often we feel attracted to someone. Thinking that we can control ourselves and our half-formed emotions, we put ourselves in situation where we become closer and closer to that person. Before we know it, we are too close to pull away from the relationship, and we do something that we later regret. The best advice is: don’t start. Save all your touching, kissing, and holding each other for the love of your life. All that saved up passion will make your marriage wonderful! It’s like putting money in the bank for a rich future.
BUT WHAT IF IT IS LOVE?
Many teens ask, “What if you really in love with a person? What if you’re close and committed, and you’re almost married to them? Is sex okay, then?” well, do you know that 50% of engagements are broken? That’s a high percentage of people who taught they were really in love and “almost married.” What if older teens and even some adults tell you, “Its okay as long as you are in love”? but what is love? Most people even adults, are confused about what love is. It’s very hard to tell if it is infatuation or love. Sex in those situations, even if sincere, only multiplies the confusion.
NINE TIME OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST URGES SEXUAL PURITY Carl Lewis has been voted the Greatest Olympian of the 20th Century. Some think he is the greatest athlete of all time. Lewis won nine Olympic Gold Medals and one Silver Medal during his career as a sprinter and long jumper. Some people call him “King Carl”
During his career, Carl Lewis won sixty-five straight competitions in the long jump. He won his Olympic gold medal doing the long jump at the age of thirty-five. One commentator said that he defeated gravity, history, and getting older with that one great leap.
As a sprinter, Lewis was also fast that other runners sometimes felt like they were standing still compared to him. He won one of his Gold Medals by leaving the pack behind him by eight feet—a winning measure unheard of before in the Olympics.
At the 2004
Summer Olympics in Athens, Carl took time out of a busy schedule to address a large crowd of young people who were taking a “Purity Pledge”—vowing to remain sexually abstain until marriage. The crowd was gathered under the name of “True Love Waits,” meaning that true love waits until marriage to have sex.
Lewis urged young people to have the moral courage to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. He told them, “Set yourself apart in your group by being a leader and not giving in to what others are doing.”
This is great and appropriate message from a man who so often left the pack behind him as he ran or leaped to glory.
RENEWED PURITY
What if you have already gone too far? Sadly, many teens have done this. Thinking it was love, they went ahead and had sex, only to find some time later that they really didn’t love each other. Sometimes one of the partners decides this and suddenly “dumps” the other. The result? Heartbreak, regret, disillusionment, distrust of the opposite sex. Depression, and feeling used. Does it mean that everything is lost and that there is no way back?
Even if we make a mistake and go down a destructive path for a while, we can still recover some purity as long as we realize and admit our mistakes. In fact, the sooner we do, the better. Renewing purity is not as good as keeping it in the first place, but it is an excellent secondary choice if a person has lost his or her virginity. The person who makes this choice will enjoy many of the benefits of purity once he or she has been practicing it for some time. The essential; thing is to be honest. As a teenager, you do not have to suffer because of the sexually-cheapened culture you live in. with wisdom, courage, and patience, you can discover the true and lasting satisfaction that springs out of sexual purity—and become one of the growing numbers of teens who are saving sex for marriage and real love.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION
1. What is purity?
2. Why can we say that purity brings freedom? What kind of freedom is it?
3. What are some of the other benefits of purity?
4. What are some of the ways to stay pure?
5. How can premarital sex get in the way of learning about true love?
6. How can we develop a pure mind? Clean speech? Virtuous action?
7. What is renewed purity?
8. Is sex okay if you think you really love the other person but are still not married?
9. What are some of the dangers of engaging in a sexual relationship outside of marriage?
10. How might your choice either to be pure or to engage in pre-marital sex influence other parts of your life?
PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE
It might seem a bit early to start talking about marriage, but if you really think about it, it is not too early. You are preparing through school for the professional field you will enter: medicine, teaching, engineering, business, carpentry, etc., yet in terms of our ultimate happiness, marriage and family life is far more important than any profession. Shouldn’t we also be preparing for marriage with the same seriousness with which we are preparing for a career? The reality is that many couples jump into marriage, caught up in a dreamy romance like they see in the movies. They are walking on the clouds and feel no need for many kind of advice or preparation. It is difficult for them to believe that daily routine, little irritations, competing attractions, financial pressures, and natural tensions of family life could never eat away at their love and joy they feel now. They think this despite the reality of divorce and unhappy marriages all around them are in love, and isn’t that all that matters? In actuality, marriage will magnify whatever problems a couple tries to overlook in their present relationship and within themselves. The honeymoon always ends! Romantic dreams about marriage are often based on the expectation that your partner will be able to meet all your needs and desires for the rest of your life. People think that their partner will always be ready, able, and willing to perform for them. They think also:
that they will be happy at all times that there won’t be any conflicts they can’t manage that their physical relationship will be good and satisfying that if they have children, they will grow up without many problems that their love for each other will never change
It is good to have high expectations, but we also need to look at the reality of what it takes to make a good marriage. As Olympic Medalist Evgeni Plushenko said, when you embrace a dream, you have to embrace all the effort you will have to go through in order to make it come true.
It is unfortunate that there is little real training or guidance to prepare people for marriage. Because of this, people go into marriage not ready for the difficulties. When difficulties do arise, they imagine that there is something wrong with them, with their partner, or with the relationship. There is little guidance about how to deal with such difficulties in a constructive way, so people often choose to divorce. To prevent that, it is best to learn about and prepare for marriage beforehand.
CHOOSING A SPOUSE
Choosing a spouse is the most important decision you will ever make. In past it was common for parents to choose their children’s spouses, and it is still common in some cultures today. The parents look for someone whose personality, character traits, and family ties would provide a good complement for their child. It has not been considered necessary that the young couple “fall in love” right away. It has been believed that if both partners tried hard enough and were good and virtuous people, love would grow up between them naturally. Many marriages made like this were indeed lasting and happy. Today, in most parts of the world, this has been replaced by dating or courtship in which the young person more and more, the relationship may lead to marriage. Courtship often lasts one or two years. During this time there is a constant evaluation and re-evaluation of values, viewpoints and mutual compatibility. The process is important because the quality of the courtship will influence the outcome of the marriage. Often the parents are involved in advising or providing opportunities and places to meet during the courtship. Although love may blossom during courtship, it is only in a committed marriage the love comes in full blooms as the couple invest themselves totally in the relationship. Only then does a couple come to really know and understand each other, developing a deep harmony. Therefore, love can come whether a marriage is based on the couple finding one another on their own and courting or whether the couple is introduced by the parents, a religious leader, or by the community.
THE COURTSHIP OF CHRISTOPHER AND CINDY
“When I was a bachelor, I joined a local church. An older couple in the church was very friendly to me. They told me they had a daughter, Cindy, about my age, who wasn’t married. They said she was working in another state, but she often come home for a visit on weekends. Then they invited me to their house for desert one of the nights Cindy was home. I knew they were hoping we’d like each other. We did.
I started coming over to her parents’ house on weekends, and Cindy and I would sit in the living room or on the porch and have popcorn or cake together. Her parents were always in the next room. We got to know each other pretty well just through talking and playing board games and watching TV. After a year or so of this, it just seemed natural that we would be together for the rest of our lives. So I proposed and she accepted! Boy, were her parents happy!”
“Dating” is a little different than courtship. While courtship is done for the purpose of selecting a future spouse and starts when couple seriously considers marrying and becoming partners for life, dating is though of as being more for “fun,” and it is more casual. It is more passionate at times and involves less thoughtful consideration of the person as future spouse. Unlike courtship, dating does not necessary involve thoughts of marriage. It has been said that, rather than preparing young people for marriage, dating prepares people for divorce! This is because typically in dating a couple develops an intimate relationship before there is any thought of marriage. When they eventually break up because there was never any real commitment on either side, this sets a pattern for relationships with the opposite sex—quick intimacy and then break-up. On dates, couples usually look as attractive as they can for one another and spend time only with one another. They go out and do “fun” or satisfying things and see each other only at their best in a setting designed to give them pleasure. It is easy, then, feel a strong pull toward sexual intimacy. But do they really know each other? The truth is that it is not easy to truly get to know—let alone be truly love—another person. It takes time and care and the wisdom of previous generations to guide us. Courtship generally falls under some supervision by parents. It is understood by member of both families that the couple is at least considering marriage; the couple interacts under more natural circumstances than on a date—they may meet in one another’s family homes, accompany one another on family outings, and attend group get-togethers with one another. They are able to see the other interacting with a family or extended family group in a more natural way and in settings they will likely find themselves in during their marriage. What to look for in s potential spouse is also an important consideration, no matter how the candidate enters a person’s life. We should learn what qualities are present in a loving person and how these are developed. We can start by looking at the qualities of people whom we respect and admire. Then we can look to see if these same qualities are in a potential spouse. It is said that the most important thing in finding a good spouse is becoming a person who will be a good spouse yourself. We can think that qualities we would like our future spouse to have, and then focus on developing these qualities in ourselves. Every person has the potential to be a loving person, but not without sincere effort. If we do this, when the time comes and we meet our eventual spouse, he or she will recognize in us the kind of person who is desirable to marry.
PRACTICAL WAYS TO PREPARE FOR MARRIAGE
What are some practical ways for us to prepare for marriage? First, it is helpful to know the common points of conflict among married couples. If we can understand these and the reasons for them, we can take steps to head off potential trouble spots before they happen. Experts say that these common trouble spots are: sex, money, raising children and in-laws.
SEX
Because of differences between men and women, conflicts and misunderstandings often occur over the issue of sex in marriage. Men tend to have a stronger sex drive as are easily excited, whereas women take longer to get excited. Men are stimulated by the simple appearance of a woman’s body, while women are more stimulated when the man shows real love and affection. For most men, sex is primarily a physical event: for women it is most emotional. It is important to understand this and realize that, in marriage each partner brings a sexual attitude that gives the relationship the potential to be deeply satisfying on the mental, emotional, and physical sides. Appreciating and sympathizing with the opposite sex’s point of view is a step toward future harmony on these issues. Scientists have found that people who are virgins before marriage experience greater sexual and romantic satisfaction in their marriage. It is also important that sex be special, exclusive relationship between married couple so that they do not compare one another to past partners but are free to explore the joys of a loving, committed, sexual relationship only with one another. Preserving your virginity—whether you are a boy or girl—will help cut down on sexual problems during marriage. It also gives you the moral strength to resist improper sexual relationships once you are married, for you will surely be attracted to other people at times. Adultery is a major destroyer of marriages, so practicing self-control now will give you strength to keep sex within your marriage, and keep your marriage happy.
MONEY
THIS IS ANOTHER AREA OF CONFLICT FOR MANY MARRIED COUPLE, AS IT IS VERY EASY TO BE EITHER TOO FREE OR TOO MISERLY WITH MONEY. IF HUSBAND OR WIFE HAS MEMORIES FROM CHILDHOOD OF BEING POOR, DEEP INSECURITIES MAY HAVE DEVELOPED IN CONNECTION WITH MONEY, leading to emotional conflicts. If a spouse came from a wealthy family, he or she may be too casual about money. Whether we grew up wealthy or in poverty or somewhere in between, it is important to learn how to handle money responsibly. We should know how to keep tact of the money we spend, and to learn the difference between spending on needs and spending on wants and luxuries. Here again we must learn-self-control, this time in relation to our desire for things, se spend our money on what is important.
THE FAMILY AS A SCHOOL OF LOVE
What is the most valuable things to us? Our education? Freedom? Money? TV or our CD player? All these may be important, but for most people, none of these is more valuable than their family. Why do we care about our families so much? Why is love so important to us? It is because we are creatures of love. Our family relationships are the first, closest, and probably the most enduring love relationships we will have in our lives. The bonds we have with our parents, brothers and sisters, and eventual spouse make the foundation for our life, and they shape who we become as a person. Through these relationships we learn the most about true-love for the sake of others. Although we love our family, we know at the same time that difficulties sometimes occur in our daily living with each other. When we are struggling with something, we may take out our frustrations on our family. At other times, although we know they love us, we can feel oppressed by our parent’s demand and expectations. Some people don’t experience support from their families, or they grow up in broken families. Teenagers often find it difficult to communicate and express themselves freely at home. Sometimes parents and teens find themselves out of touch with each other. Family life is rarely—if—ever—perfect. Yet even an average family is the best place to learn important lessons about love.
THE FOUR REALMS OF HEART
The family is meant to function as a “school of love.” Through our family relationships we can experience and learn what love is all about. We do this by developing our heart through four main stages that proceed in an orderly development. Each of these stages leads us from being centered upon our own needs and desires to being more and more centered upon the needs and desires of others—in other words, more and more capable of true love. Since everyone begins life as a child, we first develop our hearts from this position in relationship to our parents. As we grow older, we develop our hearts through our relationships of love with brothers and sisters and friends as well as our parents. As we mature into adulthood, a new real of heart opens up when we marry. Finally, when we have our own children, we experience a parental heart. These are the four types of heart or “realms” of heart through which each of us learns how to give and receive love: the children’s realm, the siblings’ realm, the spouse’s realms, and the parents’ realm of heart. Just as we cannot attend high school until we complete the lower grades, we will not able to love properly in the later realms if we do not succeed in love in the earlier realms. For example, we cannot expect to become good husband and wives unless we have first learned to be good friends with our peers and good brothers and sisters. Let us explore the significance and progression of love in each of the four realms of heart more deeply.
CHILDREN’S REALM
A child’s love is a love that responds to care. A child is naturally self-centered, focused on his or her own needs and desires. He or she wants to be fed, clothed, kept warm and secure, talked to and paid attention to. However, parents would not complain that their child is selfish; they understand that the child is still in a state of immaturity. Their child’s needs and helplessness move the parents’ hearts to embrace and care for the child. Their rewards are the smiles, happy sounds, embraces, and general responsiveness of a loved, as well-cared for child. As a child grows, his or her ability to respond to the parents’ love ripens into taking responsibility in ways that earn the parents, approval. The child learns to tie his or her own shoes, to dress, to use the bathroom properly, to put away toys, to not hit or hurt others, property of pets. The child is rewarded for learning these small responsibilities by the parents’ praise. Each small responsibility is a tiny step toward true love—love that is more concerned with the needs and desires of others rather than only one’s own.
SIBLINGS’REALM
In siblings relationships the heart’s ability to share grows. Now the child not only look up to the parents with love, the child must look side to side to the others who are around him of her. The parents want their child to value and treat these other as well. The child must share the parents, the home, food, resources, and toys with siblings. The child must learn to wait for his or her turn. This stretches the child’s abilities to love. In the process of learning to love brothers and sisters, classmates, and friends, children learn such virtues as honesty, fairness, cooperation, and patience. As we enter our teenage years, our challenge is to learn to control our emotional impulses toward others—feelings of anger, jealousy, greed, impatience, desire, and the desire to merge our identities into those of others. These is necessary if we are to become people of integrity and self-respect. Keeping purity is our relationships with the opposite sex is also essential if we are to continue to develop our hearts in a healthy direction. All of this is in preparation for meeting our future spouse, so that relationship may be one of unselfish sharing and consideration of the other’s needs over and above our own.
SPOUSE’S REALM
A SPOUSE IS AS “OTHER” AS SOMEONE CAN BE. HE OR SHE IS THE OPPOSITE SEX, WHICH MEANS PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND EMOTIONAL DIFFERENCES. As was pointed out in the Preparation for Marriage chapter, even men and women’s approaches to sex are different. On the foundation of the earlier realms, which have taught us to love others, we are ready to share the deepest parts of our lives and ourselves with someone who is fundamentally different than we are—truly “other.” Marriage requires intense sharing of finances, space, duties, thoughts, emotions, and our physical selves. It requires sharing new relatives and responsibilities. It is something that stretches us further and further away from self-centeredness to other-centeredness. In a marriage, we may play diverse roles. Sometimes our spouse needs us to be friend, a brother or sister, a parent, even a delightful child. We can be to each other whatever the occasion requires, using the relationships we have learned in the past to enrich this most significant, lifelong, one. This unique and intimate relationship between two people who are so different is the foundation for the highest and ultimate realm of heart—the parent’s realm.
PARENT’S REALM
When a husband and wife give birth to a child, the last realm of heart is opened up. The nature of a parent’s heart is to provide the child with everything he or she needs, even at a sacrifice of the self. This involves loving another person without expecting anything in return. The parental real is the most unselfish realm. Loving parents give and forget that they gave, and are ready to give again. If a child is sick, parents will stay up all night to take care of the child. They will give up their own food to nourish the child. They will do without whatever they need themselves so the child can have more. Parents invest in a child, hoping that their child will be better than they were. They want the child to grow and achieve things they never could, to enjoy life and love to the fullest in ways they could not. True and genuine parents want their child to be smarter, more creative, more loving, and more resourceful than themselves, and they work hard to give the child opportunities to become so. This is love that is utterly focused on the benefit and well-being of another—the highest form of true love.
An extension of parental love is grandparental love. The position of grandparents is truly a royal one. In general, by this time of life, grandparents are released from the need to earn a living and can spend their time loving their families as unconditionally as possible. The parents and grandchildren honor them as the elders in the family and value their contributions. Their years of experience have given them much wisdom with which to guide and protect the family. Having labored over their lifetimes to raise and nurture a family, they can now fully give themselves over to the joys of loving and being loved.
THE HUMAN FAMILY
The four realms help to cultivate our heart to relate to our extended family and on into our social relationships. Eventually, based on your family experiences, we can exhibit altruistic, unselfish love toward all members of the human family. People who successfully complete the four realms of heart can develop a well-rounded, balanced character, able to relate comfortably with any kind of person. The family is the training ground for relating to the world. We should feel that people of all age groups are like our own immediate family. When we see an old man on the street, we should respect his as we would our own grandfather. When we see a middle-aged woman behind the cashier desk, we should treat her as we would our own mother or aunt; and when we see little children playing, we should feel concern for them as if they were our own younger brothers and sisters. Ideally, our family relationships should teach us how to embrace people of all races and nationalities as our own brothers and sisters. Rather than seeing them as nameless strangers, we can feel that, like us, they are someone’s parent, spouse, sibling, and child. The more embracing our love, the richer our life will be. As our family experiences contribute to the development of our emotional maturity, we are being led closer to our own true self: “the real me.”
Questions for Reflection
1. What are the values most strongly stressed in your family?
2. Can you remember any events that made you realize the importance of these values?
3. Do you think that these values are similar to those of other families?
4. Which values do you consider most important?
5. Do you think you will try to hand these values down to your own children? Why or why not?
6. How do you think things have changed compared to your parents’ and grandparents’ childhoods?
7. What does your family like to do together?
8. What does your family quarrel about the most?
9. What are the four realms of heart?
10. How are these four realms of heart shown in your family?
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