Graduation Speech: How To Be A True Hockey Fan

So, you finally decided to get into hockey. After soccer, football, basketball, baseball, etc. What made you start watching it? Was it the fights that happen every 5 minutes? Or the constant penalties? Lockouts? Trades? Or you just ran out of sports to watch? Whatever reason you have, you need to know how to be a true hockey fan. Well, you can't be a true hockey fan if you're not Canadian, but let's forget about that. So, you're gonna have to know how to be a hockey fan. How to cheer on your team, how to casually pick a fight with fan of the team you hate, and how to pretend you know every player on your team, what position they play, and what number they are.
Constantly check the scores. It doesn't matter if you're at work, at home, or out
Tell your co-worker about how to the Kings are gonna win the Cup again this year.
Buy all the merchandise. Jerseys, pucks, signed pictures. Everything! You don't need money for food or anything when you have a signed Martin Brodeur goalie helmet from 2005 hanging on your wall, right next to your Lundqvist jersey. Don't forget about that 2015 limited edition Stanley Cup puck coffee table!
Season tickets. You can't survive without season tickets. Going to one game just isn't enough. If you can't afford season tickets (from buying all the jerseys), just buy game tickets from a shady man in the back of a Philadelphia alley. It’s totally safe, trust me. Everyone does it!
Always hate on the other teams. Some Toronto fan said Seguin sucks? Bring up how they haven't won a cup since 1967. All Crybaby Crosby does is dive? Well, you have to let people know you're jealous of Montreal's 24 Cups somehow
Pretend like you know every player’s position, player’s number, and player history of your team. Let's say you like Minnesota Wild. You should at least know the goaltender and a couple players on the team. So they have three goaltenders as of right now, Devan Dubnyk, Darcy Kuemper, and Alex Stalock, along with one of their former goalies, the well know Russian, Ilya Bryzgalov. The team also has many centermen, defensemen, and left and right wings, but there's too many to name. Just watch for the ones who are on the ice the most, learn their name and number,
Whether you're on the ice or currently being fired from your job (from not coming in to work because you were watching hockey), tell your boss you've heard better chirps from a dead bird. But hey, sometimes the truth hurts. When you're on the ice, let the goalie know you've seen coupons save more than him. He might say it's hard to eat, especially when you have no hands, but that doesn't matter. Just tell him to switch to Geico, he’ll save more then.
Refer to your jersey as a sweater. People might think you're about to put on some wool sweater or an old pullover, but you actually just went to grab one of your many, many, many hockey jerseys. “Yeah, I own a lot of sweaters. They're good for those cold winter nights.” “Oh, cool. What brand are they?” “Well, I have 4 Sabres, about 7 Blue Jackets, some Predators, miscellaneous Ducks, Sharks, and Canucks, and an old Bruins my dad used to own. I think I also have a Seantors one laying around somewhere.”
Buy one of the many expensive sport channel packages just for hockey. You get every sport you need. So you also get Olympic coverage and every ESPN channel imaginable, but forget about that. You spent about $100 just for hockey, right? You have at least five games playing at the same time on five different channels, so what's not to love?
So, all you have to do is follow these tips, and you'll be a hockey expert. Trust me, these worked for me, so they must work for