Monologue From The Odyssey

Life sucks when you're just another face in the crowd of screaming people running from a dragon. Or a giant. Or a robot controlled by a mad scientist. But I should feel lucky, of course. We have the protagonist to protect us! Or, as he calls us, the 'innocent people.' As in, "Don't hurt them, they're all innocent people!" or "Why don't you pick on someone your own size, they can't defend themselves from you, you giant cockroach!" Yeah, he's not the type of guy who remembers names. In fact, most of the time, he doesn't even ask for your name. He just swoops in, uses his magical powers, and saves the pretty girl. He hasn't ever saved me, if that tells you anything. The guy gets praised day and night and us ordinary people get nothing but a one
He said that he was going to pray to the gods to relent the storm, and allow us to continue our journey home. But I saw through his lies (I’ve always been good at that). Odysseus had probably taken one of the cattle, cooked it, and hid it from the rest of us. He was eating while the rest of us were starving!

Desparate, I pleaded with my crewmates to see through Odysseus’ lies and save us from starvation. Once the truth had been revealed, we had the greatest barbecue ever. When Odysseus returned, he berated us for defying his orders. In the middle of his speech about how I “had doomed us all”, the storms stopped. Looking back, I believe that the storm had been created by Odysseus, and that he learned the trick from Circe. Anyway, he put on a good show about being surprised that the storm had lifted, and we prepared to leave Thrinacia.

When we were halfway home, around midnight, another storm erupted over our heads. Seeing that it was Odysseus’ work, I quickly readied a raft to escape. Several of my crewmates had similar ideas, and we separated from the Penelope. We were about a league away when the Penelope was struck by lightning. It serves Odysseus right for creating a storm too powerful for him to control. We made our way to the nearest
The ground was burned, blackened and charred by fire. Here and there were strange skeletons. Suddenly, a bright light shined from above, brighter than anything I had ever seen. A loud voice shouted “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY CATTLE?”. We realized that we had returned to Thrinacia, and Lord Helios was rather enraged. My crew and I ran for the boat, and barely escaped with our lives.

It was still dark, so we sailed blindly without any sense of direction. We ran aground on another island. Fortunately, this place seemed to be uninhabited. All we could see were several caves, blocked by heavy stones. But upon morning, the stones were rolled away from the inside, and I realized that we had returned to the island of the Cyclopes.

And that, Polyphemus, is how I got here! And let me just say, your eye has healed quite nicely. And just so you know, I wasn’t with Odysseus when he blinded you. In fact, when I heard about how he treated his host, I berated him for his actions. Now, I suppose you’ve eaten your fill, so if you’ll just let me