The Key Circumstances That Influenced My Life

The following are comprised of several specific quote’s-some likely paraphrased-that I feel have had a profound and unfavorable impact on me. Some points I may already have touched on. I feel these were key situations that influenced-either directly or indirectly-my inability to establish a solid foundation and greater self-worth.

“I am not telling you this for me…I am telling you this for you!” your insistence on the continuous need to remind me who’s birthday was approaching. I felt there was no trust I would remember; no faith that everything would naturally be ok regardless. I felt the focus was on how it might look if I forgot. How I might look-or you maybe. I learned to doubt myself that I could come through on my own; that I could
Help your mother find a husband!” Really? You said this on a few occasions and in a few different ways. I was never sure where this stood on the “appropriateness” scale. I wished you had not said this. I felt awkward. I am not sure why that was exactly, only that it was very uncomfortable. “You know what really disappoints me about the conversation we had the other day regarding all our kids graduating?” “That when we came around to you, it became about how you only just barely graduated!” You, Grandpa, and I were sitting in the living room of our Pleasanton home. The two of you in each of the white material-covered swivel chairs, and me on the couch. You were referring to the conversation the three of us had that day (which took place a day or two earlier). You always seemed to feel the need to let me in on how and why I always disappointed
It felt brutal and unimaginable! Especially considering the circumstances. Already paralyzed with fear, I wished I had not made that phone call to you. My mental and emotional state after being utterly terrified at UCLA was already excruciatingly painful. I felt that life was crashing in on me. I was at one of my lowest points. I could not stand being in my own skin from moment to moment. I felt completely hopeless. It felt like you kicked me though I was already down. Having just failed at UCLA, and with gut-wrenching chronic depression, I shook in my bed in April and Yvette’s home. I would not find the courage to get up until much later that day. It could not have been a more inopportune time to hear this from you.

When you would so often go silent around me, I felt intensely judged. I felt you were disgusted with me. It felt like a silent form of punishment; a cold shoulder. “Now what have I done?” I frequently thought. When you called me at work on or after October 28, 1989. I felt it was likely that you thought it was not a good time to tell me what had happened since I was still at work. I obsessed on this for hours that day. “What must I have done so wrong this time that would warrant a call to me at work?” I would soon put it all together prior to you later telling