Why Is God Constructing Earth In 7 Day

Forever plagued by controversy, from its antisemitism in 12th century Europe to the modern day child sex abuse scandals, notably in Ireland and the US, the Catholic Church’s reputation remains durable due to the unshakable, unquestionable faith, devotion, and loyalty of its subjects. Lost souls seeking comfort from the death of a loved one, freedom from addictions or debt, guidance in times of crisis, or those searching for answers to the origins of existence turn to the Church’s teachings for navigation. Admittedly, I don’t buy into the Creationist theory a small part of my being can rationalize the concept of ‘God’ constructing Earth in 7 days, because it sheds some light on the extreme flaws of the human species.

‘And on the 6th day, God marvelled at his work, went on the piss in premature celebration, thus resulting in the invention of premature ejaculation for a laugh. And on the 7th day, God rang in sick with a 24-hour vomiting bug.’

The majority (myself included) are involuntarily seduced by the Church at birth. Some are indoctrinated by the alluring, romantic stained glass windows depicting the crucifixion and the grandiose statues of heavenly
one minute and coughing up frog spawn into an already cloudy tissue the next.

I discovered that St Anthony of Padua embarked on a tour of Ireland in May/June 2016, which made me quite ashamed of my incurable laziness. He died in 1231 and if he can get up and get on with it after being dead for 800+ years, then so can I. This latest peculiar visit was truly significant because the reliquary also featured St Anthony’s mystical ‘floating rib’. I am yet to solve the mystery as to why the rib is of any significance whatsoever, although I am currently considering enlisting the services of 1970’s detective Colombo in the near future to investigate