Prescription Drug Abuse Satire

Every day in the United States, an average of two thousand teenagers use prescription drugs without a doctor’s guidance for the first time. Prescription drug abuse is the number one killer of middle aged Floridians, killing an average of 9 people per day in Florida. How should we fix this issue in Florida and save other people from putting their lives in jeopardy? I propose that anyone who has a record of prescription drug abuse should be forced to be the government’s guinea pigs. They have to completely submit themselves to the government as a consequence of abusing pills. Having this in place would deter people from taking prescription drugs, save animals from being tested on, and it would also expedite the process of government drug testing.
Seeing how miserable their lives could become, this will dissuade younger kids and anyone questioning whether to take prescriptions drugs from doing so. Clearly, this will scare many people, considering the many side effects the drugs that the government is testing may have. These human test subjects may even die throughout the course of testing these drugs, but this is the price you pay for utilizing prescription drugs for non-medical purposes.
Secondly, having these human subjects will save all animals from being tested on. Many animals are abused and mistreated during the drug testing process. Monkeys get addicted to drugs and have holes drilled into their skulls. Tiny mice grow tumors the size of their entire bodies. Kittens are blinded purposefully. My proposal will save all of these cute, fluffy, and innocent animals from being permanently injured or possibly killed from government drug testing.
Last but not least, my proposal will greatly expedite the process of government drug testing. Nowadays, if the government wants to legalize a drug, they have to do lots of basic research along with many other steps, and then they get into animal testing. The final stage is human testing, which can take years to get to. By having these criminals at the government’s disposal to test their drugs, it will speed the drug testing process and legalize potentially life-saving drugs, not only for Florida but also the entire United States.
As I have clearly spelled out, my proposition will be effective in not only the ways I have mentioned, but many other ways as well. Taking all the prescription drug abusers in Florida and forcing them to be at the hands of the government will greatly improve the overall health and safety of Florida.