Why Am I So Angry?

Teresa B.
Why Am I So Angry?
When someone reaches my limit, I explode. I don’t and won’t hold in my anger; I will always, at all times let it out. There’s no point of holding in all my rage on someone when they’re right in front of me and I can tell them straight up how I’m feeling. The problem with those kinds of thoughts of mines is that I will say things or do things that I won’t be able to take back. The only time, when I really do explode, is when someone tries to prove me wrong or when someone tells me to do something when I am busy doing something else, but I do learn a lesson…always! There’s a powerful reason for why I carry a whole bunch of anger in me.
When I was about 5 years old, my family and I used to live with my aunt. By that time I was just me, my mom and my dad. I remember how one day my mom and dad had gone o work early in the morning and I was by myself in the room sleeping, when I heard someone step in the room, I lifted myself up to see who it was, but all of a sudden one heavy hand covered my eyes and mouth, so it blocked my vision. I could feel this heavy, warm breathing near me, I started to get scared and started to cry. I could also feel another heavy hand go in my shirt then in my pants, I cried even more, and then I bit him, till he started bleeding. When he saw his hand bleeding he let go of my face, when I looked up, it was my aunts husband, he left the room and went off to work. I cried and cried till I went to sleep.
Once I woke up, I told my aunt what happened. She did not believe me; she said I was a liar. Since she said she didn’t believe me, I didn’t tell anyone not even my mom or dad because I thought that they wouldn’t believe me either. Years passed and I would always remember about that morning, it tormented me. So whenever someone gets an attitude with me, I act up and I always think that it’s my aunts’ husband that I’m fussing with. So I end up saying or doing things that I can’t take back no more, I will always leave it at that and simply walk away.
Then, in the 8th grade, I started to get attracted to suicidal thoughts. I started to cut myself I went Emo. I would drink alcohol, I wouldn’t go out to parties, and I wouldn’t let anyone know that I still existed. Until one day, July 6th 2012, I ran away from my house, but then I found out that he police was looking for me, so I went back home in a taxi. When I entered the door my mom ran up to me and hugged me, my dad heard, he called me in the room and beat me. I cried myself to sleep.
After a couple of hours, I woke up. My mom came in the room and asked me “what happened last night? I called the police on your boyfriend, because you came home drunk and he must have touched you,” the instant she said that, I exploded, I yelled back at her in response, “ WTF is wrong with you? My boyfriend didn’t do anything! He shouldn’t get locked up, instead it should my aunts husband, Javier, the one getting locked up, that fool scarred me for life, you don’t know him, he acts all innocent like an angel, but I hate him, he ruined me and my life!” I told my mom what he did and how I never told her because I was scared that no one would believe me like my aunt did. She started to cry and told me we would talk later about hat man and what we can do. I said okay. The moment she stepped out the room, I locked the door got the jar of pills and drunk them all. After a while I got dizzy, threw up and fell to the floor. I tried committing suicide, because now that my mom knew, I thought she was embarrassed of having a daughter like me, and I thought t wasn’t worth living no more. When I woke up my parents were there, all terrified. They asked me why I did it. I couldn’t move, I just laid there, one by one I got flashbacks of what Javier did to me, I cried. Then, once I got all my strength back I started talking. My mom told me that there was nothing to do no more, it was too late o get Javier locked up because it was 7 years ago and I didn’t have any proof.
We left it at that. Then in august I started seeing a social worker and I got help. Now, it does not affect me if I get flashbacks. I learned from my past, I live in the present and I plan for the future.