Survival Signals: Trust In An Intimate Relationships
Trust is also known as the confidence one person places in another and it is the true foundation of a relationship, so much so that if it was not present the relationship would have a much greater chance of breaking apart. One of the seven ways that intimate relationships differ from casual relationships is trust because once it is understood that partners can trust each other the stability of the relationship and the intimacy increases. There are four types of attachment styles that coincide with trust that adults can have which are known as secure, preoccupied, fearful and dismissing. An attachment style can be established during childhood and leads out until you are an adult. In my own personal experience, I have a preoccupied attachment
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style, insert definition of preoccupied attachment style here so they know beforehand what it means?. In correlation to that, I have noticed that in most relationships I tend to have trust issues and these trust issues could also then have another effect on positively perceiving De Becker’s survival signals. They can ultimately affect interactions with people in your lives and change how they will turn out.
First, after learning about the four different types of attachment styles, I can see that through my past relationships I have usually had a preoccupied attachment style. I believe that I am the type of girlfriend which always demands attention and needs it all the time. This is evident when I am with a dismissive partner as I was known as more of a clingy or needy person. Since I have a preoccupied attachment style, I always tried hard and got annoyed when I did not get the same amount of effort back. I would not say that I am very insecure, but I do require a lot of reassurance in my life. I need people to constantly show how they feel towards me or I would believe it is not there. I did always feel that I wanted to be closer to my boyfriend than he wanted to be is this sentence needed? Considering I have a preoccupied attachment style as an adult, that means when I was an infant I was probably anxious and preoccupied as well. Furthermore, my preoccupied attachment also leads me to cherish more intimate moments in my relationships over others. This is evident through my preference of hanging out and talking over receiving materialistic items. Moreover, my level of anxiousness decreases when my partner is in close contact with me and increases when he is at a distance, which shows that I require an interdependent relationship where both partners depend on each other and not just one staying dependent and one staying independent. However, being interdependent and wanting both partners to depend on each other does not mean that they are not their own person. All in all, looking back at this type of behaviour in my relationships and thoroughly reflecting on it, I can conclude that I had a preoccupied attachment style.
My preoccupied attachment style does have some effect towards my trust in a relationship. Since they can have an influence on how our relationships turn out, it is important to evaluate your own attachment style and your partners when you start dating. These styles can explain needs and wants in a relationship and it can also determine how the person will go about to introduce themselves. My attachment style has caused some issues in my past relationships where I did have a problem of becoming overly attached and when I did not receive that same level of attachment back, I did not feel as comfortable in the relationship anymore. I wanted high responsiveness and approval which was too much to handle for some people. This is because with a preoccupied attachment style, I am low in avoidance in intimacy, which means that I love intimacy and require it. However, in my current relationship me and my significant other both have preoccupied attachment styles, which has been working out perfectly for a long time. Since I am getting the desired amount of intimacy I want back and he is as well, we can trust each other. There has been a fair amount of times where I have got possessive making it harder for me to trust in situations and this is mainly due to preoccupied people having high anxiety. This makes me feel anxious whenever I do not get the attention I want. As cited in Miller, 2015, “Preoccupied people experience more jealousy”, so it was hard to not be jealous while having this attachment style and considering my significant other was usually securely attached, they did not have a problem regarding trust and jealousy. Trust also builds up as relationships get older and it is something which cannot be rushed. Once betrayal comes into play, it is very difficult to build trust back and that is why it is essential for me to understand my partner and figure out if they are trustworthy beforehand. I do have trust issues due to my attachment styles and it is harder for me to trust than normal. From all of this, it is evident that attachment styles can play a significant role in one of the key components of an intimate relationship known as trust; thus, it is important to know whether your attachment style will be compatible with your significant other.
Since my personal attachment style is preoccupied, it impacts my perception on De Beckers survival signals positively.
I already have trust problems so when I evaluate the survival signals, I will not be as hesitant to follow my gut feeling. Since secure attachment styles can trust easily, they might be more tempted to believe the suspect is innocent and ignore the survival signals they see. It is easier for them to ignore their gut feeling and believe others. The survival signals stated in chapter 4 (DeBecker, 1997) are forced teaming, charm and niceness, too many details, typecasting, loan sharking, unsolicited promise and discounting the word “no”. Some of these survival signals are more apparent than others and it gets harder to apprehend them as trust for others goes up. For example, charm and niceness can be tricky to figure out for someone with a secure attachment style. They already have high self-esteem and they would believe the things the suspect is trying to say to them. But on the other hand, with people of a preoccupied style it is harder to believe compliments and therefore easier to discover when someone is trying to “charm” them instead of being “charming”. Likewise, discounting the word “no” is easier to notice because it will be repetitive and usually any attachment style can identify this. Unsolicited promises are harder for me to believe because I have high anxiety and I cannot trust easily. This means when someone makes a promise I am not quick in believing it. I try to analyze the promise more and see if it is believable and can be done. However, the survival signal of “too many details” might be a problem for me because I try to have intimate relationships with people around me and might mistake it for someone trying to be intimate with me. Typecasting could also be influenced badly because I try to make sure the people around me like me and when someone says something negative about me it affects me a lot. When it comes to me, after reading
about De Beckers signals, it opened my eyes and I can analyze every situation I am in more carefully. I do not believe that I am safe everywhere and know that I also have a chance of being a victim. I try to use his signals to interpret real threats by just paying extra attention to my surroundings. Thus, my preoccupied attachment style helped me perceive De Beckers signals positively in the way that they have a greater chance to work.
Overall, having a preoccupied attachment style plays a significant role on my safety in the world and my security in relationships. This attachment style causes me to have trust issues in relationships, but on the other hand, it helps me easily determine the severity of De Beckers survival signals. This can help me in some aspects of my life and bring me down in others. However, my attachment style does not affect my relationships anymore because I found a partner who also has a preoccupied attachment style. This increases the confidence we have for each other and therefore also increasing the trust in our relationship and ultimately increasing both the intimacy we experience and our overall happiness.
style, insert definition of preoccupied attachment style here so they know beforehand what it means?. In correlation to that, I have noticed that in most relationships I tend to have trust issues and these trust issues could also then have another effect on positively perceiving De Becker’s survival signals. They can ultimately affect interactions with people in your lives and change how they will turn out.
First, after learning about the four different types of attachment styles, I can see that through my past relationships I have usually had a preoccupied attachment style. I believe that I am the type of girlfriend which always demands attention and needs it all the time. This is evident when I am with a dismissive partner as I was known as more of a clingy or needy person. Since I have a preoccupied attachment style, I always tried hard and got annoyed when I did not get the same amount of effort back. I would not say that I am very insecure, but I do require a lot of reassurance in my life. I need people to constantly show how they feel towards me or I would believe it is not there. I did always feel that I wanted to be closer to my boyfriend than he wanted to be is this sentence needed? Considering I have a preoccupied attachment style as an adult, that means when I was an infant I was probably anxious and preoccupied as well. Furthermore, my preoccupied attachment also leads me to cherish more intimate moments in my relationships over others. This is evident through my preference of hanging out and talking over receiving materialistic items. Moreover, my level of anxiousness decreases when my partner is in close contact with me and increases when he is at a distance, which shows that I require an interdependent relationship where both partners depend on each other and not just one staying dependent and one staying independent. However, being interdependent and wanting both partners to depend on each other does not mean that they are not their own person. All in all, looking back at this type of behaviour in my relationships and thoroughly reflecting on it, I can conclude that I had a preoccupied attachment style.
My preoccupied attachment style does have some effect towards my trust in a relationship. Since they can have an influence on how our relationships turn out, it is important to evaluate your own attachment style and your partners when you start dating. These styles can explain needs and wants in a relationship and it can also determine how the person will go about to introduce themselves. My attachment style has caused some issues in my past relationships where I did have a problem of becoming overly attached and when I did not receive that same level of attachment back, I did not feel as comfortable in the relationship anymore. I wanted high responsiveness and approval which was too much to handle for some people. This is because with a preoccupied attachment style, I am low in avoidance in intimacy, which means that I love intimacy and require it. However, in my current relationship me and my significant other both have preoccupied attachment styles, which has been working out perfectly for a long time. Since I am getting the desired amount of intimacy I want back and he is as well, we can trust each other. There has been a fair amount of times where I have got possessive making it harder for me to trust in situations and this is mainly due to preoccupied people having high anxiety. This makes me feel anxious whenever I do not get the attention I want. As cited in Miller, 2015, “Preoccupied people experience more jealousy”, so it was hard to not be jealous while having this attachment style and considering my significant other was usually securely attached, they did not have a problem regarding trust and jealousy. Trust also builds up as relationships get older and it is something which cannot be rushed. Once betrayal comes into play, it is very difficult to build trust back and that is why it is essential for me to understand my partner and figure out if they are trustworthy beforehand. I do have trust issues due to my attachment styles and it is harder for me to trust than normal. From all of this, it is evident that attachment styles can play a significant role in one of the key components of an intimate relationship known as trust; thus, it is important to know whether your attachment style will be compatible with your significant other.
Since my personal attachment style is preoccupied, it impacts my perception on De Beckers survival signals positively.
I already have trust problems so when I evaluate the survival signals, I will not be as hesitant to follow my gut feeling. Since secure attachment styles can trust easily, they might be more tempted to believe the suspect is innocent and ignore the survival signals they see. It is easier for them to ignore their gut feeling and believe others. The survival signals stated in chapter 4 (DeBecker, 1997) are forced teaming, charm and niceness, too many details, typecasting, loan sharking, unsolicited promise and discounting the word “no”. Some of these survival signals are more apparent than others and it gets harder to apprehend them as trust for others goes up. For example, charm and niceness can be tricky to figure out for someone with a secure attachment style. They already have high self-esteem and they would believe the things the suspect is trying to say to them. But on the other hand, with people of a preoccupied style it is harder to believe compliments and therefore easier to discover when someone is trying to “charm” them instead of being “charming”. Likewise, discounting the word “no” is easier to notice because it will be repetitive and usually any attachment style can identify this. Unsolicited promises are harder for me to believe because I have high anxiety and I cannot trust easily. This means when someone makes a promise I am not quick in believing it. I try to analyze the promise more and see if it is believable and can be done. However, the survival signal of “too many details” might be a problem for me because I try to have intimate relationships with people around me and might mistake it for someone trying to be intimate with me. Typecasting could also be influenced badly because I try to make sure the people around me like me and when someone says something negative about me it affects me a lot. When it comes to me, after reading
about De Beckers signals, it opened my eyes and I can analyze every situation I am in more carefully. I do not believe that I am safe everywhere and know that I also have a chance of being a victim. I try to use his signals to interpret real threats by just paying extra attention to my surroundings. Thus, my preoccupied attachment style helped me perceive De Beckers signals positively in the way that they have a greater chance to work.
Overall, having a preoccupied attachment style plays a significant role on my safety in the world and my security in relationships. This attachment style causes me to have trust issues in relationships, but on the other hand, it helps me easily determine the severity of De Beckers survival signals. This can help me in some aspects of my life and bring me down in others. However, my attachment style does not affect my relationships anymore because I found a partner who also has a preoccupied attachment style. This increases the confidence we have for each other and therefore also increasing the trust in our relationship and ultimately increasing both the intimacy we experience and our overall happiness.