Moving On-Personal Narrative

Moving On

Justin left me. I went home Tuesday night and all that was waiting for me was an empty apartment and a note. Fucking coward. After three years he couldn’t even talk to me, tell me himself that he wasn’t happy. I shouldn’t be surprised; I knew this was coming, but it still hurts. I kind of figured I would be the one to end it. When I was ready. Would I ever have been ready? Maybe I was the coward. At least he had the strength to end something that wasn’t making either of us happy. No, fuck that. I’m not going to make excuses for him. He should have had the decency to tell me. Loser.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I don’t know if I’m heartbroken and actually upset that the relationship is over, or if I’m simply scared to be alone. Maybe I was just used to the comfort of being with someone. We’d been together
so long, at least it seemed like so long. I felt like he really knew me, but did he? I almost had a secret life now. I was hiding things. Lying. When communication is gone, what’s left? Without trust, the rest of it just falls apart. There hadn’t been happiness in a long time. Passion had been missing for even longer. Do high school sweethearts ever actually last?

I’m sitting in the dressing room at the club by myself, staring at my reflection. My eyes are filled with tears, but they aren’t streaming down my face anymore. Progress. I tried to leave my problems at the door; isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when you go to work? That’s what I always believed, but how is it possible? This is my life. This place, this job, it’s what I chose over my relationship. But I was unhappy before I started working here. Maybe this place was just the stepping stone into a new life, a life on my own, making my own decisions. I had basically gone from my parent’s house to an apartment with Justin. I had never been on my own. Maybe it’s a necessary step for me. I need to decide what I want to do with my life. Who I am, even.

Regardless that this is most likely the best thing for me right now, it’s still hard to know that it was so easy for Justin to walk away. I think that’s what I am having the most difficulty with. Maybe he found someone else. Maybe all of those times he said he was out with his friends he was out with another girl. Would he do that to me? It was hard to imagine, but these things happen every day. I just didn’t think it would happen to me. The pain in my stomach had me bending over the counter.

“Taylor? Are you okay?”

I heard Angel’s voice behind me and I tried to collect myself. I didn’t want to bring anybody else down before our shift. I needed to shake it off. But it was impossible to hide the fact that something had happened. I had to at least tell her.

“Justin left me. I went home last night and all that was there was a note. He couldn’t live like this anymore. He knew we needed to go in opposite directions before we ended up hating each other,” I sobbed.

She came over and put an arm around my shoulders. “I can’t believe he left a note. He couldn’t at least tell you in person? Jackass.”

“I know, but I’m not sure that would have been any easier. Anyway, I need to get myself together and forget about it for now. It’s not like I didn’t expect this at some point.”

“You just thought you would be the one to do it, right?”

“How did you know that?” I laughed. “Yeah,” I admitted, sniffling. “I figured I would end it when I was ready. I don’t like being on this side of things. Kind of an ego buster.”

“Well let’s get through the night, and then we can have a couple of drinks after work and you can get it all out of your system.
Talk it out, let it go, then move on. You need to do it.”

“I do need to do it. You’re right. Sounds good.”

The night was slow; there was a steady flow of customers, but not much excitement or energy. It was enough to take my mind off my new relationship status, but towards the end of the night my mind went to a dark place and I found myself fighting back tears. Since most of the dancers had left for the night, I was alone in the dressing room. Steven had called last call, and Angel and I were the last dancers to close down the club for the night. She was currently on stage for her last set.

I sat at the makeup counter and started thinking about all the good times I’d had with Justin. Why does it always go that way? When someone is gone all the bad things seem to disappear and the positive memories take over your mind. Our first kiss, our first Christmas together when Justin had given me a locket with our high school pictures in it, the first time we had sex. He was my first, and the only man I had ever been
with.

I started thinking about my day to day life and what it would be like to be alone. My dark, empty apartment. The king-sized bed I would be sleeping in alone. Depressing. The only thing that I had looked forward to for the past few weeks was coming to the club for work. This place could take my mind off of everything as soon as I got on the stage. My friends here were also a good support system for me. And then there was Angel. Sometimes it seemed like we were just friends, coworkers who would perform together and explore a physical relationship we didn’t actually have. Then other times it seemed like she was jealous when I spent time with other people. Maybe I was reading too much into the situation. Maybe I was overthinking, as usual.

I had my head resting in my hand as Angel walked into the dressing room. She had two glasses of wine, and she set one in front of me. She sat in the chair next to me and took a sip of her drink before setting it down.

“How are you holding up?”