Stereotypes Of Marriage In Ghana
Marriage Marriage is a normal social institution in many countries. In America society leads its people to believe that marriage is the right thing to do. Many Americans feel if they don't get married they lack a major piece of themselves. America leads people to believe that if they don't marry they are incomplete. However, this is not the case in many African societies. In these societies people marry for other reasons. For instance, the men of the Ashanti of Ghana marry wives to help with the economic work. A wife can also give him children who can also help with household chores. The Ashanti live in central Ghana in western Africa approximately 300km. away from the coast (Berry 13). The Ashanti are a major ethnic group of the Akans. Ghana is a new nation, barely more than 50 years old. Ghana, previously
…show more content…
the Gold Coast, was a British colony until 1957 (26). It is now politically separated into four main parts. Ashanti is in the center and Kumasi is the capital.
To the Ashanti, the mother's family is most important. A child is said to inherit the father's soul or spirit (ntoro) and from the mother a child inherit flesh and blood (mogya), (Lystad 37). This relates them more closely to the mother's family. The Ashanti live in an extended family. The family lives in various homes or huts that are set up around a courtyard. The head of the household is usually the oldest brother that lives there. He is chosen by the elders. He is called either Father or Housefather (39).
Girls are taught cooking and housekeeping skills by their mothers. They also work the fields and bring in necessary items, such as water, for the group.
Marriage is very important to Ashanti life and it can be polygamous. Men may want more than one wife to express their ability to be generous and support a large family ( Connah 78). Women in the Ashanti culture will not marry without the consent of their parents. Many women do not meet their husbands until they are married. Even so, divorce is very rare in the Ashanti culture and it is a duty of parents on both sides to keep a marriage going ( Lystad 45).
The Ashanti religion is a mixture of spiritual and supernatural powers (Connah 97). They believe that plants, animals, and trees have souls. They also believe in fairies, witches, and forest monsters. There are a variety of religious beliefs involving ancestors, higher gods, or abosom, and Nyame', the Supreme Being of Ashanti (108). The Ashanti also practice many rites for marriage, death, puberty, and birth.
The Ashanti have a wide variety of arts. Bark cloth was used for clothing before weaving was introduced. With weaving, there is cotton and silk. Women may pick cotton or spin materials into thread, but only men are allowed to weave (Kweku). There are different patterns in weaving, each with its own name. Sometimes the pattern represents social status, a clan, a saying, or the sex of the one wearing it (Kweku). Patterns are not always woven in the cloth. It can also be stamped on in many designs. Pottery is a skill that is taught to a daughter by the mother (Kweku). There are many stages to making pots and there are many colors of clay available. The Ashanti also do woodcarving and metal casting.
Marriage in American society is also extremely important. Marriage in American society is polygamous. Multiple partners are illegal in this society. There is usually a long courtship between two individuals before they decide to marry. The process that leads to marriage is very different in the Ashanti culture and the American culture. An Ashanti "became marriageable when she reached puberty" (Lystad 55). "Love does have something to do with it, but not much" (56).
Unmarried girls who don't show shyness toward men are seen as less desirable than girls who do. Girls who attend coeducational schools are seen as less shy than other girls. "These school girls are rumored to be more sexually promiscuous than other, although this isn't necessarily true" (57). The fear of the consequences if discovered, limits the amount of sexually activity before marriage.
Extramarital activities are less reprehensible for men than for women. "If the wife feels that she is suffering a grieving hardship she can ask for the husband's family to restrain him for his infidelity or if that fails she may ask for a divorce" (59). This if the husband continues to participate in extramarital activities. "Throughout all of this she must stay faithful to her husband or she may find herself as a defendant in a divorce court" (59). In these courts the husband may argue that his wife's lover has tampered with his "property" and shall pay. "The lover is fined and the wife is left in shame" (58).
"In Ashanti, marriage is less an agreement entered into by two individuals before God or the justice of the peace than it is a social contract between two families, each represented by a partner to the marriage" (58). Before the two marry the in-laws first investigate one another. If this does not occur the two cannot marry. This way the two families can show their approval of one another before the marriage and this lowers the chance of a potential divorce after the marriage has already occurred. "Because a marriage binds two large families closely together it is not to be entered into inadvisedly, but reverently, discreetly, and in fear of the social consequences of an ill-conceived union" (59).
"The questions asked by the two families are for the most part familiar: How old she? Has she been married previously? Why did her earlier marriage fail? Does she possess the personality of a good woman? Is she educated in the womanly arts? Will she work hard? Will she bear many children? Will she raise her women well? Does she come from a fine family? Is it a prosperous family? Is she from a powerful family? Is she from a royal family?" (Connah 170).
Today many men and women are ignoring some of the traditional rules of Ashanti marriages. "According to the grandparents, there is more of this unorthodox marital foolishness in these modern, troublesome times when the young men and women are losing respect for their elders and for the "real Ashanti", but even now it takes a thoroughly rebellious, sadly disorganized, or disappointingly modernized youngster to ignore completely the time-tested patterns. If all the tests are passed by both families the two young individuals are married.
The bride, the groom, the bride's family and the groom's family come together for a quiet ceremony without a clergy or the justice of peace. "Marriages are not made in heaven and therefore no divine sanction is necessary " (Lystad 61). During the ceremony the groom's family gives to the bride's family a small sum of money and gifts. "The value of such payments is relatively small, frequently amounting in these fairly prosperous days to no more than $25" (61). A groom's family may offer more, and a bride's family may demand more. However, it is rarely a large sum. Nor is the money and gifts meant to represent the purchasing of property. "A woman is by no mean an animal to be bought and sold; she normally plays the subordinate role in the family life, but she has well-guarded personal rights which life her out of the category of mere property" (62). The bride wealth is simply a token of agreement reached between the bride and the groom and their families. This is how the families mutually pledge their faithfulness and support. After these events occur the couple is married and there will be a small party. The bride and groom then go to his home where his new wife prepares him a meal.
Variations on these marriage customs have appeared in more recent years, but the old Ashanti ideals are still respected. The slight increase in marriages without the support of either clergy or families is viewed as a stupid. "Why, the elders ask, should a young woman risk her security by living with a man who refuses to prove his integrity by fulfilling his marriage customs?" (62). They have pledged nothing to each other so they can't expect anything from each other. However, many of these marriages work out just as the traditional marriages do. The elders tend to forget that.
Christian marriages are low in numbers. "For one thing, they are more costly, entailing extra fees, entertainment, and gifts consonant with the Western standard of values that the church symbolizes" (73). A church wedding also jeopardizes the future freedom of a man having multiple wives. "All the Christian churches forbid plural marriages and cite the New Testament injunctions against them" (63). So, while there is nothing wrong with Christian marriages, many families don't feel the need for those ceremonies to be performed.
The overall status of a woman is determined by the roles she plays as a wife and a mother. "When she is married her place of residence is determined by her husband to suit his purposes" (Connah 167). Most marriages are patrilocal. If her husband prefers to allow her to remain with her family she must live life wondering what his activities are while they are apart.
The amount of work performed by a woman is one of the few reasons they rarely oppose their husbands taking another wife. "Having more than one wife confers prestige and more offspring in addition to increasing the wealth and reducing toil of previous wives who have served faithfully and are deserving of a more leisurely life" (169). There is jealously in many polygynous households, but for the most part, everyone is happy. This system may not be seen as the American girl's dream of an idyllic marriage, but it may not fall short of an American boy's idyllic marriage. More importantly, "few Ashanti, married or unmarried, regard a mate as an exclusive, private possession or marriage as a divine institution created for the satisfaction of a couple of people, their few children, and for the glory of gods" (Lystad 69).
Divorces are not easily performed. Unless it is an issue of the wife not producing children, or adultery, the families try their best to persuade the two to work out their differences. If the woman is found at fault for the divorce the bride wealth is returned. If the man is at fault the bride wealth remains with the bride's family. If a divorce occurs the wife may return to her family with her daughters and young sons. If this happens the father may request his son's return when they reach school age. However, they will return to their mother's family in their late adolescent years.
American societies have many differences from the Ashanti society. In American families children are considered to be part of both the mother's and the father's family. However, many children are more closely knitted with the family of their mother's. An African woman once said "you may not know your father, but you always know who your mother is" (Kweku). This shows when children are asked about their siblings. Many children with the same mothers consider themselves siblings. However, when the children only share a common father they may refer to their sibling as half-brothers or half-sisters.
American households are usually made up of the immediate family and may consist of some extended family members. Girls are taught cooking and housekeeping skills just as they are in the Ashanti society. In some American households the father takes on the role as head of the household, but it is not rare to see female headed households.
Marriage in America is polygamous, multiple marriages are not legal. Many groups in America approve of multiple marriages, but these marriages are not acknowledged by the law. Women in American society can choose their partners without the consent of their parents. This date back to the eighteen hundreds when "children were slipping from their parents' control- as more and more children were becoming free to earn and therefore travel, love, marry, and eventually think" (Graff 24). Many women have a period of courtship with a man before deciding to marry him. However, "divorce rates in America are all too high in numbers" (Hackstaff 54). When couples in America decide to get divorced it is their decision and rarely does the extended family try to help the couple reconcile.
Unmarried girls in America are allowed and in some ways, encouraged to date. Most children attend co-educational schools and begin dating in their teenage years. Premarital sex, although it is not necessarily encouraged, it is not frowned upon the way the Ashanti's frown upon such behavior. "The sexual revolution significantly liberalized views toward premarital sex and sex unrelated to marriage" (Hackstaff 37).
Extramarital sex is frowned upon on both males and females. "Any sex outside of the marriage- adultery, sodomy, or rape .are considered legal offenses " (Graff 68). If some one discovers that their spouse is engaging in any of these activities, he or she may demand a divorce. It is the left up to a judge to decide thing such as "who gets and supports the children? Must a man compensate his wife for her years of devotion and care, if so, how? Should he or she be punished for their sexual activities? Etc" (237).
In America many people will say that they marry for love's sake. When they find someone they love and want of spend the rest of their lives with, they marry. E.J. Graff disagrees. He gives five reasons for marriage. They are "money, sex, babies, kin, and order" (Graff). Marriage is not the binding of two families; it is the binding of two individuals financially, sexually, and emotionally. Parents of the couple may want to know basic information about their child's choice of spouse, but the children isn't required to wait for their approval to proceed with the marriage. The man may give the women a ring to wear during their engagement leading to the marriage. This does not make her his property. It is simply a token of affection, that also symbolizes she is out of the dating market. After the marriage ceremony many couples go on a honeymoon and reside at the same residence for the duration of their marriage.
Many people in America are married in a church or by the clergy. "Marriage is seen by the church as an institution for legitimized sex" ( Graff 67). Sex is required among married couples. "The protestants were just as stern about enforcing marital sex as they were about banning the extramarital and premarital" (68).
Interviews were given to two ladies, one which was a woman from the Akan society of Ghana, and the other who was African American. As I conducted my interviews I realized that the two women had a lot in common although they were from two different societies.
The first woman was Mrs. Mary Kweku from the nation of Ghana. She's 59 years old and was married for 11 years before her husband had a sudden death. Mrs. Kweku never remarried and raised her children in America. She has three children, two boys and one girl. All of these children were fathered by her husband. Her husband was only three years older than she. They didn't follow Akan culture when they married and were looked down upon for that. She stated that this was one of the reasons she wanted to raise her children in America. She expressed that she couldn't remember when she first met her husband. They were young children at the time and had seen each other multiple times during her childhood. Her husband's cousin had married Mary's older sister and that is when they began secretly seeing one another. This was when Mary was only 17. They always talked about marriage and one day decided to go to another town and act on their wishes. The couple stayed secretly married for years before her family discovered the secret. Mary was unclear about her family's reaction to the marriage. All she could tell me was that they were not happy. She also never made it clear how she arrived in America. However, she did tell me that when she arrived here her husband died of a sudden heart attack and she was left with her three children alone here in the states. I attempted to add up the numbers as well as I could. I concluded that Mary must have stayed in Africa for about ten years after her marriage before coming to the states. She resided in Philadelphia and she has worked as a dietary aid at a local retirement community for some time now. Mary didn't have a traditional wedding so most of my questions didn't apply to her situation. However, she was able to tell me that she decided to marry because she loved her husband. Love is all that mattered to her. She didn't like the idea of having co-wives and her husband never married another woman. She stated that she married because her heart told her that it was the right thing to do. She didn't want to get married in a church the way the rest of her family did, this gives a reason why her and her husband kept their plans secret. Despite her families disapproval of her action she still describes her marriage as successful. She had three beautiful children and that is the ultimate success according to Mary. She expressed that she would feel incomplete if she lost her husband without having children first. Their children are their eternal bond.
Mary expressed how physical attractiveness and sex was highly overrated. She cherished the fact that her and her husband was friends more than anything. She believes that being friends with your lover is the key to a successful relationship. Her views were extremely different from the research that I did on the Akan people. She stated to me that she had adopted the British ways of thinking although she's not necessarily proud of that. Although she adopted their way of thinking she never believed in divorce. She stated that she would have never thought about divorcing her husband. That was the easy way out of a situation according to her. She and her husband were also very religious and they believed that God can fix any problem that occurs. After Mary and I talked for about thirty minutes I began to ask her about her children. She decided to concentrate on he daughter and chose not to comment on her sons as much. Her daughter decided to have a traditional Akan marriage. She married an Akan man and they both decided to return to Africa to have the ceremony. Mary expressed that she expected her daughter to marry. She had always waited for the day that her daughter would come and ask her permission to marry. What Mary didn't expect was for her daughter to find another Akan. She was extremely honored that her child married and Akan man. She advised that married life is not all fun and games. It is a lot of sacrifice and work. She told her daughter she must take care of her husband and she should expect the same from him. She expressed that she is looking forward to having grand-children soon and is trying to make her daughter married life better than her family made hers.
As I spoke to Mary about her daughters wedding, her statements contradicted some of my research. She stated that most people where she comes from get married in a church, when my research stated differently. She also gave a lot of different amounts of money that the groom and his family give to the bride's family. In my research it states that the amount of money is not large. According to her the dowry is from $500 to $1000. However, this is not the only fee the groom must pay. There is a knocking fee of $10. There is compensation to the mother in the amount of $100. The father receives $50. The brothers receive $25. The friends present at the ceremony receive $12 for the group. There is also $12 given to the family for accepting the proposal.
Gertha May Rowe-Chappelle is the African American woman I decided to interview. She is 61 and has been married for 25 years. This is her second marriage. She has four children, which are not fathered by her husband. Her husband is 74, thirteen years older than she is. She is a retired disbatcher for the Philadelphai parking Authority and he is a disabled veteran. They also grew up in the same neighborhood, so she feels like she has known him forever. There was no proposal and no engagement between the two. She joined the church and told him they must get married or they could no longer be together. Religion was their reason for marriage. She always wanted a mild mannered and mild tempered man. She also wanted a man who could take control and make her feel secure. She saw all these things in her husband. She sees a successful marriage as two friends who have put God in the middle of their marriage. She also stated that for a marriage to be successful the two must realize that marriage is not a 50-50 relationship. There is always going to be someone who is more giving and who is more dominant in a marriage. She also believes that physical attractiveness and sex is highly overrated. She agrees that physical attractiveness is what initially gets your attention, but it's what is on the inside that keeps a person. She believes that you have to be friends with your spouse and give one another companionship. It is human nature to want companionship. Many marriages break up because it is lacking this one small aspect according to Gertha. She also believes that a marriage needs children. Although she and her husband don't have nay common children, she still believes that children bring two people closer together than anything else out there. She also does not believe in divorce unless it is violence involved. Under any other circumstances, the couple should pray and God will work the problem out.
Gertha also expects her children to marry.
She feel that if the bride is still living at home when she decides to marry her parents should pay, but if she is already living on her own, the couple should be responsible for the expenses. She tells all her children to make sure they are friends with their lovers because as you grow old love changes. It becomes more of a mutual respect for one another and you can't fully respect someone unless you like them and are friends with them. She also expressed to her children that she expects them to give her plenty of grand-children.
I told both women that "children are keen observers of their parents' marriages" (Seigel 2). When you are not noticing children are sense happiness and hostility between people and draw their own conclusions of the situation. "These conclusions will become a permanent part of their beliefs and expectations, and will prepare them to form their own marital relationships when they are older" (2). I then asked them if they thought they set a good example for their children through their own actions. They both answered with a definite yes. There was no doubt in their
voices.
As I observed the similarities and the differences in the women's stories, I noticed some things. Both wives thought that friendship was important to a marriage. They both thought that children were necessary and they are a special bond between the couple. Both women wanted their children to have weddings simply because they wanted their children to experience things that they never have. Neither of them felt that physical attractiveness or sex was a major issue of marriage. The major difference I realized whiled talking to both women is that the African American woman emphasized religion lot more than the African woman did. I found that very odd because I though it would be the opposite. The African woman felt that it was always the man's duty to pay for the wedding, which was different from the African American woman's views. However, they both felt that their children should be married in a church. They also both expected their children to have their own children.
I realized that these two women have more in common than I thought they would. I think this is partly because the African woman always wanted to live like the British and now that she has been in America her views have become somewhat Americanized. I think a woman that is still living in Africa and has traditional African customs would have been a lot more beneficial for my research.
the Gold Coast, was a British colony until 1957 (26). It is now politically separated into four main parts. Ashanti is in the center and Kumasi is the capital.
To the Ashanti, the mother's family is most important. A child is said to inherit the father's soul or spirit (ntoro) and from the mother a child inherit flesh and blood (mogya), (Lystad 37). This relates them more closely to the mother's family. The Ashanti live in an extended family. The family lives in various homes or huts that are set up around a courtyard. The head of the household is usually the oldest brother that lives there. He is chosen by the elders. He is called either Father or Housefather (39).
Girls are taught cooking and housekeeping skills by their mothers. They also work the fields and bring in necessary items, such as water, for the group.
Marriage is very important to Ashanti life and it can be polygamous. Men may want more than one wife to express their ability to be generous and support a large family ( Connah 78). Women in the Ashanti culture will not marry without the consent of their parents. Many women do not meet their husbands until they are married. Even so, divorce is very rare in the Ashanti culture and it is a duty of parents on both sides to keep a marriage going ( Lystad 45).
The Ashanti religion is a mixture of spiritual and supernatural powers (Connah 97). They believe that plants, animals, and trees have souls. They also believe in fairies, witches, and forest monsters. There are a variety of religious beliefs involving ancestors, higher gods, or abosom, and Nyame', the Supreme Being of Ashanti (108). The Ashanti also practice many rites for marriage, death, puberty, and birth.
The Ashanti have a wide variety of arts. Bark cloth was used for clothing before weaving was introduced. With weaving, there is cotton and silk. Women may pick cotton or spin materials into thread, but only men are allowed to weave (Kweku). There are different patterns in weaving, each with its own name. Sometimes the pattern represents social status, a clan, a saying, or the sex of the one wearing it (Kweku). Patterns are not always woven in the cloth. It can also be stamped on in many designs. Pottery is a skill that is taught to a daughter by the mother (Kweku). There are many stages to making pots and there are many colors of clay available. The Ashanti also do woodcarving and metal casting.
Marriage in American society is also extremely important. Marriage in American society is polygamous. Multiple partners are illegal in this society. There is usually a long courtship between two individuals before they decide to marry. The process that leads to marriage is very different in the Ashanti culture and the American culture. An Ashanti "became marriageable when she reached puberty" (Lystad 55). "Love does have something to do with it, but not much" (56).
Unmarried girls who don't show shyness toward men are seen as less desirable than girls who do. Girls who attend coeducational schools are seen as less shy than other girls. "These school girls are rumored to be more sexually promiscuous than other, although this isn't necessarily true" (57). The fear of the consequences if discovered, limits the amount of sexually activity before marriage.
Extramarital activities are less reprehensible for men than for women. "If the wife feels that she is suffering a grieving hardship she can ask for the husband's family to restrain him for his infidelity or if that fails she may ask for a divorce" (59). This if the husband continues to participate in extramarital activities. "Throughout all of this she must stay faithful to her husband or she may find herself as a defendant in a divorce court" (59). In these courts the husband may argue that his wife's lover has tampered with his "property" and shall pay. "The lover is fined and the wife is left in shame" (58).
"In Ashanti, marriage is less an agreement entered into by two individuals before God or the justice of the peace than it is a social contract between two families, each represented by a partner to the marriage" (58). Before the two marry the in-laws first investigate one another. If this does not occur the two cannot marry. This way the two families can show their approval of one another before the marriage and this lowers the chance of a potential divorce after the marriage has already occurred. "Because a marriage binds two large families closely together it is not to be entered into inadvisedly, but reverently, discreetly, and in fear of the social consequences of an ill-conceived union" (59).
"The questions asked by the two families are for the most part familiar: How old she? Has she been married previously? Why did her earlier marriage fail? Does she possess the personality of a good woman? Is she educated in the womanly arts? Will she work hard? Will she bear many children? Will she raise her women well? Does she come from a fine family? Is it a prosperous family? Is she from a powerful family? Is she from a royal family?" (Connah 170).
Today many men and women are ignoring some of the traditional rules of Ashanti marriages. "According to the grandparents, there is more of this unorthodox marital foolishness in these modern, troublesome times when the young men and women are losing respect for their elders and for the "real Ashanti", but even now it takes a thoroughly rebellious, sadly disorganized, or disappointingly modernized youngster to ignore completely the time-tested patterns. If all the tests are passed by both families the two young individuals are married.
The bride, the groom, the bride's family and the groom's family come together for a quiet ceremony without a clergy or the justice of peace. "Marriages are not made in heaven and therefore no divine sanction is necessary " (Lystad 61). During the ceremony the groom's family gives to the bride's family a small sum of money and gifts. "The value of such payments is relatively small, frequently amounting in these fairly prosperous days to no more than $25" (61). A groom's family may offer more, and a bride's family may demand more. However, it is rarely a large sum. Nor is the money and gifts meant to represent the purchasing of property. "A woman is by no mean an animal to be bought and sold; she normally plays the subordinate role in the family life, but she has well-guarded personal rights which life her out of the category of mere property" (62). The bride wealth is simply a token of agreement reached between the bride and the groom and their families. This is how the families mutually pledge their faithfulness and support. After these events occur the couple is married and there will be a small party. The bride and groom then go to his home where his new wife prepares him a meal.
Variations on these marriage customs have appeared in more recent years, but the old Ashanti ideals are still respected. The slight increase in marriages without the support of either clergy or families is viewed as a stupid. "Why, the elders ask, should a young woman risk her security by living with a man who refuses to prove his integrity by fulfilling his marriage customs?" (62). They have pledged nothing to each other so they can't expect anything from each other. However, many of these marriages work out just as the traditional marriages do. The elders tend to forget that.
Christian marriages are low in numbers. "For one thing, they are more costly, entailing extra fees, entertainment, and gifts consonant with the Western standard of values that the church symbolizes" (73). A church wedding also jeopardizes the future freedom of a man having multiple wives. "All the Christian churches forbid plural marriages and cite the New Testament injunctions against them" (63). So, while there is nothing wrong with Christian marriages, many families don't feel the need for those ceremonies to be performed.
The overall status of a woman is determined by the roles she plays as a wife and a mother. "When she is married her place of residence is determined by her husband to suit his purposes" (Connah 167). Most marriages are patrilocal. If her husband prefers to allow her to remain with her family she must live life wondering what his activities are while they are apart.
The amount of work performed by a woman is one of the few reasons they rarely oppose their husbands taking another wife. "Having more than one wife confers prestige and more offspring in addition to increasing the wealth and reducing toil of previous wives who have served faithfully and are deserving of a more leisurely life" (169). There is jealously in many polygynous households, but for the most part, everyone is happy. This system may not be seen as the American girl's dream of an idyllic marriage, but it may not fall short of an American boy's idyllic marriage. More importantly, "few Ashanti, married or unmarried, regard a mate as an exclusive, private possession or marriage as a divine institution created for the satisfaction of a couple of people, their few children, and for the glory of gods" (Lystad 69).
Divorces are not easily performed. Unless it is an issue of the wife not producing children, or adultery, the families try their best to persuade the two to work out their differences. If the woman is found at fault for the divorce the bride wealth is returned. If the man is at fault the bride wealth remains with the bride's family. If a divorce occurs the wife may return to her family with her daughters and young sons. If this happens the father may request his son's return when they reach school age. However, they will return to their mother's family in their late adolescent years.
American societies have many differences from the Ashanti society. In American families children are considered to be part of both the mother's and the father's family. However, many children are more closely knitted with the family of their mother's. An African woman once said "you may not know your father, but you always know who your mother is" (Kweku). This shows when children are asked about their siblings. Many children with the same mothers consider themselves siblings. However, when the children only share a common father they may refer to their sibling as half-brothers or half-sisters.
American households are usually made up of the immediate family and may consist of some extended family members. Girls are taught cooking and housekeeping skills just as they are in the Ashanti society. In some American households the father takes on the role as head of the household, but it is not rare to see female headed households.
Marriage in America is polygamous, multiple marriages are not legal. Many groups in America approve of multiple marriages, but these marriages are not acknowledged by the law. Women in American society can choose their partners without the consent of their parents. This date back to the eighteen hundreds when "children were slipping from their parents' control- as more and more children were becoming free to earn and therefore travel, love, marry, and eventually think" (Graff 24). Many women have a period of courtship with a man before deciding to marry him. However, "divorce rates in America are all too high in numbers" (Hackstaff 54). When couples in America decide to get divorced it is their decision and rarely does the extended family try to help the couple reconcile.
Unmarried girls in America are allowed and in some ways, encouraged to date. Most children attend co-educational schools and begin dating in their teenage years. Premarital sex, although it is not necessarily encouraged, it is not frowned upon the way the Ashanti's frown upon such behavior. "The sexual revolution significantly liberalized views toward premarital sex and sex unrelated to marriage" (Hackstaff 37).
Extramarital sex is frowned upon on both males and females. "Any sex outside of the marriage- adultery, sodomy, or rape .are considered legal offenses " (Graff 68). If some one discovers that their spouse is engaging in any of these activities, he or she may demand a divorce. It is the left up to a judge to decide thing such as "who gets and supports the children? Must a man compensate his wife for her years of devotion and care, if so, how? Should he or she be punished for their sexual activities? Etc" (237).
In America many people will say that they marry for love's sake. When they find someone they love and want of spend the rest of their lives with, they marry. E.J. Graff disagrees. He gives five reasons for marriage. They are "money, sex, babies, kin, and order" (Graff). Marriage is not the binding of two families; it is the binding of two individuals financially, sexually, and emotionally. Parents of the couple may want to know basic information about their child's choice of spouse, but the children isn't required to wait for their approval to proceed with the marriage. The man may give the women a ring to wear during their engagement leading to the marriage. This does not make her his property. It is simply a token of affection, that also symbolizes she is out of the dating market. After the marriage ceremony many couples go on a honeymoon and reside at the same residence for the duration of their marriage.
Many people in America are married in a church or by the clergy. "Marriage is seen by the church as an institution for legitimized sex" ( Graff 67). Sex is required among married couples. "The protestants were just as stern about enforcing marital sex as they were about banning the extramarital and premarital" (68).
Interviews were given to two ladies, one which was a woman from the Akan society of Ghana, and the other who was African American. As I conducted my interviews I realized that the two women had a lot in common although they were from two different societies.
The first woman was Mrs. Mary Kweku from the nation of Ghana. She's 59 years old and was married for 11 years before her husband had a sudden death. Mrs. Kweku never remarried and raised her children in America. She has three children, two boys and one girl. All of these children were fathered by her husband. Her husband was only three years older than she. They didn't follow Akan culture when they married and were looked down upon for that. She stated that this was one of the reasons she wanted to raise her children in America. She expressed that she couldn't remember when she first met her husband. They were young children at the time and had seen each other multiple times during her childhood. Her husband's cousin had married Mary's older sister and that is when they began secretly seeing one another. This was when Mary was only 17. They always talked about marriage and one day decided to go to another town and act on their wishes. The couple stayed secretly married for years before her family discovered the secret. Mary was unclear about her family's reaction to the marriage. All she could tell me was that they were not happy. She also never made it clear how she arrived in America. However, she did tell me that when she arrived here her husband died of a sudden heart attack and she was left with her three children alone here in the states. I attempted to add up the numbers as well as I could. I concluded that Mary must have stayed in Africa for about ten years after her marriage before coming to the states. She resided in Philadelphia and she has worked as a dietary aid at a local retirement community for some time now. Mary didn't have a traditional wedding so most of my questions didn't apply to her situation. However, she was able to tell me that she decided to marry because she loved her husband. Love is all that mattered to her. She didn't like the idea of having co-wives and her husband never married another woman. She stated that she married because her heart told her that it was the right thing to do. She didn't want to get married in a church the way the rest of her family did, this gives a reason why her and her husband kept their plans secret. Despite her families disapproval of her action she still describes her marriage as successful. She had three beautiful children and that is the ultimate success according to Mary. She expressed that she would feel incomplete if she lost her husband without having children first. Their children are their eternal bond.
Mary expressed how physical attractiveness and sex was highly overrated. She cherished the fact that her and her husband was friends more than anything. She believes that being friends with your lover is the key to a successful relationship. Her views were extremely different from the research that I did on the Akan people. She stated to me that she had adopted the British ways of thinking although she's not necessarily proud of that. Although she adopted their way of thinking she never believed in divorce. She stated that she would have never thought about divorcing her husband. That was the easy way out of a situation according to her. She and her husband were also very religious and they believed that God can fix any problem that occurs. After Mary and I talked for about thirty minutes I began to ask her about her children. She decided to concentrate on he daughter and chose not to comment on her sons as much. Her daughter decided to have a traditional Akan marriage. She married an Akan man and they both decided to return to Africa to have the ceremony. Mary expressed that she expected her daughter to marry. She had always waited for the day that her daughter would come and ask her permission to marry. What Mary didn't expect was for her daughter to find another Akan. She was extremely honored that her child married and Akan man. She advised that married life is not all fun and games. It is a lot of sacrifice and work. She told her daughter she must take care of her husband and she should expect the same from him. She expressed that she is looking forward to having grand-children soon and is trying to make her daughter married life better than her family made hers.
As I spoke to Mary about her daughters wedding, her statements contradicted some of my research. She stated that most people where she comes from get married in a church, when my research stated differently. She also gave a lot of different amounts of money that the groom and his family give to the bride's family. In my research it states that the amount of money is not large. According to her the dowry is from $500 to $1000. However, this is not the only fee the groom must pay. There is a knocking fee of $10. There is compensation to the mother in the amount of $100. The father receives $50. The brothers receive $25. The friends present at the ceremony receive $12 for the group. There is also $12 given to the family for accepting the proposal.
Gertha May Rowe-Chappelle is the African American woman I decided to interview. She is 61 and has been married for 25 years. This is her second marriage. She has four children, which are not fathered by her husband. Her husband is 74, thirteen years older than she is. She is a retired disbatcher for the Philadelphai parking Authority and he is a disabled veteran. They also grew up in the same neighborhood, so she feels like she has known him forever. There was no proposal and no engagement between the two. She joined the church and told him they must get married or they could no longer be together. Religion was their reason for marriage. She always wanted a mild mannered and mild tempered man. She also wanted a man who could take control and make her feel secure. She saw all these things in her husband. She sees a successful marriage as two friends who have put God in the middle of their marriage. She also stated that for a marriage to be successful the two must realize that marriage is not a 50-50 relationship. There is always going to be someone who is more giving and who is more dominant in a marriage. She also believes that physical attractiveness and sex is highly overrated. She agrees that physical attractiveness is what initially gets your attention, but it's what is on the inside that keeps a person. She believes that you have to be friends with your spouse and give one another companionship. It is human nature to want companionship. Many marriages break up because it is lacking this one small aspect according to Gertha. She also believes that a marriage needs children. Although she and her husband don't have nay common children, she still believes that children bring two people closer together than anything else out there. She also does not believe in divorce unless it is violence involved. Under any other circumstances, the couple should pray and God will work the problem out.
Gertha also expects her children to marry.
She feel that if the bride is still living at home when she decides to marry her parents should pay, but if she is already living on her own, the couple should be responsible for the expenses. She tells all her children to make sure they are friends with their lovers because as you grow old love changes. It becomes more of a mutual respect for one another and you can't fully respect someone unless you like them and are friends with them. She also expressed to her children that she expects them to give her plenty of grand-children.
I told both women that "children are keen observers of their parents' marriages" (Seigel 2). When you are not noticing children are sense happiness and hostility between people and draw their own conclusions of the situation. "These conclusions will become a permanent part of their beliefs and expectations, and will prepare them to form their own marital relationships when they are older" (2). I then asked them if they thought they set a good example for their children through their own actions. They both answered with a definite yes. There was no doubt in their
voices.
As I observed the similarities and the differences in the women's stories, I noticed some things. Both wives thought that friendship was important to a marriage. They both thought that children were necessary and they are a special bond between the couple. Both women wanted their children to have weddings simply because they wanted their children to experience things that they never have. Neither of them felt that physical attractiveness or sex was a major issue of marriage. The major difference I realized whiled talking to both women is that the African American woman emphasized religion lot more than the African woman did. I found that very odd because I though it would be the opposite. The African woman felt that it was always the man's duty to pay for the wedding, which was different from the African American woman's views. However, they both felt that their children should be married in a church. They also both expected their children to have their own children.
I realized that these two women have more in common than I thought they would. I think this is partly because the African woman always wanted to live like the British and now that she has been in America her views have become somewhat Americanized. I think a woman that is still living in Africa and has traditional African customs would have been a lot more beneficial for my research.