John Gottman Conflict

John Gottman is a psychologist and marriage researcher who conducted a study that could accurately predict 90% of the time whether a marriage would fail or not. His research showed that for successful marriages there was a 5:1 positive to negative ratio which means for every one negative action, you must have 5 positive actions to make up for just that one negative action. In marriages that failed the ratio was quite different at .8:1. His research also showed that it’s not conflict that ruins relationships, it’s the way people handle the conflict. Venting anger constructively can actually do wonders to clear the air and get a relationship back in balance. However, conflict does become a problem when it is characterized by the presence of what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and a fifth which was
An example of contemptuous behavior is my uncle who always seemed to throw that he had a degree in his ex wife’s face. He’d use big words, that she might not comprehend, and would then say something like, “oh well let me dumb it down so you’ll get it then.” This type of behavior is unacceptable in a relationship and is one reason why they are divorced now.

Stonewalling occurs when one partner ignores the other during conversation or interaction. When you stonewall you’re basically telling your partner that you don’t care about what’s being discussed. I can personally connect with this because like most men I’m a habitual stonewaller. Most times in an argument I tune my partner out because I hate conflict. It might seem like I’m nonchalant and don’t care but in reality I do, I just choose not to engage in the