Diversity In My Life

My earliest memory is feeling depression at the age of four. At about 12, my mother told me she was miserable in her marriage and it was my fault because she had gotten pregnant with me and had to marry my father. It finally made sense and I knew why she treated me harshly. Her punitive words towards me and disdain for her marriage are still evident today. My father is no different, often beating me during my childhood. During my childhood, I was very shy and often sought to escape social situations, spending my time in the library reading books. As a teen, I escaped my home, marrying my first boyfriend at 17. Although I escaped my childhood home, I jumped into another dysfunctional family and had nowhere to run to. I enjoyed solitude, escaping was into my books where I felt safe, found joy, and acceptance.
Problem
I completely avoid them. For this reason, I like teaching a self-contained special education class and taking online courses. However, I do not worry if people are judging me, as those who struggle with social anxieties often do (Richards, 2012). Likewise, I am not fearful of public speaking as I was in my youth. My husband and I are presenters in marriage preparation retreats and share our testimony with over 40 couples, and I enjoy it. Yet, I panic at the thought of being in a social gathering, especially in family get-togethers. I frequently avoid work parties, family gatherings on both sides, and other events where I must be social. At the thought of attending a barbecue or any social event, my heart races, I become moody, and I anxiety kicks in. I feel as I am underwater, holding my breath until I leave. I have not identified the exact problem, even after exploring personality