Summary Of How Not To Talk To Your Kids By Po Brronson

The adverse effects of praising children might not be apparent. However, in “How Not to Talk to Your Kids,” by Po Bronson the article clearly states how certain kinds of praises may be harmful to children. The more general the praising might be the more harmful it becomes. The author Bronson reveals that eighty-five percent of Americans believe that it is important to tell their children that they are smart. Many of these parents believe that positive reinforcement is the best. While in some instances, positive reinforcement works well, but as this article has shown that may not always be the case. In most instances, it may cause lower self-esteem, lower grades, and an inability to cope with failure. Reading through the article the author shows that positive reinforcement can be more harmful than positive. Studies show that children who are told they are smart are usually less
confident. Such was the case that involved Thomas giving up on things he was not good at; cursive, spelling, and fractions. Some children will even underestimate themselves out of fear and lack of confidence. The author goes on to write about the Nathaniel Branden’s book The Psychology of Self-Esteem. Branden views self-esteem as the most important characteristic. He goes on to say that teachers threw out their red pencils as a way to boost self-esteem. One may think this movement was a bit extreme. With no grading system, how can one truly tell where one needs improvement or help. When it comes to grading or criticism there needs to be a medium that does not destroy the self-esteem of children, rather encourage a stronger effort output. Many smarter children will not put in the effort if it does not come easy to them. Thomas’s father said it best, “Look, just because you’re smart doesn’t mean you don’t have to put out some effort.” (Thomas`s Father p.1) His father did not want to destroy his self-esteem, but he was very straight forward when stating that he needs to put more effort into things. Self esteem is important, but when parents stop letting their children experience failure when they are young, all parents are doing is setting up their children for hardships when they grow up. The next issue that Bronson noted was how children that are praised for being smart, often have lower grades than the average student.
For instance when scholars from Reed College and Stanford reviewed cases pertaining to students being praise, they found that students become unsure of themselves. The effects were so profound that students at times were unable to stay on task, or even provide straight answer. In a similar study researchers told students to write whatever grade that they wanted to show to a different school. Forty percent of those who were praised for being smart lied. This research shows that praised students are more worried about appearance rather than working hard. Study after study showed that these smart kids tend to coast on their natural brilliance, and never really challenge themselves in fear of looking dumb. However, “Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control,”(p.2) explained Carol Dweck. This control is essential for the child’s growth, development, and understanding that they have the ability to decided if they will succeed or
fail. The author gives examples outside of academia, according to studies at the University of Notre Dame their losing hockey team was praised on how many times that they would check the other team, and with that they made it to the playoffs. In a different example soccer coaches stop counting goals, and gave everyone on the team trophies. Competition is a natural occurrence in nature, and should not be stopped to spare the feeling of people. In the study it was also mentioned that children who are labeled as smart have a hard time coping with failure and things that do not come easy to them. In one of the studies conducted by Carol Dweck students were set up to fail. The students that were told they were smart buckled under the pressures of the test. To complete the experiment an easy test was given next. The same “smart” children scored twenty percent lower than in the first test. Bronson linked cheating with a higher demanding environment. The author also noted that female students have a harder time coping with failure than with their male counterparts. Often times intelligent children resort to cheating because they do not have the proper tools to cope with failing. This may not be the case for all intelligent students, but it is for some. At the end of the day if we all had Thomas’s mind set we would not have many successful people. It is not a problem with praising, it is more the type of praising we do. To truly help children grow, parents should be more precise in what way they are praising their children in, because only children under the age of seven take a praise for what it is. However, as early as age twelve children start to question the motivation of praises from their parents. Furthermore, as children progress into their teens the effects of generalized praising worsen to the point of being looked upon as criticism. Teens are wired to look at encouragement as a put down, when all parents want is to see their children succeed. However, most parents will use general praising and with time children learn to group general praising with sincere praising. Furthermore, if parents talk to their and show interest in what children are doing, parents will be able to praise their children properly. Additionally, parents should show that intelligence comes with hard work and dedication. That is the one true way to help children become successful in life. Even if tasks become overwhelming just remember to ask “What happens to your brain again, when it gets to think about something hard?”(Bronson p.6) “It gets bigger, like a muscle.” (Bronson p.6)