Monologue From Mean Girls Home
HOWZAT!
[Setting takes place in Jane’s living room.]
JANE: Hey darling? Are you going to watch Australia vs England on Friday?
MATT: The Ashes? ‘Course luv! Wouldn’t miss it for the world!
JANE: Great! I’ve got us all a ticket.
MATT: All?
JANE: Why, yes! Daddy will be joining us. He is just as big a fan as you are.
MATT: [cringingly] Your dad?
JANE: [ignores and continues on] Darling, haven’t I ever told you Daddy used to play for England? He was the best of his time.
MATT: [mutters under his breath] You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me! [to her] Nah, luv! Haven’t cha heard of Benny the Batter? Greatest batting average of all time! There’s no way your dad can be better than him.
JANE: Of course he’s better. He may be too old now, but he was the fastest …show more content…
bowler of his era.
MATT: I don’t care how fast his was! Benny is far above! [in a slurred english accent] ‘Basil the Bowler!’
JANE: Oh, so you’re saying my dad was not good at cricket?
MATT: Believe me, by the length of his arms he wouldn’t even be close to having an average bowl.
JANE: You’ve measured his arms?
MATT: Yes, obviously. Who hasn’t? I’m not saying that his bad at cricket, but nothing can compare him to….
JANE: In the first place, my daddy is born of the preferable blood type to be a cricket player, while your measly aussie guy was probably born under a gumtree. My dad was also the youngest player on the team, not like your joe bloe.
MATT: He may be old, but I wouldn’t take his age for granted. Age doesn’t even matter. How can you argue? Your dad probably paid someone off to get on the team. [starts to get steamy]
JANE: Matt did you wake up on the wrong side of bed today? You’re quite fired up about all this. You want to contradict everything. First you pretend that my daddy wasn’t even good at cricket, and now you’re saying age doesn’t matter. People should say what they really mean, and you know Daddy is a hundred times better than Benny. Why say he isn’t?
MATT: So, you think I’m a fool or a blind man. JANE! Once and for all, Benny is the best!
JANE: He is not!
MATT: He is so!
JANE: He is not!
MATT: [comically] Why shout, my darling?
JANE: Why talk such nonsense? It’s terrible. Your so called Benny the Batter is old enough to be buried, and you compare him with my Daddy!
MATT: I’m sorry, I… I can’t go on.
JANE: I’ve always noticed that aussies’ who argue most don’t know a thing.
MATT: Please! You’re making my ears ring. Shut up!
JANE: I’m not going to shut up until you admit that Daddy’s a hundred times better than Benny.
MATT: A hundred times worse!
JANE: Benny is half-dead already!
MATT: (weeping) Shut up!
JANE: I won’t shut up!
(BASIL comes in)
BASIL: What’s the trouble?
JANE: Daddy, will you please tell us which is the better player, his Benny the Batter or you, Basil the Bowler?
MATT: Basil, mate tell me just one thing: Can you even bowl? Yes or no?
BASIL: Well what if i can’t? I’ll still the best bowler that ever lived.
MATT: Oh, but isn’t my Benny, better? Really?
BASIL: Don’t get yourself so fraught up, son. Of course, your player has his good points - thoroughbred aussie, firm on his feet, well sprung ribs, and so forth. But my dear fellow, you’ve got to admit he has two defects; he’s old and he’s a bit of a short ass.
MATT: A short ass?! Oh, my heart! Let’s look at the facts! In the Ashes of ‘96, Benny hit ten straight sixers, making England run in circles.
BASIL: That’s a lie! Look, I’m going to lose my temper… [controlling himself] my dear boy, let’s stop arguing, and settle this like men. I’ll prove to you that I’m better. Come outside. [brings out a cricket ball and bat] Ok! Now stand over there and get ready to hit the ball.[passes him a bat]
MATT: Okay old man.[in a teasing manner] Do you want me to give you a couple of hours to warm up those rusty swingers of yours?
BASIL: Oh, I wouldn’t want to keep you waiting.
JANE: Be careful darling!
BASIL: Ready?
MATT: I was born
ready!
[Basil bowls fast bowl hitting Matt in the head knocking him unconscious]
JANE: Matt! Darling are you okay?
BASIL: Ohhh…. [Sarcastically] What’s the matter? What happened?
JANE: [wailing] He’s dead! He’s dead!
BASIL: Who’s dead? [Looks at Matt] My Gosh, he is! Quick! Water! A doctor!
[Puts glass to Matt’s lips] Here, drink this! Can’t drink it-he must be dead! What are we going to do? [Matt stirs] Look he’s coming to.
MATT: I’m seeing stars….Where am i?
JANE: Darling, you’re alright!
MATT: [remembering what just happened] Mate, that was one damn good bowl. If only we could reproduce those bowling genes? [Staring at Jane]
JANE: What on earth do you mean?
MATT: [quickly gets up on one knee and holds up his cricket ball] Will you Jane, be my missus?
JANE: Oh, Matt! Of course I will!
BASIL: Well… HOWZAT!
THE END
[Setting takes place in Jane’s living room.]
JANE: Hey darling? Are you going to watch Australia vs England on Friday?
MATT: The Ashes? ‘Course luv! Wouldn’t miss it for the world!
JANE: Great! I’ve got us all a ticket.
MATT: All?
JANE: Why, yes! Daddy will be joining us. He is just as big a fan as you are.
MATT: [cringingly] Your dad?
JANE: [ignores and continues on] Darling, haven’t I ever told you Daddy used to play for England? He was the best of his time.
MATT: [mutters under his breath] You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me! [to her] Nah, luv! Haven’t cha heard of Benny the Batter? Greatest batting average of all time! There’s no way your dad can be better than him.
JANE: Of course he’s better. He may be too old now, but he was the fastest …show more content…
bowler of his era.
MATT: I don’t care how fast his was! Benny is far above! [in a slurred english accent] ‘Basil the Bowler!’
JANE: Oh, so you’re saying my dad was not good at cricket?
MATT: Believe me, by the length of his arms he wouldn’t even be close to having an average bowl.
JANE: You’ve measured his arms?
MATT: Yes, obviously. Who hasn’t? I’m not saying that his bad at cricket, but nothing can compare him to….
JANE: In the first place, my daddy is born of the preferable blood type to be a cricket player, while your measly aussie guy was probably born under a gumtree. My dad was also the youngest player on the team, not like your joe bloe.
MATT: He may be old, but I wouldn’t take his age for granted. Age doesn’t even matter. How can you argue? Your dad probably paid someone off to get on the team. [starts to get steamy]
JANE: Matt did you wake up on the wrong side of bed today? You’re quite fired up about all this. You want to contradict everything. First you pretend that my daddy wasn’t even good at cricket, and now you’re saying age doesn’t matter. People should say what they really mean, and you know Daddy is a hundred times better than Benny. Why say he isn’t?
MATT: So, you think I’m a fool or a blind man. JANE! Once and for all, Benny is the best!
JANE: He is not!
MATT: He is so!
JANE: He is not!
MATT: [comically] Why shout, my darling?
JANE: Why talk such nonsense? It’s terrible. Your so called Benny the Batter is old enough to be buried, and you compare him with my Daddy!
MATT: I’m sorry, I… I can’t go on.
JANE: I’ve always noticed that aussies’ who argue most don’t know a thing.
MATT: Please! You’re making my ears ring. Shut up!
JANE: I’m not going to shut up until you admit that Daddy’s a hundred times better than Benny.
MATT: A hundred times worse!
JANE: Benny is half-dead already!
MATT: (weeping) Shut up!
JANE: I won’t shut up!
(BASIL comes in)
BASIL: What’s the trouble?
JANE: Daddy, will you please tell us which is the better player, his Benny the Batter or you, Basil the Bowler?
MATT: Basil, mate tell me just one thing: Can you even bowl? Yes or no?
BASIL: Well what if i can’t? I’ll still the best bowler that ever lived.
MATT: Oh, but isn’t my Benny, better? Really?
BASIL: Don’t get yourself so fraught up, son. Of course, your player has his good points - thoroughbred aussie, firm on his feet, well sprung ribs, and so forth. But my dear fellow, you’ve got to admit he has two defects; he’s old and he’s a bit of a short ass.
MATT: A short ass?! Oh, my heart! Let’s look at the facts! In the Ashes of ‘96, Benny hit ten straight sixers, making England run in circles.
BASIL: That’s a lie! Look, I’m going to lose my temper… [controlling himself] my dear boy, let’s stop arguing, and settle this like men. I’ll prove to you that I’m better. Come outside. [brings out a cricket ball and bat] Ok! Now stand over there and get ready to hit the ball.[passes him a bat]
MATT: Okay old man.[in a teasing manner] Do you want me to give you a couple of hours to warm up those rusty swingers of yours?
BASIL: Oh, I wouldn’t want to keep you waiting.
JANE: Be careful darling!
BASIL: Ready?
MATT: I was born
ready!
[Basil bowls fast bowl hitting Matt in the head knocking him unconscious]
JANE: Matt! Darling are you okay?
BASIL: Ohhh…. [Sarcastically] What’s the matter? What happened?
JANE: [wailing] He’s dead! He’s dead!
BASIL: Who’s dead? [Looks at Matt] My Gosh, he is! Quick! Water! A doctor!
[Puts glass to Matt’s lips] Here, drink this! Can’t drink it-he must be dead! What are we going to do? [Matt stirs] Look he’s coming to.
MATT: I’m seeing stars….Where am i?
JANE: Darling, you’re alright!
MATT: [remembering what just happened] Mate, that was one damn good bowl. If only we could reproduce those bowling genes? [Staring at Jane]
JANE: What on earth do you mean?
MATT: [quickly gets up on one knee and holds up his cricket ball] Will you Jane, be my missus?
JANE: Oh, Matt! Of course I will!
BASIL: Well… HOWZAT!
THE END