In My Hands

“In my hands”, that’s what I’m going to do I tell myself, I’m taking this matter into my own hands. I can’t do it anymore; I can’t pretend this isn’t happening. Not anymore. All at once it hits me like a rock to the face, gut and heart. I hear his voice again, I start to quiver I want to run and hide but I know that won’t work, he will find me. He always finds me. Should I scream? What do I do? If I don’t go he will beat me, and I don’t want to hurt any more than I have to. “I’m coming I called “and I was off to play a new game. A game that I knew was wrong, I knew wasn’t going to feel good. I’m scared. As I walked towards his room, I thought of everything I could to get out of playing these games. He calls for me again; I know he is getting impatient And angry now, I better move it along so it won’t hurt so much. As my brother explains that this is a new game, I couldn’t imagine what could be next. All the games have been “new” and they were all equally as bad. I began to cry, he hates it when I cry he gets angry, yells and hits me. “Shut up!” he screams. I stop knowing the punishment if I didn’t. As he tells me to undress he starts to smile, I’m all of eight years old and Terrified of my own brother, my protector, and my family. I am not smiling I’m slowly dying Inside and don’t know what to do. I go along with it; I don’t think he thought he was doing anything wrong, he liked it too much. As he does unspeakable acts to me he laughs and calls me names, he’s only eleven, how does he know this stuff? These acts continued for a few months and stopped, they just stopped. To this day I don’t know why, I still can’t explain it to myself. What I do know is I was weak, all thoughts and no action. That was until later in life. At seventeen I moved out and married a man twenty years my senior and in retrospect this man was also a child molester. But I will never forget the moment he asked me why I had

such hate and resentments towards