Physiological Pithole

Every so often we come face to face with an obstacle that seems even greater than the last. We fall into a deep physiological pithole where we fear our efforts to climb to the top will not be sufficient enough to actually reach it. First, we try to rationalize the situation. We tell ourselves that the situation is not as bad as it seems and that everything will be fine. But sometimes, when the walls start to close in on us, we break from our false hopes and become desperate to escape. We claw, stomp, and chew at the sides of the pit, yet the pit is unaware of such harassment. The pit isolates us from everyone else, the pit becomes the center of our attention, the pit becomes our new lifestyle. Nevertheless, despite the impossible odds, we can
Sometimes I would be the mommy, others the daddy; it did not matter who I was because the game always ended the same way. As I grew older, I began to crave the feelings that were exposed to me as a child and the person, whom I will call X, was always willing to give them to me. However, one day, after six years, X came to me and told me that we could no longer continue what we were doing. I did not understand why, at the moment, so I simply shrugged off the matter. And since I no longer had anyone else to “play” with, I began to seek the pleasure that I was taught and conditioned to love by myself with the help of the internet. This continued for about two years until the summer of 2013. During that summer I stumbled upon a book called “The Source of All Things” by Tracy Ross. I was actually in a Dollar Tree in Dallas, Texas when I decided I wanted to pick up a few cheap books to read on my way back home to Naples, Florida; nevertheless, by the time we got home I had already finished reading the book. The book was about Tracy Ross and her own sexual abuse story as a child and how she eventually overcame i. After I finished the book and realized that the games I played with X were not actually games and that the feelings I experienced were not meant for me to have experienced, I sank a good fifty feet deeper into my hole. I did not want anyone to look at me, touch me, or even compliment me. I wanted to vanish from the face of the Earth and cry out my body weight. I could not run to my parents for help because I was too embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I felt dirty and worthless. I withdrew from my family and isolated myself from social activities. I voluntarily made myself a social