The Dream Nation: A Totalitarian Society
THE DREAM STATE presents with a very intriguing futuristic totalitarian society. It offers a visionary and cautionary new world that is controlled by a mysterious “great leader.”
The script does a nice job of crafting what this divergent world looks like and how it’s run. The “great leader” completely controls society and the people within the border. This world seems to lie to the populace about war and the need for protection and rules. It’s a very oppression society.
While these types of worlds are not new in the industry, they always provide for a thought-provoking glimpse into what our current society could evolve into. Moreover, the script offers an intriguing hook with the idea of the “dream machines.” This easily reminds one of the classic sci-fi TOTAL RECALL …show more content…
film.
The script offers a mystery, forbidden romance, and murder. The tone is dark, fitting the story type and the atmosphere of the setting i.e. dark, gritty, and confined.
The goal to escape has strong, deadly stakes and grave consequences. There are solid themes about truth and second chances. The script poses the moral question of how far a society should go to control the behavior of people.
While there’s a lot to really like about the script, it would also benefit from more development in the areas of the structure, the pace, and clarification, as well some further character development.
As mentioned, the first act does a really good job of creating a very intriguing world. Not only is the society controlled by a mysterious great leader, it’s clear that the men outnumber the women, creating another interesting hook.
John is presented as a likable guy, who seems to accept what his world tells him is reality. He’s rather passive and inactive.
There are several intriguing inciting events that move the story forward, such as the dream machines, seeing Lila, the arrest of his friend David, receiving the Medal of Honor award, and finding David’s notebook.
The audience is easily hooked by the idea that John’s dream girl is real. The initial resistance between John and Lila, nicely creates some good sexual chemistry. However, the pace is a bit slow in the first act. John and Lila secretly meet for the first time on page 38. Consider moving this up. It feels late.
While there are many pivotal events in the first act, there’s doesn’t feel like a powerful catalyst that defines the first act break. This is normally a decisive moment for the hero in which the hero is “locked” into a quest. While John does consider escaping the world, this comes on page 49, which again feels a bit late. Even when he verbalizes his goal, because of the structure and getting arrested, he never acts upon his goal until much later in the script. He really doesn’t disappear until page 81. This is the escape.
While there’s some excitement in the escape and there’s jeopardy, they actually escape fairly easily, and then the story just ends.
The ending, unfortunately, doesn’t create a full emotional experience. There are too many questions not answered and the story doesn’t feel like it offers enough compelling tension or twists and turns. For example, the motivation for keeping an oppressed society isn’t well understood.
One anticipates learning the identity of the “great leader” and one anticipates a twist that they don’t see coming, but this doesn’t materialize. Thus, the escape feels a bit anti-climactic.
The romance subplot certainly has potential, especially in the beginning, but once they are arrested the romance fades and they really never rekindle the romance or sexual tension. The audience isn’t convinced that they are passionately in love.
One problem might be that they are both inactive when they are incarcerated. While they are in prison, nothing really occurs to the protagonist and/or the relationship. John doesn’t try to escape, nothing really of significance occurs with Philip. Also, one thought that Lila was sentenced to many more years of hard labor, but she seems to get out early with John.
Thus, overall, the script would benefit from creating more compelling tension throughout the script and to make John a more proactive hero.
Consider adding more twists and turns, especially regarding the “great leader”. Provide a motivation for why this society is this way.
Also, it’s not understood why John would see Lila as his dream girl before he meets her. He tries to explain it away, but the audience doesn’t know if he really saw her before and she became part of his subconscious or not.
John is certainly a likable character. He transitions from passive to active, but just late. The idea of him being in denial and then slowly becoming suspicious works, but something major needs to occur to him that locks him into his goal. In other words, when he first suggests to Lila that they should escape, nothing of major consequence has occurred yet, with the exception of David being arrested, but at this point John really doesn’t know what did occur to David. It would be different if he were told that David was sent to rehab, but then he discovers that David is dead. This would lock him into his goal.
One actually doesn’t know much about John’s backstory, which might add more depth to his
character.
Lila is initially intriguing. She’s alluring and mysterious. She clearly doesn’t love her husband. However, she feels a bit cold and aloof. It’s difficult to know how she really feels. She doesn’t have a strong range of emotion. Consider a twist that involves Lila.
The police chief is the main antagonist and he definitely shows potential. He’s chilling and controlling. He’s the type of character that actors like to play.
The overall supporting characters feel authentic. David is believable. The dialogue reflects each character’s personality.
HIGHLIGHTS TO CONSIDER
If the true goal for John is to escape, this should be well defined by the end of the first act and it’s this goal that should drive act two and act three.
The tension has to intensify in nature with a solid midpoint and a more compelling climax.
Consider adding more twists and turns about this society and the Great Leader and his/her identity.
Consider providing a bit of a backstory as to why this society became this way.
Continue to develop the relationship of John and Lila to enhance chemistry.
Lila tends to fade as a character once she’s arrested and they never recapture their chemistry.
Remember, John has to be more proactive.
Consider if being arrested is the best story choice.
Consider explaining why he sees her in the dream machine.
Also, given the title “dream state” one expects that there will be some type of twist involving the machines, but this doesn’t materialize either.
Remember to show. The audience can’t “see” that “things here are used until they are no longer operable”.
“The words hit John hard,” and “the lifeless bodies ... hits John particularly hard,“ should be more visual.
The audience has to visually understand that Lila and Bradley have sex that is a matter of duty, not passion. What does this look like (staring at the ceiling).
The script does a nice job of crafting what this divergent world looks like and how it’s run. The “great leader” completely controls society and the people within the border. This world seems to lie to the populace about war and the need for protection and rules. It’s a very oppression society.
While these types of worlds are not new in the industry, they always provide for a thought-provoking glimpse into what our current society could evolve into. Moreover, the script offers an intriguing hook with the idea of the “dream machines.” This easily reminds one of the classic sci-fi TOTAL RECALL …show more content…
film.
The script offers a mystery, forbidden romance, and murder. The tone is dark, fitting the story type and the atmosphere of the setting i.e. dark, gritty, and confined.
The goal to escape has strong, deadly stakes and grave consequences. There are solid themes about truth and second chances. The script poses the moral question of how far a society should go to control the behavior of people.
While there’s a lot to really like about the script, it would also benefit from more development in the areas of the structure, the pace, and clarification, as well some further character development.
As mentioned, the first act does a really good job of creating a very intriguing world. Not only is the society controlled by a mysterious great leader, it’s clear that the men outnumber the women, creating another interesting hook.
John is presented as a likable guy, who seems to accept what his world tells him is reality. He’s rather passive and inactive.
There are several intriguing inciting events that move the story forward, such as the dream machines, seeing Lila, the arrest of his friend David, receiving the Medal of Honor award, and finding David’s notebook.
The audience is easily hooked by the idea that John’s dream girl is real. The initial resistance between John and Lila, nicely creates some good sexual chemistry. However, the pace is a bit slow in the first act. John and Lila secretly meet for the first time on page 38. Consider moving this up. It feels late.
While there are many pivotal events in the first act, there’s doesn’t feel like a powerful catalyst that defines the first act break. This is normally a decisive moment for the hero in which the hero is “locked” into a quest. While John does consider escaping the world, this comes on page 49, which again feels a bit late. Even when he verbalizes his goal, because of the structure and getting arrested, he never acts upon his goal until much later in the script. He really doesn’t disappear until page 81. This is the escape.
While there’s some excitement in the escape and there’s jeopardy, they actually escape fairly easily, and then the story just ends.
The ending, unfortunately, doesn’t create a full emotional experience. There are too many questions not answered and the story doesn’t feel like it offers enough compelling tension or twists and turns. For example, the motivation for keeping an oppressed society isn’t well understood.
One anticipates learning the identity of the “great leader” and one anticipates a twist that they don’t see coming, but this doesn’t materialize. Thus, the escape feels a bit anti-climactic.
The romance subplot certainly has potential, especially in the beginning, but once they are arrested the romance fades and they really never rekindle the romance or sexual tension. The audience isn’t convinced that they are passionately in love.
One problem might be that they are both inactive when they are incarcerated. While they are in prison, nothing really occurs to the protagonist and/or the relationship. John doesn’t try to escape, nothing really of significance occurs with Philip. Also, one thought that Lila was sentenced to many more years of hard labor, but she seems to get out early with John.
Thus, overall, the script would benefit from creating more compelling tension throughout the script and to make John a more proactive hero.
Consider adding more twists and turns, especially regarding the “great leader”. Provide a motivation for why this society is this way.
Also, it’s not understood why John would see Lila as his dream girl before he meets her. He tries to explain it away, but the audience doesn’t know if he really saw her before and she became part of his subconscious or not.
John is certainly a likable character. He transitions from passive to active, but just late. The idea of him being in denial and then slowly becoming suspicious works, but something major needs to occur to him that locks him into his goal. In other words, when he first suggests to Lila that they should escape, nothing of major consequence has occurred yet, with the exception of David being arrested, but at this point John really doesn’t know what did occur to David. It would be different if he were told that David was sent to rehab, but then he discovers that David is dead. This would lock him into his goal.
One actually doesn’t know much about John’s backstory, which might add more depth to his
character.
Lila is initially intriguing. She’s alluring and mysterious. She clearly doesn’t love her husband. However, she feels a bit cold and aloof. It’s difficult to know how she really feels. She doesn’t have a strong range of emotion. Consider a twist that involves Lila.
The police chief is the main antagonist and he definitely shows potential. He’s chilling and controlling. He’s the type of character that actors like to play.
The overall supporting characters feel authentic. David is believable. The dialogue reflects each character’s personality.
HIGHLIGHTS TO CONSIDER
If the true goal for John is to escape, this should be well defined by the end of the first act and it’s this goal that should drive act two and act three.
The tension has to intensify in nature with a solid midpoint and a more compelling climax.
Consider adding more twists and turns about this society and the Great Leader and his/her identity.
Consider providing a bit of a backstory as to why this society became this way.
Continue to develop the relationship of John and Lila to enhance chemistry.
Lila tends to fade as a character once she’s arrested and they never recapture their chemistry.
Remember, John has to be more proactive.
Consider if being arrested is the best story choice.
Consider explaining why he sees her in the dream machine.
Also, given the title “dream state” one expects that there will be some type of twist involving the machines, but this doesn’t materialize either.
Remember to show. The audience can’t “see” that “things here are used until they are no longer operable”.
“The words hit John hard,” and “the lifeless bodies ... hits John particularly hard,“ should be more visual.
The audience has to visually understand that Lila and Bradley have sex that is a matter of duty, not passion. What does this look like (staring at the ceiling).