Scarf's Approach To Discipline And Stepfamilies

“You have to take things slowly. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you’re going to automatically love their children. All relationships take time to grow and develop. Be willing to give everyone the time and space they need. It will come” (Lefurgey). Children thrive on routine and discipline and children living in stepfamilies are no different. Deciding on who should execute the discipline is often times a struggle however. In many instances, adults feel that they should be able to enforce rules to all children living in their homes. They may have the mentality that if children live under their roof, then they should go by their rules and if the children misbehave, said parent should be allowed to apply consequences. Regardless, these ideas can often cause conflict. The kindred parent along with their children may feel that only the biological parent should discipline their biological children and vice versa. All can agree that children need structure, direction
Child expert Maggie Scarf provides insight that could be a balanced compromise. This approach involves a step parent playing the role that only a babysitter would at first. This would involve only ensuring the safety of his or hers non-biological children in the absence of the biological parent. After some time has passed and more trust is built upon, the next step would be providing care as that of an aunt or uncle. Not only would safety be involved, but enforcing limited consequences for bad behavior would be acceptable. When all involved are comfortable, the role of equal parenting may be tolerated. Generally speaking, this can take years to accomplish and some families never reach this level of shared discipline. The bottom line is that each family is different and must decide what works best for them