O Rourke's View Of Parenting

P. J. O'Rourke, a journalist, and political satirist states, “everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them”. In other words, O'Rourke believes that everyone has an opinion of how children should be raised except for individuals who have children themselves. As a new mother of twin girls, I have learned that trial, and error are consequential in parenting. Trial, and error are major parts of parenting because we do not always know what we are doing or if what we are doing is right for the child. It follows then, that many parents are unaware of the proper techniques to discipline their children. To put it another way, parents are often confused about effective ways to set limits and instill self-control in their children.

Bruno Bettelheim, an Austrian born American developmental psychologist, himself writes, “the majority of those who have asked my opinions on discipline have spoken of it as something that parents impose on children, rather than something that parents instill in them. What they really seem to have in mind is punishment”. Basically, Bettelheim is saying parents, who had sought him out for his opinion, believed discipline is something that you force onto children, rather than helping children learn self-control. Bettelheim also believes that those parents were referring to punishment, rather than discipline. So, what is the difference between punishment, and discipline? In addition, what is the outcome from a child that has been disciplined, and a child that has been punished? Parents have the same goal in mind, which is getting the child to stop the undesirable behavior, when disciplining or punishing the child. For example, the parent wants the child to stop talking back, running around the store, or throwing a tantrum because the child did not receive what they wanted. However, the approach to correcting the behavior, punishment or discipline, determines whether the goal is going to be a long term or short term. Punishment is imposing “suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution” (Merriam-Webster's collegiate dictionary, 2003). Therefore, punishment makes stopping the undesirable behavior of the child a short-term goal because it does not teach the child effective tools in managing their behavior. In short, punishment lowers a child's self-esteem because punishment makes the child believe that the child themselves is bad, rather than their actions. In addition, “punishment teaches a child that those who have power can force others to do their will” (Bettelheim, 1985). To put it another way, punishment teaches children that they can force others to do what they want even if the other person is unwilling. On the other hand, discipline is teaching a child how to correct their behavior and strengthen “mental ability or moral character” (Merriam-Webster's collegiate dictionary, 2003). In turn, the disciplinary approach to stopping bad behavior in children is a long-term goal because not only does discipline, correct the behavior, but discipline also teaches the child how to manage their behavior. Furthermore, children raised with authoritarian parents that use the punitive approach are teaching their children to be devious. “Punishment teaches foremost the desirability of not getting caught, so the child who before punishment was open in this actions now learns to hide them and becomes devious”(Bettelheim, 1985). In short, a child learns to hide their wrong doing so their parents do not find out. In addition, children learn from watching their parents and following their parent's examples; thus, a child raised in a home with physical punishment, learns that using violence is a viable form of solving problems or settling conflicts, which can cause the child to use physical force with others throughout their childhood, and in adulthood as well. Even though both parental approaches to correcting a child's behavior have the same goal, whether long term or short, the methods to achieving desirable behavior of the child are very different. As an illustration, I know a child, Jack, who is four years of age, that has been raised with the punitive approach. Jack would act out often; in fact, he would not respond to his father when asked a question, put his toys away, and would run on the couch, against his father's wishes. As a result of acting out, Jack's father would yell at Jack to do what it he was supposed to do; yet, after some time of being yelled at, this was an ineffective form of punishment for Jack. So, Jack's father, then tried using time out. However, being in time out also stopped working to halt Jack from misbehaving. This left Jack's father, with what seemed to be his last option, spanking Jack. In contrast, I also know a child, Emily five years of age, that was raised with the disciplinary approach. Emily is like Jack, she would sometimes ignore her grandfather when he would speak to her, she would not put her toys away, and she would yell at her grandfather when she did not get her way. Unlike Jack's father, Emily's guardian did not yell at her, instead he used a calmer talkative approach to her disobedience. Emily's grandfather would ask her what the reason was for disobeying his wishes, or throwing a tantrum. Then Emily's grandfather would help her solve the issues that were causing her undesirable behavior, such as, turning down the television because she did not hear him speak to her. However, if Emily's grandfather helped her solve the issue, or there was no real problem to her misbehaving he would then put her in time out. It follows, then, that the punitive approach to correct a child's bad behavior is harsh, and eventually could inflict pain on the child; while, the discipline approach is milder, and gets to the root of why the child is misbehaving. Since punishment and discipline have different methods in correcting disobedience of a child, the two approaches also have diverse outcomes. As a result of Jack being raised with the punitive approach, he now fears his father. In fact, every time Jack's father raises his hand towards Jack, even for a simple high five, Jack is afraid his father is going to spank him; thus, Jack misbehaves very often, even though he knows the consequences. However, since Emily had been raised with the disciplinary approach, she does not fear her guardian. In fact, whenever Emily as a problem that she alone cannot solve she would then ask her grandfather for help. Granted, Emily is only five years old, so she is going to misbehave: however, overall she follows her grandfather's wishes, and rarely acts out. In sum, then a child who is punished would eventually fear the parent, or guardian, and continue to misbehave; whereas, a child who is disciplined will reach out to the parent or guardian, and ask for help with other issues the child will face, and the child will misbehave less often. A child who is disciplined will misbehave less because they are taught how to correct their behavior, and why it is unacceptable to misbehave. In conclusion, then there is no clear divide that separates punishment, and discipline; however, punishment damages a child's psyche. Inflicting psychical pain makes the child afraid of the parent, or guardian. In addition, punishment damages the child's self-esteem because they believe that they are bad, rather than their actions. While discipline teaches a child why their actions were bad, and how to manage their behavior.