Letter Of Advice: Barriers To Interpersonal Communication
Letter of Advice
Sabrina Whitmer
COM 200 Interpersonal Communication
Doctor Lisa Rollins
May 21, 2013
Letter of Advice
Dear James and Alison, Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I am happy and honored that you have asked me for my advice on how to communicate well within a marriage. In this letter of advisement I will focus on what I believe to be the top five issues. The issues are as follows; self-disclosure in relationships, barriers to effective interpersonal interactions, strategies for active, critical, and empathic listening, , emotional intelligence and strategies for managing interpersonal conflicts. First and foremost to have a happy marriage there has to be a good …show more content…
foundation. You will need love, friendship and trust. As long as you have these you can improve upon and learn all the rest from yours and other’s experiences.
Self-Disclosure Self-disclosure is the first step after you meet, and is how you determine whether or not you want the relationship to go any further and if so where. Self-disclosure is a process which each person has control over and the power for it to go slow or fast. Sometimes it can be scary to reveal your “self” to another person. Self-disclosure or how much of your inner person you decide to share with another is a risky, yet necessary, part of building and maintaining healthy a marriage. We always wonder how much of us to disclose and when the time is right to share our deeper selves with others. Maintaining a balanced approach to relationships can be the most effective way to assure a healthy and happy marriage (Timchak, n.d.). Only by trial and error do we find the balance between how much of ourselves and how little of ourselves to disclose (Timchak, n.d). Married couples have expectations as individuals and as couples, and these are learned through self-disclosure. This is where couples find the balance they look for. Self-disclosure in marriage is a wonderful journey for both of you to always be learning exciting things about each other. Identifying Barriers Identifying the barriers to effective interpersonal interactions is a necessary skill to learn in the beginning of a marriage, and can alleviate many miscommunications later down the road. It is not good for you and your partner to make assumptions about each other. Sometimes we can be insensitive or lack empathy when it comes to our partners feelings. Couples should avoid labeling and judging one another. Silence is not golden in a marriage, or in other words the silent treatment. Last but not least do not placate or play games (ulterior motives) with each other as this can be very negative when it comes to communicating. In order to cope with fears we often make assumptions about what is going on with our spouse.
Even if sometimes our assumptions are correct, communication can break down further when they are not. It is important to test the accuracy of our assumptions, so there should be proof or an admission. Insensitivity, or lack of empathy, is the failure to accurately perceive the feelings of others. Insensitivity is often caused by being preoccupied, Lack of awareness, poor listening skills, and the need to draw attention to one’s self (Firstein, 2010). According to Firstein (2010) "Labeling and judging are methods for creating mental order and gaining control over emotions. Labeling can be disabling, as is the case when communication is marked by putdowns and name calling." (para. 6) Refusing to talk with your partner is frequently a means of controlling them or gaining power in a relationship. Placating your partner refers to a variety of strategies to calm them or to keep from "rocking the boat." Playing games is a dysfunctional way of communicating, and is a negative example of interacting that can develop between couples. Most of the time, the couple is unaware that they are "playing the game"; they have merely developed a pattern of interacting that is not constructive or useful in growing the relationship (Sole K, …show more content…
2011). The process of building a relationship with someone is not always smooth and unproblematic.
Communication problems can arise that disturb the relationship or even cause its termination (Sole K, 2011). Learn to be kind to one another. If you and your partner will learn a few simple things you can avoid all these barriers. Learn to be still as the Eagles say in their song, still not silent, this is important so that each of you can listen and give feedback to one another. Share back and forth with questions and answers. Strategies for Active, Critical, and Empathic Listening Couples need to have a plan for a strategy for active, critical, and empathic listening. We hear sometimes but don’t really listen. People need to pay attention to each other. Always get rid of the external noise around you, look face to face with each other. Make eye contact, and look for non verbal communication, such as a smile, tears, and a frown. Do not interrupt each other, because it interferes with listing skills and that makes it hard to fairly interpret the message. Listen with feeling and be aware of your own non verbal communications. Try sitting face to face with your spouse and holding hands while
speaking.
There is a way to be what we call an active listener. Interpersonal communication with our partner is a process in which both of you are active participants, information is flowing between the both of you, and the communication takes place to meet the needs of both of you, and both of you are mutually responsible for the creation of meaning. The final critical communication competency is the ability to understand what constitutes ethical communication and to make moral choices in communication with others including our mates. Listen empathically, you should make a conscious attempt to connect with another person and put yourself in his or her shoes so to speak and provide a supportive listening environment (Sole K, 2011).
Actively pay attention and listen. Ask questions if you are not clear on the message. Offer feedback to avoid miscommunications. Work through the three stages of listing which are sensing, processing, and responding. Looks directly at you mate while listening to them be sure to look as though you are actually open to what they are saying. Put away all noise such as cell phone, music, television and such things (Whitbourne, 2013).
One of the most important skills in communications is being a good listener. It is a hard skill but achievable with time and experience, patience, and practice. Remember to be kind and treat your spouse as you would like to be treated, and strive to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Short but true, there is an old cliché “You Feel Me”. Marriage is beautiful, rewarding, and a lot of work. In a good marriage the two of you must find the balance. Each partner must be willing to give and take in all areas and aspects of the relationship. Every marriage is different and there is no manual or how-to-guide to make things work out. Each relationship will have ups and downs and both of you will learn valuable lessons along the way.
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence in Relationships can seem easy at times and very difficult at other times. Emotions can change from day to day and moment to moment. They can change with each situation especially if under stress or in emotionally charged situations. How we handle these situations is very important as to how we choose to or learn to handle our emotions, because how we do so affects how we handle our communications with others.
Whether or not you can understand, communicate, and manage emotions and feelings, as well as your ability to understand and respond to the feelings of others and or your spouse, will indicate your level of emotional intelligence (EI). EI involves making good judgments about when to deal with yours and your spouse’s emotions and when to put them on hold. When you have good emotional health you are able to be secure in your feelings, which means that you are less likely to be thrown off balance by your interactions with other people including your spouse. Good Emotional health allows you to stay in touch with your own feelings while being exposed to the feelings of others (Sole K, 2011). Effective and healthy communication is the key in supporting the longevity of a relationship. Building emotional intelligence skills boosts people skills and helps enrich your relationship with your spouse. Five steps or tools if you will are that are very useful; Managing Stress, Emotions, Nonverbal Communication, Humor, and Conflict Resolution (Stephenson, 2007). You and your mate must let go of negative thoughts. Every positive and negative feeling you have is a direct result of your thoughts and your interpretation of circumstances. You and your spouse can change these feelings by changing both your thoughts and interpretations (Sole K, 2011). We all have good days and bad days; it is all a matter of attitude as to finding the balance, so the good outweighs the bad. Mood is all about perception of vision. Do you see your glass as half empty or half full or we could be just happy and have a positive attitude that we have a glass, because so many don’t. It's healthy to voice your frustrations or opinions in a calm manner but let it go afterwards. Every disagreement doesn't have to involve an intense battle.
Strategies for Managing Interpersonal Conflicts Lastly but defiantly not least lets address strategies for managing interpersonal conflicts. My mother and your grandmother always told me “always choose your battles” and it has always worked for me and your Uncle Mike. Both parties have to be willing to communicate, and have an open mind. Sometimes there is a certain phrase, word that may upset or hurt your partner. Be sure to always take a step back when having an argument or conversation and try not to use those phrases or words because you don’t want your partner to feel like they’re being attacked.
You have to be willing to comprise because then you both come out as winners. Express and discuss your ideas of resolution with an open, loving and caring mind with love. It is best to remember that conflict is natural and bound to occur in any relationship. Don’t avoid conflict; it is very productive to resolve differences as rapidly and constructively as possible. Positive emotions are important to conflict resolution, using humor in a conflict situation, by reminding the other person how much you care for him or her, teasing each other, or making a nonverbal show of affection for the other person such as a spontaneously hugging him or her are also methods you might use to de-escalate conflict and to resolve problems. Let your knowledge of the other person and how he or she might react to such displays should direct whether you use any of these methods. Remember the positive things about your relationship and staying positive in your remarks when you are in conflict can often allow you to work out differences and have a mutually satisfying resolution and or compromise that preserve’s a happy relationship. It is good practice to try to prevent conflict by using interpersonal communication skills and increasing your awareness of your own communication behaviors. Do not unconsciously or consciously using threatening language, this can cause conflict. Do not use nonverbal behavior such as coming across as domineering or overbearing. Try not to get overly emotional during conflict situations (Sole K, 2011). Pay attention and modify your behavior when needed, be sure and check your perceptions of the other. Always practice effective listening skills, and using the skills of emotional intelligence can all be useful means of preventing or diminishing conflict. Resist the temptation to judge the other when you feel they are not communicating as well as you would like and try to be tolerant and accepting of the behavior of the other when they explain things in more detail than you need, they talk too slowly, or they ramble (Sole K, 2011). There is a strategy that Orbuch recently wrote about in her research called “ 5 Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to great” where she says to consider setting aside ten minutes a day for quality conversation, and this will become part of our own strategy from now on also (Schoenberg, 2011). It stands to reason that good communication skills are a very important part of a long and happy marriage. Learning and practicing how to manage interpersonal conflicts within your relationship is a good beginning. Conclusion I would like to reiterate how happy I am on your upcoming marriage, and how glad I am for the both of you. I am happy that the two of you have found each other. I hope the both of you will find the information contained within this letter to be helpful and it will help to enrich your marriage. The both of you will find there are many learning thresholds, I have only outlined the ones I consider to be the top five out of many. I know you will be able to approach the barriers together. You will learn the strategies for active, critical and empathic listening. Since you met you have been learning self-disclosure and will continue this technique throughout your marriage. It will come to both of you in time how to read each other’s emotions and your own and how to use that to benefit your marriage and yourselves. My hope is you will not have many conflicts, but that when you do you choose your battles carefully, and manage them with grace and kindness. Make your foundation and approach it slowly to avoid the cracks. You have love, friendship and trust, and work to never lose any of these. When you have these and are not afraid of change you can improve upon and learn all the rest from others experiences and from others who love you.
All my Love,
Aunt Sabrina
References
Schoenberg, N. (2011, January 17). Can we talk? Researcher talks about the role of
communication in happy marriages. McClatchy-Tribune News Service. doi: 2240370261
Sole K, (2011) Making Connections. Understanding Interpersonal Communication San Diego,
CA: Bridgepoint Education, Inc. https://content.ashford.edu/books/AUCOM200.11.1
Stephenson, K. (2007). Emotional Intelligence in Relationships. Retrieved from
http://suite101.com/article/emotional-intelligence-in-relationships-a85775
Timchak, R. M. (n.d.). Self-Disclosure and Relationships. Retrieved from
http://www.albahouse.org/art7dec8.htm
Whitbourne, S. K. (2013). 11 Ways That Active Listening Can Help Your Relationships.
Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201203/11-
ways-active-listening-can-help-your-relationships
Sabrina Whitmer
COM 200 Interpersonal Communication
Doctor Lisa Rollins
May 21, 2013
Letter of Advice
Dear James and Alison, Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I am happy and honored that you have asked me for my advice on how to communicate well within a marriage. In this letter of advisement I will focus on what I believe to be the top five issues. The issues are as follows; self-disclosure in relationships, barriers to effective interpersonal interactions, strategies for active, critical, and empathic listening, , emotional intelligence and strategies for managing interpersonal conflicts. First and foremost to have a happy marriage there has to be a good …show more content…
foundation. You will need love, friendship and trust. As long as you have these you can improve upon and learn all the rest from yours and other’s experiences.
Self-Disclosure Self-disclosure is the first step after you meet, and is how you determine whether or not you want the relationship to go any further and if so where. Self-disclosure is a process which each person has control over and the power for it to go slow or fast. Sometimes it can be scary to reveal your “self” to another person. Self-disclosure or how much of your inner person you decide to share with another is a risky, yet necessary, part of building and maintaining healthy a marriage. We always wonder how much of us to disclose and when the time is right to share our deeper selves with others. Maintaining a balanced approach to relationships can be the most effective way to assure a healthy and happy marriage (Timchak, n.d.). Only by trial and error do we find the balance between how much of ourselves and how little of ourselves to disclose (Timchak, n.d). Married couples have expectations as individuals and as couples, and these are learned through self-disclosure. This is where couples find the balance they look for. Self-disclosure in marriage is a wonderful journey for both of you to always be learning exciting things about each other. Identifying Barriers Identifying the barriers to effective interpersonal interactions is a necessary skill to learn in the beginning of a marriage, and can alleviate many miscommunications later down the road. It is not good for you and your partner to make assumptions about each other. Sometimes we can be insensitive or lack empathy when it comes to our partners feelings. Couples should avoid labeling and judging one another. Silence is not golden in a marriage, or in other words the silent treatment. Last but not least do not placate or play games (ulterior motives) with each other as this can be very negative when it comes to communicating. In order to cope with fears we often make assumptions about what is going on with our spouse.
Even if sometimes our assumptions are correct, communication can break down further when they are not. It is important to test the accuracy of our assumptions, so there should be proof or an admission. Insensitivity, or lack of empathy, is the failure to accurately perceive the feelings of others. Insensitivity is often caused by being preoccupied, Lack of awareness, poor listening skills, and the need to draw attention to one’s self (Firstein, 2010). According to Firstein (2010) "Labeling and judging are methods for creating mental order and gaining control over emotions. Labeling can be disabling, as is the case when communication is marked by putdowns and name calling." (para. 6) Refusing to talk with your partner is frequently a means of controlling them or gaining power in a relationship. Placating your partner refers to a variety of strategies to calm them or to keep from "rocking the boat." Playing games is a dysfunctional way of communicating, and is a negative example of interacting that can develop between couples. Most of the time, the couple is unaware that they are "playing the game"; they have merely developed a pattern of interacting that is not constructive or useful in growing the relationship (Sole K, …show more content…
2011). The process of building a relationship with someone is not always smooth and unproblematic.
Communication problems can arise that disturb the relationship or even cause its termination (Sole K, 2011). Learn to be kind to one another. If you and your partner will learn a few simple things you can avoid all these barriers. Learn to be still as the Eagles say in their song, still not silent, this is important so that each of you can listen and give feedback to one another. Share back and forth with questions and answers. Strategies for Active, Critical, and Empathic Listening Couples need to have a plan for a strategy for active, critical, and empathic listening. We hear sometimes but don’t really listen. People need to pay attention to each other. Always get rid of the external noise around you, look face to face with each other. Make eye contact, and look for non verbal communication, such as a smile, tears, and a frown. Do not interrupt each other, because it interferes with listing skills and that makes it hard to fairly interpret the message. Listen with feeling and be aware of your own non verbal communications. Try sitting face to face with your spouse and holding hands while
speaking.
There is a way to be what we call an active listener. Interpersonal communication with our partner is a process in which both of you are active participants, information is flowing between the both of you, and the communication takes place to meet the needs of both of you, and both of you are mutually responsible for the creation of meaning. The final critical communication competency is the ability to understand what constitutes ethical communication and to make moral choices in communication with others including our mates. Listen empathically, you should make a conscious attempt to connect with another person and put yourself in his or her shoes so to speak and provide a supportive listening environment (Sole K, 2011).
Actively pay attention and listen. Ask questions if you are not clear on the message. Offer feedback to avoid miscommunications. Work through the three stages of listing which are sensing, processing, and responding. Looks directly at you mate while listening to them be sure to look as though you are actually open to what they are saying. Put away all noise such as cell phone, music, television and such things (Whitbourne, 2013).
One of the most important skills in communications is being a good listener. It is a hard skill but achievable with time and experience, patience, and practice. Remember to be kind and treat your spouse as you would like to be treated, and strive to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Short but true, there is an old cliché “You Feel Me”. Marriage is beautiful, rewarding, and a lot of work. In a good marriage the two of you must find the balance. Each partner must be willing to give and take in all areas and aspects of the relationship. Every marriage is different and there is no manual or how-to-guide to make things work out. Each relationship will have ups and downs and both of you will learn valuable lessons along the way.
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence in Relationships can seem easy at times and very difficult at other times. Emotions can change from day to day and moment to moment. They can change with each situation especially if under stress or in emotionally charged situations. How we handle these situations is very important as to how we choose to or learn to handle our emotions, because how we do so affects how we handle our communications with others.
Whether or not you can understand, communicate, and manage emotions and feelings, as well as your ability to understand and respond to the feelings of others and or your spouse, will indicate your level of emotional intelligence (EI). EI involves making good judgments about when to deal with yours and your spouse’s emotions and when to put them on hold. When you have good emotional health you are able to be secure in your feelings, which means that you are less likely to be thrown off balance by your interactions with other people including your spouse. Good Emotional health allows you to stay in touch with your own feelings while being exposed to the feelings of others (Sole K, 2011). Effective and healthy communication is the key in supporting the longevity of a relationship. Building emotional intelligence skills boosts people skills and helps enrich your relationship with your spouse. Five steps or tools if you will are that are very useful; Managing Stress, Emotions, Nonverbal Communication, Humor, and Conflict Resolution (Stephenson, 2007). You and your mate must let go of negative thoughts. Every positive and negative feeling you have is a direct result of your thoughts and your interpretation of circumstances. You and your spouse can change these feelings by changing both your thoughts and interpretations (Sole K, 2011). We all have good days and bad days; it is all a matter of attitude as to finding the balance, so the good outweighs the bad. Mood is all about perception of vision. Do you see your glass as half empty or half full or we could be just happy and have a positive attitude that we have a glass, because so many don’t. It's healthy to voice your frustrations or opinions in a calm manner but let it go afterwards. Every disagreement doesn't have to involve an intense battle.
Strategies for Managing Interpersonal Conflicts Lastly but defiantly not least lets address strategies for managing interpersonal conflicts. My mother and your grandmother always told me “always choose your battles” and it has always worked for me and your Uncle Mike. Both parties have to be willing to communicate, and have an open mind. Sometimes there is a certain phrase, word that may upset or hurt your partner. Be sure to always take a step back when having an argument or conversation and try not to use those phrases or words because you don’t want your partner to feel like they’re being attacked.
You have to be willing to comprise because then you both come out as winners. Express and discuss your ideas of resolution with an open, loving and caring mind with love. It is best to remember that conflict is natural and bound to occur in any relationship. Don’t avoid conflict; it is very productive to resolve differences as rapidly and constructively as possible. Positive emotions are important to conflict resolution, using humor in a conflict situation, by reminding the other person how much you care for him or her, teasing each other, or making a nonverbal show of affection for the other person such as a spontaneously hugging him or her are also methods you might use to de-escalate conflict and to resolve problems. Let your knowledge of the other person and how he or she might react to such displays should direct whether you use any of these methods. Remember the positive things about your relationship and staying positive in your remarks when you are in conflict can often allow you to work out differences and have a mutually satisfying resolution and or compromise that preserve’s a happy relationship. It is good practice to try to prevent conflict by using interpersonal communication skills and increasing your awareness of your own communication behaviors. Do not unconsciously or consciously using threatening language, this can cause conflict. Do not use nonverbal behavior such as coming across as domineering or overbearing. Try not to get overly emotional during conflict situations (Sole K, 2011). Pay attention and modify your behavior when needed, be sure and check your perceptions of the other. Always practice effective listening skills, and using the skills of emotional intelligence can all be useful means of preventing or diminishing conflict. Resist the temptation to judge the other when you feel they are not communicating as well as you would like and try to be tolerant and accepting of the behavior of the other when they explain things in more detail than you need, they talk too slowly, or they ramble (Sole K, 2011). There is a strategy that Orbuch recently wrote about in her research called “ 5 Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to great” where she says to consider setting aside ten minutes a day for quality conversation, and this will become part of our own strategy from now on also (Schoenberg, 2011). It stands to reason that good communication skills are a very important part of a long and happy marriage. Learning and practicing how to manage interpersonal conflicts within your relationship is a good beginning. Conclusion I would like to reiterate how happy I am on your upcoming marriage, and how glad I am for the both of you. I am happy that the two of you have found each other. I hope the both of you will find the information contained within this letter to be helpful and it will help to enrich your marriage. The both of you will find there are many learning thresholds, I have only outlined the ones I consider to be the top five out of many. I know you will be able to approach the barriers together. You will learn the strategies for active, critical and empathic listening. Since you met you have been learning self-disclosure and will continue this technique throughout your marriage. It will come to both of you in time how to read each other’s emotions and your own and how to use that to benefit your marriage and yourselves. My hope is you will not have many conflicts, but that when you do you choose your battles carefully, and manage them with grace and kindness. Make your foundation and approach it slowly to avoid the cracks. You have love, friendship and trust, and work to never lose any of these. When you have these and are not afraid of change you can improve upon and learn all the rest from others experiences and from others who love you.
All my Love,
Aunt Sabrina
References
Schoenberg, N. (2011, January 17). Can we talk? Researcher talks about the role of
communication in happy marriages. McClatchy-Tribune News Service. doi: 2240370261
Sole K, (2011) Making Connections. Understanding Interpersonal Communication San Diego,
CA: Bridgepoint Education, Inc. https://content.ashford.edu/books/AUCOM200.11.1
Stephenson, K. (2007). Emotional Intelligence in Relationships. Retrieved from
http://suite101.com/article/emotional-intelligence-in-relationships-a85775
Timchak, R. M. (n.d.). Self-Disclosure and Relationships. Retrieved from
http://www.albahouse.org/art7dec8.htm
Whitbourne, S. K. (2013). 11 Ways That Active Listening Can Help Your Relationships.
Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201203/11-
ways-active-listening-can-help-your-relationships